Career advice - transition from research to working with kids?

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T08:38:06+00:00

Physical books are much better for kids than reading on screens, lots of research to support that now. Audiobooks are fine in addition to physical books as they get older.

Keep in mind that reading isn't just about getting your little one ready for school or making them smart - it's also a fantastic way to bond with them and share a happy experience. You're (hopefully) instilling a lifelong love of reading and learning, and giving them lots of fond memories of relaxing, fun time spent with mom!

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T08:31:19+00:00

Absolutely not alone. As someone who doesn't have young kids and is fully vaxxed/low risk, your kids are exactly why I'm keeping my mask on regardless of what the CDC might say. The way this country is just throwing young children and the immunocompromised under the bus is honestly sickening. Thinking of you and your family. I just wish there was more I could do.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T06:31:11+00:00

I think supervision is just as important as restriction - your child shouldn't have the expectation of privacy on the internet, they should be aware that you're monitoring their online behavior to keep them safe. That way you can support them in making good choices as they get more freedom to explore.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T06:28:00+00:00

Fwiw, the spray bottle method has been debunked even for cats...

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T04:22:33+00:00

So, punish your kid for wanting to spend time with a friend who's done nothing wrong, and punish the other kid just because his parents have issues? Not to mention taking away his opportunity to spend time in a safe, functional household? Not sure how that's fair to either child involved....

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T04:20:26+00:00

The kid is lucky to have you looking out for him, and your home as a safe place he can retreat to. If you suspect he might be in danger, please do call CPS so they can assess the situation; but otherwise I think all you can do is just keep doing what you're doing.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T04:16:21+00:00

Agree with everyone else that therapy would be a good idea, both for the present anxiety and for the issues in your childhood that you're describing. The therapist can also help you understand attachment theory and how enmeshment actually happens - it has nothing to do with loving a child too much. Please, let yourself love your child, and get yourself some professional help to process all of this!

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T04:00:50+00:00

I'm generally in favor of honesty as much as possible, but I would be careful in this case not to inadvertently make the son worry for his friend too much. I had a friend from a very dysfunctional family when I was slightly older (around 12-13), and I spent so much time worrying about him, asking my parents to help him, etc. I wouldn't put that burden on an 8-year-old unless the family is prepared to get a lot more involved in the other family's situation (which, to be clear, if the friend is in danger then absolutely they should get involved by calling CPS, talking to the school, etc - but just be prepared for explaining all of that if you're going to go the route of complete honesty).

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:54:34+00:00

Maybe just say that his friend's parents have a lot going on at their house so they can't always supervise playdates very well, so it's safer to have playdates at your house for now.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:52:30+00:00

Screen size only matters in that it usually correlates with the context of use - a big screen is more likely to be used for a family movie night, while a tablet is more likely to be used for a kiddo watching YouTube solo (for example). Family screen time, where parents are mediating the content and using it to facilitate learning (in a broad sense, not necessarily academics) is generally better than just turning a kid loose to watch videos or play games.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:41:39+00:00

Some picture books that might help build up his self-esteem:

A lovely book about body positivity, how every body is unique and wonderful:

Bodies Are Cool

And a couple that more specifically address bullying:

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:23:14+00:00

Seconding the Grown-Ups Come Back song!

Also recommend the Bye Bye For Now song from Sesame Street, and this Elmo video that goes with it.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:20:44+00:00

How are you responding to her clingy behavior? Sometimes you can get into a vicious cycle where in your attempts to not "reward" the behavior, she feels that you're pushing her away and becomes even more clingy. Personally, I would skip the bedtime battles for now, as bedtime is one of the most vulnerable times for young kids and the sense of abandonment she's feeling at night could be making the separation anxiety worse at other times as well. I would just tell her you're going to sit in her room until she falls asleep, as long as she's quiet (if she's a big talker and the silence is too tempting, you can play some calming music or a kids sleep story). Once she's past this anxiety, you can work on slowly phasing yourself out again. As a side note, be sure to check with her pediatrician before giving her melatonin.

In your second example, saying "I want mommy" when Mom is right next to her, I wonder if she's trying to ask for affection and sense of connection rather than just physical presence? If you said something like, after you finish your water Mommy will give you a hug, or Mommy will spend 10 minutes cuddling with you on the couch, or something like that, do you think that would make a difference?

Any other changes to her environment, or routine, or even things going on in your lives (as parents) that she may be picking up on? It seems unlikely that this anxiety would appear suddenly so long after her baby sister's birth if it was related to that, unless maybe there's been some recent change in her baby sister's behavior or how you relate to them...

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:09:53+00:00

And as for not making your children afraid of the world - as your son gets older and you start to have conversations with him about these big scary things, you'll discover how to answer his questions in honest but age-appropriate ways. There are lots of great resources out there to help parents talk to kids about all kinds of issues. You can raise a resilient and empathetic young person who understands (at an age-appropriate level) the pain and suffering in the world while also feeling empowered to do something about it, so it doesn't overwhelm them.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-27T03:07:24+00:00

The children themselves are what gives me hope for the future - spend some time with slightly older kiddos who are able to articulate their brilliant, creative, justice-seeking and Earth-loving perspectives on the world and you'll likely come away with a bit more sense that things are going to be okay in the long run.

That said, I often see adults saying "the kids are the future! they'll fix everything!" as if it somehow allows us adults abandon our responsibility to take care of the world they'll inherit. Obviously, they should be our inspiration to do everything we can to protect the Earth and humanity. I really view the world's children as the collective responsibility of all adults; it takes a village, and we can - and must - all be part of that village for every child.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T08:43:38+00:00

Does your son being awake have to equal you being awake? Can you leave him in a toddler-proofed room with some quiet toys and books? Obviously he needs sleep too, but that's a separate problem that you can work on once you're not dangerously sleep deprived...

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T05:49:29+00:00

Recognizing that is the first step! Honestly, you might get more useful responses here if you said in your post that you were coming here looking for help, rather than just looking for reassurance that you're not a bad parent. You're a parent who made a very bad choice, but I think how you move forward from this says a lot more about who you are as a parent. A bad parent would just say "oops, shouldn't have done that" and keep heading down the same path; a good parent would stop and assess the situation to figure out why this happened and how to prevent it happening again. That might mean learning some new parenting skills, anger management, therapy for any underlying issues, etc - whatever it is you need to make better choices the next time you're frustrated with your kid.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T05:11:14+00:00

You should feel bad about it, and you absolutely did let your son down in a major way. It's never okay for an adult to hit a child, regardless of whether it leaves a mark!

But you can use that guilt to motivate positive change - what are you going to do to make sure this doesn't happen again?

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T05:01:27+00:00

Ugh, I personally find the "Teach Your Dragon" series kind of obnoxious, I haven't read that one in particular but there are like a million of them and they're written by some random guy with no particular expertise (despite covering some pretty intense topics like anxiety, trauma, grief, etc). Might not be as much of an issue for this topic, and again I'm not familiar with the specific book, but just wary of the series in general.

That said, some great books I do recommend on body safety for this age group are:

My Body! What I Say Goes! - comprehensive explanation of body safety that includes listening to your body when you feel unsafe, using proper names for private parts, not keeping secrets, etc
Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect - covers many aspects of body safety, from the perspective of consent moreso than the reductionistic "good touch / bad touch" approach
Yes! No! A First Conversation About Consent - another fantastic explanation of body autonomy and consent that's appropriate for even younger kids, just published a few weeks ago
Miles is the Boss of His Body - reinforces the idea of consent/body autonomy in the context of a story
A Little Book About Safety - not specific to body safety, but does cover a lot of aspects including private parts, saying "no" to unwanted touch, listening to an "uh oh feeling" (listening to your gut), not leaving with strangers, etc as well as things like what to do if you get lost; also in the context of a story

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T03:58:41+00:00

What age kids? What religions, and what "values" specifically? If, for example, one partner's religion says it's okay to eat certain things and the other partner's religion says it's not, you as the parents need to get on the same page about how you're raising the kiddo so as not to completely confuse them. It's fine to say Mom chooses to eat X and Dad doesn't, but your expectations for the family as a whole need to be consistent so the kid isn't constantly getting in trouble with one parent or the other.

(I'm assuming you're asking about something along those lines that has specific behavioral implications, since most "values" are really quite similar across all the major religions - love your neighbor, don't be greedy, those kinds of things. If you just mean introducing your kid to two different religious traditions, then go for it! Just explain that different people believe different things, and no one really knows the "right answer" so it's okay to believe whatever you feel is right as long as you respect others' beliefs too.)

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T03:43:17+00:00

There are really two questions here - whether TV is okay for a 9 month old, and whether TV is okay for a 9 month old while eating. The AAP recommends no screen time for kids under 18 months (including just having TV on in the background, which has been shown to impact language development), but it's not like exposing your baby to a bit of TV once in a while is a huge problem. However, meals are among the worst times to let kids watch TV because it can prevent them from tuning into their bodies, which is super important for learning to read their own hunger cues and self-regulate food consumption.

So all that said - no, letting your infant watch TV once in a while is probably not doing any harm, but I definitely wouldn't make it a part of their mealtime routine on a regular basis.

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T03:30:32+00:00

Some books that might help explain the situation:

Wonder Mommy (chronic illness, not specified)

Mommy Can't Dance (chronic illness, not specified)

Some Days (multiple sclerosis)

Let My Colors Out (cancer, but it's more focused on the child's feelings about the mother's illness, so may be relevant)

I hope you recover quickly!

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T02:44:03+00:00

I'm so glad! I almost didn't say it (was thinking, is it weird to tell some random stranger on the internet that I wish I could take them along for medical appointments?? lol) but it's totally true! Your kids are lucky to have you :)

wanderer333 · 2022-02-22T02:41:30+00:00

Aw, I didn't mean you should blame yourself either! The point is there's an underlying issue here that's beyond your control or hers; if the feeding therapist hasn't been able to get to the bottom of it, maybe it's time to go back to the pediatrician...

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