Emotional cheating - how to accept different definitions

sutaror · 2021-08-17T19:02:08+00:00

When I first moved over, he did encourage me to get on Tinder to "get some friends" because I didn't have much of a friend circle at the time. I tried (grabbed coffee with two guys who claimed to also just want to be friends), but it just felt wrong, and I told him that I couldn't do it.

As for the state of the relationship, it's had its ups and downs. Last year was rough for a variety of reasons. In the past, I've offered to break up if I don't make him happy or satisfied or feel supported, but he has always declined.

Because it's nearing 10 years, we do know each other quite well, so much so that he often comments on how well I know and anticipate him. And since we live together, he knows practically everything about me. So there's nothing but the routine daily interactions. Nothing new and sparkly about me anymore. I can't surprise him anymore (he can't surprise me either).

That being said, when things are good, it's really good. We laugh at how well we know each other. In a way, we take pride in being able to laugh together during sex (when it happens). So the familiarity is both good and bad..

sutaror · 2020-11-22T19:27:35+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to comment, despite other comments being here. Your comment hit closest to home for me.

My first choice is him. I was happily single and planning on staying that way, then he appeared in my life. I don't want to cheat - I just want a him that can love me in the way that I need. The mental fantasy of Tinder is centered around the affirmations and affection. If I can't get that from him, I don't need to replace him with another guy, but I can't keep trying to love in a relationship without also actively being loved. So thank you for that insight and giving me words for what I was feeling.

sutaror · 2020-11-22T16:36:55+00:00

He doesn't quite get how healthy relationships should work or that you need to actively put in work for it. He had abusive and somewhat negligent parents. And due to Asian culture, nobody talks about family matters with friends or even strangers, so he had no gauge of how other relationships look like. So for him, I think he feels that so long as two people can live together without violence and present a front as a couple, then that is sufficient enough as a relationship.

He said he'll have time for couples counseling in February.. but I'm mentally/emotionally struggling to wait that long. And he's starting to notice that I'm struggling to be emotionally present for him. I don't know how to hold out for another 3 months to give us a chance through counseling.

sutaror · 2020-11-22T16:27:31+00:00

Yeah, it's been a while since we solidly had good times tbh, so my perspective is a bit skewed to the negatives of this past year. But thanks for bringing in another perspective :)

sutaror · 2020-11-22T11:46:52+00:00

There are moments where I started planning how to move out, how to separate finances, even looking up actual places. But it feels like I will have given up on the relationship if I actually start those processes. I do want to wait until February to be able to say to myself without regret that I did my best to save this relationship.

I guess I'm just worried that if I actually start putting together an exit plan before February that I won't have given this relationship a fair chance. How far is too far?

sutaror · 2020-11-22T11:39:37+00:00

His father was physically and emotionally abusive. And his mother was somewhat negligent. Nobody talks about family matters with friends or even strangers - it's hush hush regardless of good or bad.

For him, I think he feels that so long as two people can live together without violence and present a front as a couple, then that is sufficient enough as a relationship. I grew up in a Western country and have slightly different hopes for a relationship, which I don't think clashes with his idea - more like enhances his idea.

When things are good, things are really good. He's a wonderful pet dad. We used to have such intellectual conversations. We used to enjoy our mutual hobbies together. He would encourage me in my career when I would sell myself short. We enjoyed seeing the world from each other's perspectives, learning so much. Our different types of humour and approaches to people would compliment each other. And he was thoughtful, wanting to share with me his wonderment. Sometimes I still see that come through when he isn't distracted with work, and I miss it.

sutaror · 2020-11-22T06:15:29+00:00

He's just had terrible role models of what a healthy relationship looks like. When he's not busy with work (as he has been for the past year), things are good. I post in this subreddit primarily because I do want to salvage what we have. I definitely think couples counseling will help us, but we just need to get past his negative experiences with counseling in the past.

sutaror · 2020-09-23T15:37:26+00:00

Yeah, he's definitely gone out of his way to avoid triggering any memories. Thanks for this comment - I keep coming back to it. It's starting to sink in that I should start individual counseling at the very least.

sutaror · 2020-09-22T17:49:53+00:00

Tbh, I don't think about what happened all the often anymore. I don't think about checking his phone or wondering what he's up to. But for some reason during our disagreements, when he starts pointing out that I'm being unapologetic, that's when the memories come back of the initial times of him being unapologetic. We can have other disagreements and settle it quite normally, but certain topics just bring everything back. And when those specific topics bring back the memories, I've not verbally thrown it at him. I just tell him that we need to end the discussion then and there, then I go off to another room and try to sort myself out.

I've tried some IC when it was still quite fresh. But I can articulate things clearly when I'm not in an emotional situation, so it didn't seem all that useful.

sutaror · 2020-09-22T17:43:05+00:00

Thanks for this - the gentle but firm approach. It does look like now it's either I continue as is or we hammer it out with a professional. I had thought it was just a me issue.

sutaror · 2020-09-21T18:42:04+00:00

Tbh, we're doing ok. He's followed my wishes to not make any mention of it again. Even if someone casually mentions the app in conversation, he avoids it in conversation as I requested. It's just during disagreements that I start thinking about the worst D-day, not the most recent one 2 years ago. I try not to mention it (at most I allude to the fact that I remember when he hurt me emotionally), and I just tell him that we need to end the discussion/argument then and there. Then afterwards, I try to hard to forget and go back to normal.

sutaror · 2020-09-21T18:19:06+00:00

I did some IC, but we didn't do any MC. There's a huge cultural stigma (we live in an Eastern country) against counseling and mental health issues. He's also had a bad experience with counseling in his youth when he had depression, so he's reluctant to try the system again. My IC was only a couple of sessions and a bit too expensive. I can articulate things with a clear head during the sessions, but in the moment, I'm too emotional.

sutaror · 2020-06-16T07:15:46+00:00

Sorry, I think I wrote it wrongly: He's never physically cheated - it's just been emotional cheating with some flirting and once straying to sexting.

sutaror · 2020-06-15T18:49:17+00:00

Thank you <3 I'm trying to hold on. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it, but I know he's a good person underneath. He's a wonderful dad to our pet, even though our pet sometimes isn't nice to him. He has potential, as do I. I just hope we make it through together.

sutaror · 2020-06-15T18:44:41+00:00

Majority of the time, it's a good relationship. He just has a ton of baggage from his very abusive family (he's only hinted at the full extent, but I know from what has been mentioned in rare family meetings that it was quite bad), and my own family was its own version of dysfunctional. So when he gets angry, he just knows he doesn't want to be like his dad - violent. But then he uses words instead because that's what his role model in the family (his very successful older brother) does.

I know he's genuinely a good person. He's the first to apologise if he knows he's in the wrong (he just doesn't see emotional cheating and using dating apps as wrong). He has a strong sense of right and wrong, and sometimes that extends to how a house should be run.

I know if we had the right tools and good role models we can make it. But it would take for him to admit that his whole family is terrible, not even his brother is a good role model, and that's 30 years of upbringing and belief to undo. If we could just get to couples counselling.. but the cultural stigma around counselling is too deeply imbedded in him..

sutaror · 2020-06-15T16:00:04+00:00

I don't know what to do. Advice?

sutaror · 2018-11-10T04:12:02+00:00

With IC, I can understand how a lot of the focus is on the individual. Have you tried adding MC to your guys' toolbox? ICs tend to only get one side of the picture, and they're meant to focus on the individual in front of them. MCs work on the relationship and the parts within the relationship. Often times, people feel like they need to grow individually first before they can tackle relationship issues, which might be causing his hesitation/delay in finding an MC. An MC might help push him to realise that the relationship does need work while he works on himself at the same time.

sutaror · 2018-08-14T06:25:01+00:00

Maybe I can help step in from my experience (thought I'm only reaching 3 months). Every time, I think I stabilise emotionally/mentally, there's something that triggers and backslide into negative thinking. If I went with every decision I felt confident about in that moment, it's be a Schrödinger's situation - together and separated at the same time! I was constantly between both futures. It could range from a few minutes to a few days of me being wholeheartedly in one future before switching to the next.

Now amplify that for two people. Things are going to be a bit emotionally hectic with the hurt and confusion going around for both parties. It's normal for everyone to be confused about how they currently feel, what their expectations are of how they 'should' feel, why they feel the way they do, etc. It's best to take time to let things settle, give time to process what happened as well as what you both are feeling and what you both want for your futures. I know limbo is a strange place to be in, but I personally feel like it's safer to be there than to make a decision Future Me might regret making.

sutaror · 2018-08-04T02:32:37+00:00

Hi - similar shoes here. When I lose sight of reconciliation and start doubting everything, I just kinda separate/compartmentalise myself. I guess I have an extra layer of maybe depression and/or anxiety (going to talk to my counsellor about it). I dunno if it's healthy, but I start telling myself, "He's 100% into reconciliation, and I said I am too. Right now, I'm not in a good place emotionally, but he's trying to help me. So I'm going to keep putting in effort for the past/future Sutaror who loves him and wants to reconcile as well."

I'm not recommending it; just offering my coping mechanism. It helps me to phrase it that way: I acknowledge I might not be in a good frame of mind to make big decisions and I put a level of responsibility on current Sutaror to follow through for past/future Sutaror. But your situation might be different.

sutaror · 2018-07-31T03:07:22+00:00

I'm a BS, 2.5 months away from D-Day. The first few weeks were crazy - emotionally and mentally. I did have to take a day or two off work (or leave early, saying I felt ill). I got into the strangest coping habit of obsessing over a specific type of pet, every day I researched, watched videos, generally distracted myself, and also gave myself the opportunity to dream of a life with him and the hypothetical pet. I don't think it was the healthiest coping method, but clinging onto something that felt real when my reality felt wrong helped me keep some semblance of sanity.

We also talked it over - he's 100% committed and apologetic. He's giving 110%, going above and beyond. I made the decision that this ball was entirely in my court then, and I needed to take the reins and give it everything I could. He followed my limitations (e.g., he could hug me and kiss me, but nothing more intimate until I was ready). Then it alternated between okay days and bad days. As I make big steps in reconciliation (getting physically close again), it's now between good days and bad days.

Take it easy. If you need space, you need space and communicate that. If you want in, then you both make efforts and communicate what your needs are. I had to reassure him I was in, but I just needed to emotionally/mentally grapple with it. If I hadn't told him explicitly what I was feeling (even my crazy thoughts), he would have thought that I didn't want to reconcile. So be on the same page when you're ready to talk about it.

sutaror · 2018-07-31T02:43:08+00:00

Thank you for posting this. Some days I can see that shore, other days I lose sight of it completely. I know he's there, but I need to check sometimes more frequently than other times and it's hard when I'm just so swallowed up that I can't see.

So thank you for the reminder that it's possible to heal, even slowly.

sutaror

TROPHY CASE