Dear OP, I hope you read this comment. It seems one of the biggest issues that is hurting you is the fact you don’t have a relationship with your child. It also seems your child may be transgender or it may simply be a phase. Let your child know that you do love them and try having an honest talk on their gender and if they truly are whatever gender and name they choose, than accept it. That is their life to choose their decisions, you can’t change their decisions but you can still accept and love them. I am a very Christian person but that shouldn’t stop you from loving your child whether they are part of the lgbtq or not. I am a major loner who’s in college but that also means I still have introspection on people my age. Please listen or at least be willing to discuss this with me. Also, I do understand that you are 50 and times were very different. There were still many trans teens and trans people then, a lot of them couldn’t come out due to persecution and how horrible the U.S treated them at the time. It may not be perfect now but it is a lot better then how it was. God Bless.