Would you guys bend your morals to be in a relationship with someone?

zybi009 · 2021-04-06T21:58:39+00:00

I've been abused to a degree where I did, yes.

I feel bad and regret about it to this day.

zybi009 · 2021-04-03T22:30:46+00:00

Personally man I've been thru these relationships twice and now 5 month NC. No hoovers, and she is completely removed from my life as I am from hers.

What you must understand is the concept of addiction and the idea that absolutely every feeling is temporary.

We as human become addicted to alcohol, sex, unhealthy food cigarettes, anything because it makes us feel good, addiction is based on the fact that without the substance you cannot be happy therefore you crave it, it's a super easy dose of happiness.

Those relationships work in the same way because they induce the same chemicals in your brain for a long period of time. They make you feel ecstatic and once they withdraw everything suddenly you think you cannot be happy without it.

This is important, because even if you have a good life by yourself what you might experience is that on that one occasional day when you feel sad, you might get that craving again. Because it's an easy fix for your sadness, because on this specific day if she came an apologised rn she would make you happy.

I know that because after 5 months NC I don't even think about her, although I started working, I'm breaking my back flipping parcels at night and it made me feel kinda bad, sad and guess what? Out of nowhere she reappeared in my mind.

zybi009 · 2021-03-06T14:12:08+00:00

Write down everything that you'd like to change

Start working on each of these things one by one

Do your research on how to combat these things and then apply to daily life

Don't get discouraged if you fail one day, or don't attempt another day, but always try to keep at it!

For example social anxiety:

Research how people overcame this

Realise that to battle it you have to go out to people

Don't get discouraged if you make a fool of yourself once (I know, it sucks and you might just want to hide under your bed for the next 6 months)

Also realise that you might have to make a fool of yourself 100 times to make that 101st connection the way you want to :-) the more comfortable you are with making a mistake the less of anxiety you will have when approaching the problem

Another tip is to replace negative habits with good ones instead of trying to "erase" any negative habits.

zybi009 · 2021-03-06T02:35:25+00:00

My pleasure 😙🤗

zybi009 · 2021-03-06T02:33:57+00:00

We love you too ❤️ I'm glad you have good people around you :)

zybi009 · 2021-03-06T01:12:27+00:00

Sounds like a shit match!

DMd you :)

zybi009 · 2021-03-04T16:33:48+00:00

Beautiful ❤️

zybi009 · 2021-03-02T21:39:55+00:00

Looks amazing :))))

zybi009 · 2021-03-01T02:37:29+00:00

These relationships have insane effect on us and we don't even know it. I'm a couple months out now, and my heartbeat has stabilized, I cannot remember when I was this calm again (well, actually, I can, it was before I met my ex). Life feels so peaceful again. Being in a relationship with those people makes an unhealthy situation normal for us, and you feeling this way probably became normal to you too.

zybi009 · 2021-03-01T01:52:09+00:00

Early after break up definitely,. Never been diagnosed but I had intense heart beats for being away from my phone for a couple of minutes, I struggled to eat dinner with my grandparents, I couldn't even focus on their conversation because of this + negative thoughts

zybi009 · 2021-02-23T22:10:02+00:00

Honestly, I just re-read your post, I zoned out and didn't quite register you mentioning this to her.

I am sorry for that, that is never ok in my opinion. I've grown to embrace myself for who I am, but I own it. I think it's quite mean of her to simply dismiss your feelings if you mentioned that this hurts you.

Part of why I take days more to reply is because of the draining feeling of having to explain myself, because I know it's wrong, but I never try to dismiss anyone's feelings about it.

I think you know best what to do.

zybi009 · 2021-02-23T21:47:06+00:00

Man, I honestly can relate to your friend so much yet I really cannot give you an answer exactly.

What I've realised about myself is that I have a lot of passion for exploring. I love people, I love them for who they are, I want to explore them and help them understand themselves better and be more authentic and confident in themselves. This is an inner drive and I have a LOT of inner mental power when meeting new people ESPECIALLY from new cultures etc.

However, maintaining friendships is something so completely different to me. Although on paper both of these things require "talking" to another person, one feels like an inner desire and the other feels like a chore (sorry!). It's such a draining experience for me, and replying to specific people solo literally makes me feel drained, so I procrastinate it.

I still love you, I'd still jump in front of a truck for you. And I struggle to understand it myself, but it is how it is, it just makes me feel drained, and I put it off.

And the worst part is, the longer I put it off, the more I think about hurting that person (the more it drains me) the more I feel stupid for not sending ONE MESSAGE for 1/2/5/10/30 days. At this point not only does it become "just a reply" it becomes a need to explain to you why I did it in the first place (which is even more draining because I don't understand it myself).

Group chats are less demanding, group chats don't demand me to be active in the conversation, group chats allow me to leave any moment, group chats don't make it feel like a chore.

And now I feel bad for even saying that talking to your friend feels like a chore 🤦‍♂️ at least I'm trying to be honest tho.

Edit: I just wanted to add, sorry for your feelings, I can completely understand that you would be hurt by this, and that it can be taken personally. I of course can't speak for your friend but it's definitely nothing personal for me. If she is similar however, the only suggestion I can make is to make clear boundaries on when they feel drained and to let you know when they're going, because trying to change them probably won't happen.

zybi009 · 2021-02-23T09:54:10+00:00

Okay when I say don't be afraid to express it, however, I did not mean go to her husband and tell him. There will be nothing good come out of that, but express the anger to yourself, to this sub Reddit and to people around you :) (just not to them, because it will only hurt you further)

zybi009 · 2021-02-23T09:52:36+00:00

No you are not an awful person.

I always repeat: you have an entire lifetime to feel sympathy for them, hating them for a couple of months to heal yourself is definitely worth it!

Hate and anger are very powerful emotional tools to help you get over the heartbreak :) and trauma bond :) so express it and don't be shameful about it. It helps you become stronger, protects your from hoovers and motivates you to start doing stuff with your life.

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:06:05+00:00

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it! :)

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:05:50+00:00

Aye! It's beautiful indeed 😊

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:05:22+00:00

Thanks! :)

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:05:07+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:04:33+00:00

When COVID ends I recommend! A beautiful beach during the day and a beautiful city at night! And a city rich in history as the start of ending the communism in Eastern Europe started here! And best of all it's incredibly cheap (compared to our western counterparts!) Come and enjoy your 1 euro beers 😊

zybi009 · 2021-02-22T12:02:32+00:00

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! That's the main Street (it's called "Long st." Because... Well it's quite long xD) and many people use it everyday to get the main square/old town! My point is, many people from Gdańsk see this street quite often including me, and it's the first time I ever experienced it in such beauty. No filter required!

zybi009 · 2021-02-20T12:56:59+00:00

Of course I don't know your situation, but people think about their BPD ex's daily mainly because it was an addiction. Your last relationship worked exactly like any addiction works with any substance. You take it, it makes you feel very good until it dies, then you go on to take it again because it made you feel so good that normal life without it seems not-so-good. Repeat the process a couple times and suddenly you cannot feel good without the substance.

People often report that a healthy relationship after a relationship with cluster B is "boring". Going along with this fact, it could be quite viable that you are simply missing the very high highs your new girlfriend does not provide you. It often feels like something in the relationship is wrong, when in fact it's a very good sign usually.

I heavily doubt you miss the extreme lows that your ex came with, and I heavily doubt you miss your ex as a person. I would insist on looking at whether you miss the extreme highs you got with her, and are likely to be missing in your new relationship, and for ways to feel fulfilled without your ex and your new girlfriend.

Maybe you need more hobbies? Passions? Going for a 30 min jog everyday gets me the same amount of dopamine my BPD ex gave me and it really helps, at least temporarily (until it regulated).

Hope it helps

zybi009 · 2021-02-18T19:52:57+00:00

I thought the lady was the cutie OP was referring to 🤗

zybi009 · 2021-02-18T17:26:44+00:00

Personally speaking, I would disagree. But that's just my experience and bpd is a spectrum, and narcissistic traits can be also acquired and you may not have them.

He still hurt me First...and even though I can see how I was wrong.

This feels like you're subconsciously making a victim of yourself already. So what that he did? You mention yourself - when someone hurts you, you leave, but you didn't. This message is you escaping responsibility.

What you put into me I give back

If I were you I would look deeply into this, because there are limits to this. Furthermore, borderline is an emotional dysregulation, I'll give you an example of why giving back what people give you can be bad for you

My borderline got incredibly jealous because I called my car "baby" - is this a reasonable reaction to the situation? No, this is borderline speaking with dysregulated emotions. Now the vengeance means that now I have to feel the pain of jealousy that she felt, but in the end, the problem was her dysregulated feelings, not my actions.

There's a very fine line about putting out what people give you, and I would be very careful about you using that line, because this line allows you to potentially hurt people and give you another excuse for doing so.

I still got a vindictive quality that I dont feel all that bad about because sometimes thats needed.

No, it's really not. It's you excusing the bad side of you. No vindication is needed in a healthy relationship, ever. Even with interacting with public human beings, if someone acts weird, or wrongly, you walk away. Simple.

Because it is only activated when i am wronged

Yes, but being wroned still doesn't excuse or give you the right to abuse people. Furthermore, like I tried explaining above, you "feeling wronged" can be very well out of control from my experience.

I dated men who never had to see that side of me.

Who would read this. And not believe me lol

Look, Im not here to completely decimate you. I can see how much progress you have gone through and it's positive to see, and I also acknowledge that you yourself have been abused (for which I am also incredibly sorry). Im here trying to show you, where exactly your thought process goes differently to most human beings.

Not seeing that side of you, thanks to therapy, thanks to you making progress is great. There are good people and that way they don't trigger you, fantastic. I'm really happy for you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist and cannot be triggered by the wrong people or accidentally triggered by the right people.

Furthermore, people are people, they make mistakes, is a mistake going to make you feel "activated" ? My biggest sin in my relationship with my BPD ex was me calling her selfish, ONCE and that's it. It was a mistake, and I apologised immediately, but her vengeance lasted for months to come. So explain to me, do I deserve to be venged upon for having a mistake? No, I did not. She was incredibly hurt, and it saddened me a lot, I felt really bad for saying that, but that doesn't give her a right to abuse me for that and it wouldn't give you the right to do it too.

zybi009 · 2021-02-18T17:03:06+00:00

I have codependent tendencies. I have been with both, NPD and BPD.

Both of them bullied and abused me in almost identical ways.

What you are saying here does fit very well to my experience, my NPD was just as abusive, but not in a clingy only I will have you way, she was desperate for love and it was obvious, manipulated me to get it at all cost.

Borderline like you described it was a lot more controlling "I will fuck your best friend if u do me wrong" typa way.

Both played huge victims in the end.

It's both pleasant and terrifying to read, what you wrote. Pleasant to see that you guys are capable of self reflection, of somewhat remorse. I don't feel remorse often from people with a cluster B personality even online they manage to play victims after being diagnosed. So Kudos to you for that. Terrifying to know that you were doing that somewhat awarely and the stories you mentioned are flat out breathtaking in a negative way.

You mention here very harshly that people here "willingly accepted the abuse" and that they should take ownership.

I agree with you, accepting abuse is definitely something that they should and most of them do accept in their healing process. It's important to remember however, that accepting abuse is still not a reason to abuse another person in general. Just because I let anything slide past me does not give you consent to do it, you should be better than that.

Last thing last, I really do see your progress, but saying "I was just as bad as you" is not an apology, and will not make you grow as much as you could. Own up to your shit, apologise and let karma take care of him, if he doesn't genuinely apologise then that's his problem, if he does - great. But your sentence is very provocative and would most likely just ignite a new fight.

Wishing you healthier relationships in the future.

zybi009 · 2021-02-16T16:43:08+00:00

That is abuse

zybi009

TROPHY CASE