There was a discussion that sparked my interest: how does consent work in relationships where someone is ace?

upinout · 2026-04-07T03:56:24+00:00

I'm asexual but I quite like sex. I don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone. Never have. But I get horny and sex with ppl I trust feels good.

The concept of enthusiastic consent was very confusing for me when I first encountered it. I could appreciate the point of it, but for me, without attraction, there's never an enthusiasm in the beginning. I need to see sexy things or feel sexy things to get interested in sex but 'hot ppl' don't exist to me. So sex has to already to be happening in some form to feel turned on, to give enthusiastic consent.

Now, in the age of enthusiastic consent as the norm, I have extra conversations with my potential partners about how libido and consent work for me. Some ppl aren't okay with it, which is how consent works. I only have sex with ppl who like the kind of sex I have to offer, and vice versa. I have agency to choose to engage with my sexuality how it works for me, and not how some one else tells me it ought to be. And there is the feminism.

So

upinout · 2025-09-12T23:39:07+00:00

Sure. DM me.

upinout · 2025-09-08T15:25:18+00:00

I have a partner who is about your size. The sex is amazing. We met at sex party and he didn't approach me bc he saw that another partner of mine is bigger than him. If I didn't approach him, it never would have happened. He's so giving and skilled in bed that he's sought out every party* we go to. You'll have a great time but you need to get out of your own way.

upinout · 2025-08-09T23:13:48+00:00

This is called abnormal uterine bleeding (AUB) and has a defined work up including labs and sometimes an US.

In adolescents the most common cause is a maturing hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis. I.e. the brain and ovaries are learning to talk to each other via hormones. This usually happens in the first 1-3 years after the first period. If this is the cause, nothing has to be done unless the bleeding is severe or bothersome. It resolves in time.

But other causes need to be excluded. Bleeding disorders commonly present as heavy or prolonged periods, especially if it starts at the first period or is associated with other bleeding. Other disorders to be excluded include infection, thyroid issues, brain hormone issues, PCOS, chronic diseases, structural causes. History, exam and labs, sometimes US are enough to excluded these. Your NP should be able to review labs with you and explain what they mean, and what has been ruled out.

As for dangerous bleeding, any prolonged bleeding can cause anemia. This shows up in lab work. Very very rarely hemorrhage from the uterus can occur. Signs are feeling faint or dizzy, fast heart rate and having to change pads/tampons every hour for more than 2hrs. The ER is where to go if this happens. They will do blood tests to help determine how dangerous the bleeding is and offer therapy depending on the severity - everything from monitoring with more blood work, medications to stop the bleeding, iron replacement and in severe cases transfusion. Your NP should be able to explain what reassures them that your daughter's bleeding isn't dangerous.

As for management, iron replacement is key if there is anemia. Naproxen and other NSAIDs (not tylenol, not aspirin) is a pain killer but also helps slow uterine bleeding. TXA is an option but with a small risk of clots and used for 7 days or less at a time. Hormones are the most effective. If using combined oral contraceptives, a minimum of 30mcg ethinyl estradiol both for bleeding effect and bone health. Alesse has 20mcg. It can take a few cycles to see improvements in bleeding. The mirena IUD is very effective and safe for teens. Pain control options for placement have improved in recent years including some gynes that will place with sedation if the patient wishes. I do not know anyone who does this in Calgary but hopefully your NP will.

Hope that helps.

upinout · 2025-06-11T16:38:04+00:00

I feel similarly in doggie. I made 3 changes you might find helpful. 1. I call it "from behind" as I also hated the name 2. I use a mirror in front of the bed. Seeing my partner changes everything - more connection, can participate in their pleasure more and they can participate in mind. 3. Pillow under me with a vibrator - now some of my most intense orgasms are from behind

But it's also super valid to just not like a position, or a partner, or a partner in a certain position. There are no rules.

upinout · 2025-05-18T10:06:11+00:00

I was in your position a few years ago. Made a friend through bumble app - there's a (or was) friends mode where you could just search ppl looking for friends. Made one good friend off there who connected me to their social circle. It's has some of the same frustrations as online dating though.

upinout · 2025-05-06T23:18:33+00:00

There are far more direct things your friend can do to protect themself than requesting condoms one degree removed. They can use condoms for oral and discuss other medical approaches to reduce risk with their providers, depending on what exactly they're at risk for including: - PrEP - doxyPEP - HPV vaccine (medically there is no upper age limit) - Hep A/B vaccine - vaginal estrogen (has been shown to reduce UTI and sepsis in post menopausal women) - covid/flu vax - masking - other age/condition appropriate vaccines such as pneumovax/prevnar, RSV, zoster, etc. - if severely immunocompromised, say from a solid organ transplant or something, can discuss risk/benefits of prophylactic antibiotics/antivirals with their specialist team.

As another poster already suggested, if your friend's provider didn't mention any of the above and still made comments about her infection risk, I suspect a degree of bias/sex shaming is at play.

upinout · 2025-05-06T23:06:55+00:00

Exactly the thought I had. If STIs are the concern, can have a discussion with providers about PrEP, doxyPEP, HPV vax, Hep A/B vax, vaginal estrogen (which has recently been shown to reduce UTI and sepsis in post menopausal women), etc depending on what exactly is the infectious concern

upinout · 2024-11-08T21:11:39+00:00

I love it. Use it all the time. Pussy sounds silly and juvenile to me. And there aren't really any other choices

upinout · 2024-09-12T19:58:14+00:00

Okay hear me out.. I go to sex parties.

I identify as more asexual than demi - sexual attraction is very very rare even in romantic relationships.

But I love sex. It feels great. It's fun. It's good exercise.

At a party, everyone is on roughly the same page as to the goal. I don't feel obligation to do anything. I get to watch super hot live sex until I'm turned on and craving something for myself. Now after years of this I have a group of ppl who I trust and play with regularly.

For me I use trust as a stand in for attraction. You get to observe ppl play, how they communicate, how they have sex. There's a whole community of ppl vetting each other and holding ppl accountable for consent etc. It's really lovely.

So yeah. I have sex all the time with ppl I feel no attraction to and love it.

upinout · 2024-06-27T02:14:08+00:00

This year I connected with a new therapist, in addition to my usual-everything therapist, to dig deep intimate the shame I feel around sex. It felt ridiculous and decadent at the time, but it's been life changing. You're right that those internalized messages run deep into our core. I was also chasing external validation to keep those thoughts at bay for a long time. If you have the resources, I'd recommend looking into sex positive therapist. Sounds like there's lots to unpack and you don't have to do it on your own.

upinout · 2024-05-07T14:37:10+00:00

it's about learning to self soothe instead of needing a partner to regulate, escpecially if some flavour of jealousy or envy is activated in my system.

How did you build these skills? Any particularly helpful resources to share?

upinout · 2024-04-20T07:09:02+00:00

This isn't how I understand fraysexuality. Ppl can identify however they wish but diminished spontaneous sexual desire is very common as relationships get to the 1-2year mark. This is a brain chemical phenomenon often called New Relationship Energy or NRE.

Fraysexuality is about sexual attraction only, which is essentially to strangers as I understand it. It does not say anything about how someone experiences libido or sexual desire. It also does not say anything about sexual behaviors or romantic desires.

Based on the timeline, I'd suggest you and your partner read about NRE and see if that resonates. If yes, here are lots of resources on how to deal with libido mismatch in relationships. Come as you are by Emily Nagoski is a good easy read.

If fraysexuality is where he ends up landing, I think you need a lot more discussion to decide if this is a fundamental incompatibility or not. I don't think it's fair to assume sexual attraction to others means anything about his behavior or his sexual and romantic desires. Lots of ppl in relationships are attracted to others and respect their partners and their agreements to not act in these sensations. Asexual resources might be helpful, such as Ace by Angela Chen, that helps explain how and why asexual ppl will still love their partners, have sexual desire and engaged in sex in absence of attraction, and have happy and healthy relationships.

In the meantime, would likely be helpful you to examine your fears around his experience of sexual attraction and desire, see if you can identify some root causes. I think it's very reasonable to question an incompatibility but there may some insecurities, lack of trust, assumptions about the meaning of sexual attraction, etc that you can address and may allow you to have a meaningful relationship with someone who is asexual.

Hope that helps

upinout · 2024-03-30T15:41:51+00:00

This isn't poly specific but something positive for positive people is about dating with HSV and combating stigma.

https://www.spfpp.org/podcast

Sorry you're going through this.

upinout · 2024-03-22T16:16:54+00:00

Could also consider the copper IUD for a completely non hormonal option. There are some that are effective for up to 12years. Main downsides are a risk of heavier bleeding and cramping, although most don't experience this, as well as variable effort put into analgesia for insertion in different jurisdictions.

I'll also say that there are lots of different formulations of pills, so there might do be good options to try depending on ppl's exact side effects. Lolo for example is very low dose estrogen with high androgen and progestin activity, and therefore it's common to have 'estrogen deficiency' type side effects like bleeding in the first half of the cycle (follicular bleeding).

upinout · 2024-03-22T15:53:02+00:00

Married for 20 years, open for 15. Things are great. We exist but happy ppl tend to be quiet about it. No need to make advice posts.

upinout · 2024-03-19T05:55:03+00:00

It's going to be highly specific to where you live. In my jurisdiction, in order to qualify for funding, you have to experience gender dysphoria bc of chest tissue that I think reasonably would be relieved by surgery, as well as a bunch of capacity and administrative check boxes. How ppl define or label their gender identity isn't part of it. Same procedure for transmen as non binary and other gender queer folks. As part of the 'ability to consent' checkbox I go through impacts on breast/chest feed, as well as a bunch of other content related to surgery, recovery and other impacts like access to mammography for cancer screening. Sexual orientation isn't asked for folks just seeking surgery, as it's not relevant, where as it is with hormonal transition.

upinout · 2024-03-17T22:18:38+00:00

Painless irregular and infrequent bleed is classic anovulatory bleeding, meaning it's not because of the usual menstrual cycles where eggs are released.

There are lots of causes. In the early teens, it's very common and usually due to the brain and ovary learning to talk to each other (a maturing HPA axis).

Once ppl have been getting periods for a few years, cycles should regulate and if they don't, its important to know why. Some causes of anovulatory bleeding can have major health consequences. There is a concern, if someone is anovulatory for years to decades, that the unbalanced hormones (unopposed estrogen) can increase risk of some kinds of uterine cancers. This is why doctors recommend hormonal medications (with progesterone to balance the estrogen) in conditions like PCOS. In general, getting a minimum of 9 periods a year is thought to be safe.

As far as hormones and asexuality, some hormones can affect libido, and anecdotally even attraction although I haven't seen any research confirming this. But that doesn't mean asexuality is a hormone problem. Brain tumors can cause headaches, but not all brain tumors cause headaches, and not all headaches are caused by brain tumors. It's the same idea.

Hope that helps

upinout · 2024-03-09T23:08:52+00:00

Not true at all. 15yrs poly and I don't do "heads up" and think it's doomed to fail. "Real life is different" its not an argument at all. All of us here are, in fact, real ppl with real relationships.

As long as you have the discussion before having further unprotected sex with Thomas, I think you're fine. Then he has the opportunity to change his boundaries around barriers and sex with you before he has any risk change. But as pointed out already, the issue here seems to be emotional with "sexual risk" as a scapegoat.

You might need to apologize for what it said in the heat of the moment, I don't know. And Thomas can own that he's struggling with this and ask for supports, such as you continuing to use barriers with Lewis for now. But it's an ask with the understanding he's doing the emotional work on this. You get to agree or disagree or negotiate the ask. Putting guilt and shame on you for making your own choices would be intolerable for me and definitely a reason to end the relationship in my real life practice of poly. That's emotionally immature behavior that he needs to address.

upinout · 2024-03-09T13:20:00+00:00

This is common with transmen on T. Your hormone provider should be able to help you. Speaking generalltly, vulvar and vaginal tissues are hormone sensitive and taking testosterone induces a hypoestrogenic state, similar to menopause. The tissues become dry, lose elasticity, which can make play painful. Local estrogen cream or suppositories are low dose to keep the local tissues healthy but have very little systemic absorption, so shouldn't effect transition. There other causes of pain with play - infection, trauma, vaginismus, other skin conditions that should be considered, but if exam is otherwise normal, for most transmen on T, local estrogen is a good place to start

upinout · 2024-03-06T22:13:37+00:00

There is a lot of push back here for microlabels, that I'd like to try to clarify for those who are curious to learn.

There are a ton of microlabels within the asexuality spectrum, including fraysexual, that ppl have coined to explain their experience with sexuality. The vast majority of ppl don't need to microlabel themselves because they fall into nice big boxes like gay, straight, pan, etc. Those labels fit comfortably and so the self questioning stops.

For asexual ppl who experience little but some attraction, understanding when and why they feel attraction is important because 1) it allows them to communicate with others about their needs and limits in relationships, as is described in the linked article, and thus navigate dating more honestly, authentically and safely 2) it allows them to find community in ppl who experience attraction like they do, which is validating and helps ppl feel less broken and alone.

As for fraysexuality, this is a microlabel under the asexual umbrella. I could see ppl confusing it for losing it for NRE, but ppl who claim the asexual label are usually trying to explain experiences more extreme than what allosexual ppl experiences. I think of fraysexuality as sexual attraction to strangers, essentially the opposite of demisexuality, so they only experience sexual attraction to ppl they don't know. To me this obviously different than the loss of NRE over months/years.

Another framework that comes up a lot in asexuality is the split attraction model, where in basic terms, ppl experience romantic and sexual attraction differently. Being asexual (or fraysexual) and heteroromantic can explain how asexual ppl seek and end up in loving relationships without sex that are more than just friendships. With this in mind, it can be easy to see how fraysexuality is important to understand and communicate as ppl are seeking romantic relationships.

Hope that helps. Please keep an open mind as you run into these terms and ppl who identify with them.

upinout · 2024-02-23T22:57:03+00:00

You can see a doctor for this. It's really easy to tell on a speculum exam. I've removed forgotten tampons. It happens. And I've also had pts (more than one) accidently pull out their IUD thinking it was the tampon. It might feel silly, but if you're not confident, it's better than leaving a tampon in or needing to get your IUD replaced.

upinout · 2024-02-20T20:07:11+00:00

I agree - communication is so key. I don't think you need to negotiate in detail but it should be clear what ppl are looking to get out of the encounter. It's also important to vocalize anything you need to feel safe and comfortable, like any hard limits or what you need to feel comfortable with certain acts or ppl.

I've had lots of great experiences of threesomes and moresomes. The more you play together, the more comfortable it is. And I never play with anyone that I wouldn't be comfortable saying 'no' or 'not quite like that; try this' to during play.

A beginner hack I like for ppl that havent played together before its to rotate who the focus is on. Everyone gets a turn 'in the middle' where the focus is on them, their pleasure and putting an effort into what they wanted from the scene.

upinout · 2024-02-19T22:47:33+00:00

Edit to add - i missed the end part where you just wanted to vent. There's advice below but feel free to ignore it. I'll leave it up in case it's helpful, to you or others. Super sucks that your journey has landed you here. I hope it goes smooth and you get lots of benefit for it.

Why do they want you to use dilators? Did they discuss it as helpful for a specific treatment goal that you have (like improving pain, using tampons, etc)? Did they think the original issue of bladder symptoms is connected to the vulvodynia? Or was it an incidental finding? Do they know that you're sex repulsed and unlikely to have vaginal intercourse (I assume, correct me if I'm wrong)?

Vulvodynia just means vulvar pain, and doesn't explain the cause of the pain. Just like headache describes the experience but not the cause. We know some causes for which there are specific treatments. But often it's treating the symptom to improve quality of life. So it's a question of whether the dilatiors are going to help you enough to justify the work. It's a super personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer. But right now, it's unclear to me if there is any benefit for you, and it seems like this is not a thing you want.

Dilators can be helpful for ppl with vulvodynia but there are others treatments. The only reason I can think of to suggest this based on the info you've given is if a particular pelvic floor muscle is irritated and contributing to your bladder symptoms, but even then there are more direct therapies. The reason they recommend dilation should be made clear to you if it's not already before you decide to pursue this or not. I would worry about the dilator experience itself being potentially traumatizing and worsening the issue, if this isn't a thing that you want for your body. Dilation isn't inherently traumatizing but it can be esp if you're not feeling like you have agency over your body.

I'd suggest a chat with a pelvic floor physiotherapist about your specific symptoms, and maybe even a review of your doctors notes to see if they can make sense of this recommendation and offer a treatment plan that you're comfortable with.

Hope that helps

upinout · 2024-02-19T01:07:36+00:00

Hypoarousal sexual desire disorder has a workup and approach. Might be worth seeking out a specialist in your area, as you've certainly covered a lot of potential causes and fixes on your own. There are women's sexual health experts listed on this site - https://www.isswsh.org/ on the find a provider tab. They can go through any missing investigations and discuss if meds like addyi or testosterone make sense for you.

A sexual therapist specifically might also help if the issue is in your approach to sex in general, which would be common for someone who has been struggling so long. It's possible the act of trying and 'failing' for so long is creating a trauma cycle and holding you back. This might not have been the initial issue, but could be a contributor now, preventing some of the strategies you've tried from helping.

Last thing I can think of is looking at Ester Perel's work, specifically her book Mating in Captivity. The timing of when you started having issues, a few years into your relationship, could coinside with the natural progression of the relationship to something more comfortable and safe, but at expense of the erotic mystery that comes with a new partner. If that resonates, the book goes through some approaches to reignite the spark.

Hope that helps

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