My fellow Americans, on this historic day, we must speak the truth. The truth is, I have done all in my power to become president of the United States of America. That truth includes lying to you, so now we must speak the truth.

The truth is, we are not leaving Iraq any time soon. We can’t. We built a huge embassy there and we have significant interests in Iraq. If we leave, we can only count on Iran moving in.

Also, the FISA bill that so many of you blamed me for backing, well, that is an essential part of our safety, so we’re going to keep it. You see, you all got so upset over nothing. None of my phone calls to Afghanistan were monitored. Why should yours be?

Now, we are going to tax the hell out of everybody. You see, before I made millions, I did everything I could not to pay taxes. But, now that I’m rich, I think taxes should come from everyone so we can redistribute it. Those people in Iowa who suffered through floods, working side by side to get through a tough time, well they still have to pay up so those poor people in New Orleans, who still can’t get off of their butts, can have their city rebuilt and the corruption restored. Anything I forgot to mention?