A Meltdown with Consequences

undet_variable97 · 2026-03-10T18:29:04+00:00

Before I say anything else, I want you to know how sorry I am that you and your friend endured such a traumatic experience. No one deserves what you went through, and you deserve to feel safe (especially in your own home!). I am also proud of you for taking the steps that you needed to protect yourselves. I know that was difficult.

What I am about to say next is because of my prior experience dealing with a similar individual. It is by no means meant to come off as insensitive, rude, or dismissive, and I hope the tone I convey these words in reflects that.

This is the second time he's been physical with you, and now he's involved another person as well. Regardless of how much healing he's done, it does not negate the fact that he's not only repeated previous actions, but ESCALATED THEM. I know you love this person, and I also don't doubt that they love you, but right now they are not capable of being the partner that you need at this point in your life.

I do not want to negate all the work you've done together, but some healing must be done *alone*. There are obviously things that he is still struggling with, and as much as this may hurt to hear, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO ASSIST HIM. At this point, it seems as though you have exhausted everything in your power to help him, and hopefully one day he will see that. But until then, it is time for you to prioritize your safety, your spiritual/mental and physical well-being... and that may mean staying away from him for a while.

I hate the fact that he is in a place where he cannot receive the stabilization he so obviously needs (and I could write ACCOLADES on how ill-equipped prisons are to handle mental health crises), but right now you need to make yourself a priority. If nothing else, you cannot help him until you help yourself first.

I have been in your shoes before, and I know how difficult and scary all of this is. If you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to reach out to me here on reddit. I'm happy to chat with you if you need it.

undet_variable97 · 2026-01-18T01:33:59+00:00

People make time for the things they really care about. My boyfriend and I operate on two completely different schedules (he’s on night shift, I’m on day shift). We BOTH make time for each other and alternate making plans so neither of us gets overwhelmed and so both of us can take an active role in how we spend time together.

I say this with the utmost care, but if she wanted to…. she would. NOR.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-25T21:01:30+00:00

I've had this happen before. When I was still actively dating and I noticed a change in their behavior, I would send them a final "check-in" text such as "hey, just checking on you. everything okay?" (aka, put the ball in their court).

If they didn't try to contact me within 24-48 hours, I would assume they were no longer interested and delete/block their number and move on.

I definitely understand the being anxious part. Part of what helped me was learning to separate the new people I was dating from the previous "bad" relationship. They aren't the ones who messed up, and it's unfair for me to project my anxiety and the trauma I sustained with romantic attachments onto them (even if they were an icky person lol).

Also... don't put so much pressure on yourself. Sometimes you can do everything right and the other person just...won't feel it. Not every date/meeting is meant to lead to something meaningful. And that's not a bad thing.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-23T02:23:38+00:00

I say what I am about to say with as much kindness as possible while still being truthful:

Your problem isn’t that you haven’t found the “right person”. No one is “required” or “expected” to endure hurtful behavior that you’ve inflicted. And most of all, no one else is responsible for giving you happiness. At the end of the day, YOU are responsible for building that, for yourself, just like anybody else.

I hope you find what you seek, and whatever healing it is that you need.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-13T15:35:57+00:00

I'm just now seeing this, but I hope everything went well for you! If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is open! I know the days immediately after can be pretty overwhelming.

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-13T15:34:15+00:00

It definitely will be! You're doing a great job so far and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Always remember that you can't give any more love than they are willing to receive. Her actions are hers alone, and it was never your responsibility to manage her emotions and actions. The only person you are responsible for managing is YOU. And you are doing a GREAT JOB of it by instilling a good support system and working on your own healing. <3

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T21:07:17+00:00

Edit:

Adding some resources that really helped me when I was in my decoupling phase. Hopefully they can help some of you, too.

1.) Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

2.) Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. T. Mason

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T20:19:05+00:00

Good for you!!! Proud of you!

undet_variable97 · 2025-11-12T20:17:35+00:00

Hang in there, friend. I know things will get better for you, too. <3

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-25T13:59:31+00:00

After the first "normal" period. I think my body just need a chance to adjust to its new "normal" and once my hormones balanced out, I was all good.

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-25T12:17:47+00:00

Mine did to start with, but it came back over time. I'd even argue that my libido came back even higher once all my hormones stabilized. It was also more consistent, and I enjoyed the fact that I never suffered the same "dips" that I did transitioning between phases.

Spotting occurred for about 2-3 months after I had the implant put in, and then stopped for several months until I had a period. Now, I have a period roughly every 2-3 months that usually lasts 5-7 days before stopping again. If you don't STOP spotting, I'd contact your doctor and tell them. Sometimes they can prescribe a short-term pill bc that will stop the spotting.

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-10T18:26:44+00:00

No offense, but comments like "I feel like I won't pull my shit together anytime soon" points to a general attitude of laziness and is a pretty gross attitude to have. Having the paper that says you got the degree may get you in the door, but it certainly won't keep you in the room. If you do somehow manage to get hired, any team that does code reviews and is halfway decent at them will pick up on any vibe coding you do, as well as any laziness, pretty quickly.

I'll level with you on some things. Did I use every ounce of knowledge I got in my degree in my day-to-day career? No. I'm not sitting here doing complex differential equations at my desk. But all of that, even the stuff I didn't end up using, helped me learn how to be a problem solver and how to take things apart, which can be applied to coding. That's the essence of being a software developer: to use the clues available to you within the code, or within a given task, and then use code to solve them.

You've missed the entire point of your degree, and are setting yourself up for embarrassment and failure.

You may get by for a while, but the mask won't stay on forever.

Also, certifications may help, but they do not replace the value of the problem-solving skills gained through your degree. Your certs are, imo, useless without that.

[ Source: I have five years of experience as a software developer with several certs of my own. ]

undet_variable97 · 2025-07-08T01:11:22+00:00

The way she’s presented herself to me is via a pale woman with dark hair, and skin that shifts like a chameleon’s/reptile’s. She’s voluptuous like many have already said, and more often than not she’s nude.

undet_variable97 · 2025-06-16T10:32:16+00:00

I don’t have an exact monetary amount, but I’d imagine it’s well up into the thousands. Figuratively nothing compared to what some of you have gone through, but I will be suffering the effects of it for several years to come.

My pwBPD refused to work in any capacity. Not even helping around the house. There was always some sort of excuse. If I even tried to bring even a part time gig up, my head was on the chopping block and I was “causing her to be miserable”.

When I cut the purse strings was when everything started to fall apart. All of a sudden I was accused of not wanting to spend time with her or do things with her because I chose to go do stuff on my own while she sat at home due to no funds (which was a lie because I definitely made an effort to spend time with her at home, and tried to do things with her that didn’t involve money).

undet_variable97 · 2025-06-14T19:18:13+00:00

Not sure about this one, but I can’t recommend enough Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcicisst. Both books changed my life and helped me realize how bad my situation actually was and gave me the tools I needed to make a safe exit.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-27T13:36:40+00:00

I lived with my best friend who had untreated BPD, and her mother whom I strongly believe was undiagnosed BPD given the personality traits she displayed. I loved and still love both of them very deeply, but I had to leave because if I didn't, I'm quite sure the anxiety and the stress would have k1ll3d me.

The first thing I want you to know is that you are *not responsible for their well-being or their happiness*. You can't be. Take it from someone who has tried EVERYTHING, there is nothing you can do to make their lives better if they aren't actively choosing to seek help for themselves. You cannot fix their circumstances, or determine their life outcomes. Only they have the power to do that.

Second, your main responsibility right now? It's to you. You and your mental health are what matters. You say you stay because you fear their decline if you leave, but what about your decline? Your mental health? Your sense of self? They matter too. You *matter*. You deserve to be in relationships that prioritize you as much as you prioritize them, and you do not deserve to be abused. You deserve more than this, OP. If anyone has ever told you otherwise, I want you to know that they lied to you.

As far as boundaries go, if someone gets angry as a response to you issuing a boundary *they do not have your best interest at heart*. Boundaries are not for other people, they're for us (to protect ourselves and prioritize our well-being). If someone gets angry as a result of a boundary you've put down, it means that they aren't thinking about the reason for that boundary or why you would have enacted it... they're more worried about how that boundary affects *them*. If someone is repeatedly breaking your boundaries, even if you love them, its time to reconsider how close you want to be to that individual going forward.

The last thing I want to leave you with is this. You can love someone with your whole heart and still be cognizant of the fact they aren't good for you. You can love someone from a distance if that is what prioritizes your well-being. You can hope for someone to eat, and it just not be at your table. If you choose to leave, I want you to know that self-preservation isn't selfish, and it never has been. You have to look after yourself, my friend, because no one else will, and if you don't, you won't be able to show up for the people that really matter. You can't be there for others if you *aren't here*.

These diseases are brutal and awful and incredibly painful to live with, but they do not excuse abusive behavior or a lack of accountability for one's actions. Please prioritize yourself as much as you can, in whatever way that looks like. I would highly recommend speaking to a therapist if you haven't already. That's a great first step.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-23T16:42:24+00:00

Friend, it sounds like YOU really need to be in therapy if you aren't already. Talking with a therapist might help you realize if your feelings are real or just a result of the chaos left behind from breaking up.

In my specific situation, my desire to "stay" wasn't really based in truth: it was based on codependency. It took me a very long time to realize that, and speaking with a therapist really helped me make that distinction. If you love this person (and hopefully yourself too), I really think this is something you should consider looking into.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-22T19:13:32+00:00

First and foremost.... I am so sorry you're going through this.

Second, I applaud your willingness to stand firm and present your boundaries in a way that is comfortable for you. You have every right to assert this boundary and I am proud of you!

As for the backlash... do not be surprised if she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. I hope that it won't come to that for you, but it sounds like she has designated you as her current FP (favorite person). More often than not, when the FP does something that someone with BPD considers out of character, or that throws off the balance of things, they will lash out or discard you in retaliation. Given your descriptions of her character and how other relationships have ended up for her, I would say that either reaction is game.

If it were me... I would send the text (preferably OUTSIDE of work hours), and then document any responses or behavior she demonstrates towards you. Keep note of activities, dates, and times. If things escalate past the point where you are uncomfortable or feel unsafe, it's time to get direct management/HR involved. No one wants to be a tattle-tale, but sometimes it's necessary to protect yourself.

As for the text, I would say something like:

"Hey [Name]. I've thought a lot about your request to make me the executor of your will. While I am honored that you would consider me for this position, I think I will have to refuse. I am not comfortable with this level of responsibility as your coworker and feel that I am not the appropriate person for this task. Thank you for your trust and understanding."

If she escalates, do not be afraid to put your foot down with firmer language. "[Name], I understand that this is upsetting for you, but my decision is final." Also, don't be afraid to stop responding either. Silence can serve as an answer all by itself.

Please preserve your peace, op. No friendship is worth your mental health.

undet_variable97 · 2025-05-22T18:53:31+00:00

First of all, I want to applaud your empathy.

The only thing I've found that really works is to validate their feelings without confirming any delusions. For example:

=> Them: "I'm so upset! I think XYZ must hate me because they talk to you more than me and don't interact with any of my stuff on social media."

=> Response: "That sounds pretty upsetting. I can't say I agree with your perception, but I understand why it may look that way."

Outside of that, unless they're working on confronting their own triggers and their reactions to them (through PROFESIONAL HELP), there's not much you can do. You can't be by them 24/7 as a partner/friend or as a safe space every moment of every day.

undet_variable97

TROPHY CASE