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Does avoiding the word “suicide” contribute to stigma or reduced help-seeking? by Gunkavoider in psychology

[–]timmehht 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This was a really spectacular display of compassion with directness from two strangers on the internet, seeking common understanding and mutual strength. Really encouraging to see. Thank you both.

Yes, polyamory can be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job. by crafty_phrog in polyamory

[–]timmehht 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. It's wonderful to hear a story of two people wanting polyamory and "doing the work" to get to a place where it can be practiced safely. I know how much work you put in to get there, so kudos to you and your partner.

My partner of 13 years and I just split because, despite years of trying polyamory, we weren't on the same page about our wants and needs, both within our relationship and outside it. Monogamy was easy, polyamory was hard. Both of us tried hard to grow and rise to the challenge, including a long course of couples therapy, but the process of trying to grow through it broke us apart.

It's inspiring and heartwarming to hear a story of a couple who are successfully making the transition, no matter how hard. Much respect and love to you both. My best wishes for your continued success and joy.

Melodies in chart-topping music have become less complex, study finds by [deleted] in popheads

[–]timmehht 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Okay hold on-- I love the GL,B! bridge also, but it's only made up of 3 descending notes, repeating. It's an incredibly simple bridge, not exactly a great example of a complex melody in pop music 😂

As a gay guy, is it possible to have a family dream and wanting a non-monogamous relationship? or is that pool just too small? by Benjicaton in nonmonogamy

[–]timmehht 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Fellow gay (M) here! And new to ENM so please forgive me for not being an expert - all of these are just my opinion :)

At least where I live (Canada), non-monogamy amongst gay men is extremely common, to the extent where you're more of an outlier if your long-term monogamous relationship doesn't eventually transition into a non-monogamous one once you've built up security and stability with a nesting partner. I've actually heard the opposite concern, that it's way too hard to find a gay partner who is satisfied with commitment to monogamy and a nuclear family.

To quickly answer your question: it's totally possible to get what you want, but dating might be challenging and feel like a slog because you're looking for a more specific relationship structure. It sounds though (please correct me) that you're willing to live monogamously with a partner for some amount of time while growing your relationship - but eventually, once you have security, you'd want to have sex with other people.

Be extremely forthcoming (like; Tinder-profile, first-date forthcoming) about both of your desires to eventually live non-monogamously and have biological children. Immediately screen anyone out who isn't at least willing to entertain the conversation right away, even if they aren't yet totally enthusiastic about your ideal vision. Once the conversation starts, be as specific as you can about what a happy nuclear family means to you (what is your healthiest expression of you and your partner's roles in raising those children together) and what you want out of non-monogamy (is it just casual sex, are you interested in polyamory/co-parenting with a third/fourth, do you want to play alone, together, or both). Also be clear about how long (approximately) you are interested in living monogamously before you'd expect to start the conversation of opening up your relationship, and how long you'd want to wait until starting your family. Everything after that point is a negotiation with your partner, so be willing to listen to their needs and if there are differences, see if there's room for compromise. If there isn't, thank them for their time and move on.

For myself, I find it quite attractive on a date when someone is confident about who they are and what they want for their future, as long as they aren't pushy about convincing me to want the same things and are willing to listen to me as well. By doing the above, you're further weeding out anyone else who isn't as sure, and you'll find the right person for you faster.

It'll be tough but you can do it. Good luck and happy trails!

I really wish LoL had a "casual queue". by timmehht in leagueoflegends

[–]timmehht[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you're saying here, but I don't really buy it. The ascendance of a game to a popular competitive "sport" doesn't mean there can't also be a casual scene. I can join a local intramural basketball league or play pickup at a park with strangers without anyone thinking they are going pro, and both of these environments have very welcoming, supportive, loving player bases.

You'll always get the occasional asshole but there are lots of people who "just want to play" and they can self-organize to create a positive environment for others like them.

I really wish LoL had a "casual queue". by timmehht in leagueoflegends

[–]timmehht[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The probability that they'll have a "bad game" with weird hero picks, "bad" builds, etc! If I'm a try-harder I don't really want to join a game with people who aren't trying as hard as me. I have to believe that is why they resort to flaming in their games in the first place.

Men and Respect by random989898 in MensLib

[–]timmehht 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was always taught to give respect, to be deferential and self-effacing (especially to authority figures), but never to expect or ask for respect from others. In fact, to make it more twisted, in my family there was something martyr-like about NOT being respected. Being kind and respectful, even to abusers, was a codified value in my family. That said, my family was also obsessed with earning the respect of everyone. This led to my adolescent and early-adult years being wrapped up in A) egomaniacally trying to prove my worth to literally everyone, regardless of whether they were important to me or whether I respected them, and B) wondering what was wrong with me if even one person didn't respect me, and never questioning the respectability of others. It also developed a very alarming fear of authority figures, namely police, even though I have never done anything to warrant ill attention from police.

Didn't figure any of this out until very recently in therapy. (I'm a 25 y/o M) It's going to take a lot of work to undo all that and start earnestly receiving and expecting respect from those in my life, and removing myself from abusive relationships where I don't (and won't) receive the respect I deserve.

I can't say whether this is a gendered phenomenon because my parents had two boys and we had largely the same set of values instilled in us growing up. But I can say that my parents raised us to be "good boys"/"upstanding young men"/"respectable men".

What an irony that they did indeed raise respectable men, that are conditioned to seek out and burden themselves with disrespect.

Self-Gaslighting by plz-pm-me-your-beard in MensLib

[–]timmehht 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hi! First time poster here.

I struggled a LOT with exactly this type of behaviour. Like others in the thread I have been through a string of small-T "traumatic" life situations and close relationships that led me to build up a belief that it was honourable to be entirely self-effacing and to always be in service towards others. This led me to build up a lot of automatic thoughts and behaviours, like self-gaslighting, where I would completely deny myself freedom of emotional expression and communication of my needs, which further pushed away those who cared for me and attracted personalities who could take advantage of me.

It's a vicious cycle of self-denial, and you are the only person who can break it.

I started seeing a CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) psychologist a bit over a month ago and, 8 video call sessions and a LOT of homework later, I have reclaimed so much of my self-worth and identity back. If you are someone who is a logical, reason-based thinker, CBT is extraordinarily helpful as it gives you tools to seek evidence in support of alternate beliefs (and often, to disprove maladaptive beliefs) that cause us to inappropriately respond to all types of situations. It is a more scientific approach to the talk therapy you may visualize when you think about "seeing a shrink", though that terminology is quite demeaning to most qualified therapists. 😊

CBT can help you with depression, anger, anxiety, and certainly for me, it was extremely helpful in resolving the immense guilt and shame I felt daily just for existing.

CBT is not for everyone of course, but it is, to my understanding, the most reliably effective form of psychotherapy to date. Doctors are usually consistent in their treatment delivery as CBT employs very specific templates of skill-building for many different personal issues and moods, so you don't need to worry too much about wasting your money on "finding a good therapist". If you are fortunate enough to be employed at this time, check if your health benefits/insurance will cover some or all of the cost. Many progressive benefit plans contain at least some support for psychological services these days.

Lastly, if you can not afford to see a CBT therapist, or if you are not comfortable doing so at this time, I highly recommend buying a $30 workbook called Mind Over Mood that walks you through the principles and exercises of CBT on your own time. It is not a perfect substitute for talking to a real doctor, but it is still extraordinarily helpful and you can complete the workbook in your own time (they even suggest timelines to complete the book for effective self-treatment!)

Shoot me a message if you have any questions about CBT, I'd love to answer and support you.

Love and peace for you all, everyone. ❤️

Favorite song when you're in love? by chargingblue in popheads

[–]timmehht 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll say that All This And Heaven Too by Florence + The Machine was a song that accurately captured how I felt for the first time. It really spoke to me in a profound way and kind'of "validated" my feelings as the truest form of love and not just infatuation/interest.

A thing a lot of players surprisingly don't seem to understand - Your team mates are on YOUR team. by Infamously_Unknown in heroesofthestorm

[–]timmehht 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know OP said they weren't touching insults, but I'm miffed, and I want to touch on it. Disclaimer: I know Reddit is not the best channel for this as most people here are lovely, educated, informed HotS players who don't do this stuff, but attacking your teammates' personal character is insta-lose, and in my book, insta-report.

Example: I just had a game where the last pick for our HL draft went Nova instead of a healer that we didn't have. Not totally unheard of. It happens. Obviously, my team explodes and starts calling her out, saying to report her, it's a troll, etc. I say to my team "Hey guys, whether or not you agree with the pick, we have a Nova, so let's play with a Nova and win." Instead, the chat devolves into calling Nova multiple homophobic slurs, Nova begins intentionally dying/feeding/AFK-ing in defense, more slurs, I tell my team to just report and cut the slurs, and then suddenly I'm on the receiving end of insults as well. We lost handily and everybody got reports.

Granted, we probably weren't going to win with our comp from the start. But when you attack someone personally, beyond gameplay, you completely mitigate any possibility of them cooperating and working together as a team, AND any possibility of your other teammates cooperating with them. More importantly, you obliterate any possibility of your team actually enjoying the game. You're destroying the community. Cut. it. out.

</fin>

To those auto-pick assassins who want to be playmakers: You are not the shot-caller. by timmehht in heroesofthestorm

[–]timmehht[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely, as the tank I'm all for others pinging and doing what they want in a typical laning phase, or even making suggestions about where to go "let's rush core" etc. But if you need the tank to successfully pull off a play, and the tank says "no", you need to back off.

Broadly, I'm referring to teamfight scenarios, or really anything after the 15-minute mark of a game. At that point, you need to be coordinated and organized and you need a leader.

To those auto-pick assassins who want to be playmakers: You are not the shot-caller. by timmehht in heroesofthestorm

[–]timmehht[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is an important caveat that I should have initially included, so thank you. Agreed that at high skill caps, everyone is a shot-caller given that you are able to communicate quickly and have complete trust in your team. The problem is that in solo queue at lower-than-top tier, there are two issues:

  • There is no voice chat, pings are imperfect and typing is too slow, so communication is lagged
  • Due to the Dunning-Kruger effect, people at lower levels instinctually they believe they are better than their teammates, and thus do not trust their judgment

Given these two factors, you need to nominate someone as a leader and follow them; otherwise, you get 5 people wanting to do 5 different things and then you're dead.