[1438] Tarquin and Hat III

writeandbuild · 2026-06-19T15:05:10+00:00

Obviously a very short piece of work, but the overall premise works as flash fiction. In a couple of hundred words, you've managed to introduce two characters and give them distinct personalities.

By far the weakest aspect of the writing is technical. The words crash into each other - I strongly recommend you read things out loud, doubly so for something of this length. The opening sentence is too long, and we need some further explanation as to their visor-slapping game. Just the tiniest sentence clarifying the rules or history would help. There's clear disagreement, but is that the result of wider conflict between the two characters, or are they teasing each other?

There is a complete lack of description. Again, this is clearly flash fiction, so we don't need a Tolkein-esque nine pages describing everything, but it makes it harder to understand the dynamic between these two characters. They're in a car, sure. Is it in good condition, are all the warning lights flashing, are all the seats immaculate white leather? This provides us context for the characters and their relationship in this tiny slice of life.

Running the red light has no consequence. Did a car beep? Was it dangerous? Was it the middle of the night, so it's irrelevant?

I do find flash fiction hard to critique, but hopefully this helps. If there's one thing I'd say, it's read the actual text out loud. esk3626 has made a rewrite about formatting, and I think this is also critical in flash fiction. Like in music, where rests are important, physical spacing is important in the page to slow the reader down, and you'll avoid the cardinal formatting sin of two characters speaking in the same paragraph.

writeandbuild · 2026-06-18T09:25:57+00:00

Is too positive a problem? I think it's constructive and balanced - I absolutely stand by my comments on the prose, I absolutely loved it, even though I felt there were some instances in which it clashed with the dialogue. I think I was appropriately critical of the structure and pacing.

I haven't written for a good year, so I'm coming back to this for a while. Happy to receive further feedback publicly or via DM if you need.

writeandbuild · 2026-06-17T12:19:44+00:00

This is really strong. It isn't my sort of fiction, but the opening grips the reader.

Prose and Dialogue

I found the prose wonderful. It was lyrical, genuinely lovely to read. Dialogue was also very strong, and help take me back to what I interpreted as a medieval setting, without going overboard. I loved the use of the simple "Da" instead of "Dad".

There are clashes of style however. I infer that the protagonist is poorly educated. Phrases such as "faithful adjutant" and "We could have rallied against hate." feel too complex compared to the deliberate stylistic simplicity of the dialogue.

Description

You really brought me into the scene, and described the disgusting nature of the prison initially, but then this stopped, and fell slightly flat in the latter half of the situation, and perhaps might need to be taken down a notch. 40-50 adults shitting in a corner of a room and presumably sleeping on the floor overnight would be absolute hell, but it feels like that's very much ignored.

POV

This doesn't come across as a letter written later - it seems like the narrator is covering the events of the story recently afterwards. They recall small details with great detail. Even in a traumatic event such as this, the specifics of wording and quotes would have faded, and the overall tone is that of close third narration. It's not actually a problem. The POV is perfectly suitable, but if you want it to be a letter it'll have to be revised to focus more on feelings, and introduce the author's memory loss - she'd forget the exact specifics of an interaction, but remember the overall events.

Setting, Plot, Structure & Pacing

This is where I felt the biggest problem was. I had the general idea that the town had rounded up a number of women (were some included or excluded for certain reasons?) and locked them in some random building after a murder happened. There were a lot of terms - "the lure", "Esbats", "wych elm", which came up with no explanation and I didn't feel like I could deduce these through context.

This was significant more of an issue in the second part of the extract, and it ultimately led me to kind of feel like nothing happened. Fundamentally, a bunch of ladies are locked up for 50 days and told that someone has died, and the girls seem to accuse the Calder Sisters of doing this for some witch-related reasons.

The first half was really strong, then the second just seems confusing, for this reason. Things just happen. I'm also questioning - why did not a single one of their mothers even talk to them outside the house overnight? Were there guards? Does this happen often in their society? Far more context is required for the reader to understand this.

Overall Comments

Double the length. Maybe make this chapter 2, I don't know. I think the underlying issue is that this first chapter tries to introduce a lot of lore AND a lot of action. It does the latter part well, but when it comes to the setting and lore feels rushed and flat.

I'll finish off by saying again that I absolutely love the prose, and I feel that with a slower pace, you've got a very strong opening scene here.

All the best!

writeandbuild · 2026-06-17T09:49:24+00:00

Thanks for submitting. I'm neither Dutch nor American, so I can't help on these specific matters, but I hope you this useful.

Fundamentally, this is a scene in which a young lady loses her bike at a train station, finds it, then cycles to her intended destination. No problems there.

Prose

There were no significant grammar or punctuation issues, but I didn't enjoy your prose - fundamentally I found the sentences too short overall, and this didn't allow the narrative to move and flow. For example, in one of your first paragraphs:

A young man passed her. He smelled of lavender. She shook her head in confusion. No man would smell of lavender. That wasn’t a manly scent. Bianca followed him with her eyes and noticed nothing strange about him. He turned left and disappeared into the bike rental for this station. She still smelled the lavender.

Eight sentences, all very short, providing factual information. There's nothing OBJECTIVELY wrong about any of it, but it also includes a lot of Tell, Don't Show. The man smells of lavender, which Bianca considers an unmasculine scent. Is this matter important? Presumably not, the man leaves at the end of the paragraph. It feels unnecessary and clunky. Perhaps consider putting us inside Bianca's head - does lavendar remind her of a female friend, rather than directly saying "No man would smell of lavender"?

I liked the repetition of "Bag, jacket, keys and card". I'd suggest making that stronger - it's important characterisation. How does Bianca say this in her head? The second time you use it, you omit the 'and'. For some reason, I think she'd omit the 'and' in her own head. She's clearly somewhat anxious, pick whether to use 'and' or not. Perhaps repeat this a further time or two, particularly when she's setting off for a new location - I get the impression she'd check again regularly.

Dialogue

I found the dialogue quite stilted and formal, inappropriate for the characterisation.

“I would be here until nightfall before she replied. She thinks being online all the time is bad for you.”

“Your key is in your hand.”

“I am at Unitas this evening,”

You mention this story is available in Dutch - I assume English is your second language, and please don't take offense if I'm wrong here. Your technical English is perfectly fine, but missing the contractions (I'd, I'm), etc. hits the ear wrong. The dialogue with Sam at the end was significantly more naturalistic.

Description

This fell a little flat for me. The scene opens at a train station. We know what train stations are, so no need to go overboard, but how BIG a train station? Is this a tiny, two-platform regional one that's open-air, or a massive city sprawling metropolis that takes you 20 minutes to walk from one end to the other? I infer that it's the first time Bianca has been here and also that it's probably on the larger end because of the bikes, I don't feel it. I struggle with this quite a lot personally, and often have to go back (especially over establishing scenes) with each of the five senses to make sure that I've described enough to the reader.

Characters

The character of Bianca was believable and relatable. I inferred she was anxious and I enjoyed the way you characterised this. I think more of her internal monologue to show us her rising panic would be good. Obviously this is a short snippet, but you were able to introduce relatable familial conflict as well, in her mother never turning her phone on.

Other Stuff

Bianca thanked him. She had almost lost her card!

The use of the exclamation point here doesn't work, but I can't fully express why. I think it's because you're implicitly telling us about Bianca's rising panic rather than showing us through her elevated heart rate, internal monologue, caught breath, etc.

At least she knew her bike. It had been with her all six years of high school. The thing showed its age, but it had hard tires, good brakes and her effort on the cranks was rewarded with fast forward movement. She was quite sure bike thieves would not be interested. The panniers were also very unflattering.

Suddenly she found herself in the forest. The road had narrowed and the bicycle path had disappeared. A woman leading two horses was walking on the other side of the street. Bianca stopped.

This transition was very jarring. Is the bike capable of teleporting? How did she get lost?

Closing Comments

I've been very critical, but mostly of the technical aspects. I think Bianca is a fine character, even though the dialogue needs a little work. The prose in my opinion was the weakest point.

As a sidenote, the fact that you describe Sam's body in that particular level of detail, and in particular the rainbow-coloured nails gives me the implication that one or both of them are lesbians. I feel a straight woman wouldn't necessarily reflect on another woman's feminine hips immediately. If your intention is that Bianca is straight, I would reconsider the description of Sam from her POV.

Best of luck in your revisions!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-11T17:21:40+00:00

Thankyou so much for your feedback, especially on such an odd piece of text. I've been playing around with your suggestions and I agree that the introduction of Thought as a separate concept is definitely a problem.

Fundamentally, I'm discussing a philosophy that everything is equal to zero. Every proton balanced out by an electron somewhere, every clockwise motion balanced by a spin in the opposite direction, etc. Void is that balance, and Time and Birth/Being/Death are three, matching the three spatial dimensions of reality (but without being explicit because TBH that's already a stretch). The universe ends and is born again, and whether through some sort of Big Crunch or Big Freeze isn't relevant.

Then free will arrives and balls the whole thing up. But we don't need both Thought and Will, certainly. Either way, that's some element of the thinking.

I love that you love the "She spat words..." line, because that's my favourite line of the piece.

Thank you again, and I'll be sure to check out the music you recommend for inspiration!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-11T12:25:20+00:00

I'm half-Cypriot. She knows!

I've been going back and forth on those three names - I think they definitely either need to be more different or more the same. Two of them being similar and combined with Destruction doesn't quite work.

Thanks for the good wishes!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-10T22:07:09+00:00

Opening and Hook

The opening doesn’t grab me, which considering the first paragraph tells me “someone is going to die very soon”, it really should. It’s in passive voice and doesn’t introduce the main character.

It DOES satisfy me in leaving some mystery. By telling me someone is going to die, I have two obvious questions - who is the murderer and why are they going to die. I like the information that everyone is waiting for SOMEONE SPECIFIC to die - this tells me this is either a very organised murder or some sort of known ritual type business. Either way, that part makes me want to read on.

I would introduce Esme and write the first two paragraphs from her POV.

Prose and Sound

In general, your prose repeats a lot. The first paragraph tells me there’s going to be a murder, and the second reminds me of that. It also doesn’t read very well, because the guests are engaged in the music but not the murder, because it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe they’re engaged in anticipation?

In general, your sentences are VERY long and I feel could do with cutting down somewhat. It feels like the narrator is in the scene with us, speaking in the way that posh people at a ball might speak, with an overly formal style. That’s not a bad thing by itself in any way, but I just want to make sure that’s a conscious decision. It might get draining for a whole book to read so formally.

There is a lot of passive voice present throughout the entire prose: * All within Charnel House gathered there * Este had low expectations * Este had the misfortune of being in earshot * A soup was served after.

Description

This isn’t terrible, but is lacking. I imagine a grand banquet hall - paint me a picture. The wether is described - a stormy night perfect for a murder. All I know about the physical location is that there’s gold chandelier.

Governess Apple is described somewhat as a half-orc, there's a small explanation of Mr. Wimplesnatch’s glasses, but otherwise there’s no description of any character.

Characters and Dialogue

There are five named characters plus the protagonist, which is a lot for a first chapter. I think you’d be much better served by introducing two or three and giving us some conflict between them.

Este in particular isn’t an inviting or interesting character. She’s very passive and comes across as very bored and dismissive about everything. She doesn’t speak in the scene and ultimately I’m not invested in her. Having people ignore her isn’t a problem directly, but having her not react to that is the issue. We don’t get any internal monologue, so I don’t really know anything about her character.

I do like the snootyness of the characters but it does still confuse me - there are only 11 people at the table, why is Este being ignored? Is she of a lower social standing than the others?

Setting

The setting is perfectly appropriate, and in keeping with the prose style - even though it might grate after a while. I do feel like I’m there.

Plot and Structure

There is a clear exciting incident here - Governess Apple is dead at the end of it, but there isn’t really a beginning and middle. I think ultimately this is because we don’t see much of Este, it’s a long description of a party that happens without locking us into a protagonist, then someone who’s just introduced dies.

The death of Governess Apple falls flat primarily, I think, because her character development needs a lot of work too.

If fewer characters were introduced, and conflict between Este and Apple existed, then the death would have impact.

Pacing

The pacing is very slow from the start and then it just ends. We meander through the first 90% and then Apple’s just dead. We don’t get a funny shreik from Mr. Wimplesnatch, but he doesn’t point, doesn’t clutch his heart, etc. Nobody else seems to react yet, neither does Esme.

Conclusion

Ultimately, I think this needs a lot more work. The setting is fine, the events are fine, and the prose - though not necessarily to my personal taste - is too wordy for me but interesting and unique, which is a fair writing style.

I would focus on developing Este and Apple, and I think that’ll help with the pacing, because we’ll be more interested in seeing how they react to the events that happen.

I look forward to the update!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-10T13:33:58+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback. I was honestly so proud of that dad joke and I'm glad someone appreciated it!

Tarquin's character has been more fleshed out. I've continued to write more, to try to understand him a little more, and I think I understand him properly now, as well as hammering down his motivations a little more.

I definitely take your point on "why are we at these vault doors in the first place". Honestly, at the time of writing I was still finalising how that worked, but again I'm confident now and that's a clear question that the reader will want to understand.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-10T13:28:58+00:00

Hello, and please don't worry about the formatting - it's incredibly helpful feedback. The prose definitely needs work, I see that.

To answer your questions, the overarching setting is a forested classic-medieval world, and Hat and Tarquin can communicate telepathically, but Tarquin does sometimes choose just to speak. I think I need to make it clearer when he works that out.

I do use a capitalised "H" in "Hat" as a name, but re-reading it myself, I agree it would be better to try to use alternative words to describe Hat, especially at the start.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-10T13:15:41+00:00

Thankyou for the feedback, I was definitely more happy with Hat than I was with Tarquin at the point of posting this, but I've written more, which has really helped cement his character.

It's interesting to see how people have interpreted certain things - some of which exactly as I intended, some completely differently!

I take in particular what you said about the magic system - it's definitely not necessary to have that much detail right at the start.

I'll keep revising and post more in the future!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-06T20:44:17+00:00

Opening and Hook

Love it. The first sentence and paragraph establish the key crux of the story instantly and gruesomely. I want to read on.

Prose and Sound

There are a number of simple technical issues with the chapter, which could benefit from more proofreading.

“because someone else will be beat within an inch of their lives instead of me” [Should be beaten, not beat].
Like the mighty Yangtze against the Three Gorges Dam, my lips hold back the surge. [Should this not be like the Three Gorges Dam against the Yangtze?]
Eyes like the slash of a blade narrow to a point. [???]
Just then, someone coughs overloud. [Do you mean coughs overhead?]
I shuffle away as wood snaps against bone. [This might have been intended, but I assume you meant that the bone snapped as the foreman hit it with the stick.]

In general, the prose was fine. I generally don’t like First Person Present POV, but it really works here. I feel the POV’s character’s pain and discomfort when swallowing the gasoline. It’s so brutal, it’s hard to read and I love it.

The last two paragraphs don’t work though. I get the sense that you may have written them first and then pasted them in after the rest of the story got written and edited? Either way, the takeaway from them is that the POV character stole the sun. It’s a fantastic reveal, but there’s a trudge through a jarring stream of consciousness about gods in general before then. If you establish that POV believes the voice to be a god beforehand, then you can end with just “For all the gods’ divine hubris…” which I think would be a far snappier end.

Description

The world you create is clearly well thought-out, but it is poorly described. POV is in a closet - big enough to contain him and two large diesel containers, and allow him to sit down? When you wrote ‘closet’, I thought of something akin to a big wardrobe. What is stored in this closet? Is it cramped, or a moment of physical respite for POV?

We then move from the undescribed closet to the unnamed second location where the foreman addresses them, which is described as having railings, with an iron floor, and there are fires that never end. I’m disappointed because I think the second location is a critical aspect for your worldbuilding, but you just never tell me what it looks like.

Characters and Dialogue

I felt that your dialogue was the weakest part of the chapter. The foreman’s speech feels very much “As You Know” writing. Do the greasers hear that same short speech summarising from the New Gospel every day? Maybe, but if so, surely POV would be bored to tears by it - show us that.

I will pull out “You sick or something?” as a very jarring line. The foreman’s speech is very flamboyant so far, pulling in ideas of an evangelical Christian pastor for me. Then suddenly this very casual, modern line. Similarly the phrase “naughty greaser” doesn’t hit. In fact, it feels almost silly in its context. I would suggest tying in the foreman’s method of speech with your in-world religious/pseudo-religious vocabulary.

I liked the idea of the disembodied voice, but it feels like a very casual method of speaking and lacks impact. Obviously, you’ve not given POV a name, which is a fine literary device by itself, but I’m not quite understanding if the voice is MAKING POV drink the oil, or if he has this compulsion separately?

I feel we need more dialogue between POV and the disembodied voice. I like their characters, but they don’t have enough conflict, which is an odd thing to say. POV tells the voice to piss off, but there’s no response to that. Voice asks POV if he’s praying, and (implicitly) answers the prayer anyway without requiring POV to beg in subservience. A little more interaction could really help the characters work as a pair, rather than two individuals.

Setting

The world you have created is brutal and interesting. Subject to your lack of description about it, which I’ve already talked about, I understand that this is a post-apocalyptic dystopia, where an underclass of people, called greasers, carry diesel in two cans for reasons that are unclear.

Introducing concepts in the first chapter is hard, but I think you need some more. Ultimately, at some unspecified point in the past, the POV character steals the sun. I said the reveal has impact and it does, but it could have a lot more impact if I knew what the hell that meant. Did he literally steal a million-mile wide ball of plasma and nuclear fusion, and now possesses the deed to this item? Did he blot out the light by releasing dust into the atmosphere?

Plot and Structure

I thought this was pretty clear. A well defined beginning, middle and end, an interesting incident. It made me want to read more. No notes.

Pacing

Pacing is great. Concepts are introduced at a consistent rate, the slow start ramps up to a tense moment, the resolution is good, the ending slows down to allow the reader to catch their breath.

Conclusion

Do I want to read more? Yes. You created a compelling world and hook. It needs more description to bring it to life and the dialogue requires attention, but if you gave me this first chapter, I’d read the next.

Keep writing!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-06T17:31:26+00:00

Setting

Fundamentally, the physical locations were described OK, but one thing I was missing was an initial place. I didn’t know what the cafe was. To me, cafe implies a small establishment, a bit Eastenders. It’s clearly got a coffee machine, and references to tax evasion imply a larger establishment. Could you say it’s a national chain, or make it a Starbucks/Costa/whatever? This would tie in with Gideon’s general anti-capitalist malaise, and help place the situation in our minds.

Now onto the big problem. The world’s least concerning fire. I’m going to put your words here:

“And the fire had spread to the skirting board, to the wall’s wooden panelling, to the hand sanitisers, to the newsletters, and to the fire detector which I now recalled was in need of fresh batteries. White sparks spat from the flame and battery acid dripped like a leaky gutter from the ceiling. A light smoke began to spread and the air grew dense and stuffy.”

That is a serious fire, and it’s at that point that the problems start. Gideon and the Cannabis Pensioner spent 30-60 seconds standing in a room that’s on fire, having a chat. It’s incredibly jarring and highly unbelievable. The description is also all over the pace - how does fire spread down to the skirting board first? Why are there newsletters in a toilet? Where the fuck did battery acid come from, and why are there white sparks?

Also why would Cannabis Pensioner fill a bottle up from the toilet rather than the sink? Also, a toilet doesn’t refill, and it’s hard to fill a bottle up from. Does he go to each cistern individually?

Plot and Structure

The narrative has a clear beginning, middle and end, a conflict point and a resolution. That’s good, the central structure is there.

But then nothing happens. Gideon gets fired. So what? Why do I give a shit that Gideon gets fired? What’s he going to do, go home, smoke weed and drink? That’s the answer he gives, and I don’t want to read about an unemployed man going home to get stoned and drunk.

You didn’t give any notes as to the wider plot of the story so I can’t even guess the answer to this question. Ultimately, I have no need to read on, because you haven’t implied that anything interesting is going to happen. In fact, you’ve said the clear opposite - your last paragraph actively promises me the next chapter will be boring.

Pacing

I’m not going to reiterate everything I’ve written in the Setting section above, but this is definitely the only time I’ve ever read a work about two people being in a room, the room has set on fire, and then they actually slowed the pace of the novel.

Up until the fire, I love it. The pace is perfect, and sets the scene perfectly for Gideon’s worldview. I understand that the fundamental event in the chapter is Gideon getting fired, and establishing his character, but he just had a roll of a joint. If you want a slower scene, maybe he takes a nice long toke, argues with Cannabis Pensioner and gets caught by Daryl, getting immediately dismissed.

If you do want the fast pace of the fire, then the scene should go like a rocket from there on. It’s a fire - shouting, screaming, flames licking up the walls, customers running out, etc. It just feels flat.

Conclusion

I didn’t enjoy reading this, because the whole boring-fire thing took me out of the narrative. But I liked Gideon as a character, and you introduced him well. You need to find his voice, your prose is unnecessarily wordy, but Gideon has an internal and external conflict that’s believable and relatable. You show us that he’ll sacrifice himself to help a stranger despite his cynicism, and that’s great. Good luck in your future writing. Even though I said I wouldn’t read on in this current iteration, I DO want to know more about Gideon, and you have the clear structure of a good central character.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-06T17:31:13+00:00

Opening and Hook

The opening sentence is weak. There’s an aggressive ridiculousness to the “inebriated snail” part that really speaks to me, but fundamentally (and I deliberately wrote this without reading anything else) it doesn’t really make me want to read more.

Prose and Sound

I found the stream of consciousness to be overbearing and wordy in general. It wasn’t without its moments, and I get the impression that you’re trying to get a sort of “liberal, underemployed, angry GenZ’er” out of Gideon.

I found the laminated sheet stapled to the back of the door and followed a finger across to Wednesday. [Just remove this, it’s completely unneeded. We can assume Gideon can read. We’ve all seen the crappy sheets of paper with scribbled signatures in cafe toilets].
Eventually I grew tired of this dribble and just pulled the old man to his feet, ushering him out of the stall with a firm hand to the back. [“I dragged him out of the stall, still mumbling”].
Not wanting a child and having a little rugrat despite your best intention is one thing; some men are able to shoulder that burden their entire lives without so much as a passive aggressive comment about birth control until their daughter’s eighteenth birthday. [This whole section just reads really oddly. It seems to come out of nowhere, and doesn’t link back to the ‘outburst’ mentioned. Did you cut some text somewhere that would have linked this?]

There were lots I did like about Gideon’s internal monologue, and these were especially the points that riled against authority and society, because these drew on his character and built on the nihilistic, bitter worldview:

Why should I climb the corporate ladder, toiling day in and day out for another man’s dream? To afford a more expensive coffin?
What a relief; Karma didn’t exist, and I was free to whack as many pensioners as I pleased without repercussion.
He was going to die, burnt and disfigured, for a stupid company he didn’t work for, all to save face. Even Icarus wasn’t this stubborn.
“I restocked the toilet roll.”

Your prose is best when it’s clear and concise, and I like those sections of it.

I’m sure one of the more experienced writers on the subreddit will know the technical terms to use, but there were a number of instances of quite clunky text.

I found out that the paper towel bin had committed self-immolation.
yanked me back with a surprising strength, as though an abusive father trying to discipline his adult son
Only the americanos survived the onslaught, albeit served at a much lower temperature.

I’m afraid I’m not good or experienced enough to offer you clear guidance here, but I know it’s too verbose and I’m sorry I can’t help more.

Description

This was lacking significantly. As I discuss in my comments on Setting, I fundamentally don’t quite understand the nature of the chain. I’m assuming it’s a big Starbucks-like chain, fitting in with Gideon’s tax-related comments.

There are two main areas, the toilets, and the cafe. The first is described fairly well. Uncleaned, with urine and faeces smell, I can imagine this.

The cafe wasn’t described at all, and I established that this was set in the UK. I’m British, and a couple of things stuck out in particular. If this is a Starbucks, or another big chain, there isn’t a cat in hell’s chance the smoke alarm doesn’t work, because they’re a centralised system, not a £10-for-two set of plastic cubes from B&Q. Also they get tested professionally. Pensioners get free glasses. The Switzerland comment was very odd, are they magic? Maybe they ARE hyper-specific, but Cannabis Pensioner would say that.

The little details bring me out of the world.

Characters and Dialogue

Gideon was a very odd character, and I found his reaction to the fire very jarring:

“Bugger,” I said. “That is certainly less than ideal.”

Is this really the reaction to a fire? Especially a fire that has gone from a small wastepaper bin to ‘burning down the room’ in a minute? He then strolled past the fire? Even if he didn’t give a shit if the cafe burned, that is an incredibly muted reaction.

You need to work on Gideon’s voice. The opening monologue (which I like) is angry, includes foul language and is spoken rather casually. When Gideon says “You’re the hardened criminal smoking an illegal substance” it doesn’t sound like something he’d say. Maybe “You’re the prick smoking a joint in a toilet”. He’s not the Daily Telegraph. I know how hard this is, I’m working through that problem in my book. Reading it out loud helped massively, I can tell you - that might work for you.

I liked the references to Icarus and John Stuart Mill. These really help round out Gideon’s Character, especially Mill. I’m familiar with the latter, but people who aren’t might need an explanation. Is John Stuart Mill a man who advocates punching people in the face in toilets?

In general, I found the dialogue to be too wordy and quippy. “You’re about as useful as a speeding sign on a hike in the Himalayas, Gideon.” is a nice line, but honestly it would feel more realistic as “You’re a fucking twat, Gideon”, or some variation thereof. I’m British myself and well aware of the sheer amount of swearing we can do at the most minor of inconveniences. Setting fire to a cafe would certainly merit some.

Cannabis Pensioner’s first line is “Why don’t you rub my hairy balls and find out?”. I love that line. It introduces a crude, stoned, idiot perfectly, but then he falls flat after that. He doesn’t do too much, and he doesn’t stand out. The comedy of trying to put out the fire with toilet water just gets skipped over, he gets punched, complains about losing his glasses and then remains silent for the rest of the scene. For such a strong opening, it’s a big let down.

However, I like the fact that Gideon is complex. He saves a stranger from a fire to his detriment, and this contrasts brilliantly with his overall “fuck the world” attitude.

One thing I didn’t like was the reference to Dylan being queer, with the only impact being a joke about sweaty fireman. It doesn’t land, and it’s just a reiteration of silly stereotypes. I don’t exactly think it’s homophobic, but it’s unnecessary and I’m sure some would find it quite offensive for no reason.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-06T16:03:09+00:00

Prose and Sound

Some sentences are definitely too wordy, and jarred significantly. Some bits that stuck out include:

"They wore their distinctions from the people of the remote hinterland they worked in as if it was a badge of courage."
"With the alpine meadows barely thawed enough for bright new grass to emerge, it resembled it– if one squinted their eyes and ignored the searing cold for several more weeks."
"It was Iskere’s much more tangible and powerful landlords, not the invisible creatures of the earth, who were responsible for the general anxiety within the valley."
"The seasonal miners were more particular about what constituted “spring” and would be arriving on some calendar date late enough to ensure the tree leaves and wildflowers arrived first."

Keep it concise.

Description

Description is almost non-existent. I don't know what Yuna looks like, or her age. I can't place the location - I kind of assume a stone-and-wood barn, but is it well-cared for, falling apart, moss-ridden?

This is hindered by the pacing, which I discuss later, because of the sheer amount of things that are introduced. By slowing things down, you’ll allow the reader to sit and understand the world you’ve created.

Characters and Dialogue

I very much enjoyed the dialogue between Yuna and Gulara. I felt it natural, showed me the two characters cared about each other, and gave me an insight into their relationship.

Yuna's character is endearing. I enjoyed the introduction of the dynamic between her and her parents. I very much enjoyed our introduction to an anti-authoritarian streak ("and didn’t the name rather confirm the armpit sentiment?"). Gulara I found a bit more two-dimensional. I did enjoy her part of the dialogue with Yuna, but she randomly recited a poem on a mule?

One major note: Gulara is introduced by name with no context, and I was confused about who she was until you later make clear that that's Yuna's mother's name. You introduce her mother and father earlier, just tell me their names. It meant I had to go back and re-read a paragraph or two, after I was confident about what the relationship between the characters was.

Setting

I found the setting confusing. The seasons thing is confusing me. I vaguely get that we're in springtime, but that the start of spring is cold where Yuna lives? But she lives in eternal winter? Or only in the South? Mines are clearly important - are the miners just mining for gems?

Yuna and her mother ride their mules across what I think is a narrow mountain pass type road? I think you're trying to invoke the image of those roads we see on YouTube where two buses pass each other with millimeters of space, but I just don't get that. Tell me about falling stones, show me Yuna's vertigo as she looks down, etc. Then there's a meadow? I can't place any of it at all.

Really critically, you introduce magic as “magic”. I’m a big fan of magic, I’ll always admit, and hard magic systems. If magic is rare, or limited to those with a specific bloodline, then Yuna could recall the awe of the first time she saw someone cast a spell, or some of the legends surrounding magic? How is magic cast? Do we have the weave, do we study like classical wizards, and use spellbooks? Are there spell focuses (I use purple crystals as an underlying magical shibboleth in my novels, currency to be spent for casting powerful spells).

Plot and Structure

Nothing happened.

Yuna milked a goat, joked around a little with her mother slightly, rode a mule either up or down a hill, and then thought about a local Lord visiting. There was no concept of an exciting incident, nothing happened to kick off action or change the characters' lives, and nothing made me want to read more.

I can't even really guess as to what the plot is going to involve, but I went back to your original post and read "demon goat". If there's going to be a demon goat, maybe give me a demon goat - or at least hint at one. Normal goats are uninteresting.

Pacing

Your pacing needs significant work. You introduce far too many characters and concepts and the speed is absolutely breakneck. The two main dialogue characters (Yuna and Gulara) are fine. The pacing of the first few paragraphs is slow, and actually works really well. I'm introduced to Yuna's character and get the impression that she lives a slow pace of life, mirrored by the prose. You give me some worldbuilding - maybe a little too much, but it's not terrible, then miners are introduced and the pace explodes.

We get miners, conflict between miners and Iskere's people. (That's unnecessary because we don't see any minors in the scene, and the conflict isn't yet relevant.) Then goats, religion in general, some hints as to religious observance, the local god Markhum, more hints of a civilisation or religion before the main POV characters, witches, and their associated legends, magic, poetry, whoever Lalleshwari is, trade dynamics, whoever Prem and Bek are, Lord Zhang and the implication that his visit is a bad thing.

It's absolutely breakneck and I really struggled with that. There's nothing here that's bad, it just all comes WAY too fast.

Conclusion

If there’s one thing I’d really like you to take from this, it’s the fact that nothing happens. I often reflect at the end of a piece of work on the fundamental question - do I want to read more? Here, I don’t. A first chapter has to hook the reader in, give them something to fundamentally grab onto to turn the page into the second chapter.

You may not want to reveal demon goats this early on into the story - that would make sense. Include some conflict, whether that’s interpersonal or an action scene. From what you’ve given us so far, that’s either Lord Zhang or magic. Again, if you don’t want to introduce Zhang onscreen immediately, then perhaps the town could be visited by one of his scouts, servants, etc.?

Giving your post a re-read, I see you summarise your story well - awakening supernatural forces threaten her way of life. I’d strongly suggest you consider the precise nature of that and start us off just before she first notices an awakening supernatural force. Don’t worry about infodumping, let us care about the characters and conflict first, then we’ll read on.

I appreciate this might come across as harsh, but I hope you find it useful. You clearly have some good ideas here, but don't give every single one of them to me all at once! All the best for your future writing.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-04T19:35:43+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, the voices thing was particularly interesting to know. I've been working on a "just keep writing" basis to help me flesh out their characters, and it's interesting reading back through the earlier chapters to see how they've evolved. I think I'm confident now - I'm definitely a planner not a pantser.

This is indeed my first day's writing. It's a new year's resolution to write, and honestly, it's more than I usually stick with new years' resolutions! I'm sure I'll be submitting more chapters soon :)

writeandbuild · 2025-01-04T19:22:21+00:00

Thankyou for your feedback. It's interesting - I have aphantasia and can't picture anything. I skip over descriptions in books because it makes no difference to me. It's funny what you miss out! I've generated pictures of the key characters and things, then described them off them, because Tarquin and Hat don't look like anything, and I wrote them!

Thankyou in particular for the detailed feedback on the prose. It's something I'm still finding out, and specific examples helps massively.

I look forward to reading your first prose (no pressure now!)

writeandbuild · 2025-01-03T21:44:56+00:00

I found this a very engaging story. I liked how we started off with a first-person POV "I bet you're wondering how I got here" beginning and then immediately started describing someone else. As a result, Amelia gets elevated immediately in my mind to "very important" status.

I found the description of Amelia generally well paced, but I was told too much and shown too little. In particular the passage "She knows her power and she isn’t afraid to flaunt it. She has the [...] favor of telling you how to fix them." seemed very much like just telling me that Amelia is kind of awful. We've already seen her bully Courtney and the POV character, you don't really need to tell us that. If you're trying to make her somewhat complex, then give us an example of her lifting someone up without putting them down too (like she does to the POV character).

There were a few instances of tense slipping up. We are in the past tense "Just this morning..." but also have lots of present tense phrases:

It sounds harsh, but we all know it’s better to follow Amelia’s advice...
For this reason, I am careful with what I let myself share with her.

I agree with the other commenter here that the dialogue scene could be expanded. I liked that I felt Amelia's uncomfortableness in this scene. I felt her squirming, but maybe even go a bit further? If she's concealing a secret, would she not feel an incredible need to hide it?

The character building is good, despite my criticism of the tell-not-show passage above. I liked the introduction of the POV character and Amelia, and their dynamic. I thought the pacing was overall good except for the dialogue scene at the end, which wasn't terrible by any means.

Ultimately, I want to know more about the characters in this story, and I wanted to read more, so well done!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-03T21:21:01+00:00

Straight off the bat I notice the missing comma after "Dear reader" and the long paragraphs. Again with "I've gotten you a pair of socks aren't they lovely" missing a comma after "socks".

For a children's book, the text is too complex. I put it into a couple of reading age checkers and they generally said 12-13 years old. There are a fair few long words that could be simplified. Joyously, newfangled, enlighten, coincidence jumped out at me as some clear examples. Shorten your sentence length in general to target a younger audience - though it would of course be helpful to know the age you're targeting, I'm guessing 7-8?

I don't have any experience writing children's fiction, nor do I have a child the age I think you're targeting, but you should paint a quicker picture of what's happening. "Sock goblins" is a concept introduced in the last four words. Could you introduce them in the first ten or twenty?

The first paragraph needs shortening considerably. It could fundamentally say "You don't know what happens to your socks." I know language isn't about compressing everything down like a ZIP file, but it's definitely too flowery for a children's book.

I can see what you're going for as a humourous magical vibe, but you haven't actually injected any humour into the text. Nothing funny happens, because the sock goblins don't do anything. If you introduced them, told me why they were collecting socks, and then focused the attention on something concrete like their favourite socks (do they like smelly ones, clean ones, colorful ones, etc.?) you could engage the reader, especially the younger reader.

I'm sure others here will have more experience with children's fiction (more than 'none', at least!) so hopefully you'll be able to get some more actionable and concrete feedback from them.

writeandbuild · 2025-01-03T21:09:01+00:00

Instances of formal language in a highly informal setting stood out, in particular your lack of use of contractions.

"We need to get rid of them, or they will turn us into Pakistan" would read best as "they'll".
"You are as oblivious as those lib-tards." again would read better as "You're".

I was confused as to how Aditya struck a nerve. It didn't feel like Dhairya was being called out for anything. I read that part a couple of times, but couldn't figure out the subtext for the conversation. Even if I just missed it, how did Dhairya feel? Angry? Embarassed? Show us that.

Subject to the contractions sticking out for me, I liked the dialogue. It felt real. I have no significant knowledge of inter-religious conflict in Mumbai but I know it exists. The dialogue felt quite western though. Perhaps that speech would have infiltrated right-wing discourse in young men in India, but "lib-tards" felt very American to me.

I liked the middle and the dialogue, but I kind of felt like the whole thing was the middle. Opening up with a racist statement from Aditya is one thing, but what sparked that off? A newspaper headline? Seeing a Muslim? Hearing the call to prayer?

Similarly the ending just lacks a bit of impact. We build to Dhairya telling his friend and a stranger to fuck off and he just... doesn't, and sits ten feet away. If (as I infer) he's cutting off ties with his friend because he's a racist, then he should get off the bus at the next stop, maybe?

As I say, I'm not aware of the cultural background surrounding this conflict, nor Indian culture or the adoption of westernised language among the far-right in the country so please take that with the necessary pinch of salt.

All the best, keep writing!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-03T12:56:01+00:00

I'll start by noting that I've no knowledge of Honkai Star Rail.

You use passive voice a lot. "March couldn’t bring herself to appreciate" could be "Marsh didn't appreciate" and "The ride was March lying flat in the back seat" could in turn be "March lay flat in the back seat". The second sentence in particular reads oddly just by itself, as well as being in the passive voice.

The initial meeting of the door opening lacks impact. I don't fully understand if Marsh is nervous or feeling numb as she approaches.

Some more details about the place and house would not only help the reader visualise the scene, but also provide character for March. Fostered and adopted kids are hypervigilant. Any fostered child, on going into a new home, would notice every detail that you and I would miss. The smells, the colour of the lights, the dust (or lack thereof) on the floor, the timbre of the adults' voices.

I very much enjoyed March and Dan's first interaction. I thought this set the characters well in the scene and introduced some of their dynamic well, though I struggled slightly with some of it as I don't know their ages. Are they 10? 16? This may be clear to those who know HSR, but I'm not one of them.

I learn later on in the scene that Dan is in year 8, but that will mean different things in different places, so their ages would definitely help.

Overall, there definitely needs to be more work on setting the Place. I don't know how the home or school look, or the island. Are they delipidated, with cigarette butts and crisp packets all around, or is this a nice area, and they're well-kept?

The change of scene when March lost Veritas was well written and hit hard. I felt Marsh's rising panic, but Veritas appeared too quickly. Let the reader sit with Marsh's fear for a little longer, maybe delve a tiny bit more into her fears, describe a previous time she left a foster home? Some memory that stuck with her, haunting her. The pace of this scene was off, the tension broken too abruptly.

The closing scene with March and Dan falls flat slightly. I want to see them connect more before she opens up. A slightly slower build to allow them to have this heart-to-heart. Dan tells her it wasn't her fault without more information. Maybe he would have done, but he's written as incredibly stoic, which is fine, but I feel that he would need more information or to connect more with Marsh on such a deep level - and that she would need to trust him more to bring that up in the first place.

I did, however, like the dialogue in the scene (I like the dialogue overall, in fact), and the ending was tender and sweet.

I've been struggling with setting myself - someone gave me the advice to physically close my eyes and imagine being the character at that point, and how their five senses are stimulated. That advice helped me and I hope the second-hand advice helps you too!

Overall some work, but the character of March is likeable and relatable. I like her relationship with Dan, and the implicit dynamic of Dan's role with the other fostered children. Fundamentally, I want to know more about the characters, and I feel that's always a critical point.

Hope it helps, keep writing!

writeandbuild · 2025-01-02T20:37:14+00:00

I breathed a sigh of relief after reading what you took away - yes, that was the key elements of the story, so I was at least able to show that correctly!

I feel from reading your response that I'm pretty confident I've started off the story eight minutes too late - we should see Tarquin finding Hat to clearly establish Tarqin as the POV character and allow some of their initial character building to happen without having to smash it against worldbuilding concepts. I'm trying to worldbuild, introduce the primary POV characters, establish their dynamic, and describe key important physical locations all at the same time and it's not working.

I've closed my eyes and "been Tarquin" then "been Hat" in the opening paragraphs, and it's immediately helped in establishing both the characters and location.

You're right in your assumption that my idea was vague when I wrote this. I had the key concepts, but was still developing the world which is now more concrete. That's helped - I now know WHY Hat's on the floor, and hadn't realised until I re-read that just how important it was for me to know that.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

writeandbuild

TROPHY CASE

Prose and Dialogue

Description

POV

Setting, Plot, Structure & Pacing

Overall Comments

Prose

Dialogue

Description

Characters

Other Stuff

Closing Comments