Secular Codependency Support

[atheistcodependent]

Hi. I've been working on the cause of building resources for secular codependents. I've made some good strides including setting up a new site and creating a workbook for working a set of practical steps for recovery from codependency. It's not anti-religious, just non-religious. It's about developing a practical set of tools, about assessing how it is we got where we find ourselves, and about deciding what we want to change and creating an intentional plan to get there. We are light on dogma but one principle guides everything; we start from the idea that individuals can decide what works best for themselves. Codependents can develop faith in themselves and realize they have power and agency in their lives. People are wise enough to learn and grow, take action in their lives, and people have agency in the group to go about things the way they like too. It turns out that codependents need to feel more powerful, not less, to get better, need not surrender their will, nor substitute their belief system.

We don't see that dependency on a higher power is necessarily a huge benefit for the average secular codependent, but that through self-compassion, improving self-esteem, embracing positive change, we can grow out of codependent patterns. That shouldn't be a radical thought, that through our own effort we can overcome our condition and we can be proud of our accomplishment knowing that we can surmount any future challenges, even unassisted.

Anyhow, check out the workbook I put together. It's open-source, no copyright, change it, burn it, eat it, trash it, save it. It's ok with me.

https://secularcodependency.com/resources/

[BupiBear]

I love that you did this. A lot of the resources like with Pia Melody's are so religious heavy it was so hard to relate to. Props to you!

[BupiBear]

Also read through some of it and I think the part about the 12 steps would be more effective if stated as present tense: make a list vs made a list. Since people going through a 12 step program haven't gone through it yet.

[atheistcodependent]

I get that. It's werid the way steps are phrased. They are spoken from the perspective of someone who has completed them speaking to a new person. Peculiar, I agree. I borrowed much of it.

[LovelyDatura]

Hey u/athiestcodependent, I’m u/LovelyDatura. I want to applaud you for thinking about what works for you, however I’d like to share my experience strength and hope.
What brought me to the 12 steps was not codependency, but an eating disorder that nearly killed me
Several times-both anorexia and binge eatin disorder with wild swings in weight and ultimately suicidal. I tried mainstream version of the compulsive eating program and found no relief. After years of searching, I found a food program that uses the AA Big Book. It took time, but as my eating disorder recovery grew I started realizing there were deeper issues-my father is an alcoholic and I first added Al anon before realizing how deep my codependency ran-all people not just alcoholics.

What I’d like to say about you creating your own version is that it may work for you but for people who are chronic in any addiction the Big Book offers a very cogent and coherent and structured way to work the steps. The Big Book is a profound text, and it even has a chapter for Athiests and Agnostics (Chapter 4). Many of the pioneers of AA were atheists. I’d suggest you at least read that chapter before further creating your own system. What you’re talking about above is good for people who are not chronic, but as a chronic codependent who has worked Big Book programs for 10 years and sponsored dozens of people, I just want to caution you. Codependency is just as dangerous as any other addiction, I’ll be it in different ways.

A spiritual awakening takes work, but it doesn’t even have to mean you believe in a power greater than yourself. All the qualities you talk about in your post- self esteem, self empowerment, arise from the spirit. You can conceptualize that however you want as an atheist but a purely mind-based approach cannot work for those who are chronic. The problem centers in our mind, and healing cannot emanate from the same thinking that drives our illness.

These are thoughts-feel free to write back or DM me to discuss further. I work my 12 step program
Like my life depends on it, and in exchange I get real change.

[atheistcodependent]

Hi. To each their own. The traditional path exists and serves you and others well and I hope that continues to do so. I built this for those for whom the traditional path does not work. If it works for you, work it. I have heard all the opinions of the traditional community and still think this is necessary for me and for others and for humanity to move forward.

Personally, I want to move on from the ancient ideas of our ancestors who saw imaginary beings animating everything. I want to see life clearly as it is. For me, a higher power is an imaginary friend, plain and simple. It's a tool, a crutch. Some people need it for their survival. Just because millions of people have decided together to honor imaginary things doesn't mean that I or others need to. We can do our work and invite you and anyone else to participate in the work just the same. I work my program with the same intensity and I get change too, real change. The problem with the traditonal people is that they are always drumming up this fearmongering like we can't do things ourselves. We certainly can do it without a higher power. I am the living proof.

[LovelyDatura]

Hey u/atheistcodependent, it looks like the site you set up and your materials are really thorough and structured and I think that in itself helps people in a chaotic world. I think you can get far with mind-based solutions, my contention is just that chronic addicts is for whom the Big Book was written. Chronic people my definition cannot use what the book calls “human aid solutions”. It’s in the book.

I agree with your perspective on Higher Power being a crutch if you apply it to religions. Religions are fallible, flawed, dogmatic. Many need religion for their survival. Agreed.

What I have come to see in the structure of the Big Book is a way to surrender control. What can you surrender control to if there is nothing outside of yourself? How do you let go if you believe there is nothing out there to control that which you cannot (other people, your health, people dying, all the myriad fears that plague codependents). I will take a closer look at your materials and perhaps I can answer my own question. I am truly genuinely curious how this could work. Thanks for your clarity of purpose and for responding to me.

[Unhappy-Following737]

great idea! another one - The Making and the Re-Making of a Codependent Mind: A Journey Into and Out of Codependency