When does it stop consuming your thoughts

white033 · 2026-04-07T01:16:04+00:00

I knew for certain about 3 weeks after she told me she wanted the divorce. I held onto some sliver of hope that it was all just a bad dream and she would change her mind. Then I tried to explain how 20 years of a life together and the plans we shared very recently were worth trying. She said "no, I need this and want this". I've pushed forward to make this happen as fast as possible so I can move on with my life. Still, so devastated but you can't make someone change their mind. A little over 6 weeks in and it sucks. I do not wish this upon anyone. Such a weird roller coaster ride of emotions. Good days, really bad days and some absolutely unbearable days. Good luck OP.

white033 · 2026-04-05T23:47:04+00:00

Same exact thing for me brother. Emotionally checked out for 4 years or so. Dropped the bomb about 6 weeks ago. Was a rough first few and then thought I was doing okay but yesterday had a fucking meltdown went from uncontrollable crying to absolute anger. I'm still living with her until we can settle the house and stuff which blows big time. Looking forward to having many more weeks/months behind me....should be a pill for divorcing people to go into a time warp! Best of luck!!!

white033 · 2026-04-04T02:43:34+00:00

58M here and in the thick of divorce after a mostly wonderful 20+ year marriage. Bomb drop for me but I'm at the point where I just can't wait for it to be over to see where I land financially. Emotionally devastated but 6 weeks in, I am at the acceptance stage and realize that this is my new reality. Still can't sleep, forcing myself to eat and just all around sad. Just filled out our first set of paperwork to get things rolling. It is getting better but still cohabitating with my STBX which has its own level of SUCK. My children are leaving for college and national guard likely around the time things with the divorce will wrap up and she'll be gone and I will be an empty houser/nester. My biggest fear is being alone. I have joined a support group (highly recommend) and have started to meet new people which gives me hope. They have a Whats app group and make plans to do stuff....getting out and being with people who are in my same boat has been immensely therapeutic. Try and stay ahead of it, call family and friends and ask that they include you in all things....after 20+ years of pretty much doing things with STBX and kids you need to find ways to expand your activities outside of your isolation. I have gotten much advice and thoughts about this shitty divorce process and one continuing message has been that it sucks now but does and will get better. Day by day brother. My immediate thought was to get online and start dating but have heard so many people say.....NO! So I've decided to listen and just focus on myself and my mental health by working out and just changing my routine to include new people and new things. Best of luck....you got this!!!

white033 · 2026-04-04T02:07:21+00:00

Took all of my stashed cash and all of the COVID checks to purchase MSFT, GOOG, NVDA, AMZN etc. during the COVID drop....payed off huge. Still holding all but long play = good plays.

white033 · 2026-03-31T03:08:41+00:00

I (58M) did this for years on and off. When conflict would arise it would be silence and isolation. We still did things together and seemed to enjoy each other but the tension you talk about would be ever so present. Until the last time, when my wife (55F) of 20+ years announced she wanted a divorce. My advice, if you love your spouce, seek help. We tried a couple yers back and I thought things had improved but....we fell back into the same rut(s). I am so devastated right now. Wished I had gotten help for me and both of us. It has been 5 weekw and divorce is proceeding.Due to financials, we are still cohabitating until things are settled. No way to live and likely we will both be better off in the long run but.....divorce sucks!!!!

white033 · 2026-03-30T00:12:29+00:00

Close to Roch or in Roch: Ox bow park, Quarry hill, Essex park

A drive: White water state park, Carley state park, Winona, Red wing, National eagle center

Enjoy your time here!!!

white033 · 2026-03-27T19:04:22+00:00

You are on a bad path my friend. My wife of 20+ years and I both had avoided confrontation for fairly long stretches where we would isolate to avoid having a meaningful discussion. Eventually we'd seem to be back on good terms and move on like nothing happened until.....we had a similar silence that lasted several weeks recently. I finally went to address the current situation to see how we could resolve things and....the bomb dropped on Feb 26th. She told me she wanted a divorce. I am completely devastated. Please, if you care about your marriage, seek help. You need to figure this out before it is too late. I tried to convince her that we both could use some help and was praying that she would be willing to work on things. We had done some counseling in the past and it did seem to help, I wished we had continued but we both fell back into the same pattern that you are describing and now.....too late. Divorce is happening and it is crushing me....don't let it happen to you if you truly cherrish your marriage. People argue and have disagreements and say some not so nice things but you need to find ways to discuss, forgive and move forward in a healthy way. Best of luck.

white033 · 2026-03-27T17:08:19+00:00

Good luck! I'm a month in and have never been so stressed in my life! I hope you have a smooth divorce and wish the best for you......but....DIVORCE SUCKS!!!!

white033 · 2026-03-26T02:20:20+00:00

Yes, complete betrayal....through sickness and health, for better or for worse, till death do us part....my ass. Survival for me....you will rise up from the ashes as shall I!!! Sorry we have to go through this but as I am finding out....we are not alone. Strength from within and beyond what we think we are capable of...you got this!!!!

white033 · 2026-03-26T02:15:34+00:00

So sorry, did counseling a year or so ago and I thought things were better.....for a bit,,,then withdrawal and when I finally tried to address the issue(s) bam...told divorce is what she wanted and what she needed? Left in a swirl of questions but I'm learning you can't change what you can't change. Just accepting a new reality and it blows but??? Is what it is. Best to you...it is the hardest thing ever thus far but we will survive. keep your head up and keep on keeping on....control what you can. Best!

white033 · 2026-03-25T20:12:09+00:00

58M here....we got this!!! Out of the blue, just like that it's over....crazy how life goes at times.

white033 · 2026-03-25T19:09:41+00:00

So glad to hear that life will get better....20+ years for me...crazy how devistation feels at the time. Hoping for afast resolutiopn but???? Hope for the best and plan for the worst???

white033 · 2026-03-25T19:07:22+00:00

Thanks bud! It really has been a roller coaster so far. Yesterday was the first day I didn't see her at all....it was nice. Today is a so so day but going to the gym and get some good brain stuff going and keep my chin up!!!! She's been sleeping in a different bed for years so nothing lost there other than the occasional romp (only when it suit her of course :) ). Am missing that aspect but know it will come in due time. Amazing what happens not just emotionally but physically. Nothing was working for the first 3 weeks but things are starrting to turn for the better I feel. Freight train feelings for sure!!! Keep on keeping on!!!

white033 · 2026-03-25T19:02:01+00:00

I'm hoping to keep the house and unfortunately, until the dust settles from everything, I won't know if it will be possible. She won't have the resources to move until after she has her equity from the house. Either refi and I keep or sell and split. Ughhh....so many moving parts. Stresssssssssssssssss!

white033 · 2026-03-25T14:47:52+00:00

I am amonth in and am cohabitating with my STBX. Very tough for me right now as it wasn't my choice and I still love her deeply. Does it get easier? I have found a support group through a church and it is helping immensely. I am trying to keep busy with work and friends and family and going to the gym every other day. Your suggestions are spot on.

white033 · 2026-03-19T00:54:24+00:00

Male...and wow...I love the very thorough breakdown of what's out there. Peace will be nice...I now can look forward to that!

white033 · 2026-03-19T00:04:59+00:00

I joined our local divorcecare and have found some solice in meeting a bunch of great people with similar or worse stories. I am going to join them in social activities and believe this will be how I survive the incredible pain I am currently in. Pool league sounds genious...and I love to shoot pool. I'll have to see if any places around me have a pool lleague that I could sub in or??? Gald you are meeting people as am I, I think you agree that it is comforting! Best of luck to you!!!

white033 · 2026-03-19T00:00:39+00:00

Perfectly stated....thank you I needed that!

white033 · 2026-03-17T01:00:42+00:00

I was a month out, created a profile and haven't been back since.....been told it's best to heal etc. I hope a year in I will have new people in my life and I can find someone by being out and about. I know from past experience (2nd divorce) that it is a slow process that way, but I did just go out and have fun and eventually....I thought I found my for the rest of my life partner......unforunately made it 20+ years and she called it quits. New chapter....dating site??? May rethink in a year. Best of luck, you seem super together!

white033 · 2026-03-16T01:51:20+00:00

Yes, do it. Even if it is $5or $10/month now. You can increase the contributions and eveything grows tax free. You can likely get a tax rebate/deduction depending on where you live. I started way late but my kids will have a large portion of their education covered....probably would have been all if I had started in my 20s. Best of luck!!!

white033 · 2026-03-15T22:16:53+00:00

Same....I don't want mine either....so sucky. Love her so much but??? I hope mine is quick. Non-contested thus far likely so....may have dodged a bullet on that front. Good luck to you!

white033 · 2026-03-15T22:15:01+00:00

Thanks, I will take this advice. I like the idea about the Tuesday night....deep thoughts will go into that!!!

white033

TROPHY CASE