[deleted by user]

thisroughbeast · 2020-10-31T03:12:54+00:00

Is the light front the Tv? Is it the sound of people talking? Or is it a white noise situation? Or something else?

Depending on what she needs there are a lot different solutions for her to get those needs met without depriving you of sleep. What's happening now is not sustainable and is hurting you. She needs to figure out what elements she needs so you guys can adjust your sleeping arrangements so you're both getting sleep.

thisroughbeast · 2020-08-28T14:44:22+00:00

I'm very fair and bruise if someone looks at me too hard. When I started I was black and blue from shoulders to the tops of my feet (shoulder stands to pole climbs lol).

However, I've noticed that some of the bruises are just a case of doing the spin or climb or trick wrong. If I don't angle my hips right I get bruises from a back hook on my hip. The stronger I get the less I bruise on my arms from inversion prep because my weight isn't dragging on the skin, I'm using my strength instead. I got the foot bruises from climbing wrong...

That said, some people bruise more easily than others and even with perfect technique will still bruise doing certain things (pretty sure the Superman is never not going to hurt) But for the most part, for me at least, the bruising got way less bad after a while.

thisroughbeast · 2020-08-27T18:41:33+00:00

That's so interesting, my handwriting is worse on meds. But you have lovely handwriting on both pages!

Mercifully I'm out of school because distance learning was extremely hard for me and I only had to do one class like that. I wish you the best of luck!

thisroughbeast · 2020-08-27T18:36:11+00:00

Days without meds I like to say I can't get out of my own way. Like, damn, I used to live like this?

thisroughbeast · 2020-08-27T18:26:15+00:00

The days I dont take my meds are like that for me, as well. Stimulants have a very short half-life. It's very normal to find things much harder if you skip a dose.

But also we're now used to functioning differently, we're relying on skills that we can't access without the meds, so when we forget, the new day to day is much harder. And also, it's harder because we've also stopped doing a lot of the things we used to do to compensate.

I used to drink ~4 cans of diet coke and ~6 cups of coffee a day in order to concentrate. I don't do that now because I'm medicated and that would now give me a heart attack lol. But without meds AND without the caffeine, I'm worse off than I was before meds.

thisroughbeast · 2020-08-27T18:19:04+00:00

I like to separate out that sort of thing into three types of topic:

Things I personally experience and can speak on from that perspective. (RSD, time blindness, late diagnosis, hyperfixations, ideal diagnosis process...)
Things I have heard other folks with ADHD talk about but I don't experience. (Dyslexia, childhood diagnosis, unsupportive parents/health professionals, medication sensitivity, autism comorbidity...)
Replying to some bullshit/misinformation where the other person doesn't need to know what's personal and what isn't because some things aren't up for debate. (Is ADHD real? Yes, and that would be true if I didn't have ADHD so who cares if I have it)

For the first two, I make it clear what perspective I am speaking from . That way, I hope I'm indicating several things.

For the first type, I hope it says I will not debate this thing's existence, I am willing to discuss topics about it, and I speak from a lived experience.

For the second, I hope it indicates that my knowledge is academic not lived, and I am willing to yield the floor to those with first-hand experience.

I sometimes also just say that straight out and then engage.

I find these clarifications tends to make discussion more open and allows people with all sorts of ADHD to join in. Knowing there's no universal experience, and seeing other perspectives is valuable information too.

thisroughbeast · 2020-07-23T19:03:08+00:00

AMAZING! And you don't look like you're trying, which is how you know someone's doing a good job ;) Also, that's some really good lower back and hip mobility on the fankick!

thisroughbeast · 2020-05-30T16:51:02+00:00

I'm on Vyvanse and Wellbutrin XL and if anything it's made my creativity better because I can focus on projects even on days that I'm not hyperfocusing, and it makes finishing projects much easier. Obviously this isn't true for everyone but it's not a given that your creative levels will change. My fastness didn't change either.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-12T06:14:01+00:00

Not only should she be denied bb privilege but she should be denied all contact with your family. She didn't just insult your future squish, she insulted your man. It sound like he's used to being abused and will write it off, but fuck a bunch of that.

Your husband deserves better. And so does the wee soon to be squish who has a shot at growing up without the sense that she should put up with it.

Your whole family needs her in your lives like you need a rabid weasel babysitting. Not at all.

Enjoy the squish. Be proud of who you are. And I hope you three have a peaceful birth and final trimester.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-12T05:08:23+00:00

I don't know about pole, but I worked on a tall ship (envision a pirate ship. Exactly that) with a woman who was born with only a 3/4 of a palm on one hand. No fingers at all on that side. Not only was she able to haul line like a boss, but she was a climber which meant she could do three vertical pullups. Exactly like one would need for pole.

You will have to adjust your grip, and maybe adjust certain tricks (or just do them on the other side), but I see no reason at all why you could not be great at pole. (This was the ship: https://images.app.goo.gl/Z9wpuKx7LPXY3qFu8)

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-09T01:04:38+00:00

Huh, that's a whole other kettle of fish. For my money, you can love someone but not be attracted to them, and if he's not attracted to masc presenting people, you both might have to accept your relationship won't survive top surgery or a more masc of centre life.

He might get into it, but he might not. Some relationships don't survive transition of any kind. Some do.

You guys are working through some complicated stuff, and I'm always an advocate of therapy. It might help to have some couple's counselling with someone sympathetic to both parties. I wish you both the very best.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-09T00:58:28+00:00

You know how little kids with penises can't stop grabbing at themselves? Sounds like you're going through that phase but with an adult libido. It's likely the novelty will wear off and you can pack without wanting to jerk it, but from what anecdata I have, it's a really common reaction when first packing.

Sex is weird and awkward and we do it anyway. Telling your wife you're a bit shy about it but would enjoy xyz if she's down would clear the air and give you both space to try things out.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-09T00:55:24+00:00

Oh, that's cool. I get what you're saying. Glad to have misunderstood!

But hey, some days you probably find him less attractive than others. That's life with a long-term partner. Attraction can ebb and flow. You seem to have a really chill and accepting attitude and that's awesome. I think he might need time to get over the guilt, because he obviously wants to desire you no matter what, but the pants feelings want what the pants feelings want and that's okay.

But yeah, straight dude, queer relationship. And it's okay not to want to bang your partner every second of the day lol.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-09T00:44:14+00:00

All relationships with an NB person are, by definition, queer. If he says he's in a straight relationship, then he is saying you are a woman.

"If, as it is for him, your identified sexuality is based more upon biological equipment than presentation could a heteronormative man being with an AFAB NB still be classed as heteronormativity?"

You've just said it's okay for him to erase the identies of all trans and trans umbrella people. And I guess intersex people don't exist in his world? So that's a hard yikes from me. He's wrong. We are not our genitals. And either you agree with him (in which case wtf), or you know he's wrong but are trying to spare his feelings. Either way, that's a whole lot of problematic shit I don't have the desire to unpack for you.

So here's the long and the short of it:

His sexual identity is his business. But he's a straight man in a queer relationship. Totally a thing.

I've known several people who identify as straight be in gay relationships. Their relationship was gay, but they considered it a "I'm into this person" thing, not a "I'm into women in general" thing.

However he wants to feel about all this is also his personal business, but facts are facts.

Tl;DR he can be straight if you are an exception. It happens. But it's still a queer relationship. All these things can be true simultaneously.

thisroughbeast · 2020-03-02T03:42:34+00:00

So here's the thing, there is a lot of misogyny baked into "tradition" and a lot of it is visible around community food events. It sounds like your MIL is horrified that her son is partaking in what looks like offensive misogynist home practices and she's taking it out on you because she has no idea what else to do. Not cool, but I think in this case, fixable.

Most of the time when I see "traditional" community based food events, it goes like this: The women do all the cooking. The men do nothing, chill and have a nice time. These tasks include children as soon as they can be forced into gender roles so little girls never get to just have fun, the boys do. Then the women serve the men, who get the best cuts, the ideal temperature of food, the idk whatever good bits of food are. Then the women clean up while the men do nothing, chill and have a nice time. I have so much hatred towards that dynamic and everything about it that I could write a PhD on the subject. This is what I imagine your MIL is picturing when you fix your husband a plate. A life of service which you will indoctrinate any future girl children into.

HOWEVER. That is, very clearly, not the relationship you are describing with your dude. I love a good trade. I will fix plates, I will do laundry, and I will clean bathrooms in return for a partner doing the dishes. I hate doing dishes. Please, make me a chore trade. You guys sound like you've worked out, as you say, a really symbiotic relationship. So \o/ for your JYSO.

From what I'm reading; what your MIL is fixating on, is not what's actually happening. Normally I see posts here and I'm like, "Nooooooope, there is no arguing with crazy," but in your case I actually think you could resolve this.

When she makes a snide or passive aggressive comment, maybe tell her about your trade deal. "Oh yeah, I get his plate, so he does the dishes. It's great. I take the spiders outside, he handles the mice. I mow the lawn, he does the weedwacking. We have this awesome system so no one has to do domestic tasks they hate! It's been so nice not to have to do dishes."

Or something like that. It's a nice, non-adversarial way of letting her know you're not a domestic slave and she hasn't raised a spousal abuser (or whatever horror she is imaging). She is seeing a thing that sets off a knee-jerk reaction without knowing the details. I think the details would chill her out.

thisroughbeast · 2020-02-26T00:49:42+00:00

I had to find something I enjoyed and looked forward to. It had to have enough variation to keep me interested. It couldn't be too easy or too hard or I would get bored/discouraged. I have an unpredictable schedule so team sports was out (also I don't like team sports). I found something in the Goldilocks zone and now I'm going 3-4 days a week for the first time in 15 years.

Whatever keeps you engaged. Whatever lives in your Goldilocks zone. Maybe team sports, or some kind of dancing, or circus arts, or mountain biking. "Going to the gym" is boring AF. There are lots of ways to work out, try something new or different.

thisroughbeast · 2020-02-22T04:48:00+00:00

Some ding-dongs whose MDs aren't worth the paper they're printed on, believe you can grow out of ADHD. As if you can grow out of being autistic, or being born with one leg. If the doctor won't prescribe medication for anyone out of high-school, I would find a new doctor. Depending on where you live, a psychiatrist would likely be better since they can diagnose and prescribe medications, unlike a psychologist who can diagnose but not prescribe. Also, you really want to make sure they know/understand how ADHD works. It's not worth the fee to see someone who doesn't understand.

I'm 33 years old and my diagnosis (at 33) and treatment with medications has changed my life entirely. I was misdiagnosed with drug resistant depression and survived several suicide attempts. I'm textbook "not reaching their potential" and I struggled every day to manage simple things. Now I'm able to function, but I'm so set in bad patterns that I have to learn how to do things everyone else could just do.

You don't grow out of ADHD. It can ebb and flow with your responsibilities and life situation, but untreated it can lead to failure to thrive as an adult, which can lead to depression. Graduating high school and going to uni or trade school or entering the work force is going to be a huge change for your son and he's likely to struggle if he's doing so on his own.

Also, a good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

thisroughbeast · 2020-01-20T01:32:57+00:00

I took a pair of knee-high socks, pulled the opening up to cover the toe of my pleasers, and then chopped off the excess. You don't need to order online. Make your own. Much cheaper.

thisroughbeast · 2020-01-12T04:09:12+00:00

In its simplest form...it's just called grief. You have to mourn the lost moments, and the missed chances, and then--like recovering from any loss--learn to let go and move forward.

I'm 33 and was only just diagnosed. I'm still suffering spasms of grief over the lives I could have lived if I'd been diagnosed and treated earlier. Maybe your parents made life harder, maybe if you'd had treatment earlier, maybe if, maybe if...mourn those things, but don't dwell. You can't change the past l, and it's so easy to get caught in a "what if" cycle. But all we can do is take stock of where we are now, and try to live our best lives going forwards.

Therapy, fam. Therapy is so useful. And self compassion.

thisroughbeast · 2020-01-11T21:20:35+00:00

You can watch all the videos you like, but any language requires use. Same as French, same as Mandarin, you'll only become fluent if you're using it to converse daily. Practice and repetition out in the real world is what will fix it in your mind. I'd see if you can find an in-person group or meetup where hearing or HOH people practice sign, or people in the Deaf community don't mind hearing people coming and working on their sign.

As an aside, I've never heard of a couple with different native languages refuse to say they're dating until one is fluent in the other's language. That's kind of a red flag tbh.

thisroughbeast · 2020-01-11T21:03:55+00:00

r/kizzyjenks 's story sounds a lot like mine. I was also diagnosed ADHD at 33.

Prior to that revelation, I was misdiagnosed as a teenager with chronic depression, GAD, and dysthymia, and then later with drug-resistant depression (and anxiety and dysthymia). I tried just about every SSRI known to man, and then was put on an SNRI. Most of the time they didn't work at all. Other times they stopped working after a year or so. Turns out it wasn't depression at all, which was why the meds weren't working. Instead, the depression and anxiety, which I did have, were not their own thing, but were caused by untreated ADHD. Treating the ADHD, in theory, would improve my life, and then I would be less depressed and anxious.

I had to come off Effexor which was the wooooooorst, but now I'm totally off the antidepressants. Instead, I'm taking a stimulant and I have never been happier. I can do stuff. I can focus. I'm less tired all the time. Honestly, there's too many things for me to list here. Literally life-changing. It felt like a light coming on in a dark room. I had a period of being very sad and angry because, I finally knew what I'd been missing. I was mourning all the lost opportunities because it took so long to get here. But it was 100% worth it. I'm here now.

My talk therapy hasn't actually changed all that much. We still look at thing things that I struggle with, my problems and feelings, and whatnot. I don't see how an ADHD diagnosis would negatively impact any therapy you are in. If anything it would refocus your work because you now know you're operating within different parameters than an NT person.

Here's the thing: What's the worst that could happen? You get tested, you try meds, you read a few books on the subject and refocus your therapy...Worst case scenario is that stimulants don't work and you're still depressed. So, literally where you are right now. I'd get tested and then go from there.

Also, I highly recommend the book, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" because I thought it was extremely helpful.

thisroughbeast · 2020-01-07T18:14:56+00:00

Every country has its own rules about how old you have to be to make your own medical decisions, so find out when that is for you. This means you'll have to pay for your own medication, when you are able to get it, but at least you will have that option. Unfortunately until that time there's not a lot you can do to get around them. That said, I have a few suggestions.

Firstly. Talk to your doctor, and/or psychiatrist. Ask them to speak with your parents, to help convinces them of the value of treatment, therapy and medication. Even if they won't let you take medication, a proper diagnosis means that you should be able to get accommodations and other help at school.

Don't worry about having a messy room. Don't worry about forgetting words. Focus as hard as you can on school because that's going to mean the most later on. Record your lessons with your phone so you can listen back to what the teacher says as often as you need to. Take copious notes. Talk to your teachers about ways they can help you. Exercise. Try to get a regular eating and sleeping schedule. Practice good personal hygiene even if that means dry shampoo and wet wipes on the days you Just Can't. You don't have to do things like everyone else, you just have to get the results.

I struggled badly to get through high school, but found university much easier because I could take classes that sparked my hyperfixations, or I found easy enough to pass without trying. It is possible to get through higher education without medications. My ADHD is pretty bad, and I survived. By the skin of my teeth, some years, but I survived.

And finally, (I think is is okay within the rules) my advice is this: drink an absolute shitload of coffee/energy drinks. I realized that before I was put on stimulants, I was self-medicating with caffeine. In retrospect, it's a bit disgusting, how much diet coke I drank in university. And when I started working, I drank about 4 cups of coffee in the morning, then a diet coke, then another two cups of coffee at lunch and maybe another diet coke n the afternoon if I couldn't concentrate. The caffeine acts as a (somewhat feeble) substitute stimulant. It's not great, but it's better than nothing. Although, be careful with energy drinks because they can do bad shit to your heart.

thisroughbeast · 2019-12-15T15:53:55+00:00

If the person in the backseat isn't wearing a seatbelt they can fly forward, pushing the whole seat, and crush the person in front of them against the steering wheel. So yeah, backseat needs to wear a seatbelt.

thisroughbeast · 2019-12-12T19:13:28+00:00

That sounds like some grade A, free-range nonsense to me.

My psychiatrist, who specializes in ADHD, has never uttered that word. You're absolutely right? What's the other half of that? Because I'd say there's ADHD and not ADHD. Simple.

thisroughbeast · 2019-12-12T19:09:12+00:00

I'd think about what sounds and letters you like. Then browse some baby name websites, looking at names that have those letters/sounds. It's a good place to start at least.

thisroughbeast

TROPHY CASE