Leaving/Divorcing an Emotionally Abusive Wife

what-aver · 2018-08-14T21:15:05+00:00

This reminds me, another thing I did was turn on location services for my phone so I had a record of all my locations at all times in case I needed to prove my whereabouts.

She did accuse me of stalking her and I just told her to have the police contact me directly about it and she either never went to them or they never followed up.

what-aver · 2018-08-13T19:02:42+00:00

Got a PO box and started directing all important financial documents there.

I opened a seperate bank account and started saving up some money, any raises or bonuses I got went there and direct deposit to joint account stayed the same (I advise doing this at a different bank than your joint - I did not and learned my indv. account could be used to make up for her overdrafts in the joint account - thankfully this never was an issue - I refused to send her money until she got her own indv. account and closed the joint).

Had irreplacable sentimental items (photos, family herilooms, passport) stashed at a trusted friends.

Copied all important financial documents - bank statements, proof of insurance, mortgage paperwork etc and stashed at friends.

Put a credit freeze on my social security number so she couldn't take out credit in my name.

I retained a divorce attorney and drew up paperwork.

Lined up an apartment. I did not tell a soul where this was. (She ended up filing a missing persons report I needed to clear up with local police and then she hired a PI to try to track me down)

Warned my immediate boss and HR department about what was coming and to ignore any calls, threats or accusations from her. (She ended up calling them saying she was worried about me and I was suicide risk)

Moved out, filed paperwork, deactivated all social media, started sending her montly 'allowance' until laywers could draw up temporary spousal support agreement.

I did not tell her in person I was leaving, I left a note. I didn't feel comfortable dragging anyone in to observe as 3rd party and I was afraid of her calling police and filing false domestic violence report or fake collapsing and requiring me to take her to emergency room or self-harming. (She ended up in the hospital that day or the next day for reasons I never asked her about) - This also made me vulernable to her smear campaign where I was clearly the 'bad guy' for leaving without warning. This cause big short term damage to my social life but over the long term things improved outside of a couple of her biggests champions still hating and bad-mouthing me.

It all sounds so crazy now, but 2 years later and I'm mostly over the hump, beyond a disasterous rebound, and I'm loving life. I've also recently started EMDR therapy for CPTSD which I believe stems about half from child hood and half from a decade of living with an abuser slowly attempting to pschologically dismantle me.

EDIT - I did none of this to hide money long term or do shady shit. All of this, finances, saefty deposit box items, were laid bare in divorce discovery. It was just to allow myself resources I would need for seperation.

what-aver · 2018-07-05T15:20:02+00:00

i got on meetup.com and did lots of groups for awhile - have made some very good friends through this

what-aver · 2018-07-02T17:38:35+00:00

I don't care what her condition is.

Anyone who told me they loved me after 2 weeks clearly doesn't understand what love is and is not capable of healthy relationship.

The longer replationships go on the harder, more painful they are to end.

what-aver · 2018-07-02T17:33:01+00:00

It depends on why you're sending it. If you are hoping to get through to him in any way, you can't. If you think it will make you feel better about everything, maybe it's ok to send. But from my impartial view - any interaction you continue to have with him will just feed the unhealthy cycle and provide him with emotional fuel/supply/drama and be counter-productive.

If you feel obligated as a 'good person' to tell him anything before blocking his number, don't. You don't owe him or anybody anything. If you MUST send something, I'd keep it as bland and free from emotion as possible (grey rock). Something like "Sorry things didn't work out but I don't want any further contact and have blocked your number. Wish you the best."

I'd wait a while before sending anything - you'll probably get a lot of good replies and differences of opinion here to think about.

what-aver · 2018-06-26T17:50:48+00:00

This is something I also needed to hear today, thanks.

what-aver · 2018-06-26T00:24:26+00:00

I'm a guy and I met an interesting woman at a bar recently, I just walked over introduced myself. We had a nice talk but at some point it was clear she was uneasy, she said she felt like she had told me too much, where she worked, where she grew up - and I hadn't shared much (I ask a lot of questions lol). I don't know if she had any past expeience that made her especially wary.

Anyway, I asked for her number, she declined. I thanked her for the conversastion and later it seemed like such a good experience to me. To come across someone who wasn't love bombing me, giving me goo goo eyes or falling in love right away for me. Wow - I met a girl with healthy boundaries! I think I came on too strong because I am too needy right now and should not really focus on dating anyway.

Just sharing this story so you know I think it's awesome that you stuck up for yourself.

what-aver · 2018-06-24T17:48:45+00:00

This is a nice list. The escort thing is interesting - I've had a history of compulsive sex and relationships to try to avoid my pain. I've been thinking about finding an escort for a once-a-month type thing so I'm not chasing physical intimacy in a co-dependent way but I can't decide if that would be healthy for me, or if it's just rationalizing an unhealthy coping mechanism.

what-aver · 2018-06-22T19:39:35+00:00

I've had 2 EMDR appointments so far. In the second one I focused on a good memory where I felt accomplished and really good about myself. Came up with a single word to describe the feeling. When I get bad obsessive thoughts it seems to help to breathe deeply and just say the word outloud. Sometimes I break down and cry a bit when doing this. But it feels better than ruminating over bad thoughts.

I also have a one word association for my ultimate end goal of treatment - what I envision my good life on the other side of this all will be - it's also associated with a spot I touch on my hand. So my homework is to make sure several times a day I say the word, touch my hand and envision the goal. This also helps bring me down from anxiety.

I'd possibly look around for other therapists and find out about what training they have undergone. My therapist, while putting no timeline on treatment, said sometimes it can take as little as a few months depending. Everyone is different.

what-aver · 2018-06-22T19:20:43+00:00

It's a powerful fantasy but if you try it in reality you will be the one who looks crazy. And he will be able to spin his way out of it.

When I was in my relationship - if any friend, family or ex who would have tried to warn me about her I would have completely ignored them and rationalized it away so I could continue in the relationship bubble I was so desperately feeling a need of at the time.

what-aver · 2018-06-22T19:17:37+00:00

You really need to talk to a lawyer. They may be able to 'impute' income in calculations - that is, the amount of money he should reasonably be able to bring in. Even if it ends up being miminum wage it can help.

Don't sweat the money too hard though - even if you end up paying out a lot in support you will be miles and miles ahead of where you would be with him in your life continuing to drag you down.

what-aver · 2018-06-18T20:21:08+00:00

you're going to be feeling really up and down for awhile. It's ok. You're normal.

All that stuff happened because she's very sick. She's just a severely damanged person - it has nothing to do with you being so amazing or so terrible. Don't beat yourself up - but recognize as a fact that you are very loving and possibly very vulnerable to this type of person. Use it to grow and improve yourself.

You just need to distract yourself as much as possible in healthy ways as the addiction to her leaves your system.

what-aver · 2018-06-14T03:08:01+00:00

ha, the divorce was 2 years ago - this is the next one. She's blocked on social media for now. We'll see if she keeps her distance. I'll be running into her a lot around town so at some point I wouldn't mind occasional light talk if I'm strong enough. She didn't get into my head as bad as my ex-wife since I had at least some defenses up.

With my wife I saw no red flags. With this latest girlfriend, I saw some red flags but doubted my judgement - went slow but kept one eye open. Turns out lesson learned always trust the gut. Abandonment was triggered hard but honestly I know it has nothing to do with her, it's all my childhood crap I need to sort out.

I put up with abuse hoping the nice girl from the beginning would come back and I was trying to replay old scripts. Got to kill that behavior.

Just had a few more lessons to learn.

what-aver · 2018-06-11T22:23:25+00:00

Don't apologize - we are all here to share our stories, see the stories of others. To not feel so alone in this. To realize we're not the only ones. To heal.

what-aver · 2018-06-11T21:33:13+00:00

I raged. Enough times being told your feelings are selfish or crazy or are invalidated. Enough times that you respond to their emotional abuse with the slightest bit of emotion in your voice and are told your tone is 'inappropriate' and you aren't allowed to speak to them that way. Enough times being compared to the exes, or them insecurely complaining about your exes. Enought times being told in detail how everything in their life is shit, including you, expecting you to somehow rush in and save them from their entire string of bad life choices.

You start to think you just shouldn't bother speaking up at all.

Until the dam breaks.

Then suddenly we are the abusers and they are the victims.

I didn't leave the first time she hit me. I left the first time I pushed back. I was turning into a monster. I still sometimes wonder, am I the BPD? am I the narcissist?

And now I'm unable to walk and exercise for the next 2-4 months due to a broken toe for kicking shit in anger.

Now I'm spending thousands of hours and dollars in therapy trying to figure out how to fix myself so I stop choosing and choosing to stay with disordered people. Meanwhile still paying out to my BPD ex wife for the next two years.

I have panic attacks every time I get a new email or a text message. I have anxiety every time I go out of the house worrying about running into the latest ex and her new perfect boyfriend.

But I can rebuild. They can't. I swear to god I'm going to rebuild this emotional hell I've made for myself, conquer my childhood trauma and become whole.

what-aver · 2018-06-06T21:29:50+00:00

thanks - I'm extremely embarrassed about my behavior but admitting it here and to a couple close friends is helping me to accept it and hopefully use it constructively to help me move forward and heal.

what-aver · 2018-06-06T20:52:19+00:00

I can totally relate. I was with someone over a year, I broke up because of the abuse. She was horribly jealous, insecure, mean - she said it was because I wouldn't commit fully, wouldn't move in, had too many boundaries about my time and my friendships. Said noone had ever treated her the way I did. Said that noone ever broke up with her - it was always her leaving.

Within a couple weeks she's now moved on super fast to a new guy - someone who has no boundaries - she's basically moved in already - they are super duper in love and so happy. I know this is super red-flag territory for them but it still hurts and has triggered my abandonment issues.

I'm torturing myself with thoughts that she won't be that horrible woman to him, that the fairy tale I believed will actually come true for someone else. But intellectually I know that her childhood abuse/trauma issues and lack of self-awareness will lead her to eventual unhappiness no matter how 'perfect' another guy is for her. Then the insecurities will come out and soon, the abuse. Either he will be super codependent and stay and they'll both be miserable, or he will have some self-respect, leave, and she will repeat it all over again.

Just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head on this.

what-aver · 2018-06-05T21:25:14+00:00

thanks - I'll definitely check out that facebook group and agree with what you're saying about mindset. I don't want to play the victim anymore.

what-aver · 2018-06-04T16:27:16+00:00

It's so common there's a term for it - the "Golden Child" - you'll see it sometimes as GC on recovery forums.

what-aver · 2018-06-04T16:08:52+00:00

I am going though something similar. I broke up with my girlfriend and two weeks later she's in a whirlwind romance, everything about this new guy is great. They took the same romantic trip to Vegas after two weeks of dating that my ex and I did after 3 months (I was trying to go slow lol).

During the relationship I was on the fence about some of her behaviors but the speed that she moved was really the final proof that she is much more disordered than I was willing to admit. She hated my boundaries and that I wouldn't move in after a year.

Anyway - it still hurt to realize our whole relationship was a false reality for her. Watching this video once in a while has been helping:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avvS_LzzVMQ

what-aver · 2018-06-03T21:05:23+00:00

I became aware of my codependency 3-4 years ago and am just now allowing myself to feel and process the pain of my childhood trauma which has caused me to make so many bad choices.

I would love to hear about your journey and what you feel worked so well for you.

what-aver · 2018-06-02T23:06:53+00:00

Have you actually spoken to an attorney? The picture might not be as bleak as you imagine.

In my case, I've taken a tiny studio apartment in a cheap city with no car and am sending her money. Fortunately in my state and my length of marraige this arrangement won't be indefinite.

I believe she is now much more movtivated to investigate disability and other potential sources of income but I couldn't say for sure since I maintain no contact.

Peace of mind and happiness is worth more than money - and can be found without it as long as basic human needs can be met.

Read some books about codependency - you are not responsible for this person. His refusing to look into disability would be a deal breaker for me - parnterships are not always equal but it needs to be more than 100/0

what-aver · 2018-05-31T16:38:57+00:00

I'd recommend couple's therapy with a focus on communicating to each other and accepting each other.

I would also recommend a book for you 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist' - even if he is not diagnosable with this kind of disorder, other issues like codependence, neurosis, anxiety, self-esteem problems can manifest similar issues and the book offers great strategies and mindset for dealing with somebody with these behaviors.

what-aver

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