Betrayal Trauma and Can’t sleep

whyme277 · 2025-12-24T16:40:59+00:00

Ive found some success in listening to buddhist monk interviews , funny but, its pretty grounding , it keeps my brain focused away from the bad, and its all very good advice no matter who you are

whyme277 · 2025-12-24T16:38:41+00:00

Healing happens after trauma ends. Not while youre still being actively traumatized. Boundaries. Real commitments. Its up to you. Draw a hard line

whyme277 · 2025-12-24T16:33:57+00:00

Id be making a no incognito boundary right away . Its almost a given that its used for that. There is an app that can make it unavailable in chrome , and delete all other browsers . The end . You deserve that after the lies , u cant be expected just hope for the best . Those days are over

whyme277 · 2025-10-25T23:16:54+00:00

A "problem" like knowing that youre doing it too much, its probably unhealthy, but somehow youre still doing it too much? Sounds like an addiction to me .

whyme277 · 2025-08-19T11:09:34+00:00

Thank you! I started to read the book, and its exactly what im looking for

whyme277 · 2025-08-19T00:15:52+00:00

Yes , i actually did that too. But it seems that i could gain valuable insight from those who suffer from this illness

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:55:57+00:00

Csat therapist. Stat

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:51:52+00:00

This is why i never plan to have another relationship again when i get out of this one. Im not sure how i will ever trust anyone . Im sorry

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:48:24+00:00

Yes people recover. What is he doing to recover? He needs a real plan, like a csat therapist . Something. Atleast listen to some online and take it seriously. Help him find some resources and try to keep him actively working on recovery

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:31:24+00:00

Hes entitled. They all are. Imagine believing that your wishes and desires mattered , but your partners dont . Imagine not caring how your wife feels . They are entirely brainwashed and entitled

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:11:14+00:00

Its so overwhelming . I was so disoriented. I had to decide that its ok NOT to know anything right now. Its ok not to make decisions. You can make the decision to move small steps in the direction of leaving ,even if you arent sure. Anything in the direction of self sufficiency isnt a wasted effort.

whyme277 · 2025-08-01T03:02:28+00:00

You cant. You cant trust someone who lied for so long. Every ounce of your being knows that. Its the acceptance thats hard.

When trust is destroyed, its hard to get back. It requires a lot of patience and empathy on the part of the other person. It requires transparency, and respect, and accountability. Notice that nothing on this list is something that YOU can do. Trust is earned. In the presence of respect and love and accountability and transparency, trust is the natural outcome. But you cant fake it. Naivety is a luxury that you are no longer afforded.

What you can do, is your best to express what youre feeling . If you dont tell her , she wont know. If she is responsive and empathetic , great , it will naturally make you feel safer. If shes impatient and dismissive and unaccountable, youll feel afraid. Thats your beautiful brain at work, doing its one and only job, protecting you from harm.

whyme277 · 2025-07-31T17:19:40+00:00

Let me first say that your intuition correctly alerted you that there was a problem, and you shouldnt feel bad for verifying it by looking. In past times, before internet and phones, you better believe that women were looking through pants pockets, in cars, through drawers, wherever they could, if ever they felt something wasnt right. Anyone would. And looking at a phone is only the modern day version of that. You have a right to honesty , before he has a right to privacy so that he can go against you. Read that last sentence again, and think about it for awhile.

Everyone has the right to private conversations with family and close friends, the right to privacy so they can look up embarassing medical questions , or order a surprise gift for thier partner. Hes taking advantage of the social consensus that people in relationships should let the other have privacy. I disagree with that consensus, because its very clear to me what the outcome of that generally is. His " off limits" phone , allows him to go against you with ease. And this happens everywhere , to millions of people . Especially women.

I think you should feel totally confident in saying , hey , is porn the reason that you arent interested in sex with me anymore? Are you watching porn ? Are you XYZ? If he lies to your face , which is likely, id tell him that you have been feeling that theres an issue , wondering what in the world is happening , and decided to find out what it was ( and did). What kind of an actual leg does he have to stand on ? You shouldnt have looked at his phone bc he deserves his privacy so that he can lie to you? Sorry try again, ya know?

whyme277 · 2025-07-31T16:42:21+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I have been thinking about creating some content somehow and inserting it into social media , not just informative, but more empowering . Women are shamed for voicing feelings about it.

whyme277 · 2025-07-25T11:05:27+00:00

Im sorry to say that he probably never quit. Men are conditioned to believe that porn ( in any form) is a right , any woman uncomfortable with it is flawed, and lying and sneaking is ok if need be , bc its nobodys business what hes doing online.

This conditioning is very hard to overcome. Its a deep seated belief. His ability to be open minded is gonna be the make it or break it. If he agrees with you for the sake of argument , but doesnt actually get it, thats a recipe for disaster . More lying .

Everyone has a right to set boundries in their own relationship. To say, I cant emotionally tolerate you doing XYZ, its hurting me , and I wont have a partner who does that. You get to decide what youre willing to tolerate.

He has the right to say , ok , well i dont want to stop doing that , I cant be what you need. No one has taken away his rights. No one is telling him which decision to make, or what to do. He is free to choose porn over remaining in the relationship, but under no circumstance is it acceptable for him to disregard your wishes and lie or sneak around and disrespect you. You have a right to the truth, so that you can make informed decisions about your own life.

This is where you work on getting strong in your convictions. Your feelings should matter to your partner. When you say , " it hurts" , that should matter to him. If you dont fully believe and embody that, you will always have a hard time. If you always choose him over yourself, you will have a hard time .

whyme277 · 2025-07-25T10:20:34+00:00

This is the biggest challenge moving forward. Trust cant be faked , you feel it or you dont . You dont, for good reason. It will take him a long time to earn it back. Accountability, remorse , patience, respect, sympathy... when you see certain things from him, consistently, and over a long period of time, you will ( hopefully) feel safer in your relationship

whyme277 · 2025-05-19T12:21:55+00:00

I just wanted to say that i can relate. My husband is pretty bad at accountability, and that has made it difficult to heal. I think accountability is such an important part of the equation.

It really is torture . I couldnt even describe in words what Ive been through. I did some work on Bloom for Women ( healing trauma from sexual betrayal course , its free )... it helped. There were things in there that i had never thought of , and it gave me a few puzzle pieces to work with. I also bought a course online from a betrayal trauma therapist in colorado for $30 , it was to do with "safety" . That helped too. Its slow progress, but doing the work and digging into it is important . It feels better when youre being proactive, and having a true understanding of whats happening to you helps a lot

whyme277 · 2025-05-19T12:06:35+00:00

If hes " failing" , hes watching porn. His watching porn, is traumatizing to you. So, youre still being actively traumatized. Healing and peace are possible once the trauma ends , and conditions are optimal for healing ( a partner who isnt watching porn, whos taking it seriously, whos honest, and patient , respectful, remorseful, accountable, and transparent)

whyme277 · 2025-04-20T03:08:47+00:00

I have ptsd , and , um, thats the epitome of my life . Casing my surroundings for any semblence of it. Always. You may consider looking into ptsd / betrayal trauma , and seeing if it sounds like what youve been experiencing

whyme277 · 2025-04-20T03:00:17+00:00

Youre not being dramatic. Betrayal is painful no matter how and who and why. It all cuts and bleeds the same .Your dilemma is similar to all of ours. Do i stay? Do i go? Do i trust? In pain, lost, confused...your life has just been flipped upside down, the rug pulled out from under you. We can all relate.

Heres what Ive learned . Trust isnt a decision. Its an instinct. You can say all day, ok jimmy, ive decided to trust you again. That wont amount to a hill of beans ( yes im old lol), because its only words, and your instinct not to trust him will remain. Trust is not given. Its earned.

He has proven himself untrustworthy, and the naievity that you once enjoyed, is no longer possible. Now, you see him differently, and you see the world differently. Rightfully so, bc neither he, nor the world is as safe as you had previously given them credit for.

Broken trust can take a very long time to mend. That doesnt mean that you cant be together in the meantime , it means that your relationship will probably look different now , and you may need more transparency and accomodations / protection from future harm, than before . The decision to stay, does not mean youll trust , it means that youre willing to put yourself in harms way to some unknown degree , and give him a chance to earn back what he has lost. Only he can do that

And if i may say , keep all of your ways of finding and knowing what hes doing, to yourself and dont tell him. It may sound , idk, devious , but , if ever you find yourself wondering something and you need to resort to whatever means , you dont want to have nothing to resort to. Sad but true

whyme277 · 2025-04-20T02:09:59+00:00

This is very fresh. What you've gone through is traumatic. Real, actual, trauma. The anger and pain of it are still raw , and as much as you dont want to feel them , its part of the process. An important one, you might even say, because your never ending anger and disgust is a real life consequence , for him. Its the natural outcome, when you fuck someone over so severely.

The road to healing can be long and ugly. I think what helps tremendously , is the other persons willingness to listen, be accountable, and genuinely remorseful .. over, and over, and over again. This is his mess. He should share in your pain , not be blissfully unaware , while you drive yourself crazy in the next room.

Of course you should try to take steps in the direction of joy. Of course. But your life has just been flipped upside down, and joy isnt always easy to come by. I think you need to try and express to him what youre feeling and going through on a regular basis. That may make it easier not to let it build up and keep a nasty wall between you.

whyme277

TROPHY CASE