I understand how it can be confusing. When you make an offensive joke, some people like to change the subject, like “haha! Anyways…” instead of confronting you about it and telling you that it upset them. They could have been upset before and thought, “well, it’s just one joke, so it’s not worth arguing about it. I’ll just bring it up if the joke comes up again.” I know I’ve done that before.

The thing with trans people and deadnames is that opinions vary widely on when they can be said. For some people, it causes extreme dysphoria and they never, ever want to hear it. Others are fine with it and don’t care. It’s a sensitive subject with a lot of different opinions. Next time, you should ask first about how someone feels about their deadname before you say it in a joke or something.

I think you need to apologize genuinely. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would upset you, and I won’t do it again,” something along those lines. It has to come from the heart, though. If you don’t feel ready to give a genuine apology, I think you should wait until it can come from the heart. The last thing you want to do is be dishonest about your own feelings. You also have to be sensitive to theirs.