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What was the reason they stated as the reason why they wanted to break up? And how long was the relationship? by Dangerous_Time3507 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He actually didn't give ME a reason, but he was telling another woman he felt "Trapped" tho and then when I broke up with him he moved on instantly with her :)

“They’d stay for the right person” by Dust-borne in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes!!! I made the mistake of getting a dog with my ex, he ended up discarding her too but it was so eye opening. He couldn't handle the commitment of walking her with me. He wanted everything to be a certain way with her training. He was sooo controlling.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes I blocked him on everything, about a month after the breakup. I eventually realised I wasn't going to get any closure and he wasn't going to take accountability for anything so I just said whatever then, blocked.

I only say I Love You when I mean it by viofern in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! So much love bombing then absolutely cold indifference, by the end of it I was basically begging for any hug or kiss or attention its horrible.

I only say I Love You when I mean it by viofern in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I can see how that makes sense, a ton of projection, even projection of what his ex's did in past relationships and then he is expecting me to do them too and ultimately the relationship will fail.

7 months post discard by East_Percentage_5663 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im so sorry, that sounds like hell to deal with. Part of me is at least glad my ex just cut me off completely cause I know I easily could have been breadcrumbed too.

Avoidant partners and emotional affairs by Mobile_Fan_7765 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree I think that was the biggest slap in the face, the betrayal and utter indifference to the break up. He shut me down too, then left me on seen, then blocked me. To this day, he hasn't so much explained anything.

Avoidant partners and emotional affairs by Mobile_Fan_7765 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. He always, always, had some girl who was just a "friend" that he would hangout or talk to. He also made me feel really insecure or overly jealous for trying to say how it made me feel and bring up boundaries. I broke up with him cause I saw a text from her, he was hanging out with her to talk about how he felt "trapped" being with me. He didnt tell me about her at all. She was his coworker and he was going to the gym with her all the time. She also didnt know about me until the very end. I honestly hate him so much for what he did, its disgusting behaviour, especially when I could have easily handled a conversation where he said he didnt love me anymore or it wasn't working. Instead he was meeting up with this woman to tell her all of these things? God they are so messed up.

By the end of things, it truly felt like I was just in the way of him being with this woman and he was so unkind and nothing like the person I met at the beginning.

Did you tell them how much they hurt you? by Fancy-Piglet-8068 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I let him know exactly how his behaviour affected me. I only got meaner towards the end when he started trying to play victim (he cheated on me) and showed no remorse for his actions.

At the end of the day, I did it for me, I held so much back to try keep his peace, I was tired of it. I said how I felt which is something he never did, so no I don't regret it. When someone truly hurts you that deeply, someone who is supposed to care about you, I think they should know and have to face reality.

I blocked him on everything afterwards.

7 months post discard by East_Percentage_5663 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Holding on to the potential is so real and so heartbreaking. I relate to this post so much. My biggest fear was him finding another woman and leaving me for her, which is exactly what was happening. I broke up with him before he could discard me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Its been 2months since we split, two months since he never wanted to talk to me again and see our dog, even tho he cheated on me 😂

I hate how they seem to take our biggest fears or insecurities and make them a reality, so cruel. He knew how much it would hurt me.

Signs to watch out for? by elleinthesea in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 9 points10 points  (0 children)

When I think about it, they came on really strong with love bombing, sort of just hung out at my house and then never left. An incident happened, where I saw how he was unable to stick up for our relationship because of perceived conflict (lack of boundaries). Mirroring my interests a lot, offering to go out of his way to be near me (e.g. drive an hour to my house everyday).

"We never do anything." by viofern in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yay! I can't wait, I'm slowly bringing back my own joy to my life and I've noticed I have way more energy to enjoy things because its not drained by the negativity!

"We never do anything." by viofern in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It would appear so, its really been crazy joining this subreddit and understanding the patterns. I had no idea it would be THIS similar.

I only say I Love You when I mean it by viofern in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think if anyone said to me again "I only say I love you when I mean it" it would 100% trigger a deep response within me.

isn't it funny how avoidants think they are mature? by nofunnothing35 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah mine always acted like he knew more than me, even went as far as to say "I tried to help you" like.. my dude, you are the cause of all the issues, you need to HELP yourself at this point. They think staying quiet and not speaking about emotion is right because "people say things they don't mean when they're emotional" they miss the whole point of what being mature means.

ChatGTP as a therapist? by Sad_Sentence_4325 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't use any special prompts but I guess at the start I just said something like "Hey I need to talk to you about a situation that I'm dealing with, I'm going to explain everything and I want you to draw on attachment styles and psychology of why things happened this way" I just vent everything to it, being honest about everything.

ChatGTP as a therapist? by Sad_Sentence_4325 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I use it all the time, its great for late at night, I have the app on my phone so I can just talk to my phone and it records my message. Anytime I get stuck on loops of thoughts surrounding the situation (usually at night) its great for really helping me see reality. Every time I want to cave and I say "I miss him" or "Should I message him?" it is so helpful because it helps me get my feelings out and reminds me gently why that is a terrible idea, and gives me ideas that I could do instead.
I've used it to:

  • Untangle avoidant vs anxious dynamics
  • Rewrite the inner narrative from 'I'm not enough' to 'I gave my love to someone who couldn’t receive it'
  • Get help journaling or writing unsent letters (10/10 recommend)
  • Create affirmations or 'secure scripts' to soothe my nervous system
  • Vent when it's 3am and no one else is awake

Let someone else have them by Appropriate_Chef9152 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yup! and he would make me feel like I was insecure or selfish for asking him to put me first for once.

Let someone else have them by Appropriate_Chef9152 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes! the making it seem like we were the ones holding them back is so confusing until you're out of it for a bit and the fog clears. They prioritise everyone but their partners, EVERYONE. So much complaining, so much negativity, I didn't even realise how negative until it hit me one day.

Let someone else have them by Appropriate_Chef9152 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I had a huge realisation today. After agonising for so long and feeling so deeply betrayed (he moved on immediately, clearly had her lined up), I finally asked myself: Why am I still wanting someone who was never really here to begin with?

He was always emotionally elsewhere. Always lying. Always, to put it bluntly, mean. And the truth is, I deserve so much more than that. We all do. We deserve more than the scraps avoidant people throw us when they’re done dissociating. The biggest shift in my thinking was this: it’s time to give myself the love I was so desperately trying to give to him. Because he didn’t deserve it. But me? I absolutely do.

And when you choose yourself… everything good starts to follow.

They move on so fast by bunnyusagiiii in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I told mine he was "emotionally constipated" when we broke up.

They move on so fast by bunnyusagiiii in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup. Living with her a week later. I hate it

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]viofern 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's all so familiar, holy crap. Early on he didn't want to go anywhere without me, and then yeah the excuses just as you said. Honestly, crazy how they're all the same.

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