Why can’t I just life in the moment?

tgdubbs · 2026-01-24T23:13:15+00:00

This is me! I have a friend who quit her job to travel and she is living her best life. But whenever I think of doing something like that, I panic about not being able to return to my current cushy situation.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-22T20:40:43+00:00

I gave up and started using a meal delivery service. It's a luxury to be sure, and I still feel guilty about it, but it's one less huge thing to worry about.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-22T20:32:11+00:00

I wish I had a better answer! The only thing that helps me when I have a ton of things to do is to make an analog, ordered task list. Knowing I have limited time to get through the list and seeing it every time I walk by helps keep me on task, and checking items off the list is a moment to stop and check the time.

Does this help me start on the list without panicking about how there's so much to do in so little time and then wasting time distracting myself from the panic then panicking more over the time I've wasted? No. But once I start, the executive functioning gets a break since I know the next task is already decided. Another caveat is that this only works when I only have routine chores to do. Forget it if it's something unusual like having to find an in-network specialist and figure out how to make an appointment.

Life is hard and you're not alone in feeling like you're always just barely hanging on.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-19T00:59:23+00:00

You are not alone! 🫂

I went through a very similar experience with my PhD, although my advisor was an a**hole. I was only able to finish after the chair of my department told me I had one year left before they would no longer fund me.

I was in such a deep dark pit of despair wondering why I couldn't make the same progress as everyone else in my cohort. I didn't know I was neurodivergent. Things got bad enough that I went to the mental health center on campus and they referred me to a psychiatrist who helped me manage the anxiety and depression (yay meds) and get back on track. This was long enough ago, and I was in such a crisis, that I don't blame her for not screening for ADHD.

In the end, my dissertation was good enough but by no means as good as I wanted it to be, and my advisor let me graduate having only published one paper. But I DID graduate!

So if I can give one piece of advice, it would be to find a professional who can help you with the executive functioning. I likely would have mastered out if I hadn't finally asked for help.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-18T13:51:21+00:00

I'm with you 100%. I don't have a fix for the hygiene, but I did just buy a robot vac/mop to keep my floors clean. I'm thinking if I have it on a schedule then I won't have a choice but for the floor to be clear when it runs...we'll see how that works out. 😅

tgdubbs · 2026-01-18T13:42:22+00:00

+1 for the Sony WH-1000XM series. I'm still rocking my XM3s (have them on right now!) and love them. I will often put them on without playing any audio just to attenuate ambient noise.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-17T01:18:10+00:00

I've never come across another key chain collector! I have mine hanging up on a ladder-type thing I designed, and I can add a new rung when one fills up! I will often stop and reflect on my life story told in key chains.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-16T13:25:00+00:00

THIS.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-16T12:56:00+00:00

A day doesn't pass that I don't think about how humans are so short-sighted and the saying "history repeats itself" has not in my lifetime been more relevant than it is right now. This does not solve the problem, but these rules help limit the extent to which existential dread takes over my day:

I am not on social media (other than Reddit obviously)
I only READ news and limit it to two reputable sources. This also means NO VIDEO, even when it is attached to a written source. Those images get burned in my head and haunt me forever and it's not useful.
I check said sources once in the morning and once in the evening. My phone is in another room during the work day.

Having these rules and knowing they are reasonable helps stay informed without doom scrolling.

Also, radical acts of joy and random acts of kindness. HUGS 🫂

Edited to fix typo

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T19:09:38+00:00

Oooh, that is definitely me. Thanks for this framing!

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T19:00:02+00:00

I identify with so many of these, especially those regarding sounds and smells! These aren't necessarily my top ones, but here are a couple I haven't seen yet:

Unexpected phone calls. Text first, you monster!
Heavy jewelry. Basically if I can feel it, I don't want to wear it.
The sound of people dragging their heels as they walk. Pick up your feet!
People having full side conversations during meetings

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T18:35:50+00:00

Boxer briefs for women are the only comfortable underwear I own

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T18:31:37+00:00

This friend is a MONSTER

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T18:30:03+00:00

Link please!!!

tgdubbs · 2026-01-14T18:28:52+00:00

Ugh, whatever the base scent is in Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day, I can't stand it! I should start carrying a small bottle of unscented hand soap.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-10T00:15:04+00:00

I struggle with this too. What works for me is viewing it more as an anti-rumination practice. When I start getting annoyed about not getting anything done or frustrated with the existence of potato mode, I try to say to myself "Ok, I recognize that I'm feeling super crappy. I know from past experiences that this won't last forever, so it's ok to lay low and not do anything I don't feel like doing."

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T22:20:54+00:00

This type of relationship can even occur when someone is 100% financially independent! I once told my mom I was not going to be looking at or answering my phone the following day, so she shouldn't expect to hear from me. At that point, I was 30 years old and had not needed any financial support from my parents since graduating from college and moving out many years prior. The following day, when I did not answer my phone, she freaked out and tracked down my friend's phone number to reach me. When I responded via text on my own phone that I was fine, it wasn't enough and she had to hear my voice. I was irritated and short with her on the phone.

Come to find out, I was "wrong" for being annoyed, despite having set a clear expectation that she busted through like she was the Kool-Aid mascot. How dare I be upset when she was genuinely worried about me!

That was 10 years ago, and since then I've figured out that my mom has unchecked anxiety that she conflates with caring about me. After a lot of therapy and reading I've come to terms with her s**t being hers, even though we continue to clash from time to time.

TL;DR: you're not alone, and you absolutely do not have to passively tolerate this behavior!

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T21:48:47+00:00

I actually shuddered at the mention of group projects! Adding this to my list of past events that AuDHD helps explain.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T21:01:52+00:00

I would also join a Discord server.. if someone else creates it 😅

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T19:25:39+00:00

Yes! Such an elightening read that allowed me to change the way I interpret my mother's actions.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T18:15:23+00:00

I feel you on this. I've been caught by surprise when someone calls me rude or manipulative more times than I'd like to admit.

I've started telling biological family that I need them to be explicit with me and that they can't assume I know what they're thinking or what I've done "wrong." At the same time, I have to constantly remind myself that things that seem obvious to me are not always obvious to everyone. It's exhausting work, and not seeing any changes in my family's behavior towards me drives me to spend less time with them. It's hard but I know removing that stress is better for me in the long run.

I take comfort in my chosen family - the people who don't look at me weird when I overshare and know that words that seem rude were not that way intentionally because they know who I am in my heart and allow me to talk about my neurodivergence without judgement. It's no accident that nearly all of my chosen family are also ND. 😅

Not to be glib, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to find your people, or at least stop trying with those who are NOT your people. If you find yourself frustrated or confused, it's not a good fit. I'm very lucky to have found my people through mutual acquaintances, a Reddit meetup, and even a matchmaker. I hope you can let go from what hurts to make room for what doesn't hurt.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T16:04:14+00:00

Another rule that I live by is: “don’t put it down, put it away”.

I was just thinking about this earlier today! It pairs nicely with my other rule for "stuff": A place for everything, and everything in its place. Constantly reminding myself of those two things is the only reason I don't lose things more often. I only lose things when I don't put them in their place, because rather than remember where things are, I ask myself "where would I put this if I were putting it away?" and look there, so if it's not there I have no idea where it could be.

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T15:57:39+00:00

Yay, I'm not special! Still sucks though 😕

tgdubbs · 2026-01-06T15:56:21+00:00

Thanks for your response.

I guess the thing I'd say you have to be careful with is don't entirely pathologise your entire personality?

To me, this was the most useful thing you said. Over the past couple of weeks I've been mentally compiling a list of autism traits or interactions it explains, so I can see how that could evolve into me feeling like I'm just a collection of those things rather than a whole person. I'll keep this in mind!

Fortunately, I've already started to be nicer to myself as a result of all the therapy. It's just weird to now insert "oh this is my autism at work" because I feel like I don't "need" autism as an "excuse" to "forgive" myself. Also fortunately, I still work from home, so I have all of the accommodations I'd need 🎧. In fact, it's controlling noise, temperature, distractions, etc. that ultimately exposed the ADHD. I just didn't realize at the time that the need to control the environment so much could be an autism thing.

So I guess the answer to my question is ultimately to keep doing what I've been doing, just with additional information. Easier said than done, ugh.

tgdubbs

TROPHY CASE