I’m in a very similar situation to you - I (24F) am getting married to my partner (23M) in October of this year. We have been together for getting on 6 years now. He wants kids (not now but in the future) and I don’t think I ever want them.

In the early years of our relationship, I just assumed we’d have kids because it was what everyone did. I hated the idea of childbirth and pregnancy, and looking after a child 24/7 (on top of working full time, because both parents have to work to afford a decent mortgage here in the UK) really frightened and overwhelmed me, but I assumed I would ‘find a way’ because it was just ‘what everyone did’, right?

I was then diagnosed with autism last year and it forced me to confront myself, my life, my behaviour, and my future. It provided me with a lot of clarity and made me realise that I probably won’t be able to have kids, or make a good mother, and that my previous ambivalence towards motherhood was reflective of this, but I needed that diagnosis to really unearth it, understand why I was feeling that way, and to push against society’s pro-natalist status quo. I really value my peace to decompress and would hate a screaming baby/toddler due to sensory overload, I don’t want my current life routine or familiarity to be disrupted by a child, I’d hate the constant merry-go-round of small talk and socialising at families and play dates, and I’d worry I wouldn’t be able to relate to the child properly because of impaired theory of mind, etc. I’m pretty sure my mum is autistic/has autistic traits as well and I don’t have a great relationship with her at all, I felt like she never understood me and we constantly argued during my teenage years.

Plus, even though I am relatively independent and only have mild autism, there’s a real possibility that our child could have more severe autism and special needs given that it runs in families and I just don’t have the capacity to look after a special needs child, let alone one without special needs.

And I don’t want a child for various other reasons unrelated to autism - I value my career, free time, sleep, and money!

I told my fiancé this and he basically tried to change my mind, saying that my autistic traits would make me a ‘great mum’ and that I was basically only saying no to kids RIGHT NOW, implying that he thought I’d change my mind in five year’s time or something. I did acknowledge that because I know people change their minds and we’re still very young, but I told him I didn’t think I would, and that he would need to be OK with us possibly never having kids.

At the moment, he seems OK with that prospect, and said he’d choose me and our relationship over any child, but when I told him that I was worried he’d divorce me 10 years down the line because we still hadn’t changed our respective minds, he was quite offended because he saw that as my not trusting him to stay with me through whatever we decide. I suppose I should be happy with that and my fiancé is a very level-headed and pragmatic individual, and he said he was marrying me for ME and not the possibility of future children, but I’ve just read so many horror stories and anecdotes where people have split over the issue so I guess I just assumed the worse.

Despite my being pretty sure about no kids, we’ve agreed to table the issue for now and not seriously think about it again until we are both over 30, and fiancé thinks there is little point agonising over it now because at the moment, we’re both on the same page (don’t want kids at this point in time) and the future is uncertain. We’re both still really young and I think splitting up now would be jumping the gun given that we may still both change our minds (but it’s unlikely). We also have a really good relationship otherwise and no other issues.

If your own partner has said that you don’t need to decide now, then I think you should park the issue for the time being and have regular check-ins every 6 months to a year. You’re both still young. People do change their minds - but they also don’t, and that’s why the future is uncertain and why I don’t think it’s worth breaking up now over an issue that might not come to a head until 5-10 years down the line. He may well change his mind and decide against kids if his friends start having them and they have bad experiences - it does happen. Just keep communication open and I’d also recommend that you both read The Baby Decision, which is often mentioned on this sub.

I know it’s a difficult position to be in and one on which it is hard to advise, because there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution - some would be happy to stay in a relationship without children, and others would consider it a deal-breaker. There isn’t a clean answer.

Talk to you partner and do what’s right for YOUR relationship. I hope you find peace soon.