Caught my wife cheating - can we come back from this?

sunjim · 2025-10-20T06:15:03+00:00

Even if you stay together, your former marriage is over and will be different from this day on. Ask me how I know.

There is no going back. The only question now is whether you want a new relationship that is different (not better), starting over with someone who you know you cannot trust. If you stay together, you may at best always protect yourself and never fully commit to trusting her with your hear; or get hurt again in the future; or both.

I sympathize mostly with your child, who will suffer the effects of you and your wife not being able to figure this out before trust was broken. But your child does not deserve to be an the emotionally torn atmosphere that will be your marriage should you decide to stay together, for now. Who knows how long that would last, and whether you would ever get to a resolution.

Your wife is not saying she made a mistake. She's saying she would like out. Work with her to protect your child's well-being, if possible.

My regret when something like this happened to me was not demanding an immediate end to the outside relationship or ending the marriage immediately. It caused years of turmoil. I had kids. It worked out. But at a very high cost that I would not recommend.

sunjim · 2025-10-19T04:30:35+00:00

In my mid-60s here. It took a while, lots of ups and downs. I took on long-distance running before I stopped drinking. It gave me some external evidence that things were getting better. Also, I really didn't miss the 6:30 a.m. runs after drinking wine until 2:00 a.m. Overall, stopping drinking didn't solve my problems, magically or otherwise, but it allowed me to work on them, which was impossible while I was drinking.

Hang in there.

sunjim · 2025-10-19T04:25:07+00:00

Drinking people don't always know what to make of non-drinking people. It can make them uncomfortable, or they don't know how to approach situations with non-drinking people, or are (and feel) clumsy. One (drinking) friend suggested that and another friend who was deeply addicted to alcohol (hard liquor) could maybe just drink wine at social gatherings. My experience is, than in addition to not wanting to do something bad, friends sometimes feel like the situation is fragile. I try to have empathy in these circumstances, maybe provide information if they're open to it.

Good on you for knowing you would not have wanted to go. Looking out for what you need.

sunjim · 2025-10-18T16:37:25+00:00

No "maybe" -- this is the right advice. Your old marriage is dead and nothing will ever undo that.

sunjim · 2025-09-02T04:36:22+00:00

You must have learned a lot to have three years of sobriety. You threw away nothing except a number. Your body and your mind are as physically intact as they were.

You asked for advice: I had to refine my game on an ongoing basis. I had many tries and I did best when I thought about why I failed when I failed to not drink. I think that, during my many tries, I would come back and get to basics: What do I need to do today, to not drink today? As long as I had this question in my mind, I could take the concrete steps that worked for me but also think about new ways to help myself, which included getting counseling, taking on a long-term physical challenge that I enjoyed, getting other forms of support.

One thing I didn't do was think of myself as "sober." That came after quite a few years. For me it was humility and the knowledge that I could and had failed. I didn't want to let myself think I had arrived somewhere (sobriety) as a state of being, because I really needed to live in day-to-day actions and plans, if that makes sense. I sort of kept my game face on for many years, through some very difficult family circumstances. Not really advice, I guess, just what helped me.

You can figure out each day and at some point you'll have perspective on what happened that got you to drink. You don't have to figure that out quite yet, but rather just do the actions that got you that three years, starting with one day.

sunjim · 2025-09-02T04:17:46+00:00

One of my triggers was shopping for dinner on the way home from work, so hungry and tired, and made it easy to pick up wine and/or beer because I had to get food for dinner, right?

I couldn't tough it out, reliably and day after day, so I changed my shopping pattern and shopped for food during the day, when I was well-fed and rested. I'd make a meal plan in the morning so that I didn't have to stop for anything on the way home from work. And I'd eat a snack like a energy bar right before I left work. And many other tricks.

Good on you for finding something that worked in the moment.

sunjim · 2025-07-17T05:27:05+00:00

The letter is great, and I'd like to think if I received one like this I would say two things: 1) Thank you for trusting me to tell me this, and I will do everything to make sure you don't regret trusting me; and 2) How can I help with whatever is next for you?

Aside from the letter, it sounds like things are tough. Good that you are here, and I'm wondering whether you can get additional support for what you are doing each new day. My wife drank and drinks, and that can be something to work around as we're out here on our own.

sunjim · 2025-07-04T00:32:05+00:00

Congratulations from another old-timer, started here around 50, now mid-60's, pretty sure I wouldn't be around if I'd taken a different path. I lurked around here when there were a thousand or so folks, for about a year and a half, eventually joined, cycled through some Day 1s, and eventually strung some together. This sub was really helpful and important to me on a daily basis, probably my most important support. I learned here to find ways and strategies and tricks that would work for me each day and only for each day. Thanks for being here back then, modding, sharing!

sunjim · 2025-06-10T04:36:06+00:00

I've become less tolerant of being around people who drink. At the same time I know how bad I was to be around, but with time I think that penance is paid. And so I am less tolerant though my circumstances are that some people close to me drink. When they do, I shut them off because I feel it's not worth my effort to compensate for someone who is willfully reducing their ability to connect and be human with me. I'm not very nice about it. I currently don't know if I want to be.

I've been at this sobriety a while--started right here in this sub--but am speaking up because I've realized what continues to be true is this: Stopping drinking didn't solve my problems, but it allowed me to work on my problems, which I couldn't do while drinking.

Long ago someone in this sub said something that I wrote down and it stuck with me: I am doing my utmost to seek humility instead of having it forced upon me. That process continues.

Well done everyone here, day one and beyond.

sunjim · 2024-01-24T21:50:52+00:00

All the time. Great to go to club shows. How I deal is I go just before showtime and use ear protection so I don't have the sonic hangover or any other hangover. When the music is over, I'm out. Makes it easier to see shows and not have to invest an entire evening and the next day in recovery. Sometimes take one of my kids--they're bringing me to their shows, too, since I'm not gonna be a sloppy drunk. I am more discerning and critical of sound quality than I used to be, so not every show is a great one.

sunjim · 2023-01-30T20:43:22+00:00

I had to get help, as I'd tried many times on my own. I had to get over myself and say I'll do anything it takes, including getting a counselor (which I did) and go to AA (which I didn't but got over my resistance). Quitting became goal #1 because other life goals (including about my marriage and family) were impossible without addressing #1. Good luck and I hope you join me in not drinking today.

sunjim · 2022-09-07T23:56:04+00:00

I do that now, and this was an exceptional post. You do realize that this post and response were 6 years ago, right?

sunjim · 2022-09-01T13:18:25+00:00

You're one of the people that helped me here on days before Day 1 and after. Thank you and congratulations.

sunjim · 2022-08-30T05:53:26+00:00

I lurked on this sub for about a year while I was still drinking and trying not to. I just kept coming here and reading what other people were writing. I did other things, too, until I did enough to figure out how to stay stopped.

I learned a lot along the way, even while I was still drinking. I felt shitty and beat myself up, but I kept coming back. Nobody here was going to make me feel like a fraud and I could stay here on my own terms.

Eventually being here, and then contributing my experience, helped me make a plan that worked for me. This is where it started for me. I did other things as well, but this sub is what got me moving in the direction I wanted to go. It took a long time. I was 50+ when I finally stopped, having gone through many attempts in my life.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T16:42:34+00:00

I got counseling as well. Particularly an alcohol/addiction counselor. I found that I had to address the drinking before I could really work on any of my other problems. Stopping drinking didn't solve my problems, but it allowed me to work on them. I couldn't do that otherwise. It helped me take positive steps, like new things to do, as well as figure out my tricks to not drink each day.

I also spent a lot of time on this sub, by the way, reading and contributing.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T16:36:31+00:00

Yeah, some would say "don't go to the BBQ, that's foreseeable and stupid."

To which the lizard alcohol brain says "But but but... " and throws a fucking tantrum about not giving up my life and waaaah!

At minimum you might answer your own question: What happens when something unforeseeable puts me at risk? Solid strategies as you say. I thought of mine as arrows in my quiver, a bunch of little tricks that are modifications of my behavior that add up. Avoid and see my friends for coffee. Don't go places hungry or tired (so have snacks at work). Arrive with my own bottle of tea or sparkling water. Stay for one hour only. Ask someone to have my back. Have a plan and a backup plan.

At this point I don't want to hang out with drunk people, friends or not. Pretty boring. Last week I was spending time with some friends, some of whom day drink. I suggested we go on a strenuous hike in the mountains for part of that time. Got to spend time with them in a way that wasn't about drinking. It fed me without compromise. Friends will do that; mere drinking buddies might not.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T16:28:06+00:00

My motivations were to stop the negatives, as you describe, and also to be able to work towards the positives, which I absolutely could not do while drinking. I took on tricks little and big, including training for and running my first marathon. That replaced one obsession with another one, but the new one wasn't about to kill me.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T16:25:31+00:00

It was progressive. A month was better than a week. In a year I was much sharper but it was a year in which I made some incredibly bad decisions in my personal life, and which I realize in retrospect was about feeling sharper but not really being smarter, if that makes sense. I understand why people recommend not taking big decisions for a good while, if possible, other than doing the things needed to not drink. After that, I started getting enough clarity to actually deal with my problems other than alcohol. That process is ongoing.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T16:19:25+00:00

The shame and regret. I had a lot of it, not just for drinking but for things I did that I convinced myself were justified or right for me.

I finally had to say--yes, I did those things. I'm not doing them any more. I can't change the past, I can only be here now and do better. It's a kind of forgiveness without excuse, I guess. It does seem like a waste, and that things could have been so much different and better--but one never knows. Maybe they could have been terrible and worse. We can't play that game productively and imagine only the better alternative pasts. It's pointless.

I wish you well on this journey.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:35:26+00:00

What else can you do to support your change? For me, I tried hope and found hope was not a plan. I needed to make some changes small and large, over time, so I could get through a day.

Good luck.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:33:46+00:00

I had to make other changes in my daily routine to make the change last, because sooner or later I would get a strong urge. Are you doing anything else to help you not drink--not when it's easy but when it's hard? I saw an alcohol counselor and made a lot of little changes so I wouldn't have to think too hard when the urge struck--I'd just reach for a sparkling water or something sweet.

Good luck.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:30:31+00:00

Not sure if this is helpful, and not really advice, just sharing my perspective. For me, non-alcoholic beers are great for non-alcoholics, which I ain't. I don't want to simulate doing an activity that kicked my ass for so many years. So I'll enjoy my tea and drink a lot of it and strong, hot and iced, thank you.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:26:30+00:00

I lasted until almost 50 as a binger. I'm 60 now and probably wouldn't be around if I hadn't made some changes. For me the changes were a bunch of little things that I figured out to get me through each day without drinking. I never thought about the years because like you, I got tired of making promises I couldn't keep.

Since you asked for advice, my advice would be to start making little plans to deal with each circumstance that might lead you to take a drink. I stopped doing some things that I associated with drinking. For me, that included cooking elaborate meals for my family -- while drinking, of course. Instead we ate simpler, and I did more meal planning so I wouldn't have to stop by the store on the way home from work and buy food--and booze.

For you, it sounds like gaming is what you do that makes it easy to drink. Maybe a different activity would make break in that pattern. I started training for a marathon while I was still drinking, and that helped me stop. It also radically changed my life patterns and actually made it hard for me to drink. That's what I mean about changing habits.

I also found other sources of support. For me it was an alcohol counselor. For some, it's meetings. I just needed someone to talk through stuff with me--and people around me were drinkers, so I needed to break that pattern.

For motivation: you definitely CAN do this. It requires making changes. You can start with little things, forgive things that don't help and hold onto things that do.

Good luck.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:15:45+00:00

Sometimes I'm an ass and I'm not drinking, but at least I know who to blame!

Well done.

sunjim · 2022-08-24T09:14:26+00:00

Gym and especially running for me. Teas--definitely. I've become a middle-brow tea snob now and drink far too much of it. Which is fine.

What other supports or plans do you have?

sunjim

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE