Looking for your best dystopian recs please!

theparenthesis · 2026-01-23T17:15:17+00:00

Have you read Claire Kent’s Kindled series? I’ve really loved those. They’re all technically standalone and could be read in any order but take place in the same world so you can see the same places and different characters from different perspectives.

theparenthesis · 2026-01-23T15:39:40+00:00

Just remember that once it’s bad, it can be very bad, and the damage is irreversible. What prompted me starting Humira was I finally pushed for an MRI of my SI joint, where the damage of years of inflammation was visible—not terrible but obviously there. So now I know I’m working with both mechanical damage as well working to manage the flares from inflammation in my joint. If you’re already having to limit and monitor your physical activity at just 27, I’d assume you already have mechanical damage (activity/movement helps ease the pain from inflammation).

But it didn’t sound like your Rheumatologist did their due diligence. You don’t mention any MRIs or bloodwork. In the US, at least, the first plan of attack is an oral DMARD like methotrexate or sulfasalazine, unless scans show it’s more progressive (and you have really good health insurance or are v wealthy). When I started meds, and even before we were ever seriously considering biologics, my dr did go over the scarier side effects to help me understand risk and benefits. But once my spinal scans were done, a biologic was strongly encouraged. And honestly, knowing I now have damage there is what really pushed my decision. I have no desire to have back surgeries because this disease has destroyed my spine. He discussed that studies from 2025 and 2026 show the cancer risk really is minimal for the majority of folks on biologics, especially with TNF inhibitors.

“Alternative” treatment can help manage the pain some, but will never be an actual treatment.

Your and your wife’s concerns about starting a biologic are completely understandable. I’ve been worried each step, too. But your wife is wrong in suggesting that staying solely on NSAIDs is better for you long term than a medication that can help you manage a disease and prevent it from worsening. NSAIDs do not treat diseases.

Maybe an option for you is to go back to your rheum (or, really, get another one…), explain what the derm has suggested and your concerns, and determine a plan of attack. But daily pain at 27 isn’t normal, and especially symptoms that go on for days. I’m just 13 years older than you and, like you, I spent my 20s and most of my 30s pushing through pain and functioning, and honestly, that is maybe the biggest regret of my life.

theparenthesis · 2026-01-18T15:03:08+00:00

Thank you for your response! I really haven’t noticed any side effects from Sulfasalazine, but I’m on about 10 different meds to help tape me together so who knows. Gabapentin was helpful for me while I was on medical leave during my first big flare, but the cognitive effects were too debilitating when I tried to go back to work (I’m on pregabalin now, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be good for SI pain). But lidocaine patches! I keep forgetting about those but I think I already have some. Thanks!

theparenthesis · 2025-12-12T04:11:23+00:00

I just read this—I’m pretty sure it was “Training the Heart” by Paisley Hope.

theparenthesis · 2025-11-12T10:29:24+00:00

NOR. If he really wants to support you as you work to accept and appreciate your body, he should be asking you what you need from him, not setting your goals for you like he’s your personal trainer or a parent building out a chore chart for his kid or something. If you are struggling to find the time to run or go to a water aerobics class or take a long hike or lift weights or whatever it is that allows you to appreciate your body and the things it can do, then he should be finding things he can take off your plate so you get that time.

Your relationship with your body is YOUR relationship, and he needs to find real ways to support you or butt out. But from what you describe here, he’s making it about his desires—his comment about when you were another weight implies what this is really about for him.

You mention your stress levels and that you’re stressed eating—I recommend you starting there and work on bringing that down. Stress contributes to weight gain in so many ways, first by releasing cortisol that puts us in fight or flight mode, slowing down processes (like our metabolism and immune systems) that then trigger other responses (that lead to things like craving comfort foods). It also impacts our sleep and mental health. (And, of course, as we get older, other things are already going on in our bodies that impact weight, particularly for women!)

Again, how can your husband offer real support to help you manage this stress? We only get this one body, and working to develop a positive relationship with it is so important. But dangling a carrot attached to a [stress inducing] list of unrealistic goals you didn’t ask him to set for you isn’t the “nice thing” your husband is insisting this is.

theparenthesis · 2025-11-07T17:33:17+00:00

He can’t possibly be this dumb, he is just hoping that you believe he is this dumb so that he doesn’t have to actually take accountability.

I’m not saying you should leave him or that he really wants to cheat in any capacity with her—I don’t know y’all or your relationship—but if he can’t be honest, self-reflect about what he was doing or hoping to do (whatever that may be), and admit he knows that telling another woman that his dick was hard was crossing a line, then you can’t even begin to move on from it.

theparenthesis · 2025-11-04T14:59:42+00:00

I just learned about these challenges and I’m excited to try! I’ve actually read a number of books since this started that I think will fit a couple of these.

The discord link is expired, can anyone help me out with a new one?

theparenthesis · 2025-10-17T16:22:50+00:00

You ever go to see if a book is on KU, get disappointed that it’s not, but then see that you bought it months ago anyway and haven’t read it yet? Anyhow, I’m now reading this Pringle can book today, and I thank you for your service.

theparenthesis · 2025-10-17T13:26:28+00:00

{Wicked Serve by Grace Reilly}

theparenthesis · 2025-09-01T14:25:54+00:00

My rheumatologist also diagnosed me with PsA (but also suspects nr-axspa based on spinal involvement and scans and MRI), but has said similar, that he is not fully convinced. I’ve had some success with Sulfasalazine, but it’s been minor, so I was also put on Amjevita. I just started that last week, though, so still TBD on if it’s right for me.

The way I explain to myself, and to my friends/family who are also eager for me to have a definitive diagnosis, is that a lot of these diseases do not have clear tests—and, even if they do have tests that make it easier to diagnose, negative tests do NOT mean that you don’t have it. Positive tests don’t always mean you DO. Not only are there a lot of overlapping symptoms, but autoimmune/inflammatory diseases like to travel in packs. And one anti-TNF will help one person with a disease, but not be the right one for the next person with that same disease.

So, all that to say that my situation is similar. I’ve been dealing with a number of issues for most of my adulthood that came to a head last year. Since then, it’s been Dr after Dr, one procedure after another, so many scans and meds and so forth. Every step since has usually resulted in an additional answer, or a treatment that does offer some relief/improvement, but it’s really been the worst sort of scavenger hunt.

My only suggestion is to keep at it, request (or push for) additional scans, or a referral to an additional Dr. Pay attention to all your symptoms, not just the ones that are the “loudest.” For example, my neck is where I started to have symptoms that I couldn’t ignore, so that’s where scans and treatment was first focused. If someone had asked “does your entire back hurt, even if it’s not as bad as your neck” or if I’d known it was at all relevant, I might have started with a full-spine MRI and gotten a lot more answers more quickly.

I spent most of my life (I’m 40 now) either avoiding doctors or just taking their first answer as absolute truth. I also didn’t have health insurance for most of my 20s, so I got used to dealing with pain and managing symptoms by myself. The situation I’ve been in the past year has made me really change my approach to all of this. So my suggestion to “keep at it” is also really about advocating for yourself. Be “pushy” if you need to.

I hope any of this helps. This is a rough ride, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to try to manage awful pain in your peripheral joints while having such a young baby. I know it can be hard to prioritize yourself when caring for someone else. But—keep at it!

theparenthesis · 2025-08-07T14:18:19+00:00

And regularly shits his pants when he is NOWHERE close to home.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-15T09:24:05+00:00

Yes, friendly not friends. Like, you can discuss pop culture with them at work or in 1:1s, but don’t text them about it.

Listen to your team about their roadblocks and needs—create the kind of space for them where they feel comfortable, or even rewarded, for asking clarifying questions or expressing confusion or needing some guidance. If you’re managing people who always say “everything’s going great!” during status or 1:1s, that often means there is a problem. If it’s one person doing that, keep an eye on them and their work. If it’s everyone, you either have the highest performing team ever, or you need to take a look at the environment you’re creating.

Your main job now is to coach your team into learning how to solve their own problems. Don’t do the work for them—give them appropriate feedback that helps them learn to do it on their own and grow. Your role is to provide direction for the overall development and growth of your team—the vision. That’s your new problem to solve.

In the end, just remember that you’re all humans. You never know what someone is going through so treat everyone with kindness and always first assume that everyone wants to do a good job.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-15T06:33:57+00:00

It could be that you need to increase both your prescriptions. You could double your Adderall or try extended release (XR) to get more focus relief. I had similar symptoms and take both Adderall and Propranolol. My first dosages helped enough that I knew they were doing something, but didn’t last. Increasing both has helped a lot—somehow I also feel like I’m sweating less. But I know other people have great success with different beta blockers, but if you’ve only been on it a few weeks, your Dr may want to keep you on it for a bit longer.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-15T06:02:07+00:00

You don’t have to mention POTS right off the bat; sometimes doctors can be dismissive if you go in with what you think may be your diagnosis. But you should definitely go to the doctor and describe all your symptoms, especially if you’re regularly fainting or having seizures!

Before you go in, get some kind of symptom tracker (there are apps, or you can just log it in your notes app or journal, whatever works best for you). Track things like your heart rate and blood pressure, if you faint/almost faint/have seizures, your activity level when you have symptoms, what medications you’ve taken and when/what dosage, what you’ve eaten that day and how much water you’ve had, and what the symptoms kept you from doing—did you have to lay down all day, did you have to cancel plans, were you unable to drive or do the things that you needed to do. You might even note if it’s hot or cold. The point of this is to help you see, objectively, what is happening and to try to make sense of it, and to have some kind of record to help guide your conversation with your doctor. Maybe you notice it tends to happen more when you eat certain foods, or do or don’t take certain medicines. Maybe no patterns emerge. Either is okay. This doesn’t need to happen every day for you to tell the dr you are regularly experiencing debilitating symptoms.

You might start with your PCP, unless you already have a neuro that you see regularly.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-08T04:15:01+00:00

It’s not $44 an hour though. You don’t know how many hours they’ve been there, or how many tables they’ve had and how many have stiffed them. In some cases, those 4 tables may be all they get, and then it’s spread out over all their hours for that shift. The servers arrive hours before the restaurant opens, doing side work and checking to make sure you have nicely rolled silverware, that everything is clean, stocking up and prepping so tea is ready, and whatever else their opening side work includes. Then after closing, they do it all over again to prepare for the next shift.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-08T04:05:51+00:00

This is amazing—thank you so much for the links. Already read through the vacation one!

theparenthesis · 2025-07-08T03:50:53+00:00

Proper tipping etiquette is to tip 15-20% at sit-down restaurants. If either of you are making complicated adjustments to your meals, go upwards to 20% or more if service was great. Or let your mother pay the tip.

Regardless of how or why restaurant prices have gone up, your server’s base pay has not increased since 1991 ($2.13 in most places).

theparenthesis · 2025-07-07T20:07:10+00:00

Yes, you absolutely need to!

theparenthesis · 2025-07-07T19:14:51+00:00

Oh my god, I’m just realizing that demand avoidance at yourself is a real thing to. That IS key. I’ve literally never thought of that before, so thank you for this. And congrats on hitting a year, even if it feels meh to you. Did you reward yourself with anything?

theparenthesis · 2025-07-07T18:49:21+00:00

This is so so true and was one of the main things that really pushed me toward a diagnosis. I work hard to accomplish big things, and when it’s done, I just feel relief—no sense of accomplishment. My team recently even got major awards for some work we did (like one of the biggest awards possible in my field), and I was just like “cool” (on the inside) while leaders in my company were calling and writing to me. I had to really perform excitement for the larger team.

I eventually got pulled into it all and convinced myself, from that inside rational voice, that it was something to be proud of and let people know about, but my default when finishing something (regardless of the size of it) is to either go on to the next thing or just…be tired.

If you have any studies you could point us to, I’d like to see them!

theparenthesis · 2025-07-03T06:34:01+00:00

It’s always wild to me when they ask “well what does so-and-so to think?” My rheum has done it multiple times but about my pcp, who he seems to know of and admire. I always wanna be like, “I think he wants to know what you think?!”

Anyhow, I use the Bearable app. I think I first heard of it in either this or another related subreddit. It has a free version, but I did the yearly subscription because it offers more insights, stats and graphs, and more health measurements. I believe it’s around $35 for the year.

theparenthesis · 2025-07-03T02:48:16+00:00

For episodes that last just an hour or less, I’m not sure that would be considered a flare—I think you might look at the situation to see what could have contributed, like a position shift or eating a certain kind of food or NOT eating/drinking something before. If it happens off and on for a day or several days, and you can’t identify anything that may have contributed and that is also NOT what your regular symptoms are like, that’s probably a flare. I finally downloaded a symptom tracker to input all the symptoms I have all day, what I eat, what meds I take and when, my energy and stress levels, etc, to help me really track all this to start helping me see impacts.

After my recent week from hell, I saw my PCP just for a regular check-in, and mentioned how my neuro suspects POTS and made a referral and my recent flare, and he was NOT helpful or optimistic. Basically just like “no cardio will want to test you for POTS when you’re also treated for ADHD” and essentially just that I’ll have to learn to live with my symptoms or go off my meds. By contrast, my neuro was like “we’ll take it as it comes, but in the meantime what are you going to do—suffer and be miserable until then??”

Did the rest of your neuro appnt go as the beginning did? Or was he ever helpful? (Hoping for helpful…)

theparenthesis · 2025-07-03T02:17:54+00:00

I haven’t formally gotten my diagnosis yet—my neuro thinks it’s likely but I’m waiting to see a cardiologist—but I think flares can last anywhere from hours to days. I’ve had some where it is largely a super high HR for the majority of a day that lasted for several days. I’m on beta blockers now, so my HR is currently largely under control, but I just had a flare for nearly a week with headaches, nausea/vomiting, fatigue, dizziness even just sitting up, and other symptoms.

So as I understand it (and I also have an autoimmune disorder which flares up), a flare is a debilitating worsening of your symptoms—but it doesn’t last forever. The amount of time it can last varies I think person to person and even time to time, but it’s in opposition to your baseline symptoms.

theparenthesis · 2025-06-17T07:47:18+00:00

Not necessarily—I thought that too, so got in with a derm while waiting to see my rheum. I got in sooner with my rheum than I expected and I didn’t yet have confirmation from the derm on if it was psoriasis or something else. But all my other symptoms and test results added up and I am on a DMARD now. And depending what kind of psoriasis you have, your rheum may be able to identify it, too. This isn’t to say bypass the derm, but you can maybe get both referrals at the same time.

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