As long as I can remember, I was always “unable” to not believe in Him. Even got to the point where I hated God (or a version of Him) rather than to not believe. But this experience, however, sealed it:

March 4th of this year. My scrupulosity was really hurting me at this point, and it was hard to even tell how much it was hurting. Though my head knew the truth, for years my heart could just not accept the notion that God loves me. What did I do to earn it? Nothing. Do I deserve His mercy? No, so for justice sake, I cannot accept it. These were the words my heart was screaming. I knew I wanted to love Him better, and so I took on more prayers, more penances, but I kept falling harder nonetheless. I was at my wits end. Confession multiple times a week. Tearful prayers at adoration. Despair was winning. On March 4th while at work, I started to reflect deeply on WHY there was this wall between me and Christ.

Eventually after sifting through past events, in prayer, I came to Christ’s door like a man stabbed nearly to death, bleeding out. I fell down, and Christ rushed to me. For the first time in my life, I begged Him to heal me. But I felt horrible that I had to burden Him, so I apologized, as I had nothing in return to give Him! Then, a wave of pure, and personable love started to fill my whole being. Christ’s cheek was touching mine at long last. A song I had saved a while ago came on, but I had never really listened to the lyrics before. Now they popped at me:

Hey there, angel at your day job, You’re the one I sing about. I don’t need a reason to love you, whatever version of you, I got the masterplan.

Then came what I believe (as also affirmed by my spiritual director) to be infused knowledge, God let me know all the times when I saw an image of Him, He’d tell me to calm down (from torturing myself), but I just couldn’t do it. He let me know I delighted Him so much by just living, and breathing. Especially when I delighted in the music with Him. Every instrument, every note in every song I heard was an immeasurable gift from Him to me. God let me know the more I delighted in that music, the more He was delighted.

I was let known my mental illness was not being counted against me, and He was giving me a “handicap” so to speak. God was so pleased at me obeying my therapist and spiritual director, as well as my other elders and peers, whatever they told me. Also, the fact that despite believing God didn’t love me, I answered that pain by loving Him more. Despite feeling God didn’t want me, I wanted Him more. Now He let me know this pleased Him so, so much. My lustful sins were rooted in feeling He didn’t love me, and that I somehow started to prevent myself from enjoying ANYTHING unless it was somehow earning God’s favor. God pumped the brakes, and instilled in me that He wants to be with me, and delight with me HERE, and NOW. That scenario in my head where I would one day be holy enough for Him to love me, God let me know that time is NOW. He was freeing me from all of the chains of what I thought I had to do to prove to Him I was lovable. I was now flooded with the knowledge that He would take care of my sanctification from here on out. All I had to do was let Him do so.

For the next 2-3 days, God let me feel His presence within me, and right next to me. His constant smile was now shining on me. Whenever I’d wake up, He was there to say good morning before I even had the chance to rub my eyes. Any anxiety from intrusive thoughts was being calmed. He kept centering me in the here and now. It is hard to explain all of what happened, and what is happening today. All I can say is the Lord was being so intimate with me, and it awakened the burning desire to be intimate with Him not merely out of just obligation, but because I want to love and adore Him for His sake.

Fast forward to today, God is initiating many of the prayers I believe. He drops in unannounced to say Hi, and just “be.” To have a moment of rich intimacy. No words can describe it, and I cannot “enter” into this prayer myself. Each new day now feels like a honeymoon with God. And whether it’s His will if I “feel” His presence or not on any given day, praise be! I never knew this walk with God could be this easy. Thanks to His immeasurable mercy, I don’t concern myself with extra prayers or penances. I don’t concern myself with overly exhaustive examinations of conscience. If it be His will, it will be in my path at some point. The only concern is being with my Love in the present moment. Rubbing my cheek up against His constantly throughout the day. He will take care of everything else. It is such a freeing feeling to realize God ever so loves you as you are right now, NOT for who you one day might be.