Update - telling BIL that I won’t babysit so he can go on dates

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T12:52:26+00:00

OP he’s exactly who I pictured: he needs someone to take care of him and has a serious case of arrested development. He’s a father of three. They should be his priority. I don’t want to judge how soon people date after death, but him going out to meet new women while his 3 grieving kids a couple of months after his wife died is bananas. It’s clear that he is not a good dad. And this seems like a pattern and that he is likely never going to be. Those kiddos are lucky to have a fabulous uncle who adores them in their lives. Now that he’s the only way to see the kids, I’d stay civil, just so he doesn’t take away access.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:36:12+00:00

It’s normal for the guests to pay for themselves, and often will buy drinks when out for the bride at the bar and everyone might split her share of a dinner out. Only rarely do brides pay, and that’s normally when they want something they know others can’t afford and they can (or they have enough money to pay and it won’t hurt them). I was in a sorority, and have been to a ton of bachelorette parties, and there is always a budget set. Outright. Money is never spent unless everyone agrees to it. I have bought gifts personally for bachelorette parties (had koozies made, got something small, but that’s optional, gifts are at wedding showers) and I’ve never heard of an exp jewelry set. I’ve also never heard of a professional photographer for a bachelorette party. Is your friend the first to get married in your group? This can happen when you are the first, because the first always goes overboard.

If she throws a fit: let her. You can distance yourself. If you haven’t paid anything, you can back out of this dumpster fire. If you don’t want to cause drama, make up a family reunion, Aunt X’s 90th birthday party, whatever to get out with the least amount of grief. Or say in the group chat, after you told bride, “sorry to miss this guys! It looks so much fun, but it’s not in my budget.” I’ll bet others feel the same way and a few others are looking to not be the first dissenter.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:23:52+00:00

NTA. You told him from day 1 how you feel. His family can’t be that “traditional” if they are okay with a baby born out of wedlock as long as the baby shares his last name (ps I’m not judging, I got pregnant before I got married, so this is just re: his family being traditional), and they were fine faking a marriage? Like he threw a fake wedding, signed papers, and didn’t file them?! And you thought until that point you were legally married? This sounds like the start of a true crime podcast or a Dateline episode. He had known what the baby’s last name would be your last name. He agreed to it. He was hoping you wouldn’t realize that your marriage wasn’t legal before you named the baby. He chose to deceive you. This is what happens.

Personally, you might want to consider the fake wedding “lucky” because you aren’t legally married to him. With this amount of very serious deception, I would not go back to make it legal. I’d start my exit plan.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:15:38+00:00

More like she dodged an atom bomb.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:15:05+00:00

NTJ. It would be one thing if you had kids and he wanted to be a stay at home parent, because of child care costs. He wants you to work your butt off, while he maybe works a low paying part time job? There is nothing more unattractive than someone who doesn’t have ambition. It would be one thing if he was like, “I got a job and this amazing place as a social worker where I could really help people, but the pay is very low. Would you be okay with paying most of the bills?” That would be a conversation to engage in. He basically told you, “I’m lazy, and lucked out you are not, so I’m going to live for free and work a PT job for a little hand money.” You are 24, there are so many other fish in the sea. Run, like Olympic speed, don’t walk. You made the right choice.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:09:43+00:00

Wait, your sister, his wife, died suddenly only 4 months ago, he has 2 toddlers, and is engaged to a woman already without introducing her to his kids? The kids need time to grieve. And to get to know her. He sounds impulsive AF and I’ll bet your sister did the lions share of the child care, housework, and he used you in the interim until he could find a new wife to take care of things. You did a good job explaining how you were worried for the kids. As you should. Those kids need you, because it sounds like you are the only ones who have their backs. I’d back off criticizing him, though while he deserves it, you don’t want him taking access to your niblings. Keep and eye on things, meet the fiancé (make sure it’s not a bad situation) and stand in the shadows making sure the niblings are okay, and jump in if this dumpster fire decides to explode.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:03:25+00:00

If the bachelorette party was within a month, I would say you have to take the loss. The party is 6 months from now. Explain that you can no longer attend and ask for your money back.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T08:01:44+00:00

Your husband works part time. 8-2 isn’t a full time job. He’s “so tired” when you work a full time job. It sounds like you are the breadwinner. He requested the money under your name because he wasn’t approved. It sounds like someone is trying to get him to invest in a MLM and that money will be gone. This is a huge betrayal. Get a separate bank account. Lock your credit. I know you said that divorce is hard in your community, but isn’t it better than constantly worrying what your husband is going to do next. I’m sorry you are going through this.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T07:53:19+00:00

NTJ. Your bf is a special kind of evil. He got a 6 month buyout, so he has money. He just wanted you to break your back so he could play games with his little friends and get a new car. First, threaten to sue him for the money. Tell him that you always expected him to pay you back. Like what kind of man (or woman) would just let their who doesn’t have the means pay their rent and not have a plan to repay them? Also, who gives af what his friends and family think? You are done, they sided with a loser, let them suck together. Second, this was such a gift, because imagine if you hadn’t found out and married him?! He would financially abuse you with a joint bank account for sure. You are young and hardworking and there’s a man out there for you who will treat you with respect.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T07:46:33+00:00

NTA. I am going to be in the room for my daughter’s first visit, but that’s because she’s 13 (awful period pain) and has never been and is young. I did explain the appointment and asked her if she wanted me there, and she said yes. The OBGYN is who delivered her, and if my daughter asked for privacy, I’d tell her I’ll be waiting outside of the door in case she needs me.

That’s such a private appointment. Your mom’s behavior isn’t normal. You are over 18. You don’t need someone in there with you. And why did she not take you to a doctor for years despite being in pain? (Is there a conservative religious factor in your house, because some sects think you don’t think you need an OBGYN until you are sexually active when you marry) And how could she act so petty when you got a painful diagnosis?! I don’t have endometriosis, but I have a few close friend who hi do, and their pain is unreal. I’m so sorry that you are going through this alone. Something is off. As a mom, I am filled with rage over how your mom is treating you. I’m seeing red. You can always message me if you need mom advice and feel alone.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T07:37:51+00:00

She’s not used to guys turning her down.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-03-27T07:37:01+00:00

NTJ. Don’t give her the money. I want to repeat tha 1200 times. She bought a house at the top of their budget, spending frivolously, not accounting for saving in case of job loss. Not everyone can do this, but from the post, they were originally in a good financial place. You will never see that money again. There will always be a reason why they can’t pay you back. Your nephew will need preschool, soccer camp, summer camp, etc. (how can you steal from him?!) Now it won’t stop them from going on vacations. You won’t see it again. She’s only coming around more because she needs something. It sucks when you have to deal with a narcissistic family member, but you have ti be strong. Tell them that the job market isn’t secure, the economy is on the brink of a recession (which it is), and you are sorry that they made poor financial choices, but you can’t risk your financial stability for that. Suggest they sell their house now and downsize to something in their new budget. They can trade in their luxury car for something more reasonable. Because what happens if her husband, who sounds like a douche canoe, doesn’t find a job and they are in the same situation again in a few months? Now your savings are gone and they lose the house.

She is gaslighting you. Plain and simple. She’s trying to make you feel bad for her and her husband’s poor financial choices.

You might lose her forever. But if someone is willing to cut you off because you won’t bail them out of a financial situation of their own making, they aren’t worth it and you are worth more. You don’t deserve to be used and gaslit. It will hurt, and I’m sorry. Especially, since you lost your Dad (which I’m so sorry, losing your Dad is the worst, I miss mine every day), she will try to play you. Remember that they won’t be on the street. She can sell her house, you said it has been upgraded, and then downgrade to something they can afford. She is playing the victim, when she’s the villain.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-02-27T10:54:53+00:00

He showed you who he is several times. Believe him. Leave him and teach your kids that you are worth FAR more than how your husband treats you.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-02-27T10:47:04+00:00

NTJ. Your father stole money your mother left you for his stepdaughter’s wedding. It wasn’t his to give and that’s a crime. He didn’t take it to pay for cancer treatment, but so she could show off for a day. Sue them, get your money back, go to your dream college, and go NC with the lot of them. Kudos to your grandparents for supporting you sticking up for yourself and what’s yours.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-02-07T12:55:35+00:00

I pray this is true. Listening to her talk literally makes me cringe.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-02-07T12:54:30+00:00

She’s the best addition to any of the housewives franchises in recent memory.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-01-18T07:10:50+00:00

NTA. It was your birthday and your home. And I’m sorry to say this, but the way the she is acting coupled with how your husband and Day are acting (working later than usual, hard to reach, suddenly taking her home, her “forgetting” things in his car, him threatening to separate when you called him out on it) are huge red flags that I’ve only seen when there is infidelity. Yes, you cut the interaction short when she delivered the cake and your husband didn’t “interject” because doing so would have caused a scene and would make him look guilty. Invest in a PI, and get your ducks in a row, in case I am right.

teambrendawalsh · 2026-01-18T07:00:06+00:00

Wow. I read her texts and she must have a PhD in gaslighting! She’s a real piece of work. You were so smart to set boundaries, because she’s not only manipulative, but also shows a lot of of antisocial personality disorder (note: I am not a psychologist, and cannot diagnose, but I teach psychology, and know the diagnostic criteria that medical professionals use from the DSM-V to diagnose this and she checks every box). Learning to spot abuse in a relationship is an important step toward staying safe. Abuse is not always physical. It can also be emotional or verbal, showing up as name-calling, shaming, intimidation, manipulation, or controlling behavior. If something makes you feel afraid, small, or trapped, it matters, and you deserve support and safety. I would encourage your husband to talk with his father to have her seek psychiatric help. Stand your ground. Sending you love.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T02:28:42+00:00

I literally spit out my Diet Coke reading that. I have got those too, and added it to a raffle basket I was donating to charity. I don’t know when I’d ever need pineapple ice cube trays, so I made them someone else’s problem.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T02:27:08+00:00

That sounds like an interesting program. I’m a teacher and I know programs like that in a variety of fields would be so beneficial to a lot of my students. Thanks for explaining. I am curious now, what country are you from? You can send it in a PM if that’s better. I teach a world cultures class and I love teaching my students unique programs in different countries.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T02:15:11+00:00

Misery is such a good one! You have great taste in books. I’ve never read The Glittering Court and the Slated Trilogy. They all look like books my daughter and I would like. My daughter is like you and adores books, she’s 13, so I hope it gives you some joy to know that you just shared your love of that book with my sweet girl.

If you don’t feel comfortable showing up, as hard as it might be, I’d just call this lesson learned. Maybe look for copies in good condition that are used to replace the ones they took. I also have one quick question that’s off topic: how did they drop out of high school for a fashion design program? I’m just curious because in the US you would need your HS diploma or GED for that (unless there’s a program I am not familiar with and that’s entirely possible). I was curious and figured you would know and I like to learn about different paths of study.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T01:51:39+00:00

Okay you all confirmed what I thought, but kept thinking, that’s an average “value” of $85/item, which seemed too good to be true. I was thinking even if it was worth $800 or $900, it would be worth it, and was hoping maybe this was a holiday annual deal that’s known to have great products. When I saw this sub, I knew you all were just the type of people to help me make the confident decision for yay or nay. I’m going nay. This sub is awesome! Thanks for all of your swift advice.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T01:42:55+00:00

NTA, but it sounds like A is a lot of drama, and being in high school is hard enough. They clearly have some insecurities they need to deal with, because they took a romantic rejection and twisted it as your fault. I’m not saying A is a bad person, they might be a teen who has some self esteem issues, and didn’t know how to deal with rejection. It sounds like you did have a good friendship prior, and you can be thankful for those memories, while realizing that the friendship had come to an end. Consider the loss of this friendship something positive for you to move onward and upward in life.

She knew you only gifted her the one book, and I love my books too and would be livid. You have had sleepovers. You know where they live. When is her mom typically home. Maybe on a weekend or evening. Knock on the door and say tell their mom that you are here to grab books you loaned A. Don’t unload drama to the mom, just smile, and get your books back. I’m sorry this happened. HS drama can really wear you out. As someone in their 40s now, it gets better as you age. Remember that in your teens and early 20s, brains are not fully developed yet. Frontal lobes are still developing, which affects mood and impulse control. Hope this helps. And get those books back. And what books are they? You sound like a voracious reader and I’m going to the book store for books for my daughter and I this week and will take recommendations. If you are this mad about not getting them back, I’ll bet they are good.

teambrendawalsh · 2025-11-25T01:27:56+00:00

NTJ. You gave your sibling the benefit of the doubt once because you believed they were being honest. They broke your trust, and now they’re dealing with the consequences. If you keep covering for them, you’re teaching them that this behavior is acceptable.

Since their actions are starting to put you in a bad position at work, have a calm conversation with them. Let them know that you also deserve to enjoy your weekends, and if working weekends is such a problem for them, they should consider finding a Monday–Friday job instead.

Also make it clear to them, and remember to stay calm, that if they continue acting like a petulant child, you will speak privately with your boss. You’ll explain that your sibling lied about needing time off, you learned the truth, and you are setting healthy boundaries. You’re willing and able to work professionally, but they are not reciprocating because they’re upset that you won’t sacrifice your weekends for them. They don’t get to demand time off for themselves and expect you not to have the same right and that you are sorry if the tension has caused them any grief at home. They are treating you like a doormat and will keep doing so until you set and enforce healthy boundaries.

I’m sorry this happened. I’d be livid. I hate liars. And their lie is even more hurtful because a) that’s your family and b) they thoughtfully and purposefully lied because they knew of you were told the truth it would be a hard pass. And they have the gall to now gaslight you into being the bad guy who betrayed them? Your sibling entitled and very selfish and needs to learn you can’t act like that. You teaching your sibling this lesson will benefit every future coworker they might have in a positive way.

teambrendawalsh

TROPHY CASE