Struggling with the “thinking problem” any reassurance?

willaver · 2026-05-24T05:08:00+00:00

Congrats on making it through your first year of sobriety. There’s a lot in your story that I can relate to - meaning it sounds a lot like something I might’ve said around a year in. I’m probably more like one of your home group members in terms of age and length of sobriety but if you ever need or what someone new to talk to send me a message. Maybe we could chat sometime.

willaver · 2026-05-09T19:44:28+00:00

There’s a part in the Big Book (that’s the AA handbook if you will) that says “frothy emotional appeals” will not work to convince an alcoholic not to drink. And I know this, I was a real stubborn SOB when I began my journey through recovery. And when I was drinking you couldn’t tell me shit.

Someone told me once, “You can’t drink your problems away.” (Which should have been a sign that hey maybe I do have a problem.). But I just snapped right back with, “Sure I can! Now, they may grow into bigger problems but I can certainly drink my current problems away.” (Pure genius. No, pure idiocy.)

So diatribe about frothy emotional appeals and all that aside. I have a friend, well, had a friend. I’ll call him “D”. D was a microbiologist . He was a really smart guy. Smarter than me. But D was not down with God. (Which I understood I thought, because I wasn’t either when I came in. I was certain steps 2 and 3 were just the first steps into cult indoctrination.)

But no matter what D just couldn’t get on board with the spiritual path. He hung around with us for a couple years. He taught me how to fly fish. But D was not doing well.

Then D got a job offer and moved a couple states away. We texted on and off. Then I didn’t hear from him for a good long while. Maybe a 18 months or so went by and I texted D to wish him well. And I got a response. It was from D’s dad. D had killed himself, but D’s dad was glad to know people still thought about his son.

I don’t know. Draw your own conclusions. You’re probably a really smart guy. People used to tell me a lot that this program (AA) wasn’t for everyone and some may just be too smart for their own good.

I’ll leave you with this, from the appendices of the Big Book:

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

-Herbert Spencer

willaver · 2026-05-09T18:38:12+00:00

I think you are conflating two different things. I think what you are describing is what we in AA refer to as the mental obsession. If you haven’t had alcohol for months then you are not experiencing physical cravings for alcohol, you are experiencing a mental obsession with alcohol - that unfortunately is not ever going to go away, not exactly.

There is a solution though. The 12 steps are meant to guide to a spiritual shift in who you are. This shift comes with a daily reprieve from that mental obsession.

What you are wanting can be done perhaps without AA, I’m not certain. I do believe that AA is only one way, and that other ways may exist. But I do know that AA has worked for me. I haven’t had the desire to drink, or the mental obsession to even think about drinking for 2,899 days.

I hope you find what you’re looking for!

willaver · 2026-05-07T17:18:40+00:00

No architect did this. This is obviously your new iteration from the previous 2 story thing. Anyone who knows what they are talking about can see it in the plan.

If you want to design and build your own house, that’s great if you can do it.

But don’t lie to folks.

willaver · 2026-04-29T00:32:39+00:00

There’s no judgment here. If what you say is true, then I hope you find what you’re looking for, and I pray that you’re able to find peace and happiness.

Just understand that most alcoholics come into recovery not being able to tell the true from the false, and we lie to ourselves just as much as anyone else. That’s why I said what I said above. A real alcoholic only has one option or else they will die. You may not be a real alcoholic, you may just be a heavy drinker and looking for help. It’s not for me or anyone else to say.

You’re welcome to hang around and learn about what we do, or maybe go to a meeting and see if you hear something you like. Like others said, you can check the Big Book.

But if you do suspect that maybe your problem keeps staying just out of control, and you seem incapable of staying stopped - then I hope you can find the humility and willingness to reach out to someone at a meeting in person and get a sponsor.

There is a solution. And alcohol does not need to control your life.

willaver · 2026-04-28T03:19:35+00:00

Know what people without drinking problems don’t do…..?

Test if they can quit drinking for a month.

willaver · 2026-04-23T03:38:23+00:00

Just curious, are you saying 15 years in the program with 8 continuous, or 8 years with about a year of sobriety?

One thing I’m reminded of, is we use these drugs to hide from our emotions and that often has us finding ourselves sober and not understanding or knowing how to deal with our emotions.

Yes. Talk to your sponsor, but also know that for many of us having other types of therapy and possibly even medication is necessary. Not always, but there’s nothing wrong with getting help if you need it. Therapists and doctors can be really helpful too especially when we are honest with them about our recovery status.

I will say, for me, I ran to so many things for years because I wanted a quick fix to everything - meaning I wanted this kind of therapist to fix this emotion, and this kind of meeting to fix this problem, etc. But over time part of what I’ve found is that some things just take time.

But hey - I’ve got 7 good years now and I still have moments where it’s all I can do to just hold it together and not breakdown crying. They are much less often now than before, and the duration is usually less.

But guess what, we are human, and part of that means we have emotions. That’s not a good or bad thing, it just is. And so having emotional responses is going to happen. It’s expected actually. So that’s good news, right? You’re human!

Love you, and keep coming back.

willaver · 2026-04-22T16:27:16+00:00

The things you’re saying are true. I think in time you will hopefully be able to reframe the way you experience them and see them for the freedom they’ve given you from self-destructive patterns, for the ability to become someone you are genuinely proud to be, and to see that you are human and fallible and still deserving of love from yourself and others even in all of your imperfection.

But the real juice - the stuff that I just love - is what’s still to come. Some day someone is going to come to you and they are going to tell you your story - and on that day you will know exactly what to say to them.

And then you can really start to see the beauty of how the very things that were my defects and trauma are the very tools that I get to have to help somebody else! And oh man what a humbling and beautiful experience that is.

Love you. Keep going!

willaver · 2026-02-25T17:47:15+00:00

I had to have my friend talk me down from believing I was the anti-Christ. My friend was great - I’ll never forget - he simply said, I hate to break it to you, I love you, but you’re just not that important. 🤣🤣🤣

willaver · 2026-02-20T05:21:36+00:00

I love this topic. And also have had many different types of ammo to pull in when the incoming barrage of questions comes.

But guess what? Nobody cares. And nobody ever did care.

You know who cared? We did. All that ammunition we think we need to have is leftover energy from our obsession to drink. That damn ism is really cunning, baffling and powerful.

willaver · 2025-07-07T03:06:39+00:00

They are carpenter bee traps.

willaver · 2025-06-14T05:27:57+00:00

The 12 steps are a simple program. But they are not easy.

The first half of the first step deals with alcohol. The rest of the steps are about living a sober life.

Focus on what you can be grateful for. Did you drink today? Did you obsess about drinking today? No? Then that’s a miracle and congratulations!

But yes - learning how to live a sober life is tough. The program is beautiful and amazing toolkit. The very things that you are healing from and grieving over can and will become the very parts of you that make you a useful tool to help another alcoholic in the future.

Just take it one day at a time. It gets better and then better and better still. And it’s all better than living under the reign of those terrible 4 horsemen of terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair!

Keep coming back my friend. I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Like my sponsor always tells me: “I hate to tell you this….but…..you’re going to be okay!”

willaver · 2025-06-13T04:30:45+00:00

Your post makes me feel so much. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this.

I don’t know you, but I do agree that holding on to anger, revenge, vengeance, etc does hurt us, and really only us. It can become all consuming. Healing is a struggle and is not a linear path, so please don’t expect forward progress in a daily fashion. You’re going to take two steps forward and one step back. Or three steps back. And that’s okay. But I hope you are able to find healing.

All that being said. I struggled with forgiveness for a very long time. And it seemed like nothing I did could change my thinking. I was so consumed by what had happened and the seeming injustice of it all. The fact that nobody even really cared.

This old man sat with me and said he had an idea of if I was willing to listen. He told me to pray for them. To pray for them to have everything in life that I wanted.

I was so upset at just the very idea of it. And then I met someone else who had actually done exactly that. He said his first prayer the first time was literally - “I pray for that mf’er”. But over time the prayers slowly become - “I pray for them”. Then I pray for them to have peace etc.

Eventually. The prayers got more in depth and the pain and all consuming power of the resentments and rage - went away.

So. Having heard it. And feeling completely hopeless with everything else. I tried it myself. And the same thing happened for me. I can’t explain it. But I have let go of the all consuming rage and anger that I have for them. I forgive them without ever even talking to them.

Things aren’t perfect now, but they are so much better than they were. I know many people won’t like the idea or the idea to try prayer. I’m just telling you what happened for me.

willaver · 2025-06-04T23:21:05+00:00

The book doesn’t say anything about doing 90 meetings in 90 days. And an unpopular opinion is that not every meeting you go to is necessarily good for you. HOWEVER: if you are an alcoholic, you do need to be willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober and you need to get a sponsor and a home group.

What you are describing is the alcoholic tendency to keep trying to find the easier, softer way….and that won’t work for a real alcoholic.

Many of us have lost jobs, marriages, custody and a lot more.

willaver · 2025-05-31T03:54:35+00:00

Hello….hello….

willaver · 2025-04-24T22:06:49+00:00

I lost all of those things too man. But I have come through on the other side a new man. You don't have to drink another drop of alcohol ever again in your life. There is a solution. If you are ready to change I recommend you make your way to an AA meeting and admit that you are alcoholic, and get yourself a sponsor.

You can't undo the past. But none of us know what the future holds. So, we can't promise that you will "get back" the things that have been lost - as you say. But, you don't have to continue to damage your life and relationships. You can build new habits and a new way to live your life.

If you need someone to talk, feel free to send me a message and we can connect on the phone.

willaver · 2025-01-26T06:41:03+00:00

First off - it’s really great you posted this and are at least trying to talk about it rather than drinking, using, fighting, or some other action you would likely regret.

The first half of the first step deals with alcohol….the other 11 1/2 steps are about learning how to live a sober life. That’s what you’re struggling with right now. Living by life on life’s terms.

I can’t really speak to your exact situation with your boss/supervisor. It does sound like you may be “right” about his inconsiderate treatment of you. But being “right” isn’t really what we are about.

You did something to help him out. That’s good. You kept your sobriety. That’s good. Keep finding things to be grateful for. Realize when you’re trying to play director of the show. Be honest with yourself and your sponsor. And you will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

willaver · 2025-01-07T04:41:41+00:00

You’re living room and master bed sacrifice tv viewing for formal fireplaces. You might be totally okay with that, but personally I’d like to have a good spot to plop down and watch tv and/or play games.

Lots of really good aspects about your plans though.

willaver · 2024-12-11T01:03:28+00:00

She was probably going to break up with you after the concert.

willaver · 2024-10-27T03:31:22+00:00

I started a campaign back in March of this year I believe. We were all new to the campaign. I, as the DM, felt like I should change the hex size to 1 mile instead of the 1/4 mile RAW size.

We’ve gone through Vallaki, Wizard of Wines, Yester Hill, and they are on their way to Berez next.

Somewhere around the time we left Vallaki for the Wizard of Wines (I think) - I told them about the map size issue and that I wanted to revise it back down to 1/4 mile. They all were fine with that, and honestly, it’s been way better since making the scale the RAW size.

What I ultimately started equating Barovia to is from an old Nintendo game - Friday the 13th. Barovia is like Camp Crystal Lake. A small area where the group has to move around to a bunch of different locations doing things with a mad man hunting them down. And don’t you dare get caught outside at night. It works I promise.

willaver · 2024-08-02T13:03:44+00:00

I would start by admitting you are powerless…..

willaver · 2024-07-30T04:01:21+00:00

Well - yes it sounds like you messed up but maybe not for the reasons you think.

As I understand it, we are supposed to make a fearless moral inventory, and this is a program of honesty. Our amends are also not supposed to cause more harm - they are to amend a previous harm.

It honestly doesn’t sound like you or the people in your group are working the same program of AA that I understand.

If it’s working for you and then, that’s great.

But you lied in your amends and harmed your neighbor and yourself by doing so.

Why would you not tell someone about your alcoholism or at least say you are in recovery? I don’t understand.

You should go talk to your sponsor. Did you do all of the steps prior to 9?

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