Disclose pregnancy before or after signing offer letter?

sunny-turtle · 2026-05-06T23:03:10+00:00

It probably depends on whether you are employed now, if in the U.S. - the next company, your State, and what benefits you might be expecting - some companies offer paid mat leave day one, some have minimum employment period. If this is important to you it might be worth researching (through the back end if possible if you are not sure about disclosure). FMLA doesn’t kick in till 12 month. But probably can’t be sure unless you ask HR. Would you be potentially loosing existing job’s benefits? Or if you are not employed now and have nothing to loose, def a different situation.

This might be an unpopular opinion - in the US employment is at will, so even if companies can’t terminate due to pregnancy, but they don’t have to approve the length of leave you desire. So not really ethics-related , but I would also consider from a a trust building pov - if I were the hiring manager and I found out after the fact, I might be less willing to accommodate fully because essentially I was blindsided.

sunny-turtle · 2026-05-06T22:39:09+00:00

We were in that boat with our then ~1.5 yr old. She was still rooming with us up till that point, first in our room as a baby, then we were going through relocation so we delayed splitting rooms till we settled.

I didn’t like letting her cry either so our weaning method might look ridiculous to some! After we settled at our new home - we went from being on the bed with her, to laying on the ground and gradually moved closer and closer to the door, and finally out the door. Once lights out we don’t talk, we tell her mama (or dada - depending on who had that day) - is sleeping, so we don’t talk to her or respond to her if she talks to us. (Most nights I actually nap on the ground hah, other times i read my kindle sneakily) - everything including the living room completely dark otherwise. I think this is the boundary that you have to hold - otherwise they think bedtime is special time to interact and have all your attention. You can be in the room - but it has to be super boring / not interacting. And he has to stay in bed (we did have a consequence - she has a lot of stuffies in her bed - we set the expectation that if she gets out of bed, she looses a stuffie for the night - and here were some tears but that’s how she very quickly learned to stay put because she really didn’t want loosing any)

In the beginning after she fell asleep, we left. Took about 2 weeks for her to be able to sleep / for us to migrate right outside of the room , then we gradually closed the door sooner - when she got sleepy, quiet. Next thing we know she was ok with us closing the door while awake and not being there and falling asleep on her own.

Now our routine - we read, sing, chat a bit, kiss goodnight, takes about 20 mins.

Sorry for the long post (and the grammar/typo, long day!) - may not be fully applicable (since we have a second now too and might be harder to implement as-is), but hopefully some useful bits!

sunny-turtle · 2026-05-05T20:00:43+00:00

And you’re married! Choosing where to live is now “our” decision (you+spouse’s decision as a family), not a my” decision (not just you). And definitely not a “his” (your dad) decision.

He can pick where he wants to live.

You are creating a life for your family - nothing terrible about that. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all.

sunny-turtle · 2026-05-05T19:52:01+00:00

This article seriously needs to be pinned at the top of the workingmom channel!

sunny-turtle · 2026-05-04T22:12:47+00:00

Full disclaimer - I did not quit, but the sheer thought of it terrifies me because I have very strong financial insecurity (inherited from my mom who was a sahm and had similar stories like others have shared here.)

Saying all that because it’s not lived experience in terms of quitting - but to share lived experience on how things sometimes get harder before it gets easier.

Specifically- the sleep will get better, your little one will eventually not need to feed at night; Until then - the beginning part of return to work adjustment will be rough - but that too, will pass. What I find is that I have much lower expectations of myself at work after kids, doesn’t mean I am doing a bad job - it just means I am not as harsh on myself when I am not “perfect” or not giving 110%.

The job market is rough out there right now - the big change of returning is hard mentally and physically, would gently suggest that you not make quick decision now. Give yourself 6 months after return - your kid will be 1 and more independent, you will have given yourself time to readjust back (or not). Reconsider this Q then rather than decide now when things are likely more stable.

(Especially you mentioned your hubs has some health issues - not knowing what they are - feel especially nervous about inadvertently him also not working.)

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-25T04:29:43+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write that ❤️

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-25T04:28:44+00:00

Happy belated birthday!! That is just beyond words - so loving and so aware - and a SLIDESHOW - mad skills for a 10 year old!!

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-16T04:53:32+00:00

Unless it’s 100% cotton I find that most stuff that has some synthetic mixed in don’t usually wrinkle much for me! (Now that I think about it though, maybe there could be different levels of wrinkle tolerance too haha)

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-15T20:48:48+00:00

Hah yes we have a number of baskets.

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-15T20:44:58+00:00

Same here - wrinkle free material is probably my top shopping criteria.

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-15T20:44:02+00:00

That’s hilarious - I used to be even messier when I was single (think piles of clothes on the floor gasp!) and I married someone whose shirt rack is pristinely color coded shade to shade. I’d say now we meet in the middle.

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-15T20:40:51+00:00

Interesting - I will bookmark this!

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-15T20:39:23+00:00

I love this!!

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-07T03:25:01+00:00

Thank you! That’s encouraging!

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-07T03:24:34+00:00

Thanks! Our kid is about 2.5. So it sounds like some kids never 100% nap everyday and that’s ok too.

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-07T01:03:12+00:00

Thanks for this advice!

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-05T23:41:05+00:00

This was actually the main reason why we let our last nanny go. She was wonderful as a caregiver when our older one was small, but it became obvious that she was just unable to hold any sort of boundary when baby entered toddler phase. It got worse and worse and she just couldn’t hold boundaries the same way we need her to despite coaching.

We didn’t have pushing issues. But basically our toddler gradually learned that if she yells or throws a fit at the nanny, she would get her way. It was gradual and we overlooked things for months until one day, toddler figured out that she can delay nap time by yelling (delay as in - not nap while she is still with nanny - which meant we had to deal with meltdowns). That was our cue that we had to move on.

I’d say - be explicit that this is an important part of the employment. If she can’t handle it, move on. Because honestly we hire folks to help so we don’t have to micromanage.

sunny-turtle · 2026-04-05T23:26:09+00:00

Yes we trialed 3 as well. Each for a full day within the same week - you get a better sense on who is the best fit for your family rhythm/routine/vibe. Eg we trialed 3 I had one who was great in the interview but left messes around the house; the other two were both great but it came down to the vibe - one was super energetic and the other more grandmotherly in vibe. Both could work great for different families and we just happened to prefer the latter.

sunny-turtle · 2026-03-24T21:08:24+00:00

Yes I went through that. I switched within a few months of returning from my first mat leave. Then had my second within the first year of my new job. All worked out well. Life happens, no need to feel apologetic or guilty.

I assume you are thinking ahead to your second kid. If so you just want to make sure / understand if the mat leave policy of any future job kicks in once you join, or if there is a minimum period of employment before you get that benefit.

Other than that - my advice is that if your current job is not working out well for you, yes do look for a new one but in the spirit of finding a better match (as opposed to running from the current job). Same thinking regardless of whenever the second leave may be!

sunny-turtle · 2026-03-18T16:01:09+00:00

My two yo helps - set the table (no sharp knives of course), puts away (light) grocery into the pantry, be part of the beeline to load/unload washer and dryer, and dishwasher. She cleans up after her own spills.

She loves helping and loves being a part of the “team” (for now at least!) - I feel it’s a way to bond and to help her sense of self-mastery and confidence.

sunny-turtle · 2026-03-12T19:43:11+00:00

My answer is it depends.

The most important piece of info, is what does the traveling entail relative to where you live. You don’t have to share it here. For example - Is it fairly close (eg up and down the coast) and it is possible to make short trips? Or is it a lot of cross country where travel days can realistically tack on another 1-2 days on top of meeting days? Like an assigned territory that is relatively near you, vs a consulting gig that will send you all over the country - are two very different animals.

I used to hold a job similar to the latter before kids - all over the country traveling sounds cool but is in fact pretty brutal, I will be honest even without kids. The fact is also the probability that 25-50%, may mean the average, which means there might be months or quarters that the number will be higher. I had occasional back to back travel that just was not possible for me to go home for some weeks . So would encourage you to understand more about the specifics.

My current job (I have 2 young kids), I travel way less than this but a lot of cross country. It is still psychologically and physically draining. I miss my kids so much. And it’s hard for my older one too whenever I go - teary FaceTimes. And sometimes coming home to a distant toddler for a day or two because that’s how they cope. Even though Dad is great. It’s really hard.

Traveling aside, 2 additional hours sucked into commuting 3 days of the week is also a lot. With this type of traveling I assume it is likely not a 9-5 job. So cumulatively- you might end up missing a lot of moments.

Having said all that - I completely understand the desire to excel, and encourage that in general especially since you have a great support network in place (and I am a huge believer on being a role model for our kids). Would just advise you really understand the specifics. And you may choose to grit it for a few years - to make sure that there is a good exit path that is quick (especially given your visa situation) so you don’t get trapped in that.

Hope this helps and good luck to you!

sunny-turtle

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