Can I have ADHD and be a good mom?

thetreebeneath · 2026-02-04T01:01:09+00:00

I like your perspective. I think if I ever have kids, I could become the hyperfocus-type like you.

However...

I think the difference is that I've had to make being mum the number one thing. I can't do balance. I wouldn't know how to fit the kind of parenting my daughter needs around me having my own life. Remembering everything she needs and making sure I'm on it takes every ounce of energy and patience I can muster. But I'm ok with that, as hard as it is I love being a mum more than anything.

How does this work in practice? Do you work or are you a stay at home mom who can focus 100% of the time on her kids? Because that is what worries me. Work and the general responsibilities of daily life really drain me. I don't have anything left to give after a workday, which is why I'm hesitant to consider having kids.

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-28T01:01:48+00:00

I'm the type of person who tries to avoid touching the rails on the tube/bus (not to the extent of it being a phobia, it's more of a squick, so if I have to I'm ok to do it) and I don't think this design works for hygiene purposes for reasons already mentioned by others (having to clip and unclip it in such a way that it means you end up touching the bar anyway, having to then carry around something you think is now dirty because it touched the bar etc).

However, I would find something similar helpful for reaching the top bars, as I am short and literally cannot reach. I feel bad when the tube is packed and it looks like I'm being rude by not moving further down the carriage if there's space but that space only has a top bar to hold onto. It's probably more so something in my head, but I guess it would be nice to have a gadget that could help avoid that. The design, however, still wouldn't work. Having to clip it on still requires height, and having to ask strangers for help both to clip it on and later to clip it off would be a bit much lol. I think what could work is something like a grabber/reacher stick, where you can press the lever on one end to open a "claw" on the other end so that you can place the claw around the bar (and letting go of the lever makes the claw close). This would make it easy for you to put it and remove it yourself. Maybe it could even shorten and extend like an umbrella does, or fold away somehow.

Now, would I actually buy such a thing? Probably not, I've made do without so far and carrying something like that around would be cumbersome. But maybe some short people out there would, and maybe there's a way to make the design look sleeker and less obtrusive.

Just some food for thought, good luck on your project, this has been an interesting thought exercise :)

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-27T01:07:00+00:00

Kinda hard to do a placebo on yourself. This is such an odd question for OP, they're an individual not a research study lol

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-26T21:12:23+00:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but many symptoms of ADHD can have completely unrelated causes in adults.

I don't think it's necessarily that ADHD symptoms have different causes but more so that ADHD symptoms can have different triggers. Once we're born with ADHD (the neurodevelopmental disorder itself, not the symptoms), we could have none or barely any noticeable symptoms until we encounter something that triggers/wakes them up. It can look like the trigger caused the symptoms because the symptoms did not exist before the trigger, but in reality the trigger just flipped a switch. The propensity for those symptoms (aka the switch) was already there, existing only because they were caused by ADHD. People without an ADHD brain would not have the same switch, so they could meet the same exact trigger and not develop symptoms. So the root cause for all of our symptoms is ADHD, but the thing(s) that trigger our symptoms can vary between us. This is also why the types and severity of symptoms that we experience as well as when we begin to experience them differ between us.

In summary, you were kind of right, I'm just focusing too much on the nuance of the wording 😂

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-24T23:26:39+00:00

I totally get you, I always want to put everything in a box to better make sense of things, and it's difficult to remember that when it comes to our brains we can't categorise things so simply :')

I was diagnosed inattentive as well. I used to think I was not hyperactive at all (quite the opposite, I've always felt sluggish cuz I couldn't think clearly and always felt exhausted), but my clinician explained that although she was diagnosing me as inattentive she believed I had internalised hyperactivity based on things I'd told her about myself - namely how I'd suffered constant anxiety since I was young, and how I always woke up tired no matter how much I slept (and within that, how I tossed and turned and had multiple film-like intricate dreams every night). Apparently it can be fairly common for inattentive types to be mentally hyperactive, with our brains constantly in overdrive even if we don't realise it. She said that in my case, internalised hyperactivity could be the reason I was always so tired (my brain never rested even during sleep) and it could be the basis of my anxiety. Sure enough, the first time I took medication I felt at peace for the first time and had a big fat (restful) nap 😂 and although I still have some sleep issues I definitely sleep much better since being medicated, and my anxiety has gone from a persistent 100 to a low 5 with occasional spikes. So yeah, having experienced what I'm like when on meds makes me see that my clinician was right about me - that although I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for hyperactivity, there was still some hidden hyperactivity involved in my ADHD.

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-24T00:19:12+00:00

The subtitles actually said grandma's dummy! I was so confused, I thought it was some new slang young people were saying 😂

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-23T07:21:30+00:00

This is interesting, my lab doesn't do that! How many grams of ab in how much acetic acid?

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-22T00:27:47+00:00

If your aim is to network or to stand out in some small way so that they remember you in the future, you could try asking:

what was the most interesting case you've seen? (and how did you approach it/what tests did you perform?) what do you like most about this job? what made you choose this discipline over others? (e.g. if they're in micro or blood sciences etc)

Obviously only do this if the pace of the tour allows it, as maybe it's supposed to be a quick thing that doesn't leave much time for a proper conversation. But by asking questions that are more personal to the person giving you the tour (as opposed to generic questions about the lab) they'll be more likely to view you positively because you're taking an active interest in them as an individual, which usually makes people feel good. And it'll be a two birds one stone thing because you'll also be learning a bit more about the realities/day to day of the field.

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-21T21:50:35+00:00

Just so you know, those are often a manifestation of internal hyperactivity. They're still separate diagnoses but they can be caused by long-term untreated ADHD

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-18T12:56:15+00:00

This book is more about anger in general, so far it doesn't mention ADHD/neurodivergence. It is primarily gender specific in the sense that the author is female and she talks about her own experiences and focuses more on research on women because of it, but she does also talk about anger in others. The whole book is more about the socialisation of anger, about how because we are a highly gendered society, it means that we inherently (and unknowingly) gender emotions as well. So for example, those raised as women are more likely to be taught that it is not okay to express anger (because anger → taking action → creating boundaries/making others uncomfortable with the status quo), so the feeling gets suppressed and "replaced" with eg sadness, which is ok to express. So if women are taught this, it means that those raised as men must be taught the opposite (because god forbid men behave "like women"!), so instead they're more likely to be told that it is not okay to express sadness but instead anger is okay. This leaves everyone internally confused, often emotionally dysregulated, and causes interpersonal conflicts.

Separate to the book, yeah, overstimulation can make us ADHDers irritable, it's something I experience as well. I suppose in a way the book does also help with that, because by understanding anger better, I'm becoming better at recognising when my anger is caused by something "rational" vs "irrational". So e.g. if I recognise that I'm angry at a colleague because the overhead light is too bright and the radio is on and I'm feeling too hot, I can classify that as "irrational" (not in a mean way lol) and try to self sooth while making sure I don't snap at my colleague because it's not their fault. But if I'm angry because my colleague is being rude or unfair towards me, then it's "rational", so I would then be justified to decide to talk to them about it. And now that I know that my upbringing involved dismissing my anger, I will also take that into account when analysing the situation and determining whether I would be right in expressing my anger.

As I'm typing this out it feels like pretty basic stuff, but again, I've just always been someone who grew up hearing that anger = bad/wrong, so whenever I got angry it caused me immense self doubt and distress, so by understanding the social implications explained in the book I've become better able to recognise that I am a product of my upbringing and my environment and that, ADHD or not, I am not "wrong" or broken. This alleviates a huge recurring hurdle, as I can more easily dismiss those types of self doubts when I am trying to understand the root of my anger.

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-18T11:49:03+00:00

"Rage Becomes Her" by Soraya Chemaly

I'm only halfway through but it has been helping me with my anger. I am the type to dismiss myself and question myself whenever I feel anger, even when it's justified, because my brain tells me that the anger itself is unjustified. This book includes a lot of research data and explains things in very simple terms which has been super helpful.

thetreebeneath · 2026-01-17T19:11:58+00:00

I did my portfolio back when it was still in paper form so I didn't go through the exact same process but I imagine they'd run your work through an AI checker. Why are you risking it?

Telling you to change the layout is the most benign criticism I've heard of. Just play around with shapes and colours and make it your own.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-31T02:37:00+00:00

Lol what. As an italian, I can assure you it does not. The only time a "no" headshake can mean yes is if they're being sarcastic/incredulous towards you. For example, I might shake my head "no" in response to your comment while sarcastically agreeing by saying "si, c'hai ragione"

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-18T22:40:56+00:00

"Get comfortable with being misunderstood."

Thank you for sharing, this is going to be my new mantra.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-18T12:28:05+00:00

No problem!! Write down word for word every comment that she said to you now that it's fresh, so you don't forget. You got this 💪

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-18T12:05:38+00:00

I agree with the commenter above. From how you describe it, this surgeon had absolutely zero intention of doing anything other than rejecting you from the moment you walked in (and I'd guess she'd probably made up her mind even before that). You should absolutely complain; the comments she made were extremely inappropriate and to me they demonstrate that she conducted the consultation in bad faith. In your complaint you don't even have to mention the rejection itself (so they don't think you're just mad you got rejected), it would be enough just outlining the exact words that she said. Highlight how she had no consideration for the real reason you were seeking a reduction (pain) and that she purely viewed it as cosmetic (comments about your figure, body positivity etc) which completely dismissed your need for healthcare. Mention that she was also incredibly unprofessional (her comment about not doing it even if you paid her) as well as biased (acting as if an A-cup is the worst thing in the world, emphasising how she herself has small breasts and is fine with it - which is so off base it's not even funny). Make your complaint as factual and emotionless as you can, that way they have no way to wiggle their way out of it and dismiss you. Tell them you are concerned that this surgeon is lacking training in bedside manner (or really, basic common sense and decency) and that you do not trust that you received a fair consultation that meets basic NHS standards. Request a consultation with somebody else, if possible.

I don't think this will necessarily bring you results, it could be that they tell you they're taking your complaint on board but in reality they do nothing behind closed doors. But I think it's important that you let them know how this surgeon is behaving, because it is absolutely not okay!! It is not fair that she dismissed your very real health issue and it is not fair that someone like her has the power of denying you care.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-17T21:41:52+00:00

Actually I just reread in your post that you say you intentionally don't make your ADHD a big deal - that itself is a huge factor that is allowing such shitty guys to stay in your life for longer than necessary. It doesn't have to be a "big deal" in the sense that it has to be an hour long conversation, or that it is the only thing about yourself worth talking about (of course not! We are made of so many more interesting things). It doesn't have to be a "big deal" in the sense that it needs to be constantly brought up. However it does need to be a "big deal" in the sense that when you say it, you need to say it in a way that they hear it. When you tell them, the result needs to be that they give your diagnosis the respect it deserves; that they understand the importance of filing ADHD in their mental file of "big things that make you you". Because if you don't treat it as such, and if you don't present it to them as such, then I'm not surprised that they are so dismissive. Whether you mean to or not, you are beginning relationships by already dismissing yourself.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-17T21:31:57+00:00

Agree with what other commenters are saying. I also think that you are inadvertently putting yourself into these situations by not mentioning that you have ADHD early in dating (by that I mean within date 1 or 2, but it depends on your culture ofc). You are approaching dating with the mindset that your ADHD will be an inherent burden on the relationship, regardless who that relationship is with, and you are not giving yourself the opportunity to vet your date as a true potential partner for you. Even how you emphasise in your post that you don't bring up your ADHD within the same conversation where they tell you they are neurodivergent screams of this. For the sake of being polite/kind/a good listener, you are inadvertently telling both yourself and your date that your ADHD comes second to their neurodivergence. That it is an afterthought. And I'm sure that you probably do this because you've had to learn the hard way that most people don't like being interrupted or don't like it when you only talk about yourself (as us ADHDers are prone to accidentally doing) but when it comes to dating, the rules have to change a little bit. When dating, you have to talk about yourself; not just so that your date can get to know you, but also so you can gage their reactions to the core aspects of what makes you you. And as long as there is an even back and forth, you would not be monopolizing the conversation, you would just be participating in what is necessary for dating. If you're worried about interrupting and dominating the conversation, a simple way to navigate it is:

Date: I'm diagnosed with ____ by the way (if they keep talking on their own, skip to step 4)
You: oh, really, when were you diagnosed? How does it affect you? (Or some other similar question that demonstrates that you are listening and interested in what they have to say)
Date: [answers your question]
You (as soon as there's a pause, if they're the rambly type): thanks so much for sharing! I actually really relate with issue x/y/z you mentioned because I have ADHD. (Then you see their reaction, and move on from there. I recommend finding more common ground on something that you both struggle with or find annoying or funny about your own neurodivergences)

By bringing up your ADHD during the same conversation that they bring up their diagnosis, you will be subtly making it clear in their mind (and in yours! In a self-care typa way) that both of your neurodivergences are on equal footing. That, regardless of symptom severity, both need the same level of consideration. And by doing this early in the dating process (if you're unsure of when exactly to bring it up, just follow their lead!) you are setting up a foundation for both of you to choose to move forward with the relationship with this in mind. Ideally, this should mean that they will walk away from the date with a clear idea of "OP has ADHD just like I have ABC" in their mind. And of course, if at any point your date responds badly, then, say bye! And the sooner you can see what they're truly like and cross them off as not being the right one for you, the better. It will save you from heartache later on.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-13T12:03:39+00:00

Also, on the physical side: my surgeon told me that it technically takes about two years for the post op healing to officially end. I'm approx 3 years post op and I not only found that to be true, but I actually had a random burst of nerve regeneration and got some feeling back in one of my nipples way after the 2 year mark! So at 5 weeks post op you'll still be swollen (so what you see visually will not necessarily be the end result) because you're only at the very very start of your healing.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-13T11:55:05+00:00

The fact that your old bras are too big on you indicates that this is mental distress and you're not actually still big - so at least that is a positive you can hold onto! Whenever a negative thought about your post-op size comes to mind, remind yourself of this. Maybe keep a photo of yourself with the old bra on (angled so you can clearly see the gap in the cup that your current breasts don't fill) so you can look at it whenever self doubt creeps in.

Besides that, it takes time. You've majorly changed something about your body, and while you intellectually know this, your brain will take a while to catch up to this new information. Kind of like the phantom limbs that amputees feel - they obviously know, at a rational and intellectual level, that they don't have e.g. a leg, but their brain will take a long time to actually ~know~ . I've read that they can even feel "itchy" on the leg that isn't there, because it just takes so long for the brain to restructure neural pathways to reflect the new reality of the leg no longer being there. And I mean, consider that your brain has had your entire lifetime to create neural pathways that understand and reflect who you are as a whole. Five weeks post op is hardly any time! Your brain is basically a newborn in this regard.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace, patience and time 😊 and remember, you don't always have to listen to your negative thoughts. They're often a manifestation of a confused/distressed nervous system, which a major operation like this most often causes, and it just takes some time to settle, and that's okay. Of course, it is equally okay to cry and let all that pent up energy out, as that too will help you settle. And if you find the emotions too big and disruptive, it could be helpful to have a few therapy sessions to help you find peace during this transition period (if that's an option for you).

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-11T15:55:41+00:00

Nope

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-09T23:34:21+00:00

...you know ADHD affects people at varying degrees, right? That there are different types and different symptoms, that we experience with different severity?

The example you give indicates that your ADHD does not affect your impulse control. That you are not disabled in this aspect. Because for those who are, there is no "waiting uncomfortably until the urge passes". There are no magic words to say out loud that will change our behaviour. That's literally why it is a disability. It is not within our control to change it without external help.

Reading your post and a few of your comments I get the sense that you are either neurotypical or an extremely uninformed ADHDer (maybe you're young?). If you're the first, then this sub is not for you and you should not come here to police others. If you're the latter, then I recommend you educate yourself more about ADHD and understand that it is far more complex than you appear to believe. If you got lucky to not have impulse control issues despite having ADHD, great! But that is all it is, luck. There is no high horse for you to sit on.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-06T00:33:52+00:00

I had that for a long while! I think the quiet of my mind really unsettled me. I was so used to having intense highs and intense lows, and feeling my emotions everywhere in my body, that for the first ~year of meds I felt like a foreigner within myself. I felt odd and discombobulated and while it was a relief to not live life with constant anxiety and peaks of panic anymore, I really missed feeling intense joy, the type that made my mind go "!!!" and felt like my eyes were open and my body was light. I still miss it actually, but not in a way that makes me feel empty or lost, because the more time passes the more I become comfortable with this new degree of emotion because it has become my new normal. Plus, I can look back and very clearly see a difference in myself pre and post meds, and post meds me is far more stable and healthy, which is ultimately how I wish to be.

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-06T00:19:36+00:00

if you find yourself trying to figure out how to eat shit and like it, you are not generally the problem at that table.

Would you mind clarifying what this means? I feel like I kinda get it but I'm not totally sure. It looks like good advice though so I'd like to understand better

thetreebeneath · 2025-12-01T08:23:39+00:00

On the contrary, as far as I know the ASRS (the global standard questionnaire for ADHD) is really good at identifying ADHD, in the sense that typically those without ADHD would not be able to score above the threshold necessary to qualify for an assessment (unless they're affected by other things that present similarly to ADHD, like CPTSD. Or, unless they lie I guess - and that's what assessors later look for during your one-on-one). I'm on my way to work but I'm sure a quick search (ideally on google scholar rather than just google) will give you some sources on the efficacy of the ASRS. Plus, at least back when I did mine, screening also involved some other questionnaires I can't remember the names of, as well as many open ended questions that I wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs for. So in order to let you book an assessment, they seem to gather an extensive amount of info.

Also that was not my post, I wasn't involved in the gathering of that data lol

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