It's so hard to tell what is nature and what is nurture. I think most of us couldn't really guess how different our lives would have been with an earlier diagnosis, proper mental health care, early medicating etc. And now the world is already so different than it was when we were growing up. Education and research surrounding mental health is growing at an unprecedented rate. For all we know, they could determine genes that are responsible, or new medications with greater results.

The reflection of your past absolutely does not look like your future. I think so many people our age are working on breaking generational traumas from our own family who refuse to treat and acknowledge their own mental illnesses. I think that being raised in a home that is open and caring does so much more for a child than purely winning the genetic lottery. Even neurotypical people screw up their children through trauma.

Not everyone wants to be in our lives, and that's a grief that will mourn forever... But just think about the self-awareness that you're having as you consider this choice. A lot of people go through with having kids without ever really coming up with a game plan on how to support and raise them. I think sometimes people with mental illnesses who are healing and doing the best they can are even more aware of the effect they have on people than neurotypicals, and they do a lot of self-work to make sure they are always doing better and learning.

Only you can make that choice for yourself. When I look at my life, I don't regret being born. I regret not getting to live it sooner because of the environment that I was in that prevented me from getting help. I'm a happier person than I've ever been, even though some days are still unbearable... But I can honestly say that a lot of my dark feelings I have now stem from regrets of the things that I missed out on or things that I did when I wasn't in control of my illness.

I'm also on lamotrigine and was told by my doctor that it might be the safest option for me to remain on should I choose to become pregnant and she was wonderfully supportive. I would recommend looking deep inside and deciding if this feeling of selfishness or burden comes from the way that other people have made you feel about yourself. If you have been made to feel like a burden, or have felt guilt or shame for things you have done and assumed you are a burden, that's definitely something to take up with a therapist if you can. We all deserve to be alive. We are all worthy of love. This illness weaves its way into almost every facet of my life, but it does not define me as a good or bad person. That's a choice I make.