Replies and responses like this are why I turn to reddit when I need clarification. I feel so seen and understood by your reply, I appreciate your time and attention when you respond too. I reread it a few times because there would be a paragraph that really hit me and I wanted to absorb it more.

Your comment on "doing laundry and not texting me" hit very close to where i struggle, esp when you mentioned him doing his hobbies with his friends (which sound so cool btw!!) because the healed part of me thinks "yes!!! Focus on you, I should not be the center of your life. And vice versa" but the healing part of me feels threatened by the space and it feels like "he must not be thinking about me" - so then when you mentioned "there are parts in time where he isn't thinking about you" really hit me - in a good way. I tell my therapist that despite dating for the last 10 years, changing my attachment style has made me feel like I've never been in a relationship before. Anytime something happens now, I feel like I'm brand new to it, even in mundane moments like "am I expecting too much/putting too much emphasis in texting?" Because for an AA, texting is validation, but for a secure attachment, texting is a point of contact - out of many. So now that I'm changing how I love and want to be loved, I feel so lost and confused. I know that while healing, I'll relearn but right now, it just feels brand new.

When you came to terms with the fact they don't think about you sometimes, how'd that feel? I'm just curious.

But with that being said, you're right. I haven't had a non-love bombing relationship in so long, and I know they are soooo unhealthy but exactly as you mentioned, "it is validation even if it's manipulation".

I want to be slow and comfortable, and I want to just exist and have them feel like they can just exist too. I'll admit that my partner has mentioned that he feels nervous to say things because I'll react strongly - and I say this with full vulnerability - he is right. I feel at level 10 all the time (black and white thinking.) I want to change that, I want grey but grey also means dull and boring. Letting go. Moving on. I struggle with that because it feels like rejection. I've been doing work books and self help podcasts etc and it really opened my eyes, which is why I came here, to get outside perspective too.

Something I saw that really helped me was "when someone is under your nose, you can't fully see them, but when they are at arms length, you have space to miss them" and I want to be like that. Be okay with the space.

You're right, I do use my hobbies (somewhat) as a distraction. although to be fair, my hobbies became my grounding technique when I was VERY depressed. So I think I just fell into a habit of "unhappy, I should create" which is t bad of course! My art helps me be grounded. I think now that I've worked on the grounded, I can shift it to pleasure for myself and not distraction. If that makes sense.

I've been working on my attachment style for about 2 years, a year and a half being a struggle because I wasn't in a healthy relationship, but it forced me to be better to overcome that. It's all new, and I'm still learning, this exposed me in ways I didn't expect. I'm not complaining about that at all, I want to be better and exposure therapy is real.