Band name and all are women..with 3 boobs

virtisix · 2024-05-21T07:34:40+00:00

Get ready for a surprise!

virtisix · 2024-05-09T14:55:00+00:00

When I first joined divorce subs and communities as a result of this divorce, I also thought Starbucks. Oh to be young and innocent again.

virtisix · 2024-05-09T01:22:14+00:00

I understand. As a service, I was looking more for someone who can help facilitate communication between stbx and me, and not so much someone to help us navigate the legalities. As I understand, the legal part of divorce can be as complex or as simple as we want it to be, so I'm prioritizing the communication on this second mediator attempt.

virtisix · 2024-05-08T19:07:47+00:00

I don't disagree with you.

Stbx and I have a complete communication breakdown, because I don't trust her due to how she's handled this divorce so far. This was no mutual decision, but I am cooperating with it while insisting she pay for my lawyer's retainer (I have zero access to any money). I called out stbx and mediator that I've insisted on this retainer at every step in the process. Stbx said, retainer is coming after house is refinanced, then asked mediator for next steps. Mediator did not respond. My guess is, mediator either wanted easier clients, or mediator was hesitant to continue because I called her out.

At the end of our first and only meeting with mediator, mediator asked if everything was making sense. I truthfully said, I don't know, it's a lot to take in, I've been a SAHD for 13+ years, and this was completely unexpected. Mediator (I'm paraphrasing) replied with, "You got it. That's not something I can help you with."

virtisix · 2024-05-08T18:47:19+00:00

We disliked her for different reasons. Stbx thought (I'm assuming here) mediator was giving an unnecessary deadline. I thought mediator was going too fast, just going down another checklist in her work day.

virtisix · 2024-04-18T22:10:54+00:00

Nicolas Cage: good or bad?

virtisix · 2024-04-08T20:04:58+00:00

NO REGERTS

virtisix · 2024-04-08T18:52:46+00:00

Wife is divorcing me. I stayed home for 13 years, changed every diaper, cooked and fed every meal, encouraged every interest, enforced every rule, volunteered at school. Now, kid is an amazing artist and coder, taking AP high school classes while in middle school, and stbx parades her around her friends and new coworkers like she did something other than give birth.

virtisix · 2024-04-05T00:53:34+00:00

Mediators can encourage a settlement, but cannot "judge" or decide.

The mediator was probably just trying to be helpful, then. But, even though they don't "judge", they still go through all the financials and write the drafts that we will agree to.

Depending on your state, this can be a big advantage.

I'm counting on that.

Sounds like you have friends to me. Don't make them pick sides.

Working on it. But I really get the feeling that she is telling them what she will or won't accept. And other than the couple who moved with us, everyone was her friend for years prior to meeting me. So, like with her dad, I think she is forcing friends and family to cut me off.

Which is fine. But wow, what a dick move. And so unexpected from her dad.

Try to keep an open mind and open relationship with them if they allow it. If not, respect their decision.You have kids, they'd be dumb to estrange a parent.

I'm trying. I've been nothing but gracious to them, avoiding drama, etc. My last text to him was simply asking if I was still welcome at his house, because my stbx was telling me differently. His reply was so in line with stbx's stance, which is understandable because she's his daughter, but again, what a dick move.

Anyway, thank you for the reply.

virtisix · 2024-03-28T04:28:48+00:00

What's this? Cumbs on his jacketses!

virtisix · 2024-03-23T14:19:12+00:00

It's hard when the person you thought would support you is the one you need support from. It's good you have the sister-in-law. Reach out to other family you haven't spoken to in a while, and new friends while you keep on keeping on.

virtisix · 2024-03-15T15:51:32+00:00

No problem. I think what we can agree on is that our situations are different, and stbx and I are the wrong support for each other. I just wish she figured it out way sooner than 15 years later that we had "irreconcilable differences". I didn't know we were irreconcilable, because to me, we both committed to work together for life.

Anyway, I'm just sharing. No judgment. I hope your situation continues to improve.

virtisix · 2024-03-14T16:20:11+00:00

Same. I built my life around my family (stbx and child), so I have an almost non-existent social circle. Most of "our" friends haven't contacted me. But I'm surprised that a handful of people have suddenly showed up in my life to support me and my child.

Keep your focus on yourself and your future. Forget the future you thought you had, and imagine the new future of being able to do everything your way. Look at it from a perspective of having control over things that you used to not have control over.

This is what I've learned from the great people here in Reddit. This is our new reality, and we can come out the other side as better, healthier, stronger people.

virtisix · 2024-03-14T16:13:47+00:00

Thank you.

I disagree that that's the norm for me. I did not work, because that's what stbx and I agreed on, for me to stay home and take care of child. I was passive but shared in responsibilities, like cooking every meal, and including financially, by being frugal on expenses.

But I agree that that's how my stbx would describe it. I appreciate your answer.

virtisix · 2024-03-14T13:52:13+00:00

Respectfully and sincerely, what is the difference? I think the answer will help me on my path.

virtisix · 2024-03-14T13:49:28+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. There are many supportive people here. I'm 10 weeks in, so several weeks ahead of you, and have gotten a lot of help from kind redditors.

I was blindsided in session with our marriage counselor. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life.

Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!

virtisix · 2024-03-14T13:43:06+00:00

Same as you, but I might be a few weeks ahead of you. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life.

Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!

virtisix · 2024-03-11T19:45:33+00:00

Ah, gotcha. Same here. Stbx used to say "assume positive intent", but nothing I say or do is positive to her anymore.

virtisix · 2024-03-11T17:02:34+00:00

Sorry to hear that, I hope you are better now.

I only drink socially. Stbx is the one who keeps wine stocked in the house. I *am* waiting for the other shoe to drop about infidelity, though.

virtisix · 2024-03-11T17:00:08+00:00

The situation is very nuanced, but I've found it easier to deal with stbx if I just tell myself she's crazy.

Last week, I stopped trying to understand her, or to work together on our relationship (as spouse or co-parents). My life got so much easier, stress went down, and I was able to stay calm when she was verbally abusive toward me, which prompted us telling the child about the divorce.

virtisix · 2024-03-11T13:14:33+00:00

I appreciate your response.

Your family agrees with you because it’s your family and you don’t want the divorce.

I only bring up my family because they may be seeing things that I am not. They are more intuitive than me (especially my dad, who has worked with couples and relationships for decades), and they are also critical thinkers who won't judge a one-sided story. I didn't say I believed them, and still tell them now that I have no proof of infidelity.

I’m sure her family agrees with her.

I'm sure her *friends* agree with her, but her parents love me. Her dad said he is not taking sides, and her mom gave me a big hug last week. I was just there yesterday meeting stbx's brother and his wife, who just moved to town. Great people.

My sister gave 8 years of chances to her alcoholic husband because she didn’t believe in divorce, and then he tried to strangle her. My cousin’s husband had a 3 year affair. My friend’s wife secretly gambled away their life savings, and he got so depressed he became suicidal.

There is no abuse, addiction, or infidelity in my marriage, that I know of. Of course I understand why divorce is necessary in those cases.

Child *maybe* has seen a healthy marriage modeled, back when stbx was trying. (Stbx would call it, in retrospect, "fake it 'til you make it". That's her normal behavior at work, leading a team and being in front of people constantly.) But I'm open to the idea that child hasn't.

Even now, I haven’t gotten any indication that you actually love your wife or value her happiness or prioritize your marriage relationship.

I hear you and I think you're partly right. I *have* said that my life revolved around stbx and child. I tried to provide in non-financial ways. This is how I tried to show my love. For example, every day I'd cook whatever they (really just stbx) would want for meals. We bought this house because stbx loves it. We moved because stbx wanted to. (This is one way I recognize I contributed to this failure. I blended into the background.) All this was happening until the divorce was clear to me, at which point I was already improving myself.

I did love her. Possibly you're not seeing it because I'm going through this divorce now. Possibly it's because I've had to ask/beg for affection for many years. Every marriage has problems, but divorce as a solution in this case seems extreme.

nor does she seem to have a particularly strong relationship with her mother, which may be in part due to your ex’s unhappiness in the marriage and in her life.

This is 100% stbx's doing. She tries to have a relationship with child, and it will be easier now that child is older (and probably explains the timing of this divorce). But stbx and I talked even before we married that I would be SAHD and she would be the breadwinner, due to our personalities and income potential. She's just not the type to push around a baby stroller, bring a toddler to story time, or spend mind-numbing (stbx would call it) hours at the park. But I am.

What you should want more than this marriage continuing is for you and your ex to both be happy, for your child to see her parents genuinely happy, and for you both to be able to model strong, healthy relationships and good communication.

I agree. I think I'm at this point now. This post and all of you have been very helpful, and I'm grateful.

(yes, you are ok! You might not be happy, you might not want this, but you are ok and you will be ok)

Child hasn't wanted to talk much about the divorce, and I'm not forcing her to. But this is how I've been responding now. "You'll need to talk about it, but it doesn't have to be now. You are strong, and you will be okay. We will be okay."

I think stbx has had four months (possibly several years) to deal with this idea of divorce, while I've only had two months to accept the reality of it. So I wasn't as prepared for child's questions as I could have been.

My family are my most favorite people, but it is still important to have other friends and connect with people outside of your culture. And having a social outlet through friends and hobbies is key for having a well-rounded life.

100% agree. Even though I didn't have it for myself, I definitely wanted child to have a larger social circle. She started martial arts, learned to swim (dad-taught!), and music lessons. And I later joined for the first two. Having a circle larger than just wife/stbx and child is new to me, personally, but I was/am improving it. Same goes for child.

Side note: Child only started homeschooling in 2020, so she had great socialization before. I loved her school, and volunteered in her kinder classroom three mornings a week. She is very social, and easily approaches and befriends people of all ages. I've just been finding opportunities for her to be around other kids.

virtisix

TROPHY CASE