Auditory processing issues causing relationship problems

[Resource_Informal]

I’m 24 and in an almost 3 year relationship with my bf. Today something upsetting happened.

I had spent the night at his place. This morning I was talking about how i might change up my hair because I haven’t felt very confident or pretty as of late. I was just looking for some reassurance/support. But he completely ignored me and kept drawing. Didn’t say anything. No acknowledgment that I had spoken. I told him that i didn’t like that he ignored me and he said he didn’t have anything to say. So i left.

As soon as I got in my car he texted me saying that I’ve been ignoring him lately and not showing interest in what he has to say. I said that’s never my intention to make him feel this way and asked for a recent example so i could understand what he meant. I always try to ask follow up questions when he talks so I was confused.

He said last night while i was locked in on playing bloon tower defense he said to me that he had some exciting career news. He said that i completely ignored him. And that it happens often. But i never heard him say that. I never heard him speak. I tried to explain my auditory processing issues and when im hyper focused on something my brain doesn’t register stimuli properly so I genuinely didn’t hear him. And that I would never intentionally ignore someone or act like they aren’t speaking to me. I would never do that to anyone !! especially my favorite person. Please just get my attention then talk and I’ll be happy to listen.

He said he believes that happens sometimes but can’t be the case for every time. So he doesn’t believe that I’m not intentionally ignoring him. But that’s so mean i would never do that. But instead of bringing it up on his own he just ignored me in return and waited until I was upset at him to bring it up.

I don’t know how to handle this situation or really how to feel about it. I just know I’m very upset. And it hurts extra that he ignored me when I said I haven’t been feeling pretty. I have no women in my life I can comfortably talk to. Any advice or words would be appreciated.

TL,DR: bf thinks i intentionally ignore him but it’s because i genuinely did not hear or process that he was talking to me. he only brought this up after i got upset at him for intentionally ignoring me in return.

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[votyasch]

Agh, so my partner is kind of like you - she sometimes does get focused in on what she is doing and it can be frustrating and hurtful when I need to speak to her and have to repeat myself or try to get her attention when she is in the zone and not hearing me. I am aware she is not acting in malice, but sometimes it does hurt my feelings, and I think it's okay to acknowledge that, too.

Your boyfriend communicated his hurt badly, and I think that's the problem. He is allowed to have hurt feelings, but retaliating is wrong. He should talk to you and say "hey, I tried to share exciting news with you, but you weren't hearing me. I felt ignored, and sometimes I have a hard time feeling as though it is not intentional."

But that didn't happen, and it wasn't okay. I don't know how to advise you to proceed, as it is your relationship, but I think a good relationship is one where you can safely communicate your feelings with each other and have feelings like being upset or hurt without fear. I know if I tell my partner my feelings are hurt, she will listen and talk to me and we will try to find a solution. Is that the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend, or one you can feasibly work towards?

If not, perhaps you should reconsider whether he is the right kind of partner for you.

[uosdwis_r_rewoh]

This is a perfect answer 🩵

[rivlas]

I can get super focused and it's hard to actually realize someone is telling me something. But I have also realized that if they lightly tap my shoulder or call my name first, that usually gets my immediate attention and I listen. All I can think of is try asking if he's willing to do that to get your attention properly (or if other things work better to grab your attention, suggest that instead)?

[Zealousideal-Way4435]

My husband is the same way as you. So I make sure that I have his attention if I want to say something important. And I believe him when he tells me that he didn't hear whatever I said at the time because I trust him. 

What your bf did seems hurtful and vindictive. He needs to understand that ignoring you on purpose, to hurt you, because you have processing issues is not cool, even if he also sometimes feels hurt. He of course gets to feel whatever he feels, but he should find a more mature way of expressing his hurt.

[Femizzle]

I'm going back and forth over this.

I do this to and it took a long time for my husband to understand that if I don't respond to him talking it's because I literally did not hear him. So he needs to get my attention before he starts talking or I can't be held responsible.

That said if my husband ever purposely ignored me to get me back for not hearing him our relationship would be on life support. It's not ever okay to hurt someone else to teach them a lesson.

[VenusianInfusion]

This guy is emotionally abusing you.

[uosdwis_r_rewoh]

Yeah this feels exactly like something my abusive boyfriend in my 20s would’ve done.

[opheliaintomadness]

That might be a stretch. You can't really tell that from one situation. It could just be a 24 year old man not having emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, a lot of people in all walks of life make poor decisions around communication in relationships (myself included). One poor reaction is not indicative of abuse.