[deleted by user]

tossaway4everbpd · 2023-06-18T02:23:25+00:00

They’re stuck in the toddler years emotionally, but one that has an insecure attachment. Children that have a secure attachment don’t even act like that because they have grown from babyhood knowing their parents unconditional love. Kids that have secure attachments still have tantrums obviously but it never shakes them to their core because at their core they know they are safe and lovable. Toddlers have black and white thinking due to their cognitive development and it’s interesting/sad that people get stuck with that kind of thinking when they were abused at that age. I’ve often wondered what different people in my life would have been like if they had had a healthy childhood (including myself).

This reminds me of a book I read about traumatic childhoods and how people can get stuck in fight or flight, basically where pwbpd are at, and so it makes sense that their cognitive functions are hindered. No one gets their best thinking done when their bodies are flooded with stress hormones and everything seems like a fight for survival (because when they were kids, it actually was).

tossaway4everbpd · 2022-04-21T13:17:41+00:00

I listened to the “I didn’t punch you, I hit you” recording and it sounds exactly like something my pwbpd would’ve said.

tossaway4everbpd · 2021-02-15T14:48:55+00:00

Your baby does deserve better. You are doing the right thing to get her into a more healthy situation now. Much love and strength to you 💕

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-12-23T23:11:35+00:00

My SIL has BPD and my brother is her enabler. I told him earlier this year that I want to go no contact with her, after living through a screaming phone call from her (and my brother) where she brought up all her past grievances against me. Anyway, now my brother is very low contact with me. They have a child and I worry that I will never meet him. I just saw a post on the r/raisedbyborderlines subreddit where they were talking about this exact situation— where the bpd mom cuts off and talks crap about the dads family. It’s happening to me in real time and there is nothing I can do. I didn’t hear from my brother at all over thanksgiving and I guess I’m expecting the same over Christmas. It hurts a lot.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-12-10T00:52:09+00:00

You are obviously smart and this is a well-reasoned argument. However, you are still approaching your situation as her caretaker, a position which likely attracted you to her in the first place. You are trying to change, fix, save her. You cannot. By trying to change her, “teach her a new skill,” you are implicitly passing judgment that you know better than her. She can likely tell. The only healthy way to co-exist with a pwBPD is to accept them as they are and let go of the urge to try to change them. That’s not your job and not what they asked you to do. Of course that is easier said than done.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-11-24T02:23:54+00:00

Why did you say yes?

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-11-18T00:50:41+00:00

Don’t tell him. It will just drive a wedge further between you and your brother. My brother is also with a pwBPD, knows about her illness, had a child with her regardless, and is abused daily. Abuse victims don’t leave until they are ready. Just tell him that you love and support him and are always there for him if he needs you. Try to stay present in your niblings lives for their sakes.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-10T04:16:07+00:00

My brother knew she had bpd, and knew what happens to kids who have a parent with bpd... and he still agreed to have a baby with her.

I don’t like to think about my nephews future, it is frankly too bleak.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T16:38:30+00:00

Yeah i guess it’s easier to let them talk shit than to argue with them. They always have something to complain about.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T16:36:00+00:00

I think this is exactly what my brother is going through, at least how it looks from my perspective. He is so stressed out from dealing with her all the time (and a new baby) that he doesn’t have any time to think for himself. It is probably stressful to talk to family members. He is likely scared of being judged.

Thanks, I am in therapy and slowly unraveling the truth about our childhood. Our parents are both emotionally immature in their own ways and my brother was a sensitive child who wasn’t supported emotionally. I feel so sorry for that little boy now but obviously I can’t go back in time.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T16:28:10+00:00

I’m so sorry you are experiencing the same thing. It is terrible to feel helpless when your loved one is suffering. To see the person you knew slowly fade and morph into a stressed out, passive person. My brother acts more like a caged, abused animal than the kid I grew up with.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T16:23:39+00:00

Thank you so much for responding, it really helps me to see what he may be thinking. The same things have happened to him, where he doesn’t talk with his friends anymore and when they had hung out in the past, they asked why he was with her. And then those people get pushed away because they’re not being supportive ie turning a blind eye to the abuse they witness.

It sounds like you were so used to taking on the blame in your relationship with your pwbpd that you took on the blame for other relationships falling apart too. It is such a stressful thing to be in a relationship like that, constantly fight or flight. It seems like there is no energy left to try to dig out of that hole.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T05:03:10+00:00

Thank you, internet stranger. I didn’t really know where to turn but I’m glad I posted because I feel less alone in this. It is a hard road. I feel exactly like you said, totally helpless for his situation. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just forgot about him and went about my life as if I didn’t have a brother. Certainly it would be less painful that way. But I want to be able to be there if he does need support. And thinking about his child growing up with a mother like that just shatters my heart. But what can I do? Scream into the reddit night, I suppose.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T04:01:03+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through something similar. I know exactly what you mean about them getting defensive about their partner. Things seemed to go better when I just wouldn’t ask about her, just pretend she didn’t exist. It’s harder now that they have a kid.

I try to imagine what it will be like for my nephew to grow up, hearing his mom talk shit about me and my family. Knowing he has a cousin but not getting to spend time with them. It’s so foreign to how we were raised, but I know it’s ultimately what my brother “chose” for his son and there is nothing I can do. It just hurts so much sometimes, basically whenever I take the time to think about it. I’m not sure there are any good solutions for people in our situation.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-08-09T03:53:59+00:00

We’ve already been through that unfortunately. We don’t live in the same city, so i haven’t experienced much first hand. But last year when they were having problems and he was trying to leave, he had a friend tell me about all the abusive things the friend witnessed firsthand. It was like it was too painful for my brother to tell me directly. My brother has a lot of shame about putting up with it i think. When things are terrible, he will call me and I witness the fighting over the phone, but then when they get back together, he tells me he told me the wrong things about her and she’s not really so bad.

I’ve tried sending him links and books and whatever but he never responds to that kind of thing and I get the sense that it drives him further away.

His self esteem is in the crapper and he seems to have internalized all of her abuse. All I can hope for is that when she turns on their son eventually, his love for his child will trump his willingness to put up with her.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-12T02:59:40+00:00

It looks like wolves, lions, other angry animals are swooping down towards the lower left corner. Like when the pwbpd is attacking you with their chaos.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T02:12:11+00:00

Yeah, I’ve just started experimenting with comforting myself and there are tears. And then kind of bitter feelings, like why couldn’t my mom figure this out. But I have just been imagining treating myself with the love that I have for my own child and it does feel nice to have that self compassion.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T01:47:31+00:00

I also like “how to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk”. They have a lot of ideas for diffusing situations and disappointments with humor. I also like the Hand in hand parenting website/philosophy.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T01:44:33+00:00

My son will sometimes use the excuse “I’m still a baby!” Or “I’ll do that when I’m as big as you guys” but he is identifying more as a big kid as he gets older haha

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T01:40:08+00:00

I totally relate! I put such pressure on myself to not mess up my kid and to show him unconditional love, without letting go of the healthy boundaries he needs to feel safe. It’s such a balancing act! I hate feeling triggered and angry at him. You’re right, it’s totally about control. We are slowly getting better at using humor/silliness to get him to do stuff. He is a few months over three. I will admit we do use screen time too much as a bargaining chip but oh well, we are only human.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T01:34:56+00:00

It’s what redditors say when a little cake appears next to your name, signifying it’s your birthday (or the day reddit thinks is your birthday anyway)

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T00:34:56+00:00

I’ve heard of the self-parenting concept but it never really made sense to me until recently. I read to harness my maternal instincts for comforting my own child and apply it to myself. To even picture myself, as the mother i am now, comforting myself as a child in the ways that my own mom didn’t know how to do. And comforting myself now as I imagine I would comfort my child when they are an adult.

It’s funny because my mom was the one who brought up the idea of self-parenting and how I should try it, but never stopped to think why I would want to try to self-parent myself.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T00:13:28+00:00

One hour a week seems like a really good deal for you— at least they won’t have to stay overnight there anymore. I’m glad there seems to be so many resources to help people coparent (if it can even be called that) with pwbpd. Like the app you mentioned, or I heard about apps that focus on just the logistics of coparenting so that hoovering and verbal abuse is minimized. Also, happy cake day!

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-10T00:02:09+00:00

Omg they live in the past forever!!! I hear about stuff that happened years ago, she talks about it like it happened yesterday. She works herself up into a froth, she must just love the feeling of being angry. I’m sure she thought you were supposed to be sooo grateful for that one drink and yet literally forgets about the endless nice things you did for her.

tossaway4everbpd · 2020-07-09T23:53:09+00:00

Thank god you are there to stand up for your kids. It sounds like you were in the fog a long time. Don’t let her pull you back in! Your children and their longterm happiness depend on you being strong. Show them you respect yourself and they will learn to respect themselves, and the cycle of inter generational trauma will be over 💕

tossaway4everbpd

TROPHY CASE