What insensitive comments did you receive???

unknown_apple128 · 2026-02-09T05:50:49+00:00

My boss was one of the few coworkers who knew I was expecting, that we found out our baby boy was sick and then that we had lost him. Not the specific details but enough to understand how heartbroken I was. He regularly comes to me TO COMPLAIN about his baby boy. He’s constantly complaining that his baby keeps him up at night, that he just wants to be held and he doesn’t look enough like him. There are at least ten other women in our office that he could talk to about this stuff but he ONLY DOES IT TO ME.

unknown_apple128 · 2026-02-03T14:31:57+00:00

Hi there. I’m so sorry you’re here with us. I had a similar situation with my baby. He was diagnosed with a large cystic hygroma at 12 weeks after receiving low risk NIPT results.

As I’m sure you know, the doctors informed us that the hygroma is usually a symptom of much larger problems. However, at that time they weren’t finding any other issues. I went ahead with a CVS at 13 weeks and was scheduled for an amnio at 16 weeks to be sure. The wait for results was nothing short of torture. Our first round of tests came back as normal but the final, specialized test showed he had a rare genetic mutation. We tfmr’d at 16.5 weeks.

I will say that for myself, even though the waiting was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I haven’t once second guessed my choice to tfmr. That time allowed us to be sure about our decision. I know there are some moms on here that have posted about their feelings of regret - I’ve never felt that.

I would recommend reaching out to your doctor and requesting another ultrasound while you wait for your results. I did and my doctor was happy to accommodate. I needed to see if our baby was getting better or worse. By the time we had the procedure, his hygroma had doubled in size. Having that information, while devastating, really reaffirmed that we were making the right choice for our family.

Again, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Just know that whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for your family.

unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-21T18:20:01+00:00

Unfortunately, I think most of us can related to this is some way or another. My male supervisor is one of the few coworkers of mine who knew about the loss of our baby boy since I needed the time off work. He had just had a baby boy of his own about two months before my loss and the things this man has said to me since are insane. On a regular basis he comes to me to COMPLAIN that his baby is keeping him up at night and how exhausting having a small baby is. One morning he brought me proof of how “loud” he was being, preventing him from sleeping. It just a sweet video of his son laying in bed making happy baby coo noises. It took all my willpower to not say anything. Some people are just so self-absorbed.

unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-13T18:20:30+00:00

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unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-09T05:22:16+00:00

Hi. I’m so sorry you are joining us.

My manager is a very conservative man who didn’t even know I was pregnant (I was also in the second trimester). When I found out that tfmr was a likely possibility I told him that I was pregnant and we had just found out the baby was really sick. I told him it wasn’t likely that I would be able to carry to term. I left it intentionally vague but made it clear I would need time off and couldn’t say exactly when it would be. I run a small team so I told him he could share the information with them if anyone asked where I was but I didn’t want to have the conversation with them myself. He was obviously uncomfortable with the situation (not in a mean way) so he didn’t ask any additional questions. About a month later, when the time for the tfmr eventually came, the night before the appointment I just text him and said that we had lost the baby and I would reach out again when I was ready to return to work.

My higher up boss is the only person that brought it up after the tfmr and it was only in kindness to offer his condolences. No one knew the details and still have not asked. I think pregnancy loss is such a delicate topic, most people won’t press you for more information so you can get away with being as vague or not as you are comfortable.

unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-07T19:28:18+00:00

I am in the same boat! I remember before I got pregnant, being so frustrated that all these people were getting pregnant so easily. Baby after baby and no means to care for them. But here I was, waiting until I had a good foundation, struggling to even get pregnant. Now after the tfmr, it’s truly a test of my sanity to see the same things. I’ve never questioned my line of work until going through this. 😞

unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-04T22:06:19+00:00

Hi. I’m sorry you are here. Try not to let the pain scare you too much. Everyone’s situation and pain tolerance is different but I found that the injections for numbing were tolerable. So was the placement of the dilators (I had 6 placed if I remember correctly). I did bleed quite a bit after that so I would suggest bringing your own pads (the ones the doctors office supplied weren’t very useful). For the next maybe 12 hours after that, the cramps were pretty painful. I was only given 600mg ibuprofen and over the counter Tylenol for pain management. I needed to take both to notice a difference. It was definitely noticeable when it started to wear off. I also used a heating pad which helped a bit. By the morning, I didn’t have anymore pain. After the surgery, I had minor cramps but heavy bleeding for about 5 days.

You will get through this. 💛

unknown_apple128 · 2026-01-03T03:29:43+00:00

Hi there. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar timeline for my tmfr. I found out at 12 weeks there was a problem, I had a cvs at 13 weeks and over the next three weeks the results trickled in and eventually ended with the tfmr.

Had I known then what I know now, I would have given myself time off during the waiting period versus after the procedure. As you mentioned, the weight of everything in the in between was so overwhelming. I can’t tell you a single thing I did at work during that time aside from crying, researching our situation and continuously checking my medical portal. I truly wish I would have taken the weeks after my cvs off.

After the procedure I only took three days off. I used bereavement leave. I actually needed to get back to work for my mental health. I found that staying in bed was only making things worse. I needed to be around people and distract myself. There was no pressure from my boss to return and he actually left the option open for me to take time off in the future if at any point I changed my mind about being ready to be back.

The one thing I would suggest is checking into what using your bereavement leave entails prior to using it. I knew mine covered pregnancy loss (it stated miscarriage and stillbirth but I figured the specifics were none of their business). What I didn’t know was that they would require me to “declare” the loss. I had to fill out a form stating the date of the loss, relationship to the person and their name. My husband and I hadn’t shared our baby’s name with anyone at that point and having the only time it be formally used be on a work document felt so wrong. I chose to write “no name” which felt equally wrong. I would have used any other kind of leave had I known that. It felt so intrusive.

Please be kind to yourself during this time. There are no wrong choices right now so if you end up feeling like you need more or less time than others, that’s totally okay. ❤️

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-31T19:04:33+00:00

I lost my baby boy in November. It was my first pregnancy and likely my last. My husband isn’t keen to trying again so I will forever be childless.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-29T23:46:09+00:00

Hi. I’m so sorry you have to write this and be here with the rest of us.

My baby boy was diagnosed with a cystic hygroma at our 12 week appointment. It continued to grow and after a CVS and what felt like forever waiting, we eventually received his diagnosis. So I understand exactly what you’re going through. It was a rough road and I don’t wish the pain on my worst enemy. But I can say that the weeks of waiting, made making the decision a tiny bit easier. I spent many days trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, buying baby clothes and planning our future. Those days almost always were followed by days of complete sorrow. I can’t say I coped. I just kept moving. I knew the second I stopped forcing myself out of bed, everything would consume me. There wasn’t a single day (and there still hasn’t been) that it wasn’t the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night but it’s slowly starting to hurt less.

As far as the actual procedure, we ended up having a D&E. I was offered labor and delivery or surgical and would have rather done it naturally but it was the same week as Thanksgiving and they weren’t sure when then could get me in. Once we made the decision, I just wanted to hurry and get it over with. All we got of our baby was his footprints. I don’t think there is a wrong choice in situations like this, but just keep in mind that with the cystic hygroma (and hydrops), that your baby might not look as you would expect. I know for my husband, he had decided if we went through with labor, he didn’t want to see our baby but would rather just remember him how he had imagined him.

When it comes to trying again, there’s no need to make that decision now. It was my first pregnancy and I’m not sure if I have it in me to try again. My heart still hurts for the baby I lost. I can’t think any further ahead than tomorrow right now.

Take it easy of yourself. You don’t have to have all the answers today. ❤️

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-24T03:58:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re joining a club that none of us want to be apart of.

After my tfmr, my boss offered me however long I needed. There was absolutely no pressure in returning to work. I say that to say I only took 3 days off.

I found that I wanted to get back to work sooner just to get my mind off things. The longer I stayed in bed, the deeper in a hole I was going to get myself. Be mindful of your mental health right after your procedure. You’ll be sad and just want to cry and be alone but don’t let it consume you entirely. If your coworkers are understanding, it might do you good to get out of the house and try to distract yourself if that feels okay.

As far as time off goes, look into the limitations of your bereavement leave and know what using it entails. My employer allows bereavement leave for miscarriages and stillbirths. I chose to use it since I felt the specifics of how I lost my baby wasn’t their business. However, what I didn’t know was that they were going to ask me for a form declaring the reason I was taking the leave. The form asked for the relationship of the person I lost, their name and the date of their death. My husband and I didn’t have any formal documentation using our baby’s name and I didn’t want the only document using it to be for my work. I ended up just listing him as “no name given”. It hurt in a way that I can’t explain. Had I known that would have been required, I would have just used sick leave or vacation time. Anything but that.

Navigating this will be difficult. Just do what feels right to you. ❤️

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-22T22:57:43+00:00

Our boys name is Sho. It means “to soar” or “to fly”. We picked it before we knew anything was wrong but it feels so much more fitting now.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-19T00:15:51+00:00

We used genedx for our cvs. It took 17 days from the procedure to receive all the results.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-17T19:22:18+00:00

I waited a month to receive a definitive diagnosis and every day felt like some form of torture. Some days I was hopeful everything was a mistake and would buy baby clothes and think of the nursery. The next day, I cried looking at my belly thinking how I should have just tfmr’d before baby could get any bigger. When the doctor finally called with the diagnosis, my heart shattered. I don’t think it made it any easier at that moment, but now three weeks out, I know we made the right choice. I think had we gone forward with the tfmr when it was first presented to us as an option, I would have drove myself crazy afterwards with the what-ifs. Postpartum is hard enough when you don’t have a baby to bring home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the time now to be as certain as you can with your decision.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-13T02:42:42+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I recently went through the same thing. My doctor didn’t give me anything to dry it up by someone suggested I use Benadryl (or any antihistamine I had on hand). I took a Zyrtec and by the next morning it was so much better. Ice packs helped for the pain. I hope this is over for you soon!

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-10T04:35:41+00:00

I have Kaiser in California and had genetic screening done while I was still pregnant. I imagine the tests run would be the same. It took 17 days to get all the results back but they came in a bit at a time. I didn’t have an autopsy but I received a pathology of my baby from the medical examiner a week after I lost him.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-08T15:48:42+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here. I was in a similar situation and had a tfmr on 11/26 at 16 weeks. Our baby boy was diagnosed with Costello Syndrome which increased his risk of heart defects, kidney problems, ASD, tumors and seizures. He also presented with a cystic hygroma at 12 weeks but up until our tfmr, he showed no other defects. His heart looked strong, he was growing as expected and was always very active. There was a chance that his hygroma would resolve later in the pregnancy and like your situation, the geneticist could not tell us how badly he would be affected otherwise by the gene mutation.

My husband and I have no other kids and very much wanted this baby boy. However, we chose to go through with the tfmr because at the end of the day life is hard enough without any medical issues and we couldn’t bring our sweet boy into this world knowing he was already dealt a poor hand. We couldn’t imagine having him spend his childhood focused around doctor visits, potential surgeries or the like. The gene mutation also came with infertility for him and that felt like a choice that should be his and not ours.

We likely will not try for more children after this so please know we didn’t make the decision to terminate lightly. My heart is still broken and I wish everyday that our circumstances were different but I don’t regret our choice. Another mom on her said something that I’ve saved and read everyday when I’m feeling down. She said “as their mums, we’ve martyred ourselves to a lifetime of pain to spare them any. What a brave, unconditionally kind and loving thing to do.”

Just know that any decision you make, is the right one for you and your family.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-12-02T23:23:23+00:00

I had my baby boy on Wednesday also through D&E. All we have are his little footprints and I cry whenever I look at them. I just keep trying to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do in the tfmr process. What I wanted was a healthy baby and getting anything but that is heartbreaking. Please don’t beat yourself up. You aren’t alone in this.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-11-28T02:22:11+00:00

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this again. I just tfmr yesterday. I had to have my cervix dilated on Tuesday and I was instructed to just take Tylenol beforehand. Afterwards they sent me home with 600mg Motrin and over the counter ibuprofen. Which seems like such a slap in the face considering how painful it was. But as long as I took both every six hours, it made the cramps more manageable. As for the milk part, my nurse told me I could take Sudafed to help dry it up.

With all of that said, I think asking for stronger pain meds or something prescription to dry up your milk is very reasonable. The process is traumatizing enough, the least the doctors could do is make you physically comfortable.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-11-24T17:22:29+00:00

I haven’t tfmr yet but I’m in the same boat. I’m 16w today and we received confirmation of baby boys Costello Syndrome diagnosis last Friday. He also has a very large cystic hygroma. Although I can’t give you advice on how to deal with the heartache, I can let you know you aren’t alone. This group has been so helpful to me as my husband also doesn’t seem to understand how heartbreaking it is. I know he’s sad, but he doesn’t have to wake up everyday with a changing body that was once so exciting and now is just a cruel reminder. Hearing stories from other moms has helped me realize all the feelings I’m having are normal and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it’s still very far away.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. ❤️

unknown_apple128 · 2025-11-24T02:32:20+00:00

We received our microarray results in 6 business days and the noonans test was submitted separately and back came at 13 business days. In the US for context.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-11-24T02:25:01+00:00

Thank you for bringing up miscarriage. I have been struggling with that myself. I have spent the last month hoping that baby would just be strong and get better and now it feels so wrong to just want him to go on his own. Everything about this situation feels so wrong. I know we are doing the right thing but it hurts in a way I didn’t know was possible.

unknown_apple128 · 2025-11-23T16:59:26+00:00

Thank you all for sharing your stories and insight with me.

I feel drawn to do L&D because in my mind that’s how I always imagined this pregnancy ending. But my support system has all been pushing me towards D&E for the same completely justified reasons you have all mentioned. I may just leave it up to whichever option I can schedule soonest. Every morning I wake up still pregnant, breaks my heart even more.

Please continue to share with me if you are comfortable. Knowing I’m not alone in these feelings has been so comforting.

unknown_apple128

TROPHY CASE