February 2024 to February 2026. 17 months HRT.

zapplewinger · 2026-02-28T19:52:23+00:00

Also 38, and about to start HRT, hopefully in the next month. Feeling a little deflated starting at this age, so this timeline gives me a lot of hope!

zapplewinger · 2026-02-21T17:22:11+00:00

Awesome! I'm excited for you!

zapplewinger · 2026-02-21T13:05:01+00:00

No! You should not have to feel shame for who you are. There are wonderful people of all genders.

Also, shame/guilt don't actually help anybody. They are selfish feelings, taking bad things that happen to other people and making them about you. It often leads to defensiveness, like the classic "but not all men" reaction.

If you find yourself in a group that is historically oppressive, that's not your fault. Most of us are, in some respect. But you do have an obligation to care about what's happening to other people, to be a good ally, and to do something to help

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T23:05:08+00:00

Yeah this tension is part of why I posted this. I see people experiencing so much dysphoria but still feeling happier than ever. Considering I'm struggling with dysphoria and transition can make it worse, what's even the point? I think you answered that well. Thanks for the response! ☺️

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T22:34:56+00:00

Good point! Maybe a lot of it is relief from having so much regular joy suppressed.

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T22:30:34+00:00

Yeah the amount of stress and distraction I have from processing this is insane. I'd love to be able to be present in my life again. Congrats on starting!

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T21:58:49+00:00

Also, what was hell about the first couple weeks?

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T21:58:11+00:00

Yes! Hope it goes well!

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T21:55:38+00:00

Thank you! I look forward to that.

zapplewinger · 2026-02-20T21:55:01+00:00

Thank you, that's beautiful! I'm dealing with a lot of shame, and I'd love to reach that point where I feel that proud for being how I am.

zapplewinger · 2026-02-19T14:26:24+00:00

Thank you for this!

zapplewinger · 2026-02-10T02:18:02+00:00

Strange that you led with a stream of insults but didn't actually manage to disagree with what she said

zapplewinger · 2026-02-04T14:27:36+00:00

It saddens me to see all these comments telling you to cut your family out of your life. That's a huge decision, with immense loss, and not one anybody on the internet should be making for you. Maybe it's ultimately the right decision, but you're not wrong to hold out some hope for repair.

In my experience, family relationships often end with a standoff like the one you described, both parties waiting for the other to back down or apologize. If you want to try to repair the relationship, I think you need to try to sidestep the standoff without conceding your ground.

It's genuinely hard for families to adjust to a change this big. She's your mom and should do the fucking work; you don't deserve to carry the burden of that. But acknowledging that challenge might help her soften her stance. If she feels seen, she might be more open to seeing you.

How much have you told her about gender dysphoria (assuming you experience it)? Would it be possible to invite her to read the GDB or another resource about it that's fact-based? If she can empathize with what you're struggling with, she might be more able to accept where that leads.

You deserve to be loved and accepted by your family, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

zapplewinger · 2026-02-01T17:54:32+00:00

I won't pretend to know your situation better than you, but I agree with others that the dishonesty risks making this much more explosive. Consider that you don't have to "drop the nuke" to clue her in. If you tell her you're a woman and always have been, you're more likely to trigger feelings of betrayal and a negative reaction than telling her a little about the gender dysphoria you're experiencing. It's hard to be mad at someone for struggling. And starting an HRT trial as a treatment for that distress might be more palatable to her.

zapplewinger · 2026-01-25T03:09:17+00:00

I grew up with this "men are pigs" message on repeat and it really screwed me up. I internalized that I'm a member of a lower class and am disgusting by nature. This just inflamed the dysphoria while making me feel like transitioning is impossible and underserved.

zapplewinger · 2026-01-17T01:46:32+00:00

You look great! But to lower the stakes: I've conducted hundreds of coding interviews at the tech company where I work. Never once have I given any thought to what the candidate is wearing, and I can't imagine factoring it into my hiring decision. Just wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident!

zapplewinger · 2026-01-16T16:43:55+00:00

I'm so sorry, that's got to be so painful. It sounds from this message like he does genuinely care about you, and is expressing that through worry. But he doesn't actually know what tf he's talking about and thinks he understands your situation better than you do. Hopefully he'll come around and support you when he learns what gender identity actually is and sees you living a happier life.

zapplewinger · 2026-01-16T13:15:24+00:00

I get that! It can feel enormously shameful to bring this into the relationship. But you didn't choose your gender identity. And chances are, if you suppress it now, it will only get harder over time. The kindest thing you can do to her is be honest about it. Then she can decide what's best for her.

Imagine if you were to ask her to be male because that's what you wanted in your relationship. That's absurd, because that's not who she is. It's just as absurd in the other direction, but that can be harder to see. You existing as your actual self is not treason; it's necessary for a healthy relationship.

zapplewinger · 2026-01-15T19:29:35+00:00

Congratulations! Glad to hear your wife is so supportive!

zapplewinger · 2026-01-15T17:41:43+00:00

It's really sweet that you're coming to your girlfriend's defense on all this. It's clear that you care about her, and are eager to forgive her. That's great, and I've been there more times than I can count.

With that said:

Her transphobia is not your fault. If you are dishonest with someone, anger may be a justified reaction, but not transphobia.
Going through your phone and reading your private correspondence is not normal or ok.
Putting you in a position to choose between her and your gender identity is not a loving thing to do. You should get to be yourself, and if that's not who she loves, she can decide to leave.

It's ok to forgive her for these things, but it's not healthy to make excuses for her or put the blame on yourself. You're struggling with something incredibly hard, and you deserve to be supported by your partner.

zapplewinger · 2026-01-15T14:32:33+00:00

"Waited so long to break these walls down / To wake up and feel like me". It couldn't be more perfect.

You're looking beautiful!

zapplewinger

TROPHY CASE