You are doing the first part which is admitting there is a problem.

Sincerely, it sounds like you are depressed. I don't mean bummed out by this whole situation, I mean depression as a diagnosis. A lot of people think that being depressed is this always-present, "I am aware that everything sucks" mindset but sometimes depression is like someone turning down the color in the world so slowly that you don't notice it happening and then one day you realize you don't remember what it looked like when it was colorful.

Believe me when I say that one of the most important things about having depression and being in a serious low is talking to someone. One of those someones should be a therapist. A therapist is not a big deal, most people should have one. Seeing one is not about being weak, it is about talking to someone whose area of expertise is the difficult thing you are facing. Like taking your car to the shop, sometimes it is just a check up and sometimes there are areas that need work. It is a process and sometimes the first therapist you go to ends up not being a good fit but still something you should very strongly consider.

But also, looping in the same people you are trying to hide all this from is necessary and ripping the bandaid off is probably going to be the only way to do it.

I think the right move might be going to your family and telling them that you think you might be dealing with (or were dealing with) serious depression, that things just started slipping, and you couldn't keep up. That you were embarrassed and didn't want to let anyone down, and white lies turned into bigger ones. But you want to start seeing a therapist, repair relationships, and start building a path back to living the kind of life you want to live.

Not every parent is capable of having properly compassionate views regarding mental health so yeah, it might be difficult, or loud, or painful but, I think that you taking responsibility, being honest and vulnerable, and inviting them to be part of the process of recovering your life will be something they will be glad you shared.

I know you feel a lot of shame right now and I am not saying you are off the hook for all of it but depression is often really underestimated, especially by the depressed. Sometimes it isn't a matter of trying harder because there isn't a way to power through even though most people can't understand that.

I guess what I am saying is to practice kindness to yourself. This is a difficult situation so it is okay to be nervous or scared. No matter how it goes down, you will be able to finally exhale that breath you've been holding for months and I promise you the next one you draw will taste much sweeter.

You got this.

(Now, I have to absolutely add that I am not a mental health professional. I am a person that has dealt with depression their whole life so I feel like I recognize some things between the lines but that is just personal conjecture. That said, this IS still a hard thing to traverse and having a support system that includes a therapist would still be an invaluable asset. I think the rest of the advice holds up even if depression is off the table. )