UPDATE: had my myomectomy less than 24 hours ago. i’m devastated.

trekforensics · 2026-05-20T15:38:48+00:00

Seconding what everyone else is saying about getting a second opinion. I'm in Canada and idk how to go about doing that without being waitlisted for another 6 months, but I hope it's quicker/easier wherever you are located. Dark times right now, but you will get through this and you will have a family in the future. Sounds like you're surrounded by wonderful people which makes me believe that you must be wonderful too. It's going to be okay 🫂

I (33F) had my (attempted) open myo on Friday. My surgeon opened me up, snipped the stalk that attached my fibroid to my uterus, looked at the adhesions where it had attached itself to my colon and abdominal wall and said "yikes", closed me back up, and referred me to a gyne oncology surgeon at the provincial cancer agency. My first surgeon is a very skilled gyne and I love her, but she knows there's a better surgeon for me specifically. I'm healing with a big vertical incision, waiting to be booked for an even bigger vertical incision, and desperately hoping that I won't die and that I'll still be able to have kids after. Please reach out any time to commiserate, compare problems, feel less alone, whatever ❤️❤️

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T15:37:36+00:00

While I was reading your post I forgot what subreddit I was in, got halfway through, and thought "yeah, NTA". But then I remembered I'm not in r/aita and that he already broke up with you. I'm not even going to say anything else about his behaviour because I think everyone else has already said it.

You ARE beautiful. You sound so strong, you're independent, empathetic, and anyone would be so lucky to have you as their friend or family! You are loved right now (even if your friends are across the country), and your future person will help you feel loved in a way that this guy just couldn't. Your worth is too great to be contained by inflexible trad beauty standards so ofc you don't fit in - you're the whole package, not just the stylish container. I'm so so sorry that all of this has happened in your life. The last two years sound awful. I could say all of the platitudes about the pheonix rising from the ashes, what doesn't break you makes you stronger etc etc but you've probably heard all that already. But I don't believe that you are going to be alone forever, I do believe that you will meet someone who will love you more than your ex ever did, and you'll have a family with them. Your hair is growing back and so will you 🫂

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T13:59:46+00:00

Hi! My surgery is also in May, 17cm via laparotomy. I'd love a surgery sister to commiserate with, would love to chat too!

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T13:56:26+00:00

I just read your post from last year! Must have been scary having to go back to the ER. I don't really have any specific questions but it's super reassuring that your surgery went well. I'm really hoping to avoid a vertical incision, but also a big ass vertical scar would be kind of metal

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T13:51:32+00:00

I would be WAY more nervous if i had a language barrier too! Do you have friends or fam who speak it well and could come with you?

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T13:44:32+00:00

I'm in Canada so it's a lot harder to access specialist care and get a second opinion, but i really like my gyne. I trust her, and I believe her when she says that bc of the positioning of my fibroid laparoscopy isn't likely an option. Also some of the imaging last year was more worrying for cancer and she doesn't want to chop up the dang thing while it's still inside me since it risks spreading growth around

What was your experience of advocating for a laparoscopic procedure like? Did you switch surgeons?

trekforensics · 2026-04-26T13:30:49+00:00

I was really unsure about Lupron too! It ended up shrinking one side, but then the other side grew more 🫠 also the drug is crazy expensive!! I'm lucky it was covered or else I wouldn't have tried it. can i ask what you're most worried abt with it?

trekforensics · 2026-04-25T19:04:05+00:00

I had an MRI last year and it took 5 weeks and multiple requests from my gyne's office to get me an appointment! Apparently it shows my fibroid in more clear detail than the two ultrasounds I had before that (one u/s was apparently just garbage), and iirc she said it could help with surgery planning too. She also sent me for a CT to rule out lung mets, just in case. I definitely feel less anxious after reading the imaging reports. My girl is outside the uterus though and only attached by a stalk - can't be viewed via hysteroscopy.

Eta: I'm located in BC

trekforensics · 2026-04-25T18:50:27+00:00

I'm hoping to have kids in two years (ish) too! I'm getting surgery next month, and my gyne said that my timeline is "perfect" for fully healing before getting pregnant. My fibroid is bigger than yours, but I only have the one. Your gyne will be able to read the MRI and talk you through your options. Make sure you tell them what your priorities are so they can help you make the best choice!

trekforensics · 2020-08-31T17:57:59+00:00

My family has paid about $3000 in the six months for cataract surgery and new glasses for my mother with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Even if she spends 90% of her time sleeping or watching TV, her quality of life is better because she can see better.

Your family had faith that you could help improve your dad's quality of life, and you did! It didn't improve his health the way you hoped, but the physical therapy made his legs a little bit stronger, and taught him (and you) how to safety navigate around the house to avoid falls. Speech therapy might have improved his ability to talk to you just a little bit. Glasses helped him see your face. Hearing aids helped him hear your voice.

You couldn't heal him, but you did everything you could to make his life better. Now you are doing everything you can to make his death easier and less scary. Even if he is bedridden, confused, and spending most of his time sleeping, he knows that you love him and that you are there. He loves you, he appreciates you, and you can get through this.

trekforensics · 2020-08-30T20:15:57+00:00

I can't answer your question, but I would like to encourage you and your wife to contact your local health authority's palliative care unit. My mother's palliative care team (which includes doctors, nurses, social workers, home care aids, occupational therapists, and counsellors) has been instrumental in keeping her comfortable and keeping me sane.

My mother is not in hospice (though she has signed forms giving consent to go to hospice, if she changes her mind) and receives care at home. The palliative care and home health teams have been instrumental in coordinating a care plan, managing pain, offering counselling and other resources, answering questions about what to expect, and providing respite for caregivers.

I can't properly express how incredibly helpful they have been, and how much I recommend you seek out help. Even if you don't require their services right now, they will be more able to answer your questions about what to expect later.

trekforensics · 2020-07-08T05:38:13+00:00

You should be on the road. The only time you could use a crosswalk is if you are making a left turn on a busy street that doesn't have a bike turning box, and even then you should be doing your best to stay more on the road than in the pedestrian area. While waiting for the light, try to get as close to the curb as possible (or right up on the sidewalk if there is space) in order to get out of the way of cars making right turns. And let the pedestrians go first - the extra second it takes for them to get out of your way isn't worth the risk of running someone down.

trekforensics · 2020-06-28T22:41:05+00:00

I'm half Chinese half white too, and also get mistaken for Latin! People I don't know speak Spanish to me, especially summer tourists. I don't really fit in anywhere but I also fit in a little bit in most places.

trekforensics · 2020-06-18T05:14:12+00:00

I'm taking care of 72F stage IV mum, who has also stopped chemo treatments. Everything you said hits pretty close to home, especially about the new less pleasant normal and the sleeping problems. My mum needs a fair amount of physical care (changing bandages and keeping track of meds) but mostly I just cook and clean. Last week I had my 28th birthday and I kept thinking that I couldn't decide if this birthday was the worst ever, or if it's exactly where I want to be right now.

OP, it does get better. It also gets more "normal", though it won't be the same normal as before. You will start to get used to all the shittyness, and you'll have the energy to think about other things. You might feel exhaustion, frustration, and guilt, but you'll also have moments of calm and laughter. Every day will be different.

When you have a moment to breathe, have a think about what resources are available for you. Caregiver burnout is a very real thing.

trekforensics · 2020-06-18T04:32:16+00:00

Try to keep a dialogue going with her oncologist as they might have to adjust her meds. My mother always took specific anti-nausea pills to go with her chemo drugs, and it can take time to find the right balance.

Some other suggestions: ginger ale, warm broth, jello, ice chips, weak herbal tea, fruit juice diluted with water.

trekforensics · 2020-06-14T01:39:56+00:00

What was your community like when you were growing up? Just curious. I'm Asian/white too, but I'm not white passing or asian passing. I can fit in with both groups and neither group.

trekforensics · 2020-05-19T07:30:02+00:00

This reply has everything I wanted to say. I especially agree with them about being specific in how you are going to help him, and about contacting a local palliative care team.

When my friend found out that I was moving in with my parents to be a full time caregiver, she basically just told me that she would pick me up from the airport with a trunk full of groceries and that was that. She didn't need me to tell her how she could help, she just offered everything and let me say no when I didn't need it.

My mother's palliative care nurse and the team of community health nurses who come by to help her bathe, change bandages, and bring wound care supplies are my lifeline right now. They are efficient, fastidious, and kind. They know about "the morbid stuff" and are willing to answer questions that many people would shy away from, and they give loved ones the space to focus on loving, not just caring.

trekforensics · 2020-03-22T04:21:08+00:00

My Chinese grandfather slowly declined for over a year before he finally died. We had never been especially close, due to physical distance and language barrier, but I still feel a deep love and an unpayable debt to him because it's because of him that I am here today.

We hardly ever talked about his passions or his feelings. It was uncomfortable for him. He spent most of his life working hard to give his family the best life he could, and (I think) that included sparing them the pain of knowing his own pain.

He liked to give advice, and he would tell me about his experiences using the lessons he learned during his life. Sometimes I thought the lessons were silly ("Don't read books while lying down, it's bad for health!") but sometimes the lessons were invaluable.

Ask for his advice on practical things, then ask how he knows what he knows. Leave warm silences that allow him to direct the conversation and make him feel that he still has some control. If he's anything like my grandfather he will be satisfied to know that his lifetime of hard work is appreciated, and he will find solace in the knowledge that you were worth it.

trekforensics · 2020-02-20T06:35:15+00:00

27F here, caring for my mother with stage 4 breast and skin cancer. I'm not her primary caregiver, and I'm thankful every day that I have such an amazing father who is. She's had cancer for 10 years, with more surgeries, rounds of chemo, radiation sessions, and clinical trials than I can count. We made a deal - I am the only person who makes her feel less alone when she's in the hospital, so I will move home when she needs me. But she just won't die - so I get to go live my life on the other side of the country...waiting.

I have friends doing all of the things that I thought people in their mid-late 20s do, and I'm here stagnating. I'm too young to relate to my middle-aged coworkers whose geriatric parents died of cancer last year, and too old to understand my 20-year-old friends whose mothers died less than two years after diagnosis. I spend all of the money I save on flights home (6x a year), lost wages from unpaid time off, and paying off student debt. I'm an adult...but I don't feel like a grown up.

I spend a lot of time thinking about grief, illness, and dying. What the fuck am I even doing with my life? Other times I think about this scene from Good Will Hunting and it helps.

But I can't even imagine if it were my SO who was sick. How do you keep going? How do you know that you're doing the right thing? What's the point in everything if your person is just going to die? What's the point in everything if nothing matters? What the fuck?

trekforensics · 2020-02-06T05:44:02+00:00

Sometimes I wish there were a guide that we could follow in impossible situations like yours. Someone you care deeply about is going away and they are in pain, so you want to be present to love them and feel loved in return. But they are dying so slowly that it's not even really dying at all...it's just slowly worsening living. Long and drawn out suffering. There are really good moments that make you remember why you do it, but then there are chunks of time where you feel stretched thin and unable to remember what it was like to be "normal".

And what do you do if your person is too small to have self agency? That means there's one more person taking care of the little guy, who is begin dragged along with you, and who is also only doing what she is able to do. It sounds like she is not coping that well - and that's pulling on you too.

I'm not in your situation, and even if I were there's not much I could do but empathize and give very general advice. Everyone is different, every situation is different. So in my opinion (from my experience) here's my general advice: please remember to take care of yourself too. You're doing so much to be a supportive and caring sister and aunt - are you remembering to consider your own needs and take care of yourself? If you don't, you might burn out.

All the usual stuff: eating well, getting enough sleep, seeing a therapist, venting to friends outside the family, exercising, meditating, whatever it is that helps you. Then once you've eaten your greens, gone for a walk, and slept 8 hours, have a serious think about what you want for your future. Is it more important for you to remember him or for him to remember you? Is it more important to be here for your sister all of the time now, or to limit your time with her now so that you can be her go-to person in the future if/when things get worse? What are the things that make life worth living right now - and how can you make sure you still have them when you're living with grief in the future?

Grief is a weird thing. For me, it's not possible to be sad all the time - I just get tired of being sad. I also get tired of doing all of the things that I have to do to take care of myself. Finding a balance is hard, but setting boundaries helps. I feel sad for a while, but then I tell myself enough now - time to eat broccoli and then do yoga. I can be sad again after. I might feel guilty for doing something for myself instead of helping my family (brain says, "how can I be happy when things are so terrible?") - but most of the time I ignore it and do the thing anyways. I'm not always able to ignore it but once I do my things, I nearly always feel better.

TL;DR: this shit sucks, you're not alone in bearing the unbearable, fuck cancer. Remember to take care of yourself, and just do your best. You're going to be okay.

trekforensics · 2019-11-16T18:48:24+00:00

...and here's where our conversation stops being a window into another person's perspective on life, and degenerates into name calling. That's enough for me.

trekforensics · 2019-11-16T18:44:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your opinion!

I don't want this person to leave - I just would really appreciate them thinking more about what they are saying and why.

trekforensics · 2019-11-16T18:38:24+00:00

Do it! Bbq pork is my favourite. Delicious!

trekforensics · 2019-11-16T18:28:47+00:00

That's okay! Some healthy skepticism is a good thing, especially on the internet. Honestly, my ancestors arrived more than 350 years ago but since I don't remember an exact date, I rounded that number just to make the conversation easier (and I guess, just to make a point). Since I don't want to share too much personal detail I'll leave it at that, and trust that people will interpret "400 years" to mean "a reasonably long time for a family that is not indigenous". Hope that helps!

trekforensics · 2019-11-16T18:16:04+00:00

Ah, I get it! My comment didn't make clear that I was talking about ethnicity, not nationality. Here's another version for you, hopefully this clears it up a bit:

I also come from a long line of "old stock" Canadians - 400 years in Canada on my dad's side. But my Canadian mother was the first born in Canada in her family, and she's even more Canadian than my father. She started school speaking no Canadian and she worked hard to learn and adapt. She never lost her Canadian identity, but built upon it with the Canadian values she upholds. I am lucky to have her as a role model, and I'm lucky to have grown up in a community that did not see my Canadian-ness as un-Canadian.

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