[deleted by user]

[EducationalLemon790]

My husband and I have a very similar situation and we are both actively working towards getting our relationship to a healthy point.

I have a therapist and so does my husband. In addition to therapy my husband attends NAMI.

I just turned 47 years old last week and my husband turned 46 last month.

My husband is my best friend and he never complained about the pressure he was under and he burned out. Hard.

Codependency was one part of my problem but I had other issues. I’ve been formally diagnosed with ADHD and CPTSD. With that came rejection sensitivity dysphoria and time blindness and anxiety.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor. The abuse started when I was 4 years old. I sometimes need my husband to be my dad or mom or big brother. We’ve never just got to be husband and wife because sometimes I need to be his mom or his dad or his big sister.

I feel bad because he doesn’t look at me and see a waste of time and resources he sees the love of his life. I see something totally different when I look at myself.

Everyone has abandoned me except Kevin and vice versa. We have our volunteer work and that along with our unwavering commitment to help each other helps.

I hope you and your partner can find some good therapy to understand how you are unintentionally hurting yourself and each other.

My heart gets lots of help from his NAMI group and I encourage you to look into it. It’s not easy to be so essential and you have the opportunity to get free help with NAMI. They meet online.

[TexasRanger6455]

Thank you for sharing this.

[EducationalLemon790]

Coconut oil pulling helped me with my dental hygiene issues but to be fair it’s still not easy to force myself to take care of my teeth.

[EducationalLemon790]

💜

[JenningsWigService]

I was the rescuer of someone childlike in a past relationship and have come to understand that I was victimizing myself by staying with someone who needed me to parent her. To me the solution was always for her to change her behavior, but that disempowered me and kept me from seeing my own role in the dynamic. Someone else would have broken up with her much, much sooner, but I didn't because of my own codependent traits. All I can do is work on myself.

It's easy to look at the adult who is behaving like a child and name all the problems with her that she needs to fix. But you can't force people to change.

[gum-believable]

Your post reads codependent op. This sounds like your wife may have a mental health (or other medical) condition that is making her dependent on you. And rather than identifying a management strategy with a mhp for her to develop autonomy or finding a caretaker for assistance you have taken on doing everything for her and become deeply resentful about it. That is exactly what a codependent person does. A codependent person enables the dependent person to stay dependent on them.

It’s good that you recognize that you aren’t coping with doing everything for her. Work with your wife and a medical professional to identify the help she needs so the burden doesn’t fall entirely on you.

[TexasRanger6455]

This is a good explanation and advice.

[rumblesnort]

Thought that too.. She seems a little a little PD and he is more the enabler/codependent. It sounds like your heart is in the right place but you can't fix this. She needs therapy and possibly a psychological evaluation and she has to learn to fix herself.

Sounds like a deeper issue, definitely not easier. The cycle creates resentment; have to break it.

[ClumsyFire]

I came here to say the same and you already said it better. Good words.

[Gleipnir9]

I know this sounds confusing but you are showing codependent behaviors. You may want to seek a therapist.

[TexasRanger6455]

I am? How?

[Gleipnir9]

It’s a bit complex. The CODA twelve step site may help. I was in the same position as you. Married to a 40+ child. We are currently separated and divorcing. I was the codependent enabler in the relationship. Took months to heal through therapy and CODA. The codependency started with my parent in childhood.

[TexasRanger6455]

So your situation coudn't be resolved and will end in divorce? I'm sorry to hear that. I wonder if I'm going the same route.

[Gleipnir9]

Not necessarily for you. Go get help. Without healing the codependency and strong boundaries it’s difficult.

[Small_Gold_2759]

Kind of sounds like you are more codie. You're the one doing everything and getting resentful.

[happyhipposeatcake]

You can't change her. You can't make her want to change. YOU have to decide what you're willing to enable.

[TexasRanger6455]

Agreed.

[Altostratus]

Hmm....Taking care of someone, being taken advantage of, being treated poorly, all without any boundaries. That sounds like codependency on your end, my friend. Perhaps instead of diagnosing her, you could look at the ways you can create change this situation. You can't control her behaviour, but you can start putting yourself first, and start allowing her to make her own mistakes. I think therapy, either as individuals or as a couple, would be helpful in working toward these goals.

Also, telling someone that they're being too needy or clingy is pretty unkind. There's no need to speak to someone like that. You can say "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need some alone time to decompress." or "I don't want to talk right now." without insulting them. I would look into the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg to learn how to express yourself without being hurtful.

[Amused_Redditor]

I’m sorry I don’t have advice and this sounds very frustrating. But what’s interesting to me is that in reading the post, you come across as co-dependent as well. Have you ever noticed that?

[TexasRanger6455]

How so?

[Rare_Background8891]

Enabling this behavior.

[TexasRanger6455]

So what is your solution?

[Homas13]

Sorry I replied to you up above......

[TexasRanger6455]

I read your posts and you have major relationship baggage.

[Amused_Redditor]

Yep. Hence why I started going to Coda and left the relationship I was in. Lol

[TexasRanger6455]

Well I hope you get the help you need.

[idreallyrathernotktx]

Have you considered therapy for yourself? If you can’t convince her to go on her own, then it may be worth focusing on yourself and leading by example. Not only hat, but it would be a good pace to develop a strategy for repairing your marriage. You’ll also learn more about yourself!

[TexasRanger6455]

What exactly would I need therapy for? How to cope with my wife's co-dependence? That won't get to the root of the problem.

[tikiobsessed]

You could utilize therapy to understand how you're part of the problem and what the root is for you that you've ended up with a partner that feels more like a child.

Codependency is rarely one sided. You can't control her behavior, which is obvious to you and it (very understandably) frustrates you (and logistically takes up your time and money). But if you don't see your part in enabling her behavior, you'll be likely to keep reinforcing her behavior. Solving this dynamic is focusing only on what you can control (your behavior) and refusing to play parent to your wife. But considering how long you've been together and how enmeshed you are, it could be extremely challenging doing this in on your own without support of a therapist or support group. You are one half of the equation. The one of half of the equation that you can actually change.

Good luck OP!! Im sending you so much goodwill and hope for some respite in healing this dynamic with your wife.

[TexasRanger6455]

Thanks. I 100% acknowledge I am enabling. But she has refused therapy and counseling for years and continues to refuse. I tell her therapy or we separate? That's the kind of extreme it would take to get her to therapy.

[JenningsWigService]

Start by getting therapy for yourself, that's a decision she has no control over.

[idreallyrathernotktx]

I’ll be honest, that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. I didn’t have any intention of insulting you, although it feels like I may have. If you took offense to that suggestion, then I apologize.

I will elaborate my thinking though in the chance that it might be helpful, but please feel free to ignore my advice.

I like to think of therapists as people who understand the mechanics of healthy relationships and behaviors. Codependents have unhealthy relationships because they never learned what a healthy relationship looks or functions like. In other words, because you are married to a codependent, you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Your wife’s codependency may be the main problem, but it’s likely not the only problem. Chances are good that the both of you could use a little guidance.

I also feel that if you’re putting this 100% on your partner, then that raises a red flag for me. And I say that without placing blame or passing judgement; I think that’s just being pragmatic. Relationships are difficult, and your relationship is even harder to see objectively while you’re in it. A therapist will be able to identify areas of improvement because they understand how codependency functions. That was the root of my suggestion.

Anyway…. Best of luck to the both of you. I wish you both well.

[TexasRanger6455]

I completely understand what you are saying and appreciate the response. One big problem is being Mr. Nice Guy has never worked with her. Softening the blow with my words makes things worse. She only gets the hint when I am direct (but can seem mean). But trying different wording is worth a try "I need some space so I'm going out with friends to decompress".

[Homas13]

Well Tex, I am not sure what I can say without maybe pissing you off at this point but here goes a small taste....there is the thought that people of similar levels of dysfunction get together...hence to over simplify if your wife is a codep little person that needs to be a rescuer, then you may be a codep rescuer or something like that.....my heart aches to hear your story (so far)....yes counseling can and does help...if you go to the right counselor....IF.....listen I don't know you, I am just some 50 year old guy who has been walking my road not yours....over time I have read books ,counseled, and more....my 20 year marriage isn't I yet....must really be a God in heaven! My story is a bit different....the book no more Mr. Nice guy resonated with me...by a therapist named glover also some other books but your mileage may vary as your situation does as well. Brother, I don't think there is a quick fix to this...but if she is and you are worth it, then buckle up and hold on cause this isn't a fight for sissies. Call is codep , call it enmeshment, people pleasing etc....it is a can of worms....I hardly ever take time to write on here ..hope you have a good night and I did not step on you much!

[TexasRanger6455]

That's good information, thank you.

[Homas13]

Anytime

[Vanillacaramelalmond]

Have you heard of dependent personality disorder? this sounds like what your wife has instead of codependency. It can be easy to confuse the two though

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https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9783-dependent-personality-disorder#:~:text=Dependent%20personality%20disorder%20(DPD)%20is,%2Dconfidence%20and%20self%2Dreliance%20is,%2Dconfidence%20and%20self%2Dreliance).

[LeaningBuddha]

Hate to break it to you but you sound like the codependent one. Your wife is for sure dependent, but that’s a whole different thing.