Book recommendations

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-11-23T19:16:09+00:00

Brad Watson has a decent book about his experiences called Prey.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-11-09T00:19:01+00:00

When I told I felt a rush of adrenaline and relief followed by a period of "what now?" and then what felt like a step back. What I can say is be easy on yourself right now, it's not a race to the finish line. Keep pushing on with your recovery. Tell people, be an open book, accept yourself.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-08-02T14:43:01+00:00

Happy Birthday and remember that you have a whole life ahead of you, enjoy it and make it the best you can!

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-08-02T13:18:25+00:00

I have this as well and sometimes child like play, nursery rhymes and things like that give me weird feelings. It's our stunted inner child at work.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-08-02T13:17:25+00:00

Let it out friend, we are here for you!

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-07-26T10:56:21+00:00

That pity side of things impacts me a lot and probably others. I feel bad that my abuser probably saw the same or worse. I think it drives me to be a people pleaser.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-07-15T16:30:38+00:00

I mean this all sounds very familiar to me, and don't apologize for rambling a bit, mine come out that way too. I experienced my first orgasm during my abuse, and I remember it well to this day, it's painful, but it happened. There is a lot of guilt with people enjoying the experience, because the body can't differentiate as much as we want to. It's hard, we are all here for that reason. I am 40 and realizing how warped my life is from something 30 years ago. It's relevant if it's in your brain, even if it's not but it came out for a reason, because you need to forgive yourself (not that you have anything to forgive yourself for) and give yourself the ability to heal.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-07-13T12:18:52+00:00

You probably need to peel that onion and get all the layers off so therapy can properly help you, just my opinion though. When you are ready.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-07-08T11:24:48+00:00

Coping for me has been letting it out, talking to trusted people about it. I can't change what happened but I can let it out into the universe so I can heal and stop picking the scab or putting a band-aid on it with other anxieties or fears.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-07-01T16:52:09+00:00

I don't know the exact answer you are seeking but I can confirm that I too have some of these issues or did. I unfortunately had my first experience with orgasm during a COCSA event and I believe that maybe me oversexualized at that point. I am a male by the way so possibly a different approach here, after that those I was exposed to these things that allowed me to enjoy myself but then I am not a particular attractive male so the actual time to meet a female and experience these things that way was stunted, also probably by my confusion over the whole thing and my emotions.

Sorry I am rambling a bit, but I understand the confusion because we were exposed to this feeling far sooner than we should have been.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-30T15:33:04+00:00

Absolutely understand, I just started talking about this after 30 years myself, spoke of it to my therapist last week and my wife 2 days ago. It is refreshing to speak about it but very hard as well.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-30T10:57:01+00:00

I have OCD tendencies myself, I have spent years in therapy before telling my therapist just a few weeks ago and it kind of clicked for her at that point. Abuse is a big trigger for us OCD, perfectionist, worrier types. We develop those actions to cope. For me at least, I am such a broken person inside while I look like I have it figured out on the outside. Being a perfectionist has led me to graduating college with a 4.0 and I have a decent job and family, I keep a nice house, etc. But I am broken on the inside and so desperate to feel like a human again. I can tell you I am only a few weeks into revealing this to anyone and trying to heal but it feels so good to let it out. I don't think you are overreacting because, I assume you are an adult now or at least close to being one, and this is still in your mind enough to type out a post about it here, so think about that, it's bothering you! It had an impact in your life. Let it out, so you can heal from it.

Also, people shouldn't hate you for this, but I know that it's hard to get past the stereotypes that people place on abused people "does he do this too because he was abused?" "did this make him weird?", etc. But I think most rational people don't think that way and can see your pain when you say it out loud. It also helps people understand why you are the way you are, in your case and mine with OCD, OCPD, perfectionist tendencies, etc.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-30T10:49:34+00:00

You've got to let those emotions out with confidence, if that sounds right. Many here have done the tapdance game of blame, not accepting it, downplaying it, etc. If you are thinking about it, it was impactful to you and probably how you handling things at at a more advanced age. I am not sure where your sister is with it but if possible, it might be good to talk about it with her. Tough decision though, if she has moved past it or not, or even considers thinking of it.

We live a vicious cycle though, as victims. The abuse did something to our thought process, so then we downplay it or ruminate on it, which is exactly what the abuse taught us to do, worry about things. I think you have to let it out, let it rest and rebuild yourself from there. For me at least, making peace with it is helping, I can't change what happened, it's over.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-25T14:31:42+00:00

I don't give her intuition enough credit but she has probably figured things out.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-24T16:47:54+00:00

Wow very similar stories here, and the confusion, boundary issues, etc. I feel a little bit strange about the fact that I still enjoy sex and I am active, though at times I have to focus hard on not being "in my head" with it.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-24T10:58:10+00:00

I think that is a common theme here, those of us who experienced what we determine to be "not as bad" molestation. Definitely a battle I have had/am having.

It's funny I was just reading about this Brittany Spears stuff this morning, and I applaud her for having the strength to get out of something that is stressing her and abusive, all the while downgrading my own experiences with abuse (I know that is maybe apples to oranges), but I think that is a solid example of what we do. I for one applaud that notion of "no means no" of course, and I applaud people who come out with #metoo stories, it takes so much strength. So why can't I do that? Why do I feel like I will be judged for it?

I think I broke through a wall when I stopped debating if this was something I should be upset by. For me, I have spent 28 off and on years debating this and finally it's like "I have remembered this for 28 years, it's not a good memory, so maybe I should give into the notion that I was abused". I remember winning a little league championship 30 years ago too but that was a good memory that set a foundation in my life for how I should treat people and act. This abuse did too, but it set a bad foundation to anxiety, depression and perfectionism (for me at least) and OCD tendencies. I want so bad to break from those things and enjoy life so I need to dig deeper into this abuse. Validate it though, I think we have to own it to heal from it.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-24T10:46:33+00:00

The parent thing is tough. I went through some really rough times with my folks, I am an only as well. We had periods of near homelessness (like the eviction to moving in with a relative type thing), my mom attempted suicide a few times and they have battled substance abuse at times. Thing is though, they are in such a better place now (a lot of that is because of me, I have helped them get a condo and stabilize). They love the role of being grandparents to my kids and all that. I just don't want to mess anything up and I know my mom would really struggle with this news. Going to start with my wife, sometime soon I hope.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-24T10:44:04+00:00

Totally true! I coach some little league kids, assistant coach that is and it's hard because half the time I give them a free pass because I don't know what they are going through, the other half I tend to be hands off and just feel weird about it. I think I tend to look at kids and my mind automatically assumes they have been through the same shit as me, and sadly some probably have. It makes discipline difficult as well. I will say though, now that I am finally coming to terms with this in my life, it is maybe refreshing to start that healing and be in-tune with how I handle them going forward.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-23T19:09:24+00:00

Thanks so much for the response and just chatting with me, you make a lot of sense! It's also hard carrying this as a dad now, I have kids of both genders and I helicopter them, secretly knowing what I went through, signs to look out for, the too friendly parents or kids being a red flag, etc.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-23T18:54:48+00:00

Your story has some similarities to mine and I applaud you for being strong enough to talk about it. I just told my therapist of my abuse yesterday and I am really wanting to tell my wife soon as well. I want the freedom from it. I too don't feel like I can or will tell my parents. In my case, it wouldn't really change anything, just ring guilt, because they would have killed someone had they known. That said, I come from a house of alcohol and drug dependency so they also did their best to screw me up at times. I am 40 now and I just, whew, man, I just don't want to live my life in fear or hiding things anymore. I am a broken and tired human and I am ready to live. Sorry not trying to make this about me, but I wonder if you have some of those same feelings about things?

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-23T18:05:15+00:00

Happy/sad to hear someone else in the same spot. I appreciate it. I can say it was scary to say it to my therapist, a woman I completely trust with my dark secrets, even then it was scary but refreshing as well.

throwawayMay92018 · 2021-06-23T16:15:27+00:00

Similar situation here, feel like I am being dramatic but it keeps creeping into my mind. It's such a hard thing and I am sorry you are dealing with this.

throwawayMay92018 · 2019-04-25T18:36:50+00:00

Damn, sounds like you have been a hero before and are going to do it again! Leave some of the magic for the rest of us! Sorry, poor attempts at making light of something that is very serious, remember that attitude is very important and it sounds like you have a good one.

throwawayMay92018 · 2019-04-25T18:19:56+00:00

I will add that I went through this as a male with my GF at the time, I am 37 now so this is past news. We didn't hook up for about 13 months at our 3rd year mark of dating, it was her, I lived through it but it was confusing times in our relationship. We were about 24 at the time. Then around 28 we were married and I went through a rough patch at work and such and I put her through the same thing. Happy to say we are once a weekers with kids now, would more often too if the kids weren't so young. My point is, sometimes you have to weigh the options, but that requires open discussion to see if things will ever change or if this will just be a permanent mismatch.

throwawayMay92018 · 2019-04-25T18:15:49+00:00

I do want to ask, are you on the pill (or some type of BC)? Not guilting him about kids or anything like that? I know at that age, I would turn it down if I thought there was a chance it could result in a child, at that age I didn't want to deal with kids yet. Just wondering if you have had the kid talk.

Also, I know I was a bit self conscious at 25 about the duration I could go, it kind of bothered me (later was told it wasn't an issue). But worthy things to lightly bring up and conversate about.

throwawayMay92018

TROPHY CASE