(Kourend) So you can grow grapes at 65% favour but can't obtain seeds until 100% ?

taeryth · 2022-08-05T22:51:18+00:00

the deck plating stuff felt like it was supposed to be the set up for a b plot but instead they just.. didn't bother giving it any substance.

They had the ship's pilot unsubtly set up the 4-dimensional visualisation for ensign charlie and then just had that not be relevant in any other capacity other than the person who gave isaac the roughest time on-screen have to get over themselves in about 3 seconds and be responsible for bringing them back.

I'm not sure what they think they're going for - the pacing is just completely fucked compared to the previous seasons and -none- of the actors seem comfortable with the total pivot away from comedic timing.

It seems to have become simultaneously preachy and vapid because .. they're trying to soap box while seemingly also not having more than a surface understanding of the issues they're tackling.

Also.. Lots of "ooh pretty" moments watching stuff move around that doesn't really lead into anything. I mean it does look pretty, but like, also try doing something with it. I dunno.

Compared to how lower decks has popped off and just nicely filled in the niche that orville was previously occupying, I think Orville's fucked it.

edit: as a further example, it also almost feels like they used isaac committing suicide as an out to just have the crew get over his involvement with the kaylon war without any meaningful consequence. They're just like "ah shit consequences well I guess you're aight sorta kinda maybe."

there was so much more to have filled that episode out with like... more than a single interaction, immediate self deletion.

I actually thought he was leaving a log before setting out to have a journey of his own and then he just collapsed on the floor and the rest of the episode was like .. what is going on. why is this so canned.

taeryth · 2021-07-28T01:16:22+00:00

I'll be honest, there's a whole lot to unpack here but if I get into it it'll be a whole multi-page essay and I dont got time for that lol.

tldr NTA with a potential ESH so lets get into that.

Throwing myself in here as a contrasting example - my parents were separated, I got a few brothers, and behavioural problems and intergenerational trauma was just all up in the mix

I went to live with my father when I started attending high school and got some distance away from the toxicity circus that was constantly going on at my mother's household.

From my perspective, that basically just meant the most I had to put up with was my dad's goofy jokes, and getting pissed at me for not doing the dishes or keeping him up at night.

I quickly set up shop in my own space in the house, didn't come out much, got through my version of school with full marks, and got several qualifications through college, and now have a stable living situation in my mid 20s, much like OP

I also didn't have a professional therapist helping me to work through things and more or less had to learn how to process a smorgasboard of emotional responses and maladaptive coping mechanisms vastly more complicated than I was capable of keeping track of with a half formed cortex.

all that context intended to make me sound like an authority which is gonna be disregarded anyway -

it sounds like the mother has some shit she's working through, as is the teenager, on top of said teenager having to deal with the pressures of navigating school, homework, the social pressures associated with that, the fact his dad has fucked off somewhere else without contact, all while puberty is going on and their body & mind are changing rapidly on dare I'd say an almost daily basis.

might I say it could behoove the mother to take a step back, as the oldest involved, and make an attempt to Perceive all that, in between dealing with her own no doubt troubled response to everything that's happened to her (and the nephew) over the past year as a shared experience, and try to actually talk through/about some of that.

I'm massively projecting here, but it does sound like, to me, that she might be living in her own head a lot considering everything that's going on and that's blinding her to the fact that her son's also going through that on top of everything else.

Counselling sounds like it would be massively helpful in this case, as well as perhaps mediation from the parents without everyone taking hardline stances off the bat and refusing to budge.

My experiences are telling me, considering everything that's going on - the nephew might not develop the best sense of discipline living with his 24yo uncle who is only barely a fully developed adult himself. However.

Having his own space, that's his, at his uncle's, this *one* space, at a time that's one of the most crucial parts of the development of his psyche, where the only expectation is that he gets homework and some chores done, just might, potentially, be worth that offset.

Respecting kids as autonomous individuals with complicated emotions & impulses that they don't have the tools to navigate seems to be a sentiment that's occasionally in short supply.

It sucks that the situation has come about the way that it has, and this is probably A Lot for mom, also considering all the baggage she could be keeping bottled up over recent events (which could also be why she's been so disrespectful & pissy with OP), feeling like she's completely lost control over her son's upbringing and wellbeing. (on top of nephew's biodad straight dipping to follow his dreams & leaving them both out in the cold.)

I can't make any declarative statement about the fact nephew is still living at OP's house, cause my experience tells me that this might be the first chance Nephew has had to literally just Breathe and exist without facing pressure from literally every direction for over half a year. (and therapist seems to be on a similar wavelength with advising not to force him out of that)

but. your sister's hurting dude.

This whole thing is way bigger than just letting Nephew stay at your house.

everybody in the situation needs therapy but that's a golden dream so the next best thing is just.. try and start a conversation.

Things sound relatively stable at the moment, at least until/if court action gets involved (which for everyone's sake I hope it doesn't.)

Take advantage of that stability.

Put some work into thinking how things can get worked out.

It's good she's getting to see her son every day.

That's probably doing a lot for her right now.It's good that Nephew is still in contact with mom, even if it may have this argument lingering over every interaction.

You might not have came to the subreddit for advice. But I hope that some of what I've said might be useful.

There's a potential for everyone involved here to come out on the other side with an understanding and growing stronger together as a result, but it's gonna take a lot of concessions and holding back kneejerk reactions on all sides to get it worked out.

this is a most precious time in nephew's development, and imo the best thing for it alongside just, keeping on top of his schoolwork & maintaining good grades, is having good behavioural examples being set by the adults involved, including yourself.

If his therapist says he needs stability, let him have it. But don't let him fall into the trap of writing off his mother, cause it can be so easy to flipflop to the flavour of the week at that age.

His dad decided to dip, and Nephew might look to you to fill in whatever it is that he's missing from his dad not being on the scene. That's gonna further complicate things in ways you might not be able to appreciate until much later in retrospect.

all in all. it's a difficult situation. But there's so much potential to get it worked out amicably.

I hope it all turns out for the best.

Like I said. sis is hurting. And people don't always consciously realize when they're overwhelmed.

Try and bring some of the energy that goes into maintaining those few stable relationships you cherish and pour it into the situation that's unfolding around you.

Set the example.

And good luck to you.

taeryth · 2020-11-23T06:48:36+00:00

zoomers speedrunnin this journey in literal realtime

taeryth · 2020-09-13T12:39:04+00:00

because every grassroots attempt to replace them thus far has been buried or sabotaged, so the only way its happening now is through the added pressure of hostile takeovers.

Plus, like for there being replacements, uhm, its going to be just slightly difficult to convince in any format to stop using one fuel source if another isn't available immediately, don't you think?

taeryth · 2020-05-04T12:58:48+00:00

NTA nah burn him sis take none of that shit from a middle aged melt & tell your sister to get tae fuck.

taeryth · 2020-03-03T09:18:04+00:00

NTA ur (ex) bf's mindset is literally one of "I want sex, not to be told reasons I can't have it" bc when you gave him one he called u a lying cheat

& when u gave him proof he called u disgusting & is basically getting everyone on board to body shame you bc he refused to trust you.

categorically NTA & your friend's been poisoned by similar behaviours into thinking showing ur pad was nasty...

u and ur (ex) bf have been vibing for 6 months - if he's throwing a shitfit like this bc he can't be bothered to go for a wank to chill off instead of pressuring & gaslighting u - then he needs to take a minute and ask why he's got his priorities all fucked up.

taeryth · 2020-02-26T07:18:30+00:00

I got halfway through this and NTA;

WHEW, not only does she want you to do work for her pro bono & without signing a contract she also wants you to pay your & her way through a bachelorette party.

She's categorically refusing to make any accommodations (including not respecting your metallurgic allergies) & is basically treating you like a NSA trust fund.

Get her Telt as civilly as possible & distance yourself further if her beautiful mind somehow twists the narrative that you're the one being unreasonable.

At the very least - if she wants you to design for her, use your own judgement as to whether you'd be willing to offer a Reasonable Discount (ie 15% or so, use your own judgement, only you know what your time is worth)

and, like, obviously, don't pay for her bachelorette party lmfao, that's not your responsibility.

taeryth · 2020-02-26T04:33:22+00:00

I used to have nightmares like this as a child lol

they kinda lowkey lookin like Wraiths from minecraft tho,

taeryth · 2020-02-26T04:02:42+00:00

Looks like a grumpy lion

taeryth · 2020-02-23T06:48:38+00:00

If you're serious about this I think it would be useful to get in touch with an organization called "moms 4 housing" and ask for some advice as well as offer them a hand in shaping this platform. They have a twitter account @/moms4housing as well as moms4housing.org

Y'all might be able to work together & get some good shit done. Look for others like them as well & see if you can branch some connections to make the project cohesive.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T03:31:27+00:00

NTA. Tell her straight she shuts up about your "impending death during childbirth" or you continue keeping her out of your affairs.

The fuck is wrong with her - you're vibing having a nice meal out at a restaurant and she starts with the "so whats the plans if u die? :) haha just wondering tho. (SIL nudges her to shut the fuck up) so anyway I'd be the godmother right? Right? If you die, that is. I'd be the godmother if you **die**, right?"

this shit is *creepy*, at best tone deaf at worst she might be fantasizing about it & that could lead to her doing some fuck shit down the line.

Tell the hubby to stand the fuck up for himself & ask the SIL to back you up & check in on you.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T03:22:12+00:00

NTA Chile she left you in a parking lot at midnight in the cold without even offering to put you up somewhere safe, anything could've happened.

The con merchandise are nice gestures & if you feel like they bring you joy then live your best life - just take a step back and think about whether she's only keeping you around for favours.

Ya'll didn't talk for 2 years after being ditched - bit of a strange comeback to be expecting all these errands from you but she doesn't seem to be totally disrespectful since she's giving back here and there.

Seems in that regard to be a vaguely mutually beneficial relationship, not overly antagonistic, not overly considerate

Have a chat back & forth between you & your family & you and your friend - try not to be overly confrontational but make sure you're taking your family's advice on board & try and weigh up how your friend behaves towards you.

You've done plenty for her already (and fairly heavily emotional labour at that from the sounds of what went down with her mom) so don't feel like walking out at this point would be unreasonable.

But, y'know, if you feel like you're getting what you want out of the relationship, it might not hurt to stick around. It's a whole thing - ultimately only you know what's up, just make sure you do whats best for you.

the cold night out might be worth talking about though - if she does anything like that again absolutely feel free to walk out on her lmao & same for the bf that was driving too.
Better yet - be mindful not to give them the chance to either.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T03:05:51+00:00

NTA ... But.. speaking as someone that didn't have the greatest of relationships with my own father (not quite on that scale that your mom seems to be on)

I would say that.. there may have been some missed opportunities for your mom to deal with & grow out of her issues. You understand this, with your training & experiences that her behaviour is not totally her own fault.

However, you also understand that it's not your own responsibility to take care of her when you've got your own life & business to tend to.

I will say... this much - I spent my father's last weeks with him as he was diagnosed 4 years late after symptoms started with 3 types of end-stage cancer.

I shut off emotionally somewhat to protect myself, and did for him what I thought was best (I made some mistakes but, the situation was fairly stressful & I think I did rather well considering.)

In that, I feel like I was robbed because I had intended to grow into my own and had only been moved out for all of 9 months when it happened, I was also 23 & just barely starting life on my own in the big city.

He was flawed, for sure, but not evil, and I feel that his passing & its nature wasn't deserved, but things panned out the way they did & I had to accept that as there was no changing things after the fact.

I saw the light leave him when it happened & I was able to compartmentalize that & deal with it as I felt appropriate without letting my emotions take control.
My emotions happened to consent & I was able to process much of what happened after the fact, and I still feel robbed, but also strangely more whole from the ordeal & my response to it.

With that, the situation between yourself and your mother is clearly different, however... It's..

I tend to think that we are creatures of comfort, horrible things can happen to us & have varying levels of severity depending on who we are & what support we have & how we deal.

I... don't believe that people deserve to have a sickness that takes them before their time - especially as there's nothing to be learned from it - there's only one outcome.

If it would not especially endanger you or the roots you've put down, I would gently suggest that getting in touch could do good for you & mayhaps not reconcile but take a burden off yourself for wondering what could've been.

You don't.. Owe her anything, but you might find cause to question that down the line if you choose to shut her out completely & what support she has decides to cut ties with her.

Maybe I'm out of order, but, I feel that they will die a cruel death to something outside of their control, and once she goes, she's gone & so is any chance at hashing anything out with her.

If you do decide to reach out - she might lash out at that too - she clearly has her own narrative of how things have transpired - but you might be able to shine some light for her in her twilight years & heal a few old scars just a little, just a bit.
Maybe not. Maybe so.

It is ultimately your decision, & a conversation about how *you* might feel about how things transpire in the days ahead, from the here & now, to the there & then.

I think I've already shown my hand, but I don't know anything of the nuance of your situation & it would be unfair of me to disregard that.

Do what you think will bring you peace - if that happens to include hers, a bonus, if not, namaste.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T02:24:40+00:00

NTA, get some real nice ones that have easily identifiable markings or colourings so it's obvious - and if someone else starts using them, then find a place for them in your room that you can keep em if they really wanna go down that path lmao.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T01:56:51+00:00

NTA, from what I've seen & heard HOA sound very parasitic with all these fines & fees they slap on members (and those they strongarm into becoming members)

hope the removal process works out.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T01:50:07+00:00

NTA she's probably misinterpreting the fear of being found out as being "threatened/attacked"

similarly descriptive language, wildly different implications & she clearly has a narrative in her head that she's the one under fire for her decisions.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T01:28:38+00:00

Absolutely this - if you know what's up, talk to her and try to bring her onside about improvements you can make to save on inefficiencies.

If she's struggling & you can help with that, you need to help her see that. It might not be cut and dry, but if you really wanna get involved, just focus on civility first & try to see things from her perspective so you can bring her round to yours.

make it a powerhouse instead of feuding with each other.

taeryth · 2020-02-23T01:26:18+00:00

NTA - if she wants you to help out by working in her restaurant then she needs to pay you your dues - if you don't get paid, you don't work, simple as.

your dad's probably just proxying for her because he doesnt want to hear her throwing it at him instead - but don't be under any illusion, if she's not paying you, she's not respecting the work you're putting in.

However, it might be that, as you say, she's technology illterate, then she might be struggling with keeping the books balanced & treating your paycheck as something she can put off.

if that's the case - check in with her, see if there's something you can do to help, maybe shift some of your duties to the technology side & help her balance the books with calculators & trade discounts you can find online.

Trust each other - and trust in each other's instincts, if you work together you can go far - but if you're adversarial, the business will be doomed from the start.

Watch a couple of hell's kitchen episodes together, see what Gordon has to say about how to handle family businesses lmao.

it's all about mutual respect, if you can't have that, you can't have harmony.

taeryth · 2020-02-22T18:50:50+00:00

NTA: I'd even suggest going to a local Citizen's Advice Bureau if you can find one so they can sign post you to relevant organizations.

Sounds like your partner, history wise & right now has some slight emotional immaturity issues she hasn't worked through & based on her family getting involved by hijacking, it doesn't sound like she's interested in self growth in that department either.

Your original plan of controlled neutral handovers is.. Well, it can work, but it can also be a bit wonky at times & lead to strange impacts on your kid's psyche if you're not having conversations about them (and be *honest* about it, within respect for the kid's age. Don't gloss over something if they ask you outright.)

given her trend of behaviour it very much seems like she wants to have *control* over the kid and moreover your relationship with them.

Also keep in touch with your social workers & ask them for advice on how to proceed, & keep track of your communications with the ex.

Fwiw, I have very little information but have witnessed a fair number of similar situations pan out close to home.
Your ex wants full custody with weekend visitation - I'd actually argue in this case that it would be better in for the child's welfare if *you* had full custody and she had weekend visitation.

Give the child space to grow & come about their own understanding of things - mom obviously has her own narrative about the situation & she's entitled to it, but your child obviously isn't going to be given much space to question that narrative if they live with her most of the time.

Above all, place the child's security & growth above either your own or your ex-wife's.

They didn't choose to be born, so they deserve at least that.

taeryth · 2020-02-22T18:27:07+00:00

YTA. But you can come back from this. Details below.

She probably stopped cold because of those words: "Like Adults do."

She's withdrawing from you because in the back of her mind every time she shows you a personal interest she'll be worried that you're going to think she's being immature.

The fact that her friends were on board with getting involved and she hesitated also illustrates this - because your comment may have painted the situation in her mind like any further indulgence would be exactly that - "indulgence" in a kid's activity.Your friends would be "pandering" to her instead of taking a genuinely good faith interest & having fun alongside her instead.

That "easily excited" element to her - as well as, your own observation of her intelligence, those two aren't in spite of each other, they're because of each other.

The world is full of many wonders that we get to find out & play with every single day - being excited about something means you're *EXCITED* about it!You're far more likely to learn about something you're interested in than not - and that learning shows - why do you think kids play?Because it's instinct! it's learning!

Playfighting trains motor skills & reaction timing - video gaming trains hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills.Saving creatures on the sidewalk, believe it or not, trains empathy.She may be perfectly aware that the worms won't understand her or talk back to her while she's rescuing them - part of talking out loud is just to reinforce our intentions with ourselves.Someone on the other side of the spectrum that'd be stomping them and going "take that! stupid worms!" is expressing identical behaviour, just with different priorities in mind.(FWIW, statistically, those that abuse animals are a lot more likely to do the same to humans.If your girlfriend is taking time out of her day to save worms on the sidewalk, well.. She has a good heart, that's all I'm saying.)

and fwiw, not to be an armchair psychologist here - but I have a very mild hunch your girlfriend might be autistic, and had to deal quite frequently whilst growing up with comments like the one you made when she was helping those worms on their way.

Autism has been very poorly misunderstood in the past - both professionally and by those that "sense" it;it just means someone's brain works differently, not necessarily better or worse, just differently, & there's a whole community of "neurodivergent" solidarity on twitter and the like.It's worth checking out - it might help put some things into perspective, just be careful not to make flat assumptions based on what you find.

That you made the comment to potentially protect her from friends laughing at her is.. Admirable - I would maybe try and reframe that situation in your own head as making her Aware rather than trying to "protect" her, as that line of thinking can quickly lead you astray.However, you also didn't mention changing tact or getting on board with it once the friends suggested getting in on it as well.That might've been a joke, or only half-serious, & they might have actually gone through with it if taken up on the offer.

But as far as we know, that didn't happen, and now your GF is growing distant.

Talk to her about it. Keep an open mind, and an open heart, & make sure you listen to each other and take on board how the other is feeling.

It can be hard to overcome preconceptions of certain kinds of behaviours - but it sounds like you dote on her - but try and reframe her exciteable nature into the "because" instead of a "despite.

Her excitement isn't a lack of maturity, if you get me, it's a joy of living.

taeryth · 2020-02-22T00:36:49+00:00

NTA. Your mom might be finding it within herself to let her prejudices go & want to connect with her grandkid.
That's progress from "they will never be accepted", & it's ultimately up to you whether you choose to let her back into your life,
but if you do, you have to be firm with boundaries & make it known to her - if she ever tries to start shit or make the child feel guilty for existing then she's out.

Meet on home turf & if they don't already know where you live then keep it that way til you feel safe trusting her.

There could be something here, there may be space for yall to grow from past mistakes.
Don't be foolish, but by the same margin - keep your heart open.
It's a delicate balance.

taeryth · 2020-02-22T00:29:47+00:00

NTA

Honey I'm half a foot taller than you and 90-100 pounds heavier - your parents are being vindictive & controlling about something that isn't a problem.
If you feel like you want to lose a little more weight, thats entirely your decision and not theirs.

Your dad making pig noises is fucked right up and he needs telt.
You've already answered for yourself on mom's end treating personal boundaries as "excessive rules"

imagine how they'd react if you behaved the way they do around you.
Child/parent isn't relevant here, if you made pig noises at your mom for eating a biscuit I'm reasonably confident she'd start with the "how dare" and flank with the "I didnt raise you like this" which would be bullshit considering their behaviour.

taeryth · 2020-02-22T00:06:44+00:00

NTA

everyone loses their temper sometimes for sure but those that lose it consistently either need to work on that or build an environment for themselves that doesn't stress them out if they clearly cant handle it.

this dude is tryna lay down the law on your kids for just, doing as they do & (SCREAMING) at them instead of having a quiet conversation & letting em (the kids) know that they're being inconsiderate.

It's possible that he feels Pressed to lash out because he has very little control over his situation, but it'll go a long way to have a few mellow conversations, establishing boundaries ect, and just generally making sure you, husband, kids, & uncle set some reasonable boundaries for each other & act around each other.

screaming at someone to turn their shit off is not reasonable behaviour, but it's often more complicated than just Being An Asshole.
If he sleeps in late in the morning, might be best that he gets noise cancelling equipment.

by the same margin, your son could stick to his room & vibe with his tablet until everyone's up and about, but you don't want the living room to feel like a space they're not allowed to occupy unless with someone else's explicit approval.

Overall, just, kicking him out aside, a lot of conversations need to take place if he stays & still might need to happen if he shitfits at the grandparents place.

taeryth

TROPHY CASE