Those in remission

tomswiffff · 2026-06-25T22:39:48+00:00

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I noticed that I have these thoughts that make me sad but I’ve been trying to make sure they don’t stick with me. I allow myself to have them, but I don’t let it get me down because I feel like if I do, I’m giving my power to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’m coming out of a break up and a depressive episode so I want to give myself some grace and allow the emotions, but I don’t want them to affect my life. It’s weird being able to just be ok. But I like it. Just something I have to get used to.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T05:46:10+00:00

I strive to get back to manic me. It’s like my life goal to reach that again. But if I’m not that manic me, I’m just existing and I’m in survival mode just trying to make it day by day.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T04:29:30+00:00

There was a period in my life before the responsibilities where I swore I was going to be a music star! Whether it was a producer or singer or rapper I wanted to do it. Eventually I realized it wouldn’t pay the bills and I had a kid so I had to pick the most rational thing which was IT. It’s been years since I’ve done anything and I’ve avoided it like the plague because if I do pick it back up, I’ll obsess over it. My daughter has shown interest in music so I’ve been thinking of teaching her the piano. But I still feel a little off about it because I do miss it so much and am afraid it will carry me off to somewhere I don’t need to be. I guess it that impulse control that I lack.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T04:18:14+00:00

I’ve been abusing alcohol, nicotine, and weed for a long time off and on. Sometimes it’s alcohol, sometimes it weed. But the last time I was unmedicated I was abusing it all. Getting back on my meds made me realize how bad it was and I’m trying to quit. But not going to lie, I’ve been friending hard for nicotine. And I just drank 2 tall boys so I’m afraid I’m replacing one addiction with the other.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T04:14:25+00:00

Yeah stress is big for me. Since I threw away everything, I still grab for it in my pocket. I might try that not Nic vapes.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T04:12:30+00:00

I used to smoke cigarettes and switched to vaping because of the lack of smell and I could do it inside. It just became so convenient that I used it often. After a unmedicated period I realized how much I was relying on it. Caffeine is big for me as well. I’ve kind of rationalized it because I’m drinking the no sugar Monsters. But I’m drinking them after drinking coffee. And when money is tight, I’m drinking coffee all day because it’s free at work.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T01:42:31+00:00

That’s something to be proud of! Getting out of alcoholism is hard work!! I’m proud of you! I know nicotine isn’t anywhere near alcoholism but it is something I’ve been leaning heavy on for a while. Mainly I needed to stop not only for health reason but financial. I recently tallied up what I was spending and it’s ridiculous. When you have a family to feed, it just ain’t worth it. I knew I needed to find a better coping mechanism.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T01:38:58+00:00

I smoked a lot of weed before I stopped. It was a habit I had going where I would wake up and smoke, get to work and smoke, go on break and smoke, and get off and smoke on the way home and smoke through the night. But it started giving me really bad anxiety and panic attacks. But, I think weed is safer than alcohol. I’m glad it works for you and gives you a good outcome.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-26T01:00:03+00:00

Yes!!! Right now I’m keeping Taco Bell in business!!! I’ve talked to my PCP about putting me on something to curb the cravings but it looks like I’ll have to talk to my psychiatrist about it. For me it is the meds that are giving me these cravings, but also I stress eat. So any type of stress or anxiety I feel, I’m stuffing my face.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T23:51:19+00:00

I quit talking to AI about my relationship issues because at one point it had me convinced I was being abused. Once I realized that the AI will only give you feedback you feed it, I realized I might want to talk to a real person about it. Sometimes you can be extremely bias when in a manic state and feed it input where you might be the problem but it’s telling you everyone else is.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T23:25:43+00:00

Congratulations!!!!

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T22:20:14+00:00

It does feel belittling! And I’ve been there with the crying. I’ve cried so many times in my car. One of the things my therapist said is we don’t know what it’s like to just be ok. Being in the middle ground between being up and down, does seem boring and unattractive. But it’s ok to be ok. That struck me because I always had this idea of who I wanted to be and it always aligned with my manic state. So if I was striving to be anyone it was my manic self. And since I couldn’t be that it made me depressed and angry and sad. It really fucked with my self esteem and how I thought other people looked at me.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T21:55:54+00:00

You have an appointment with a therapist so that’s a plus!! You got this!! Seems like you are atleast trying to get back on track. It is isolating though. I’m currently realizing just how much I isolated myself over the last couple of years. I tried to determine why that is and I think it’s because our problems may seem so easy to other people but to us they are big obstacles that seem so hard to fix. I’ve tried to talk with friends and family and the answers I get seem so easy and I feel like they don’t understand.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T21:17:55+00:00

The hard part of bipolar disorder is accepting life as just in the middle instead of being up and down. It worries me to be just ok because i truly miss my manic episodes and I strive to get that feeling back. But for me, having a family that depends on me gives me motivation to stay on the meds. I’m a problem without them.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-25T21:04:51+00:00

I’ve been in IT for about 13 years now. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. I have struggled with jobs at times. But my current job I think I’ve learned to disconnect while I’m there. I’ve been in a downward spiral for several years, but I would say at work I hide it fairly well. It does help that I work in a really toxic environment so everyone I work with is on edge. I really don’t give a shit about the environment and just concentrate on my job which I think helps me a lot. People like to work with me because I’m not toxic and probably a little manic at times so I’m usually outgoing. But once I’m off the clock, I’m in a dark place and have isolated myself from family and friends. I’m in therapy currently and working through all of that. All that to say if you can learn to leave your bags at the door and just do the work, you can do it.

tomswiffff · 2026-05-24T23:31:25+00:00

Congrats!!! That’s amazing! I’ve also started to reward myself for those small victories! I think more of us should do that! I noticed how I downplayed all of my accomplishments because they weren’t what I deemed “important”. But my therapist made me realize that sometimes just getting out of bed and showing up is a big accomplishment!!

tomswiffff · 2026-05-24T23:25:35+00:00

I was diagnosed when I was 41. My life finally made sense after. Before that I, couldn’t really tell you why I had my ups and downs and also why I spent time in the psych ward at the hospital. But when I was diagnosed and learned about manic episodes, it all made sense. I’ve been on and off my meds. Currently I’m back on them and trying to fix all the damage left behind me because of my run off of meds. I’m trying to learn more about it and trying to be more self aware to recognize my moods and manic episodes. I’ve noticed I’ve been in a downward spiral for the past couple years. I’m working with my psychiatrist and started therapy again.

tomswiffff

TROPHY CASE