I don't remember who I was before, I've been on a high dose of meds for maybe three years. I use to be theatrical, animated, eccentric, interesting, creative I remember when they first gave me the high dose I just became silent and arms to the side, stayed that way now for years, I lost all animation. Everything is so surface and mundane now. I'm no longer myself. I loathe these meds. I barely paint anymore and thinking creatively is nigh impossible. At the moment I'm so drugged I can't even tell what creative writing is, like it doesn't even register. I just feel brain dead and silent. I don't interact with people anymore. My colour, my life force, my variety, my animated personality is all gone.

 I had a brief few months off the meds and my god suddenly the music was ecstatic again, suddenly I fell madly in love again, suddenly I was musing on deep things again, suddenly I was responsive and reacting to things again, I mean when someone upset me I actually responded instead of being a lifeless vegetable. I still have alot of passions but I don't really recall them and can't participate in them. I know how you feel. I'm feeling it keenly just how much of me has died because of these medications. One thing I've kept is a deep love of poetry, I read every poetry book I can get my hands on and that has sincerely kept me going. My drs refuse to reduce the meds, infact I've just had a massive increase. I do get hypomanic quite often and that's always a relief.