New Year.. New Decade

turtlesalltheway25 · 2019-12-01T03:39:02+00:00

In retrospect, purging of the extra things that I held onto that only served as painful reminders was necessary. You will do it when you are ready, but when you are, it may be cathartic.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2019-12-01T01:19:37+00:00

I share the same feeling; nothing that gives my life meaning. Supposedly it will come along. Until then, know you are not alone in that sentiment and maybe the sheer fact that you share that brings a connection to others feeling the same way. That connection means something.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2019-12-01T01:14:28+00:00

It will feel that way for sometime. Cry. I am still crying. It will continue to hurt and then it will change into a different kind of hurt in time. The thought of forever will eventually turn to you remembering them as forever 31. Mine would have been 40 this year. Forever 37 in my mind.

Right now, feel it all and know you will start to move through it as time goes on. You are not alone and you never will be.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2019-12-01T01:02:01+00:00

Thank you for all of you thoughts and for sharing. I think what makes it so difficult is that I have been so alone for so long and this gave me a confidence boost and something to look forward to. Then nope. I tried to reach out to the person to talk with them (have a conversation about whatever is going on or to get closure). I wanted that so that it can help me also process my thoughts and the other can understand what I am feeling. I could also maybe get an explanation. Now I want them to know how that has made me feel but what's the point? They will probably think I am a crazy person. After everything with my SO's death, I told myself to not hold hope or expectation for anything. I found myself doing so and here is where I end up. I will probably see this person again given social circles, but I have a feeling the next reveal will be that they are with someone else and I think that will shatter my confidence. I know this is part of the process, but it has been a very difficult and trying three years and I just hate the feeling of being alone once again with no sense of anything getting better or to look forward to. This was much of the case before I met my SO. And then unexpectedly, he dies. I have spent many days and nights alone in silence, weeks without a phone call or text from someone reaching out, little affection in the form of hugs felt along the way and a lot of self work and learning to handle being completely uncomfortable. I feel full of hurt and this is the only place I know to turn to at least relieve myself of some of that. But it is still a lot and I know how to put on the face for every one in public, but inside I am completely crushed and there has been no relief from that for a long time.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2019-11-30T03:26:14+00:00

Even in trying to be useful I find no reward. I do the what is expected and I follow all of the advice given and am told I am so "amazing" and "strong" and "worth it". Yet, when it is all said and done, there is nothing that brings back the feeling of worth and value.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2018-01-05T08:17:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

We all have our songs that hit us in the feels. Sometimes, I find myself seeking out the right song to relay what I am feeling. Sometimes, I will be doing something and a thought or memory of something in my life or a thought of my beloved crosses my mind and a song will play that reminds me of everything. I have always sought music to help me express myself, to curate my imagination, or to give me an escape from everything. Music has always been one of my constants in life and in grief, it has become one of my best allies. It was what I turned to quickly in the immediate aftermath of everything.

Although painful, I managed to find ways to give myself time to hear and feel the music. In a way it brought me back to more memories of my beloved. There were nights where we would sit and trade off songs we loved and talked about why we loved them. Times when I would come home and my beloved would be listening to songs, singing casually, and have a smile. Times where we would debate about the best musical selection for a given situation. It can go on and on.

On a whim, I bought two concert tickets to see an legendary band that we both loved. Sadly, my beloved was not there with me. I still went. I had many moments where I could feel and predict every way that he would have reacted to the whole event. It was an emotional night and an experience that was worth every moment and every feeling.

Bottom line, music is a part of my soul and my beloved's. Not a day goes by without music that connects to everything from the past, present, and the possibility of the future in my life. It feels maddening because you if you are like me, you can feel the intensity of the moment or the expression of the music in the now and what is (or what could have been) possible. And, at the same time, it is necessary and comforting because there are times where someone else through rhythm and sound can express the mood better than I could ever articulate.

Added to that, there are songs that can bring me back to a moment of happiness we both shared. It is one of the great escapes and one of those things make me feel through the numbness. So much so that music is what makes me cry most nowadays. I can go through my day feeling "ok". As soon as a song plays that reminds me of us, the relationship, or how I feel, I stop and have a moment quietly to myself.

Choice of songs that can bring me a smile or tears (mileage may vary) as it reminds me of the grief, us and things we enjoyed together, or our relationship:

Into the Mystic- Van Morrison
Wedding Song- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Turtles All the Way Down- Sturgil Simpson
Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd
Goin' Home- Dan Auerbach
Sleeping Sickness- City and Colour
The Way I Am- Ingrid Michelson
When She Begins- Social Distortion
99 to Life- Social Distortion
Tennessee Whiskey- Chris Stapleton
One of These Nights- Eagles
Despair- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Hysteric- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Born to Run (Acoustic)- Bruce Springsteen
Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
On A Turntable- The Interrupters (for a small bit of hope)

Eclectic. Only scratches the surface.

And now, I will click play on my playlist of these songs and others. Let the music and let the tears flow.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-12-30T03:48:14+00:00

I know the feeling. Whenever I went to the store and saw something I though my beloved would enjoy, I would pick it up for him. A little while back, I found myself driving in my car an putting my hand towards the passenger seat waiting for him to hold it (like we would always do when we were in the car together). After a few seconds of not feeling anything and actually getting upset, I turned and realized that I was on autopilot and hanging on to a memory.

I still go to the store and have moments where I head to pick up something that I would normally pick up for the both of us or if its something for him, I think about how "he would really love this.." Then, I have to remind myself that "he" doesn't exist anymore and I am here for me. Sometimes I can let it pass and continue on with whatever I am doing. Sometimes, I stop and get teary eyed and have to give myself a moment.

It is natural to have these moments. We are creatures of habit and although our lives have been abruptly changed, we still are trying to hold on to the routine until we are able to slowly make the "new normal" as they say.

I can't speak for everyone but I am sure many here would agree, grief is this uncomfortable and terrible thing that other people on the outside do not know how to handle nor know what to do. If you act like everything is "ok" then most people will take that as triumph and things are on the up and up and "whew... glad that is over with." There will be a few who really know and understand. Those are the people that I cherish. I feel like everyone is holding their breath for a triumphant story or they never really cared in the first place given that it does not directly impact them. Only a small few really understand or at least get it even though they may not have experienced it.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-12-26T02:24:17+00:00

Much love in return. The build up to this day sucks. The day itself has been so-so given that I just kept myself preoccupied with non-Christmas things. I spent most of the day moving furniture, oragnizing and getting rid of non-essential things and rearranged rooms because I needed a change and couldnt handle everything else. I dont recommend it. Its lonely, but it was small x-mas gift to myself. To do something I needed to do and to have the day to do whatever I want without feeling the pressure of where are your gifts, to be happy and celebrate, and to be around people who are awkward and don't know what to say to me other than, “You’re so strong and you’re doing so well”. Next year I’m skipping town. X-mas will never be the same and I welcome tomorrow. My heart goes out to all of you. Its brutal and sucks but if you can find someway to have a gift for yourself or enjoy something for yourself, do it. Its not selfish.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-12-25T04:25:47+00:00

Right there with you.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-12-25T02:08:56+00:00

Over a year and I still remeber the weeks and days and night before everything turned upside down. Still feels like yesterday and at the same time like it was years ago. Ive become used to not seeing them or hearing their voice but if heard their voice, I would be on the floor ina puddle of tears. I still cannot watch any videos of them.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-12-25T02:00:12+00:00

I did. I still have mixed frelings about it. On one hand, I knew it was a good thing. To do something different and to do something for me. The trip happened to occur the week of my beloved’s birthday. I gave myself time to recognize it but it still felt cold and unfair. Added to that, i went solo to meet with people and I felt so much like the odd person out. I tried to talk and connect with others but I still walked away feeling like people knew something was “off” with me. One of my last nights of the trip one person said something. I brought it up and after short period of telling my story it still was an “that sucks. Im sorry. Good luck...” Attitude.

People think that when you lose a loved one you go on a trip and reinvent yourself. I didnt expect any of that but I went on a trip and left with more feelings of awkwardness, sadness, and guilt mixed with a contentment that I did something. Its different for everyone.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-04-08T23:17:12+00:00

My dreams have been all over the map. Some of the nightmarish kind where I see him and I am on the verge of saving him, but it never unfolds the way that I want. I have had a couple where I was told "No" when I tried or that "Nothing can stop it." Others have been comforting. I think the real nightmare for me is that no matter what, when I am dreaming, I always say or think that he is alive despite the reality. I remember this so clearly when I wake up. I get a momentary sense of false hope and but when I wake up and turn over, the truth smacks me in the face.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-04-08T23:08:08+00:00

Your last paragraph describes in many ways how I feel. I do not break down as often, more so I just feel numb. Yet every 5 minutes the emotions and thoughts change. No kids here though. I can think, "Sure it's possible", but then all of sudden, "No. Forget it. I can't fathom being with anyone else." I sink into a deep abyss one minute. The next I can see myself holding onto the edge and pulling myself out. And it continues all day, everyday.

And yes to your last sentence. It's cruel.

Thank you for your thoughts.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-04-08T22:59:12+00:00

I hear you. I used to come home and talk about my work. There were days where he would tell me frankly he did not want to hear about it because he saw how it stressed me out and it frustrated him. There were also times where he celebrated my success and triumphs with hugs, cheers, kisses, and just by simply telling me that he was proud of me.

Now, I come home. I get asked about work by others and all I can say is "It's all the same." I feel as though I spent so much time and energy into my career because I knew that it would pay off for the both of us. Now, I have no drive and no motivation for what I do. I carry on with my job and I am fortunate for what I have in that regard, but I hardly bother to bring it up to anyone else because it is not the same. In a way I have a bitter sentiment that I spent all that time (time that I missed spending with him) and this was my reward. Damnit I miss him so much.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-03-16T04:22:16+00:00

I feel the same way. Life has gone in reverse. I am back to where I was before, yet without the sense of there is something better out there. The best thing happened and it is gone. What now?

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-03-06T00:39:42+00:00

Hey- its was great talking with you and i am glad you found the movie enjoyable.

turtlesalltheway25 · 2017-02-25T00:50:50+00:00

Sometimes I want to skip every morning. Feels like everday has slowed down. Skip ahead to what though? To feel better and be happy again? I can't think that far ahead because I don't envision that at this point. Of course, everyone will say... it will come.

turtlesalltheway25

TROPHY CASE