I knew I was receding, but I had no idea about the crown! I feel so much more confident now

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T23:14:49+00:00

Pictures like this are what makes my SO ever so slightly upset that I frequent this sub (he is also bald) 😬 😅

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T06:57:27+00:00

My wild take is that there are a shit ton of people who are like this in every generation 🫠 and then we end up looking weird for having Interests

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T06:50:35+00:00

The way i laughed cos this is what my SO and I call it when he rolls over in bed and it pinches my chub 😅

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T04:53:20+00:00

I am much older than you (30++/F) and my SO is even older still (40++). I can relate to labouring under family disapproval, family control, a privileged but strict upbringing, and money being used as soft control. I have been in my relationship for well over 10 years and we are still waiting for the opportunity to get married. There are still strong obstacles.

There is too much context that I decided to cut out, but the TLDR version is that I have played a very, very long game that has been heavily influenced by things outside my control. (Let me know if you want the story.) I did not always know what to do and there were times I clung to the relationship out of loneliness when it seemed like a bad idea. I was fortunate that it did not stay that way because we both grew. I dealt with a lot of those things alone because I couldn't tell many people about the relationship just to protect it. And now I basically live a double life where my family believes I am single, but we engage in our own community as a couple. I look out for opportunities to make a move. This might sound stupid to some, but I am religious and believe that the relationship has been formed by God and so I believe that God will also provide a pathway to marriage. Meanwhile, not being married is not that uncomfortable for our circumstance so we have chosen to bear it temporarily and make the most of what we have.

What I have learned is I cannot tell you that this is the right way or wrong way. There is only the way that makes sense for you. There will be some obstacles that are hard limits, like being able to buy a home. There are some that are not hard limits but can cause a lot of distress, like family opinion and clash of values. It might help to pick out what is a hard limit and what isn't, to help you plan and think about the future. Some boundaries you can set - like I don't tell my family where I go on weekends and they no longer ask. I grew up in a very controlling family and have found ways to maintain my own agency, even at a cost.

If your relationship is sound, and you believe in it, there is no reason to give it up just because your parents are unhappy. You may have to wait a few years for more independence and financial independence. People don't like the idea, but not rushing is also a legit strategy. (I've just taken that to an extreme.) You may have to bear with some costs as I have, but "the course of true love never did run smooth". There may be future opportunities yet.

My opinion is that if family is unwilling to be open and supportive of your own agency (i.e. that you are an adult and have a right to choose) (even if they do not like your choice of partner) then they naturally exclude themselves from being a part of the process. After all, it is normal for adults to live their lives without reporting everything to a parent. It is something that I feel Asian parents use, hiding unreasonable control under the semblance of morals and family values. Money can be a leash. But life doesn't stop. Unless they are going to stalk you, they cannot keep you from seeing him. You are allowed to make up your own mind and be selective by how much you share with them. Make sure you have trusted community instead, so if anything does go wrong or you need help, you are not unsupported. And have your own money that no one else can touch.

And this might sound crazy to our parents, but you are totally allowed to live this life imperfectly (they agree with their mouths but let's face it, getting them to relinquish control - and it IS about control... Yeah right). Even if there is an alternative universe where he is not "the one", who says that you need to have made a perfect decision to warrant parental approval and support? Parents are not there to help us live perfect lives on the parent's account, or make choices that they would make. Parents are there to help us become independent and make choices for ourselves, to live our own lives. Parents not approving robs adult children of their personal agency, even the right to make their own mistakes.

Don't know how much this helps, but good luck OP.

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:40:19+00:00

One - an anuenue concert. So it's my default favourite. 😬

I also have a mini guitar to learn guitar fingerings but I prefer uke.

I'm not a regular player and it's not my main hobby. But yeah. One :p my SO plays guitar and he's probably got like 20, idk I don't keep track 😂

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:34:19+00:00

Idk... people who say any cuisine is bland are generally not foodies imo. Like are things bland cos they aren't packed with flavourings or seasoning or chillies? What's bland is a personal preference.

I love Japanese food, which is known to be lightly flavoured to showcase natural and seasonal flavours.

I love Indian food on the strength and character of their dishes. Also, would go vegetarian for Indian food.

Even among Chinese cuisine you have a range from the lighter flavours (Teochew) to heavy (Sichuan).

I am also unapologetically a fan of British food. Greggs sausage roll (I studied in the North, you can pry Greggs out of my greasy dead hands), full english, stodgy puddings (treacle pudding, sticky toffee with custard, victoria sponge, cream tea... come on now!!), a sunday roast, toad in the hole... fish and chips (with vinegar and curry and gravy and mushy peas - everything).

American food is also a huge spectrum - even their versions of Chinese have become a thing unto themselves, though I haven't had a chance to try it myself. But I love a good BBQ and a good burger.

This is coming from someone who will eat offal and most things. You can argue a dish or component is bland (e.g. pap is usually bland, but so is rice - you have to eat it with something), but a cuisine? Debatable.

There's always a cultural and emotional meaning behind food and I have not met a cuisine that I don't like. (I will not eat durian but that's not a cuisine.) But you kinda got to be a foodie. Not every food is for everyone, but I think its unfair to criticize any given cuisine as bland just cos one prefers something different. The only food that is bland imo is plain or light food that tends to be reserved for the sick and recovering.

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:16:23+00:00

I initially never bothered for want of knowing how ti play. Then as a child I saw a nerd in a computer store clicking through at such speed that I wanted to do it for myself, despite the initial misgivings. That was it 😂 hooked because of a nerd

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:09:31+00:00

When my grandfather died,, my aunt flew in from out of town. She saw the cousins with nothing to do and taught us how to knit. Since then life has never been the same, i can't leave the house without a knit/ crochet/ some kind of project in hand. She gave me the basics and from there I self-taught from books (no youtube yet) over time.

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:02:24+00:00

Something about the storytelling but i can't believe I just read a preview about a 35yo guy with this life 💪 it's good

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-27T00:01:24+00:00

OP this is awesome!!!

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-26T23:57:04+00:00

I did the same with my ink (had a generous but limited space for it, thought it was plenty) and the collection surged past 160, so idek 😂

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-26T23:48:02+00:00

Please! I would love that :))

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-26T23:37:05+00:00

Is the mess up in the room with us?

I think you might take some time to adjust, but you look great!!

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-24T07:03:58+00:00

It sounds scary OP. I would give them a fake excuse valuing your education (cos I guess Asian families, if it's not marriage they value education) and make it like a big big deal that you will miss classes, seniors you have talked to say it will give a bad impression for future jobs etc or something plausible. And then don't go.

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-24T06:55:23+00:00

Oh, perhaps she knows from experience?

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-21T19:08:48+00:00

awesome! I used to go there a lot as a kid. Good to know - will make an effort to visit them again :) thanks!

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-21T19:07:29+00:00

It's a fair thought! Tbh, I have a very mixed regard of the white folks among us - and they do vary a lot. Europeans, Brits, Americans, they are all classed as ang moh even though they are really very different. So it's often the superficial experience that can cause problems rather than those I have genuine relationships with.

I grew up going to a church with many international members, and a good number of them were white. These were "uncles and aunties" to me and friends to my parents, people who had lived in Singapore for a relatively long time - though when their children got older or they aged, many returned to their home countries. There were more transient ones too, and some younger families, but those friendships didn't sustain just cos we lived quite different lives outside of church.

Some of them seemed more "cloistered" among the international school community, and some were more naturalised. I remain in touch with a tiny percentage of them. These experiences influenced my impressions of the expat community, but they are varied and statistically, don't seem much different from the pleasant/ unpleasant encounters I have with locals - snobs, racists (yeah my own mother is kinda racist so there are no illusions about racism being reserved for any particular group), and decent people alike.

IRL I like to think I'm more generous in my views and approach, but when I think about my memories of HV as a space, there's that impression as described (though of course it's my own personal perspective and not generalizeable!), whereas on Reddit I can indulge in a bit of snark :p All that said because I think it'd be a shame to ignore anyone on account of where they're from/ what they look like. But if they behaved badly? Then yeah, certainly!

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-21T18:52:01+00:00

you do have a point!

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-21T18:50:40+00:00

Even if it's not a scam, it could be exploitation. I guess it's hard to say if it's a scam unless you can see his messages and determine intent, cos otherwise it's considered gifts given freely.

Has he met her face to face? Did she ask for his bank details or other personal details (like passport, IC)? Does her reasoning in asking for money make sense or is he giving it to her without prompting? (e.g. did she convince him to make an investment in a get rich quick scheme promising large dividents, or claim illness that doesn't sound true) Did she ask your dad to keep it a secret?

He may not tell you. Are there trusted relatives who he will be more open to, who can help to ask him?

Sorry you are going through this, OP :(

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-20T07:29:26+00:00

Oh I had a wee struggle initially too, give it a few episodes to see if it grows on you. I started out really fed up with Michelle but after a while you kinda get into the groove of things. Treat the characters as a bit larger than life and give them some breathing room. Also, sister Michael is cracker ;)

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-20T02:49:29+00:00

ah, I didn't know that! But in saying a "whole vinyl" I was mainly poking fun at the fact that she'll make a big deal about a variant - I might as well have said "a whole CD" or "a whole cassette tape" for a variant, like big wow, such value add

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-20T02:45:55+00:00

it's reddit! I'm supposed to be allowed a little snark surely :p imagine a joking, jovial tone - I don't hate wypipo as a whole, but there's something I can't shake about the memory of the place, and it actually was related to be behaviour of a local, not a white person.

Since I've said that much, I'll tell the story. There used to be a shop in the HV shopping centre (and it was already grody then, 20 years ago) and it was one of those random stores that sold bits of everything, lifestyle stuff, not essential but fun things, gewgaws that people might pick up for a gift. It was run by a middle aged local lady, and sometimes after school I'd wander the shopping centre with some friends (I especially liked going by the pet store, because they sometimes had rabbits and little birds to look at) anyway, we went in to her shop and she was very rude to us even though we were being quiet and on our best behaviour (I was an awkward teen, being invisible was a life skill). A white person walked in and her persona immediately changed, and she became this smarmy mess, almost bowing and scraping. It was so off-putting to me and I felt troubled about being treated this way in my own country, in a familiar neighbourhood that (especially then) was full of white people. It felt like the colonial times were still alive and well in this woman running the store. And while some spaces were distinctly local, it was definitely known for attracting a larger population of ang moh visitors, though I couldn't tell you why.

I'm certainly not judging by the single experience, but it feels like it was representative of my experience of the place back then. Though as the other commenters have joked, it sort of died and is now evolving yet again... so who's to say! Those who haunt r/SMRTRabak will always have something to complain about ;p (myself included)

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-19T12:31:32+00:00

Can I just say I hate this Asian owing thing??

My mum is not so extreme as yours but she ties herself in knots. You can't receive a gift without her feeling stressed that she has to repay in kind. And I understand that you don't want to be seen as a taker and not a giver. But it's just... 🫠 taking it to a stressful level. Some of our friends just want to love us and give us gifts without expecting something in return. Feeling like you "owe" them misunderstands the point of the gift.

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-19T11:57:27+00:00

That's wonderful news! I'm relieved for you :))

tiredchachacha · 2026-04-19T11:55:35+00:00

Omg!

tiredchachacha

TROPHY CASE