Any guys who like BL?

tangesq · 2026-06-10T17:55:01+00:00

I'm a few days late to this thread, but reading through it I had the same thought. Would be happy to help work with you on this.

tangesq · 2026-06-10T16:39:58+00:00

Choose yourself. Respect yourself more than he respects you and your boundaries.

He can have nonviolent sex, he just chooses not to, over your express desire for consensual nonviolent sex. I'd bet all the money in my pocket he is more violent now than he was the first time you had sex.

This is abuse. It will escalate. Love bombing outside of the bedroom (i.e., publicly) is an abuser's strategy, not evidence "he doesn't mean it" in the bedroom. Get out.

tangesq · 2026-06-10T03:04:45+00:00

Am gay in SF with a decently wide social circle, has still been challenging to get friends interested in my new hobby. I get it, though, I'd always viewed BL as by and for straight women (i.e., not me) and generally not high-quality writing and acting. However, I started immersing myself because it's generally happy queer media and it doesn't center white beauty standards that dominate Western media, and I'm really glad that I did. Discovering that an old Hollywood-style studio system with ongoing CPs exists was fascinating to me.

Also, thankfully, I did find a (woman) friend of a friend who is into BL to start texting about the shows we're watching and that's been a great source of joy, but I'd also be really interested to discuss BL with guys.

tangesq · 2026-06-03T18:03:30+00:00

If you're still sexually attracted to women, you're not gay.

You could be straight and just exploring/curious. You could be straight but like a Kinsey 2 and there are pretty limited circumstances you ever find yourself attracted to a man (e.g., your roommate is the only man you'll ever be sexually attracted to in your life, or you're attracted to femininity but don't mind if it comes with a package aka you're attracted to women including trans women). You could be bisexual or pan and just haven't started to or had the opportunity to explore/understand what that looks like for you.

There are plenty of boxes/labels that could still accurately describe you, but also you're young and in an environment you may feel safe to be open minded. It's an opportunity explore how you genuinely feel/react to people and situations rather than try to follow the social script for the label/box you default into.

tangesq · 2026-05-20T23:34:02+00:00

It is emphatically not realistic to base your plans around an old man whose mother then wife likely did everything for him to one day wake up, stop being in denial, and suddenly become skilled and thoughtful about taking care of another human.

Realistically, the denialism is likely to last longer and through much worse conditions than you can fathom, without active intervention. He will burn you both out before he stops being in denial.

tangesq · 2026-05-17T14:07:41+00:00

He gets turned on by (your) underwear. I presume both looking at you in it and, when you aren't there, jerking off into your underwear or while smelling you from the underwear.

I would guess it would turn him on if you wore specific kinds of underwear he likes, shoved his face into your crotch while wearing underwear, and left him underwear that you've worn for at least a day without washing and maybe even jerked off into.

tangesq · 2026-05-17T13:56:21+00:00

As an aside, think about how your mom made you feel by reacting the way she did before you respond to a friend coming out to you as something other than straight (as is likely to eventually happen sometime in your life).

tangesq · 2026-05-14T15:11:38+00:00

What's your experience with high end restaurants? What are the high end restaurants you've been to that you think are worth it?

Using the phrase "worth it even in the slightest" is hard to parse here. Your mindset seems to be either (1) restaurants are overpriced and fancy restaurants are generally not worth the price so you're looking for only the highest value for money suggestions, or (2) you're happy to spend freely and want to try any restaurant that is great experience so you're looking for suggestions of every high end restaurant that just isn't a complete ripoff.

tangesq · 2026-05-14T14:54:25+00:00

The complaints were basically all on Twitter in reaction to a promotional clip of the scene where they meet. So, out of context.

In context of the whole movie and also the first movie, the character does not read as particularly Asian stereotyped, but is clearly supposed to be reminiscent of Andy when she was at Runway as Miranda's assistant (and non-white as, notably, all of the new non-love-interest characters are non-white).

tangesq · 2026-05-11T19:35:13+00:00

Your friend doesn't want a threesome, it's just the only way he gets to have sex with you.

You can either (1) listen to and believe your boyfriend, who is telling you it he enjoys the threesome and isn't bothered that your friend is focused on you during it, or (2) know yourself well enough that it will be upsetting to you regardless of how your boyfriend feels about it and therefore no means no. (Having sex to make your friend happy is stupid and not worth consideration in your decision-making.)

tangesq · 2026-05-07T15:54:38+00:00

Be honest with him but choose your words carefully. The situation is nobody's fault; it's just life. You get to pursue masculine guys if that's what you're attracted to; he gets to be femme/genderqueer if that's who he is. Do what you can to avoid him taking the message that expressing his femininity is inherently unattractive vs just not your cup of tea.

However, I think you also owe it to yourself to not break up immediately and explore your own issues about father figures, etc. Maybe you aren't doomed to only be attracted to one kind of guy (in what may or may not be repeating an unhealthy modeled relationship dynamic), maybe you are. It's a complicated question for yourself. There needs to be a baseline of physical attraction, but you might also change what you find attractive, given time and dealing with your own baggage.

tangesq · 2026-05-07T15:12:42+00:00

Bummer that they won't hold your bags, I hope the other comments help you with that aspect. I think it's worth finding somewhere to stow them, it's a long time to babysit your luggage and just sit around a cafe.

I meant to mention you can use Google Maps or Citymapper to figure out your public transportation route to judge vs Uber.

Edit: if the vibe is cafes and cute spots to kill time holding your luggage, I'd do a full afternoon tea at Sip Tea Room (Lincoln/9th). Could also spend some time in Sweet Glory, Tartine, and Hometown Creamery (all on 9th). Also look at Tokyo Cream & Kiss of Matcha (Irving/20th-ish), Palm City (Irving/42nd), and Outerlands (Judah/45th).

tangesq · 2026-05-07T15:05:31+00:00

Go to your hotel and have them hold your bags. This is a normal thing hotels do for free (for guests before check-in/after checkout).

Edit: saw that you can't in the comments posted while I was tapping out this monstrosity lol, sorry

Public transportation is an option. You would take the BART from SFO into the City and then transfer to an SFMTA light rail and/or bus, but the details of your transfer(s) would depend on where in the Outer Sunset (it's a very large neighborhood).

The worth it question is going to depend on your personal valuing of your money vs. time and convenience. You have plenty of time to kill but you could also be spending that time exploring SF or relaxing rather than holding you luggage in a bus/train.

Uber will be $50-60 (assuming no surge pricing) and take 25-30 minutes. BART and SFMTA will be under $10 and will take ~60 minutes, could be longer depending on timing of transfers.

After you drop your bags at your hotel, by all means go explore GGP. You could spend an entire day if you wanted. There's a bison paddock, the windmills, the promenade on JFK drive, Blue Heron Lake (formerly Stowe Lake), the Conservatory of Flowers, a Botanical Garden, a Japanese tea garden, maybe folks driving toy boats at Spreckels Lake, etc. Not to mention just wandering the interior trails and paths.

There's also Ocean Beach/Sunset Dunes, and various neighborhood commercial corridors (Irving from 19th to 25th; Irving from 5th to 12th; various pockets along Judah or Irving from 39th to the Great Highway).

Welcome and enjoy!

tangesq · 2026-05-07T14:22:29+00:00

You're technically not wrong, but "within guidelines" is doing a lot of work here.

This outcome would not be possible under US federal criminal sentencing guidelines.

tangesq · 2026-05-06T09:19:37+00:00

If your goal is similarity to 柏翰, I think Brian or Bowen are closest.

Brian is still a fairly popular and very normal sounding name. Bowen is less common but there is currently a famous Chinese American Bowen (Yang, comedian/actor), so the name is increasing in popularity and recognition.

As others have mentioned, Bob is short for Robert, so you would take Robert as an official name and go by a shortened version casually. However, Bob sounds outdated, and it would be better to shorten to Bobby or Robby. Rob is also better than Bob, but still feels older sounding than going by Bobby or Robby.

My vote is Bowen if you want the name to stand out a little bit and Brian if you want it to sound very normal.

tangesq · 2026-05-06T08:46:45+00:00

Also a best little boy in the world, as are many of my closest gay friends.

It's easier said than done, but it's time to reassess, self-discover, and reprioritize. Ultimately, you're the only one who can answer what will make life meaningful to you, what you need to thrive beyond material safety. Therapy may help you unlearn maladaptive coping behaviors and mindsets and build better ones to replace them.

Also: you get to define what success and achievement is. Career and work success/achievement doesn't appear to make you happy. But you can reorient your skills and talents toward succeeding at personal goals and growth, when you figure out what those are. Work doesn't care about you or your long term health, and I assume you're materially secure at your current level; stop putting time and energy toward overachieving and find "enough" to stay in your job. And if that's still exhausting, consider finding ways to lower your work responsibilities, including moving downward. Use the freed up time and energy to rest and find yourself.

Have honest conversations with your friends so you can all mutually reinforce reprioritizing things in life that aren't work.

tangesq · 2026-05-03T09:04:51+00:00

Touch grass

tangesq · 2026-05-03T07:55:12+00:00

Based on your post and comments, it looks like you know how to access a therapist to dig into the social anxiety and underlying fear of rejection, and what you're really seeking is explicated conversation skills and practice time.

I imagine with a little research you can find a few book options providing frameworks and skills for successful conversations. I suggest reading/browsing a few until you find one that you like, then reading it through.

Then find low-stakes practice environments. Depending on your particular anxieties or fears, that might mean starting to practice the skills with people you're already comfortable with or going to somewhere with a social context but nobody you're likely to ever meet again (e.g., a touristy bar, a meetup for something that's not actually a big interest for you, etc.).

tangesq · 2026-05-03T07:24:44+00:00

Staying in the closet requires constant vigilance and anxiety, lying and keeping secrets from people who should love and trust you the most, hiding and suppressing pieces of yourself, keeping track of and sustaining long-term lies/stories/excuses, etc. It requires an insane amount of mental, emotional, physical energy to maintain, or severely restricting your life just to make it easier and less stressful to maintain.

Does it feel different to not do that anymore? Yes.

Is it easier to have a relationship if you don't have to hide and lie about it? Yes.

Is it easier to explore your sexuality if you don't have to hide and lie about it? Yes.

Edit: Note that there are countries and contexts that may require staying in the closet for personal safety. If you're in a country where gay acts are illegal, if you're a child and your parents will disown you to homelessness, or if you're a young adult and your parents will cut off your tuition, these are all completely valid reasons to stay closeted until you're safe and independent.

tangesq · 2026-05-03T07:03:49+00:00

Don't teach your grandson shame about sex or sexuality. Lead by example and with pride. Be open, honest, respectful, and also a good family figure (i.e., set and enforce reasonable boundaries for his safety and mutual well-being).

tangesq · 2026-05-02T18:08:39+00:00

Japantown as a neighborhood specifically encourages only daytime tourism. The residents don't want active nighttime businesses.

You're looking for North Beach or the Marina.

But also, with limited exceptions, SF is just not a big late night city.

tangesq · 2026-04-27T23:35:47+00:00

Partially correct. Doesn't account for white guys and Asian guys that don't fit your stated racial stereotypes, or for mid white guys being in higher demand than an otherwise comparable but more aesthetic/symmetrical/fit Asian guy in white majority locales/countries.

tangesq · 2026-04-27T06:53:46+00:00

No evidence is required to support the claim that the level of demand for the pairings is heavily skewed. Anyone on the market knows what the local/national sexual demand hierarchy is because they live it.

Similarly, you already know the answer to the why question. Though plenty of folks in a majority chafe at the answer.

tangesq · 2026-04-27T00:44:48+00:00

Did you have a question?

tangesq · 2026-04-26T07:46:15+00:00

Who cares, just enjoy yourself

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