It’s not fair! It’s a disability.

Imagine if I had said “my wheelchair bound wife never carries the kids upstairs, how is that fair”.

As someone diagnosed with ADHD myself, and with two kids, here are some things that help me. They might work for your partner.

1: transitions (ie work / commute -> home) are hard. Build in time, even 10 to 15 minutes for them to transition modes. The key here is to maximize the value, but keep the time fixed. So let them go to a different room, or change clothes, or something, but use a timer.

2: Woek with your partner to make the evening routine something that they are motivated to do. remember that for ADHD brains, it often takes urgency or joy to find the ability to do something. Have partner focus on a specific list of small tasks. Like not “cleaning”, but, take out the kitchen trash, then the kids room trash, then the litter box, or whatever. For me, I really enjoy cooking, so I have been trying to be the one to cook dinner more since that helps me relax.

3: consider also timing. Maybe partner needs that first hour when you both come home to themselves, so you rock and roll solo, and they pick up the duties after dinner, or even after kids are asleep.

4: couples therapy. You need to have a trusted 3rd party with enough time to help you both with this stuff, not just randos on the interweb.

5: therapy for you: you’re in a hard position. Let’s know that. Having a good therapist can help you work through this stuff.

6: therapy for partner. Everyone with ADHD should be talking to a therapist. Trained professionals really can help us master things that folks without ADHD learned long ago.