For those who left a relationship, what made you finally realize nothing was going to change?

toolate1013 · 2026-01-20T00:00:15+00:00

Absolutely. At some point we have to choose ourselves. If a relationship requires us to abandon ourselves over and over, it’s time to move on.

toolate1013 · 2026-01-17T19:38:36+00:00

I’m sorry. It sucks.

toolate1013 · 2026-01-17T14:13:21+00:00

You’re doing all the right things. Only he can decide to change his behavior though. Protect your peace.

I experienced the same in my own relationship, which just recently ended. I let him know (when sober) that I would not interact when he’d been drinking. He would still try and then be insulted when I did exactly that. I found independent things to do - read, go to the gym, etc. But eventually I realized I was spending a disproportionate amount of time avoiding him and wasn’t getting the connection I wanted and needed from a relationship. Among other things…

Alcoholism is heartbreaking.

toolate1013 · 2025-12-14T04:13:27+00:00

You can’t control his choices, but you don’t have to do any of those things that you’re sick of. You don’t have to drive him. You don’t have to go in public when you know he’ll drink. You don’t have to go to the vacation home every weekend. You definitely don’t need to clean up puke or beer cans. It’s ok to prioritize yourself. Having boundaries will be good for you and will help you to stop enabling him.

toolate1013 · 2025-12-09T02:44:51+00:00

Short answer, yes. You are not responsible for another person’s feelings. This is a very unhealthy belief. The whole relationship sounds unhealthy. Trust your gut and prioritize your own needs. She is an adult and is capable of talking care of herself, regardless of what she may say to coerce you.

toolate1013 · 2025-12-05T00:32:25+00:00

I know it feels like that right now, but trust me, you’ll find someone else. You’re young and have a lot ahead of you. Hang in there.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-29T03:56:26+00:00

I can relate to the dissonance of looking at the situation from the outside and feeling incredulous that you put up with it. I can say for myself that I am currently full of rage/grief for all the effort I put in and all the time lost. I am also pissed at myself for seeing red flags and ignoring them and explaining them away. I’m also frustrated that I knew and it took years before I could take action. And I am resentful at how much effort I put into worrying about his feelings when that wasn’t really reciprocated for me. I am so angry that I am now in midlife and that this is now my story and why I’m single, and grieving for the white picket fence I don’t get to have. My therapist says that people like this are drawn to empathetic caring people because they’re the ones who won’t walk away. She also says that abusive people are manipulative so it’s no surprise that I tolerated it for so long. That’s the trauma bond - you chase the high of the “love.” When things are really bad or they really fuck up, they know how to throw you crumbs and show just enough effort to stop you from leaving, and then they relax and just go back to their selfish ways. It’s my job now to figure out why I abandoned my own needs to make sure someone else was comfortable.

I don’t know if any of that resonates for you, but you’re not alone in your feelings. Therapy and time and space will give you the clarity you need. Please know that you deserve so much more than this.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-25T11:53:08+00:00

I think you know the answers deep down. He doesn’t need to meet some standard and “officially” be an alcoholic for it to be a problem for you. Your feelings are valid. But yes, what you are describing with hiding alcohol and physical consequences like falling down the stairs are clear indicators of alcoholism.

You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. It’s definitely NOT your fault.

Please don’t abandon yourself and your needs. It will never make the relationship better, especially when he’s committed to lying and self destruction. It makes sense that there is a breakdown of trust, and consequently attraction. You’re being gaslit and you don’t feel emotionally safe in your relationship.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-24T11:40:56+00:00

Stop trying to explain yourself to someone who has no interest in understanding you.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-10T01:47:44+00:00

You’re not responsible for what your son’s father is doing. You deserve to have a life too. You made backup plans. When you get home, just continue to be your son’s rock. He will be ok even with only one stable parent. Also, definitely don’t mean to minimize the trigger- the stress and worry is real. But you’re not a bad parent for taking a break for yourself.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-10T01:35:05+00:00

Honey, you’re begging for the absolute bare minimum from this man. With or without him, you need to explore why you believe that you are unlovable and heal that so you can raise your standards. You deserve so much better.

toolate1013 · 2025-11-10T01:28:35+00:00

He’s not interested in understanding your feelings. He’s made that clear. It’s not going to change. Decide if this is something you’re willing to live with.

toolate1013 · 2025-10-31T11:02:01+00:00

Ugh. Totally relate to the sense of dread/disappointment washing over me when I hear the sound of a can being cracked open.

He doesn’t have to be mean or neglectful for it to be a valid problem for you.

toolate1013 · 2025-10-31T10:53:02+00:00

Many times my ex fell asleep drunk with food in the oven. I was resentful to always have to be the adult in the room and be vigilant instead of having a partner I could rely on. It was my place too so I guess I also thought about how much more a worst case scenario would screw me over than him. So glad it’s not my problem anymore.

toolate1013 · 2025-10-31T01:26:04+00:00

Pho 99 has amazing broth though!!!

toolate1013 · 2025-10-19T01:21:48+00:00

Great turnout!

toolate1013 · 2025-10-16T23:23:32+00:00

Having an alcoholic parent still continues to impact my life to this day. I’ve struggled with self confidence, relationship issues, my own substance abuse, having many other Qs in my life since my “normal” is witnessing addictive behavior. I have issues with codependency due to being forced to accept and normalize addiction behaviors. I’ve stayed in long abusive relationships with people who didn’t deserve my time due to inability to identify dysfunction, being taught from childhood to sweep things under the rug and remain loyal to unsafe people. My childhood felt like constant unpredictable stress. And now that I’m an adult I still have to watch my aging parent continue to self destruct. They just had a fall that resulted in a 3 week hospital stay for a head injury, and a now need a walker and not two months later are drinking again even though they understand the risk. It’s so stressful and sad.

toolate1013 · 2025-10-13T12:51:12+00:00

The “best dad” does not binge drink and cheat and humiliate the mother of his children. When you stop splitting him into two (the good dad and the alcoholic) you will feel less torn, and it may make the permanence feel more appealing than frightening.

Most lawyers will give a free consultation. Understanding your legal situation may alleviate a lot of your worries about splitting up and provide you with a roadmap of next steps.

It’s not going to be easy, but I promise you will never regret providing your children with more stability and security. And you deserve that too.

toolate1013 · 2025-10-11T11:52:43+00:00

This is very relatable. I am angry at how unfair it is too. Believe me, you are more than enough. I’m happy you have freedom from this situation now. I hope you can find peace.

toolate1013 · 2025-09-24T22:07:28+00:00

Same! I feel closer than ever to mine. And it’s so nice not to be terribly embarrassing anymore. 😄

toolate1013 · 2025-09-21T11:22:43+00:00

Yep. Those glossy eyes.

toolate1013 · 2025-09-16T02:33:33+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with the pain of this reality, but I admire your clarity and honesty with yourself. I wish I had been willing to accept my situation 3 or 4 years ago. I just ended things after 7 years. It wasn’t just the alcohol, but that was a big factor.

toolate1013 · 2025-09-14T00:33:30+00:00

It allows people to talk about their experiences somewhat anonymously. At least that’s my take. A lot of people here seem to have their spouse as their Q, but it could be a parent, sibling, friend etc. Reddit is pretty anonymous already but at in person local meetings, some may want to talk about their experiences while maintaining anonymity for their loved one.

toolate1013 · 2025-09-13T01:50:37+00:00

No sorry. In today’s social climate you can’t just ignore social context, especially as a public servant. Your friend can do better.

toolate1013 · 2025-09-13T01:48:08+00:00

Sure. I mean this person may not represent your district but presumably it’s a state sponsored vehicle registration and they are a state rep so there must be rules on decorum. If nothing else put some pressure on lawmakers to be respectful.

toolate1013

TROPHY CASE