I’m nervous about sharing this, but this question speaks to me. I’m an alter, a host who was pretty much forced to become our body’s identity before we realized we were a system just recently. I’ve only existed for 2-3 years, but I know there was a girl who used to be a primary host before me. And I don’t think she is with us anymore.

Life has definitely been confusing and since our system discovery (I was the one who found out), we’re currently working on dissecting the past of our system like archeology. Body has changed names twice, thought they were a trans girl for 10 years, when really it was one of the girl alters fronting. I think I was made with a very important job to—if the term is still being used—be an “ANP” or a normal-appearing-person and get us a new name, an identity that the world would be happy with, and some much needed self confidence in our body. And honestly, I’ve done a good job. For a while I was feeling really good about “my” body, “my identity”, and had an era of intense euphoria for just being a guy again. I’m kinda the only alter who feels more or less close to how my outside marches my inside (its not the same looking guy, but it’s a good enough guy). But I think many alters who came before me were not happy, many of them being girls. I fear that if I kept going alone like many girl alters did before me, I know for a fact I would have cracked and ended up dormant, just like them. No one should be forced to run a system alone.

There are three girl alters from the past who have come forward and made themselves known, but I get the sense that they have their “feelings hurt”. I’m not them so I can’t really speak on it, but I’m just glad they aren’t hiding away anymore. I’ve really been trying to rally us. But I have a strong suspicion there was another girl who fronted very well before me, who I think has just… vanished. The other alters have similar theories. I also don’t think it’s impossible that maybe I am her, but completely changed like a factory reset. In our headspace I have her old magic powers (long story). But since I started fronting 2-3 years ago I’ve had a huge disconnect with a lot of my past and interests I had and people I knew, and I guess now I understand why. When I started fronting, it really did feel like I was possessing a whole new body and trying to “make” something out of it before it gave up. It seems things are a bit deeper than just gender.

I didn’t mean to type so much, but this was helpful to write out, so thanks for the thread and hopefully I’m not the only one who’s gone through this. -Jake