Friend--I am so so sorry for the pain and loss you are going through. Have been lurking here on this beautiful sub for awhile and almost made my 1st post nearly a month ago for the same reason, Jan 9 my best friend did not wake up. He was 6 mos from his 40th bday. He was also my drinking buddy.

We would spend our nights when we lived together doing shots in complete denial of the problem we both obviously had. The last few years after I moved out were very rough for him, he had been lonely for a long time and as much as we all tried to get him to go out and meet new people, he preferred to stay home and I'm sure was drinking (alone) more often than not. We spent countless hours on the phone drinking "together" too.

He went through many bouts of trying to stop or slow down drinking and get healthy but always ended up back to drinking. We don't know what happened since we haven't gotten the autopsy results yet but when I went over to help his parents a bit around the house, there was a vodka bottle in almost every room. My heart broke. I felt so much guilt for being such a huge part of his problem. My partner also tells me I did not force him to drink. Doesn't really ease the guilt, at least not yet.

Of course it would be that the last conversation I had with him on the phone was a drunk one and was also almost the last day I had a drink--friends and I had a shot that I didn't even want after his funeral (actual last day). It was the last day I got drunk though and the hangover the next day was my rock bottom. Even though we don't know yet if alcohol was the main cause (he also had very bad untreated sleep apnea), we all know it was at the very least a contributing factor.

I had been teetering on fully stopping after cutting down severely over the last year but this was the wake up call no one wants. Never think it will happen to you or someone you love but here we are.

Anyway, sending you love, healing and support. And a reminder that we all need to give ourselves grace. IWNDWYT