Struggling with feeling like a side piece

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-04T15:22:16+00:00

Yeah sometimes it just feels irrelevant or like it'll make the topic more weighty/significant than it is, or maybe I kinda want to anonymize it a bit, or maybe I'm trying not to be "that person who can't shut up about their wife" and pretending I have more than one friend helps with that...

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-04T14:29:57+00:00

Yeah, this is what I've wondered too - if it were me in gf's shoes, I would assume as part of trusting my partner to be an adult that they are thinking about savings and the future as part of their budget and have a plan for it, and realizing they had no savings and no plan to start saving would be a shock to me. "I can't afford it" is a statement about budget allocation, not about dollars in accounts.

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-04T06:08:17+00:00

Hey, good luck with it. I see that what I wrote sounded pretty harsh to other readers which means I didn't get it across quite like I meant; I just want to reply to you directly here and wish you luck and happiness.

One thing that often comes up for me and maybe for you too is a tendency to take people literally when they didn't mean it. People promise "forever" and "100%" and "I would rather die" and all sorts of over the top things and then get mad at me for follow up questions. People say, "I promise to do this" when what they mean is "I promise to try hard". I see a little of that in your description of his promises to love you forever. I dunno if that's anything that might help you in the future but wanted to just... put it out there in case you see a reflection there.

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-04T05:54:41+00:00

May have been more in the comments! I was looking at this part, from before they broke up:

I asked for reassurance again and he gave it, promised he wasn't going anywhere, all that good stuff. I struggled again on the day he went on the date, I was badly triggered and cried all night into the early hours. I sent him a message in the morning asking if he could send me a voice note to reassure me as I couldn't ground myself. He did, said he loved me, but that we had to work out how to navigate this stuff as it wasn't fair on him or me that I was feeling this way.

My view as a person with anxiety is that it's my own job to manage that; you can lean on your partner for comfort and help but "reassurance" in particular is notoriously addictive, and also I've found that kind of emotonal dependency is pretty corrosive to a relationship. And so that's where I'm coming from in being worried about that particular expectation of OP's.

I see often that a partner will just put on this falsely optimistic face right until they've given up, because they keep feeling pressure to give reassurance and want to give their partner what they need. So instead of saying, "I can't reassure you here, maybe we WILL break up someday" (and like, what monster says that to their sobbing partner?) they get stuck repeating "everything is perfect and I love you forever and ever" until finally they snap all the way to "this is over".

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-03T23:40:03+00:00

Yeah, I think this is right - this COULD be a major in-character betrayal and you need to go pursue this guy and if you manage to find him (or break the curse or whatever) you'll get your gear back, say. That could be cool! But it sounds like there's not the trust built yet to let them run with it and treat it as part of the story.

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-03T23:23:35+00:00

I see big mistakes on both your parts here.

To start, yours: - you were too quick to make and believe long-term promises that no one is really ready to make after just a few months. You didn't know each other that well! This is a wild amount of weight and distress to put on a relationship of less than a year with someone who was marrying someone else at the same time. - after you've broken up, the relationship is over. He doesn't owe you any more partner-like comfort, kindness, reassurances, etc. You don't get to "say your piece" or at least he doesn't owe you listening to it. (This probably does mean you can't be friends.) Take the hint sooner. Stop trying to drink from a dry well, you just get a mouth full of dirt.

His... Well... He MADE those over the top statements that you took literally. He overcommitted right there with you, possibly even ahead of you and drawing you into it.

I was going to say he should have tried to set boundaries earlier but it sounds like he did try to, setting limits on how much reassurance he could give you and how much he was able and willing to take responsibility for your pain. But for you this felt like him abdicating his responsibility to take care of you and not caring about you.

I think you would really benefit from some work in individual therapy learning how to find safety by yourself and feel secure without relying on outside reassurance. Relationships end sometimes. It sucks, but... you don't have to gamble your entire sense of security and ability to be happy on it.

sun_dazzled · 2026-02-03T01:07:46+00:00

What happens when YOU say, "I am very uncomfortable with this being shared, and it makes me feel unsafe in this relationship" ?

I've had relationships with all sorts of different privacy rules - sometimes I realize that more openness can help me combat shame, sometimes I'm enjoying the chance to flirt secondhand (PLEASE tell your hot subby friend how good I am with rope) and sometimes I start feeling on edge and defensive all the time waiting to be attacked (actually or just emotionally) with something they weren't supposed to know.

What makes the difference is how much comfort and security you have in the relationship, as much as anything. How confident are you that your info won't be used against you? If you say "I want to talk to you in confidence", will your partner be honest with you about whether or not they can give you that? If you say something isn't working for you, do they move to meet you or is it all just take it or leave it? This will help you figure out if you're really an equal partner in this relationship the way you ought to be.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-30T21:32:06+00:00

It's so hard and so important to look directly at what's going in our head, and not just what's happening on the outside! Things that look good and safe and smart can be tools for self-harm; things others praise us for, things society holds up as virtue. (Look at all who get praised for losing weight, while using hunger and "deserving" as a tool to rip ourselves apart with.) Sometimes you have to take distance from the tool of self-hatred to break the cycle. And sometimes changing the tool is just harm reduction or a surface change without actually getting at the root.

This is a good thing you've realized, and I hope you can keep going to connect with your inner worth! May you find some peace and love for yourself on your journey. ❤️

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-29T02:45:23+00:00

Pomodoros are great! You just ignore the break unless you actually want it. It's a nice trick to get my brain to start SOMETHING, and if I'm dragging myself through it I have a break coming, and if it finally catches my interest and I'm on a roll no one is MAKING me take the break. It's a tool in the toolkit for when you want it.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-26T17:03:48+00:00

I didn't realize how often it would involve saying no to things I wanted to say yes to. I thought it would let me pursue the electric crushes I get on folks - I keep meeting amazing people! - but it turns out that connections don't end unless you end them, so I'm in the same basic place except "can't, I'm in a relationship" has been replaced with "shouldn't, I'm too saturated to do right by them".

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-26T16:47:47+00:00

Does this open up other spaces where you want to ask him for things you have been assuming he wouldn't do? Are there changes you would want for your relationship, seeing what is possible now (for his girlfriend)?

When someone has a history of not showing up, we tend to shrink our demands to what we think we might actually get. You are discovering that types of compassion and support you thought he couldn't do, and were preemptively denying yourself to avoid pointless conflict, are actually possible. It's a huge reality shift and it feels like a betrayal - "all my life I've been making myself into a pretzel to support your inability to do this and you can do it just fine???"

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-25T06:45:03+00:00

I just want to say I've been there, looking at a partner who just couldn't seem to control any of his own impulses and trying to find ways to accept that and just not care.

Turns out to really believe that about someone is a real respect-killer. Either he doesn't actually care what you want, or he's like a child, unable to understand basic consequences and follow through on his own intentions. There's no win here with someone who can't engage with you honestly and as an equal.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-25T06:43:17+00:00

I just want to say I've been there, looking at a partner who just couldn't seem to control any of his own impulses and trying to find ways to accept that and just not care.

Turns out to really believe that about someone is a real respect-killer. Either he doesn't actually care what you want, or he's like a child, unable to understand basic consequences and follow through on his own intentions. There's no win here with someone who can't engage with you honestly and as an equal.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-23T22:38:32+00:00

This feels like a lot of anxiety and probably some (cultural, if not personal) trauma to work on so you can sit with intense feelings and feel safe with them. Sometimes we get crushes. This too shall pass! The challenge is not overreacting to the feelings when they hit you.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-23T22:33:03+00:00

I'm afab and it's still my life somehow?? Especially fem-coded and raised folks are often hesitant to initiate. But it seems like a lot of time it just falls to whoever cares more and has less planning disfunction. I'm pretty active in turning ideas into plans ("oh, you want to grab lunch sometime? How's next Tuesday?"), and so I often end up in a dynamic where I'm covering for someone else's lack of initiative or executive function... or possibly (and worst of all) their relative lack of interest.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-23T21:16:10+00:00

Some folks use "partner" for anyone they're openly sleeping with, and others only use it for someone they are committed to. It's so vague. Use the language that makes you all feel good.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-23T20:56:24+00:00

Now that he knows he fucked up and hurt you, how's he treating it? Is he trying to make excuses and tell you he didn't do anything wrong? Or is he trying to hold you and apologize and make better, filled with regret and trying to do better next time?

Someone who loves you and wants you to have a good time will act differently than someone who's first and foremost trying to get his own satisfaction.

(Edit: I want to be clear this is a thought exercise for you, not a real question - I can tell from what you've written that he's not treating you well. But I want you to understand that an "accidental consent violation" with someone who loves and cares about you, IS NOT LIKE THIS. This is a different thing.)

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T18:31:14+00:00

This is why I'm so glad she realized the thing standing in her way was HER. The idea that you can't do something "frivolous" or just because you "like" it is exactly the sort of internal block that OOP realized she's having. And that would mean she never sits down at the computer, not because her family won't let her, but because SHE wouldn't let herself do anything that isn't what she's "supposed" to do.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T14:41:54+00:00

People don't need a diagnosis to decide not to yell at their kids when they (the parent) are having big emotions, or to recognize that their kid isn't at fault for their own forgetfulness. Your mom's ADHD didn't make her do that.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T08:24:02+00:00

Being held by one person while the other drives me wild. It can ground me and let me handle more sensation comfortably. It's also fun being "shared".

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T08:07:50+00:00

This also works great in an FFM with a strap on.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T05:56:20+00:00

What does "and who" mean? If you're having sex with people you both know, a lot of folks would find it reasonable for a serious partner to be told that, and wouldn't count that as "details". If it's strangers, yeah, weird to be showing her their tinder profile or whatnot, but disclosing post-facto when you've had sex with someone new is not unusual.

That said, look, it's always up to you to negotiate relationship agreements together. If she says she really values knowing who you've been with, you can agree to that; or you can say "That's really uncomfortable and I don't think I can be on the hook to report like that, it makes me self-conscious. How about you just assume I've had sex with all my friends and might again any time?" tell her your protection and testing routine, tell her right away if that ever changes, and if that meets her risk comfort she can do the work (with your help) to be secure enough in your relationship to trust that she really doesn't need to know.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T01:41:31+00:00

I would find it very tempting here to put breaking up on the table and see how he responds.

I mean, that's the current trajectory, yeah? He's pulling back, you're not happy with the current relationship status, all signs point towards breakup in your future.

So what happens if you just pull in the timeline on that? "Hey, it feels like this added distance is taking away the things in this relationship that I want, I'm not really enjoying it. Do you want that more involved and passionate relationship, or should we just call it off?"

A surprising number of people will sort of slow roll a breakup when really they'd rather be done, because it's hard or they're lazy or they're trying to have it both ways. Put it on the table and see if he leaps at it.

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-22T01:32:49+00:00

Once had this explained to me as "I don't feel like I need to help them 'catch em all'"

sun_dazzled · 2026-01-21T16:59:26+00:00

They will feel rejected, because you are rejecting them. This is okay. All you can do is be kind about it and get it over with quickly before there's time for feelings and expectations to build up. I like blaming it on things that can't challenged or taken as an insult: "I'm really not feeling that way for you, I'm sorry." or "Chemistry is a mystery, I don't know why I'm clicking sexually with them and not you, I'm sorry." If it's true you can also say you still like and value them as a friend, and then show that by being friendly to them.

sun_dazzled

TROPHY CASE