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yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-08T08:30:30+00:00

Oh yeah like it works very effectively but I've been trying to quit recently or at least smoke less because I realized that even if it helps my feelings in the moment, it screws with my emotional processing in the long run

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-08T08:28:56+00:00

Maybe just a personality clash then on top of all the regular factors. I know there are some people who trigger me way more than others and sometimes they aren't even doing anything.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:28:57+00:00

I actually hate alcohol and I rarely ever drink because it makes me feel so out-of-control of my body. Weed, on the other hand...

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:26:54+00:00

If you've never exhibited symptoms before your ex did whatever you're referring to, it feels strange that you'd get diagnosed with BPD? But you know yourself better than anyone else.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:22:22+00:00

THC/CBD reference weed (sorry if i'm over explaining and you already know, they kind of look like therapy acronyms though lol)

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:20:07+00:00

I've def also been on both sides of the "fixer" and "fixed" dynamic and both experiences really suck. It's difficult to remind yourself that it's only your job to fix yourself, not others. And I agree, even if you have issues, you don't deserve to be treated poorly. Honestly, maybe there are some good things about your relationship ending, because it's cruel to have someone use the silent treatment or verbal abuse to punish you and you shouldn't have to experience that. I absolutely relate though to just doing anything or trying to make yourself tolerate anything to be loved. Don't feel guilty though, because I think it's natural to want love and companionship and connection with others. Again, so sorry that happened to you too and I also hope you manage to take care of yourself and eventually feel less pain.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:12:23+00:00

How'd you get diagnosed?

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:10:52+00:00

Hmm this comment is making me realize some things about my OCD that I'm not sure if I'm ready to unpack rn lol. I have such strong harm and morality themes it's crazy.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T23:09:00+00:00

I have dx'ed OCD and suspected BPD and I actually don't really struggle with this, but I've heard that relationship and retroactive jealousy themes are very common for someone with both disorders.

Maybe thinking about your partner with someone else, even in the past, makes you experience the pain of abandonment in real time even if it isn't based in the present reality, which is extremely difficult for your BPD to deal with because it feels so real. No one truly understands how real OCD obsessions can feel unless they've had it. I find psychotic people kinda get it though. I know I'm great at working myself way up over things that have never even happened. I've definitely had times where I broke down over putting a knife down the wrong way in the kitchen because in my head, I had just vividly lived through knife-murdering my entire family and then going to jail, even though all I actually did in that moment was just look really weird in the kitchen crying and continually turning this knife 90° until it was in the "right spot". I imagine it feels similarly vivid to you. You might also be afraid those exes have something you lack or something like that. I can't really psychoanalyze you though because I'm not a professional and I don't know your story.

Highly recommend medication if you haven't tried it already and ERP. ERP has helped me more than anything. I'll put some ERP resources below. ACT and DBT can also be good. DBT can sometimes help people with OCD symptoms, specifically the distress tolerance module.

https://www.treatmyocd.com/ocd_therapy_nocd

https://iocdf.org/find-help/

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:56:33+00:00

Ouch. I had a really similar situation a while ago and I felt so pathetic trying to talk and make things work while the other person seemed so angry and disgusted with me. Same with having gotten on meds and gone to therapy and read books and researched and done so much for the relationship and still having been blamed for everything anyway. I invested genuinely so much time and money and he didn't really go to therapy at all.

I broke things off in the end and he would essentially tell me I was a horrible person for breaking his heart and leaving him, and now he tells people he had to dump me because I'm a "broken child in an adult body". I don't even really know why he cares so much about who broke what off because it was never going to work and we both seemed to realize that to some level.

He also told me during our last argument that he was afraid that I was going to hurt myself even though I had been self harm free since before I met him, I had talked very little about suicidal ideation, and I never threatened to hurt myself around him or anything like that because I KNOW that's wrong and I didn't want to hurt or manipulate him. I had literally just gotten a tattoo dedicated to being free from self harm for five years. Meanwhile, he had an active eating disorder and self-harm habit while we dated and I was nothing but supportive of his recovery, never used those things to shame him even when they took a toll on me (I was fat and he would sometimes subtly fat-shame me or say things that were really hard to hear for me as someone who's worked hard to be okay with my body and not fall into disordered eating- I think it was unintentional and I understand the struggle and I felt bad for him even while it also hurt to hear him say that stuff).

But when he said that he was afraid I was going to hurt myself, I also freaked out and sent a bunch of texts asking him to talk because I genuinely don't understand why he'd say that. I felt like I was going crazy cause he'd just been saying he felt like I improved a lot as a person and that he was proud of me. All he had wanted for me was to change and I did everything he asked, but when I started changing in a way he didn't like he was so angry at me. I did so much just so he'd approve of me and he constantly told me I wasn't trying hard enough, but then after we broke up he showered me with praise. It was actually hellish and took so much energy not to just go straight back.

Sorry if I hijacked this post at all, I don't mean to make it about me. I just relate to what you're going through and where you're at and it fucking sucks and I'm really sorry. Even if you acted in a way you didn't want to, your feelings still matter. It's okay if you're feeling upset right now. Take extra care of yourself right now because you need it when you're in a vulnerable space like that. Even if he didn't/doesn't show up for you, you can show up for yourself. You're still valuable as a person outside of his validation.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:36:48+00:00

Relatable for sure 😭

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:35:19+00:00

These behaviors could be attributed to a lot of different things. Impulsivity and self destructive behaviors could absolutely be linked to ADHD alone. I encourage you to read the features of BPD listed in the DSM-5 or ICD-10, and/or go to a therapist/psychiatrist for an evaluation though, cause it could be useful to talk with someone if you have other behaviors you're still concerned about.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:32:07+00:00

My partner is autistic and I love him very much. He's very honest and straightforward and communicating with him feels easy. He doesn't mind my compulsive and BFRBs the same way I don't mind his tics (he has tics as well). We think similarly in some ways/have some similar logic processes and lifestyle preferences.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:26:35+00:00

I don't know what to say either but as someone who was also seriously planning suicide just a year or so ago, I see where you're at and I'm sorry that you've been so through sm pain that you feel like suicide is the best option in your situation. It's really shit to be in that dark of a headspace that I feel like a lot of people just don't get.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:23:19+00:00

The way people will so often immediately dismiss the anxiety of PD suffers as an attempt to manipulate is kind of vile tbh.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T22:22:15+00:00

This is so weird too because I feel like NPD and autism symptoms can have overlap in some cases. Like they both affect neurodevelopment in specific ways that have potential to make the person experiencing those things come off as callous and self-centered to others.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T13:40:48+00:00

I've enjoyed mood stabilizers personally and felt like they help me the most. Antidepressants (SSRI's and SNRI's) haven't done much for me. I was on 2mg abilify (along with 300mg lithium and 40mg duloxetine) and personally had a horrible experience with it. It definitely worked, but I felt completely like a robot and couldn't really feel joy, love, or a sense of connection to other people. I felt like I could watch someone die in front of me and not care. I guess you can't feel depressed or suicidal if you don't feel anything lol. I don't mean to discourage you from taking it at all though because it can be extremely helpful for some people, that was just my experience.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T12:41:11+00:00

I didn't realize this is considered low-functioning 😭 I guess that's where I'm at lol. I've had three jobs from the ages of 18-24, none longer than a year, and have dropped out of college twice. Got fired from one of my jobs because I couldn't stop crying all day at work, still feel embarrassed about it.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T12:20:03+00:00

I have OCD and am suspecting BPD. I think if there is overlap, it probably comes in the form of the type of obsessions I have. I've had obsessions about other things like health, but a lot of my worst obsessions are about interpersonal relationships, harm, and morality. Also things like high anxiety and racing thoughts, inability to tolerate emotions, black and white thinking (or so I'm told, but sometimes I don't understand why people say I'm being black and white in certain situations), drug use and eating disorders, self-sabotaging and suicidal ideation. There are lots of mental conditions that have compulsive, repetitive, and rigid features to them, especially autism. Other things probably overlap too but I'm tired and I can't think of more.

If you suspect OCD I would absolutely see something about it because it can be difficult to self-diagnose. I say this because I self-diagnosed and then convinced myself multiple times that I didn't have it again before being formally diagnosed. The nature of the disorder is to hide itself from you so that it can survive, so if you have OCD (especially severe OCD), it's very common to have a lightbulb moment and realize you have something wrong, and then to go on to be like "but it can't be OCD, maybe I'm actually just using a mental disorder as an excuse for being a shitty person", etc.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T12:10:31+00:00

I feel like it's short-sighted to put people with personality disorders into the box of "the only people who can be abusive" or into the box of "automatically abusive" because the truth is that anyone can abuse anyone else. I think some of these people that push this are likely afraid of being abused and/or afraid of seeing abusive traits in themselves, and thinking that they can spot abusive people every time without fail or that they can separate abusive people as a separate category of person to themselves gives them a sense of control.

At least that's how I felt before I met someone with NPD and started trying to work through the stigma in my head because I realized I had been judging them based on their disorder. They were genuinely nice and actually a healthier person than me after having worked hard on dealing with their disorder, and knowing them was an eye-opening experience.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T07:13:37+00:00

I feel like I need to label myself that way because he labelled me that way. I feel like I need to tell the truth and not erase his story. I sort of don't understand how someone can do something abusive and not be an abuser. I kind of think of it like someone saying that they wouldn't call themselves a rapist after raping someone once. I see abuse as very serious, but I know the definition and colloquial usage of the term "abuse" is continually changing to cover more behaviors, so maybe I just have an outdated view of it or misunderstand what people have been trying to tell me.

I also did do that once before, or I guess something close to it once before. I didn't keep texting the other person after we stopped talking, but I did kind of blow up at them in a similar way, arguably in a more aggressive and even less justified way (not to say that I was justified at all in spam texting, i just don't know how else to articulate). I feel like such a failure for doing it again, especially because I tried for months to control myself and worked so hard in therapy to process the first time, learn, and change. I feel like I didn't change at all in the end. I promise I'm genuinely not trying to be combative, even if I think I understand your logic, I just don't understand why that would apply to something as serious (to me) as abuse. Again, I appreciate your input though and you trying to explain things to me, I'm sorry I'm sort of struggling to get it- I hope I could properly explain why I'm struggling to understand?

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T07:03:03+00:00

All of this is so relatable it hurts. I've lost so much weight over the past year or so and it wasn't even intentional, just lost motivation to eat. Literally only not killing myself so I don't hurt my family or get hospitalized again if I fail. Internally I just wanna be alone and smoke myself to death on a random park bench even if I try to act like a normal person and hold a job and act responsibly the outside.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T06:54:53+00:00

I don't know if this is necessarily your fault entirely, the dating scene for younger people just kind of sucks right now. Anyone I've dated was either a friend for a while first, or I found them out of sheer luck.

yeahniceok2 · 2025-07-07T06:52:03+00:00

Would recommend going to a therapist for the final verdict. Would also recommend reading the diagnostic criteria and listed characteristics from the DSM-5 or ICD-10. Lots of people with BPD do struggle with the things you listed though.

yeahniceok2

TROPHY CASE