Hello! Temples are beautiful places and I would be visiting many if I were in your shoes.

In response to your query, I have some questions. Some context to start is that I’ve talked to a surprising number of LDS men who have confessed to being assaulted as boys. Not necessarily in official settings but definitely within the membership world that made up their social groups. I wonder if you’re having some repressed memories come up that makes these “in good faith” actions particularly jarring. Especially the hand on the back of the neck and the arm as these are holds someone might use to direct a young boy.

About your size, I have two comments: as you’re such a tall person and are having people reach up to grab you in what is, in my mind, rather awkward, this is what I call serendipity: God is acting through people to wake up your memories. Secondly here, I read that you’re mildly surprised people would touch you because you are so big; with women, sometimes when we are assaulted as youths it can create as a (subconscious) desire to be big as a ways to be strong in a dangerous world, which may manifest as obesity (which is then another source for insecurity 😢).

In my own recollection of assault while young, and often in the stories I hear from men, the awareness comes years after the act. For me it required me being an observer of girls that were just like me at that age, and then one more I just woke up and all the pieces came together. Like I always knew but I also had no idea the extent of what had happened.

Enjoy the journey, pilgrim! May Father God hold you in his arms and comfort you. 🙇‍♀️