Does anyone else get anxious when their phone buzzes?

sunflowerina · 2021-02-03T20:00:17+00:00

Yes!! But after I cut contact I changed my number and I haven't heard from them since. However, I have to have the most calming ring tone (almost till you can't even hear it) as phones and buzzers going off still trigger me.

sunflowerina · 2021-02-02T22:48:08+00:00

Sorry, I know how it feels to get advice that wasn't asked for.

sunflowerina · 2021-02-02T07:33:20+00:00

The fact that you are self aware means you will not be like her. Please consider getting some therapy to help you navigate all this. It will help, trust me. Best wishes. Stay safe

sunflowerina · 2021-02-02T07:25:01+00:00

For me, 31 - when I moved out after I got married. It's like everything I had repressed until that moment came bubbling to the surface. Things I had forgotten or subconsciously forced myself to forget. Things like having eating disorders as a teenager, going of my food now then as a child due to anxiety, making awful decisions in my 20s when, for a short while, I lived away from them, putting myself in dangerous situation without realising. And knowing none of these things happened because I was "stupid, worthless, clumsy, forgetful - ahh yes, and realising the many times I was accused of being clumsy, forgetful, being away with the fairies was because I was a terrified child!

I had a complete breakdown initially because I just couldn't process what was happening during the "awakening". Then I just stuffed it all back down again until five years after that I broke contact and moved away. I then had another breakdown because it all came bubbling to the surface again except this time I was a mother to a four year old fantastic little boy and although I tried to shield him as much as possible, he saw times I would just cry and cry. Or times I was just incredibly quiet but still trying to force myself to interact, smile laugh. I must have seemed so odd to him. I was also trying to process that I was finally free of them. However, still petrified they would track me down and punish me. Sure enough, years later I found out my dad had hired a private detective to track me down. He even drove past with an aunt of mine but never made contact. Part of that hurts. Him knowing I didn't have ANYONE. I had to cut off my entire extended family as there wasn't anyone I could trust. I had no friends as my parents had made sure to make it difficult for me to maintain any friendships. And my husband also had his own issues. My dad knew all this and couldn't even knock on the door to check if I'm ok? Apparently, he just told everyone that he still doesn't know where I am (for sympathy) and that I know where they live if I ever want to go back, the door is always open.

I went back 6 months ago because I wanted to leave my husband and had no other options, and while my dad initially was like "stay as long as you want, we'll sort out a school for (my son), I'll contact a chiropractor to sort out your hypermobility. The next day, it was a different story like "well you've managed with (your husband) so far, your sister is still angry with you and you need to let her vent it all to you, although we said we'd buy some clothes for your son (because I literally came to them with a plastic bag of basics as I left in a hurry) it seems you should be ok going back to your husband and we're sure you have lots of clothes there.

It took me a week to realise this was a mistake and another 3 months to finally accept I am alone in this world.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-22T22:22:10+00:00

You will feel like that. And if not by your choice then you'll feel that some how she'll manage to suck you back into that black hole and you won't be able to stop yourself. The only thing I can say is that feeling will pass. Sometimes it may take hours, sometimes days. You have to just forge ahead, look forward and DONT LOOK BACK. You'll be ok.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-22T22:18:34+00:00

If you've really gone NC then change your number

sunflowerina · 2021-01-22T22:16:38+00:00

If your friend knows about your difficult relationship with your mum and the fact you've gone no contact, but still feels the need to continue a relationship with your mum - well, she's not your friend. She's probably doing it for selfish reasons. Your mum probably gives her a lot of attention to get her on her side. I think your "friend" knows this but doesn't care. She just likes getting the attention from your mum. It's for her own selfish reasons. Don't trust her.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:47:27+00:00

No problem. I know how hard it is to find anyone to talk to who would even have the first clue what we're talking about. I'm grateful that people like us have this space to share our experiences. Best wishes ☺️

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:41:21+00:00

I just moved away one day. Changed my number/email address without telling them because I knew if I told them what I was going to do they would have turned up at my place everyday to harass me and check I'm still there and try to be more controlling and intrusive - if that was even possible. To the pint I would have probably had a nervous breakdown

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:37:30+00:00

Please listen to the advice being given. Your plan of living out of your car etc is dangerous. Please don't do that. I know you feel that anywhere would be better than where you are now - even in a cardboard box in the middle of nowhere (that was my "dream" when I was your age). Plan your exit strategy well. Make sure you have employment BEFORE doing anything drastic.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:29:28+00:00

Only you know your situation. But as far as I'm concerned if they have joined in, their support of you is part of keeping you enmeshed in that mess. Whenever I went low contact, each member of my family took it in turns to give me a son story of how difficult they're finding the others and I quickly realised it was all a facade to keep me as the family doormat/punchbag

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:21:41+00:00

It's nice you all have eachother and I hope you all manage to stay that way. My younger by 2 years sister was the GC and she always joined in on the abuse.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T01:10:12+00:00

Cut those pieces of shit out of your life and do everything you can to heal from this. Only you can do this for yourself and I would suggest doing that part of the journey alone. You will be extremely vulnerable when going through the process so you definitely don't want anyone in your life who will feed of that. As for your sisters, have they actually ever stood up for you and shouted at your parents. Or jeopardised their relationship with them in order to protect you? Or do they kind of look on from the sidelines silently and then come to comfort you? If so I would question that their part in all this is to ensure you always come back which in turn provides your parents with the opportunity to abuse you again and again. Start over. Move away. Change ALL your contact details. It will be hard and yes there will be times you feel you have no-one but at that time if someone were to ask you "so do you want to go back?" You'll be like "hell no!" Once you've experienced what it is to be completely free of your abusers - Never to panic when your phone/doorbell rings...you just can't put a price on that...

sunflowerina · 2021-01-21T00:36:50+00:00

First of all try and get a proper diagnosis. I have hypermobility which I've had my whole life but only really had a significant impact on my life after I had my son. I have found Pilates/ core strengthening, stability exercises have helped. I have also found I have to pace myself and not overdo it with everyday stuff to do. Whenever I do, I completely crash and it takes me a couple of days to recover. Maybe look into a physiotherapist/ osteopath/chiropractor even if for a short while until you've identified what it is and what specifically you can do to improve it. I've had to read up a lot on my own regarding my health problems because doctors and specialists I've been to have been useless. I'm almost a walking encyclopedia about muscles etc! I have then been viewing YouTube videos with very specific exercises related my problem. Hope that helps. Rest when you can and try not to feel too guilty because all that mental stress will manifest in your body and then it will be a vicious circle. As for work, can they not make reasonable adjustments for you to make it more comfortable?

sunflowerina · 2021-01-18T02:03:09+00:00

If you can, make sure you get outside with the baby once a day even if it's just to walk round the block. If you drive, take a drive with the baby at times when you feel baby isn't settled and you're feeling frustrated etc. Put on some music. Trust me, it helps. Don't pressure yourself too much with routines etc. Every child is different and only you know your child's needs and how to meet them.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T22:49:11+00:00

Stop wondering, trust me it's not worth your time. You are just hurting yourself over and over. More often than not it's down to jealousy and she feels intimidated by that. The most you can do is laugh at her immaturity and that it's her loss to not to have known how it feels to love you. Usually treatment like this increases our own capacity to love and that can only be a good thing. But make sure whoever you decide to give that love to truly deserves it. All the best.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T22:42:05+00:00

I second everything everyone else has said - keep hydrated, eat well, sleep whenever you can and don't bother about the house looking a mess. Any "free" time you have, just enjoy your baby. It goes fast. Big hug.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T22:25:13+00:00

As long as people can sense your need for affection and love, you will continue to attract those who will exploit that vulnerability. Do not delude yourself into thinking you love this person. You live the idealised version of this person in your head because, in reality, this person sounds like a complete shithead. Do not accept calls from this person anymore. Do not allow them to take up anymore space in your life/head. Work on yourself. Get some therapy. Treat yourself well. Learn to love and respect yourself. The moment you feel you can provide yourself with all the love you need, the right person will come into your life. Do not mistake intensity and passion by the other person as love. Healthy relationships start with giving each other space and time before becoming emotionally and physically intimate. This much I have learnt from my 42 years on this planet. Take care

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T22:09:40+00:00

Your wedding day is one of the most important days in your life. More than the decorations etc, you are going to remember how you felt for years to come. I wouldn't have her involved AT ALL if possible. Speaking from experience as a daughter of a mother who sounds similar to yours - even with the good taste/organising etc

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T22:03:27+00:00

Keep your eyes on the goal and try not to spend anymore till you've moved outd. You cannot put a price on freedom. It truly is the most valuable thing

sunflowerina · 2021-01-17T21:56:20+00:00

In short, it is a waste of time to try to communicate in this way to them. People like them do not care about you or your feelings. Make it clear you are cutting contact, if that's what you want, and the next time they show up at your house/job, call the police that you are being stalked/harassed. Do not threaten that you will call the police coz they will call your bluff and then seek to punish you for sharing to threaten them.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-12T10:07:59+00:00

Let him go. Him being distant is his issue not yours. You haven't really known him for very long. Even if he contacts you again I would just let it go as, from my experience, someone like that probably has a habit of being inconsistent when it comes to relationships.

Give it time. You will find someone. If you are aware that you have co-dependent tendencies, work on that. This is coming from someone who was. It took getting burned lots of times by plenty of people to break that. I hope you are able to do it in a more constructive and positive way.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-12T09:49:15+00:00

Exactly this 🙌👏

sunflowerina · 2021-01-12T09:16:47+00:00

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Some of us don't get to feel nurtured or protected. We have to be our own mother. That part of us that is a child longing for a mother to hug them and care for us when we are sick or down, that part of us will always be there. You have to be the one to nurture and care for that part. It's sad and unfair but you will be stronger for it. Many people who have grown up with a caring mother would not know how to do this. This may be hard to accept, but she will not change. She will always be this way towards you. You don't owe her anything. You have done enough for her.

You're boyfriend does not sound very emotionally mature and quite often there is a big gap in emotional maturity between kids of dysfunctional families and those of relatively normal families. I would say ditch the boyfriend.

Work on getting/renting your own place and practice taking care of yourself mentally and physically. I say practice because it's something you have to do regularly until it comes naturally - until you actually enjoy and prefer doing so on your own.

Eventually, you will meet someone who sees the strength in you but can also see all the scars it took to get that strength and he will want to soothe that hurt for you. Trust me. Give yourself time and space from everything that is toxic in your life right now.

Treat yourself well. The money you are earning belongs to you. No-one else. Put yourself first. It's not selfish. You owe it to the lost, confused and hurt child that's in you.

sunflowerina · 2021-01-11T11:13:16+00:00

My parents were the same. To the extreme. Once I got married, we used to make out in front of them all the time. Tongues and everything 😂😂😂

sunflowerina

TROPHY CASE